Just be One

 Usually when I get still to write I have some sort of idea behind the keystrokes, but tonight I do not. 

Tonight I just am feeling life.

Tonight I am in tune with no only my own feelings but feelings of those whom I love dearly. 

Tonight, I write because I have no other outlet, because I have exhausted the outlets I know and I am left with me and this keyboard. 

Tonight, I write because I am feeling in the midst of this journey. 

Tonight I write because I know I am not alone. 

Tonight I write because I know I am loved and seen just as I am. 

Tonight I write because there is something bigger in me to be expressed than just in a simple conversation. 

I wonder how many times I have ignored this sort of urge to write, how many times I just didn't have an idea of what I was going to say so I didn't say anything... but tonight I'm doing my best to stay true to a promise to a friend and write when I know my soul needs to... this is the most me I can be when I'm writing so here goes nothing...

In a world full of unknowns, this I know to be true: the unfailing love of my Savoir, My Creator, my Father knows no bounds. He is and has always been there right beside me when I had nothing other than my empty hands to display to Him and tear stained cheeks to look up at Him with. He alone is my constant. Through all the things I've endured, a lot to my own hand, but some not, He has never waivered. 

Just for instance: I always dread the 29th of July since 4 years ago I commenced to do what I could to not exist any longer... the day brings overwhelming emotions both good and bad, but is a day that I do not look forward to in any way. Alas, here we were, the night of the 28th, I'm trying to make lists of why the next day will be good and why I do not need to call in sick to be able to just sleep the day through and low and behold I saw on social media that my dearest Angel, Julie, was in my neck of the woods. In my sadness, I felt like I should still reach out letting her know I was not far from her and she responded so quickly  it almost took my breath away, she wanted to do coffee on the dreaded day... she had no clue, but she didn't care, she just wanted to see me. 

 So alas, the next day comes and I have something to look forward to, some Angel that God put in my life from a very early age (I'm talking pre-school age) was near by enough to touch my soul once again...  She had no idea, for in her world she was just meeting up with a girl she's prayed for since probably birth and a girl who she's known since pre-conception ... she didn't know the blessing she would be that day. 

We chatted over coffee, caught up in just good ole chit-chat. 

Then I told her. 

I had the strength to tell her. 

I told her how much I dreaded that day, that I wanted to just stay in bed and sleep it away. 

But she didn't bat an eye, she shed a tear with me and just said "I'm so thankful we are here". 

That about summed it up. 

We kept chatting about life and how she could pray for me in the things I was facing but I'm not entirely certain if she knows how special her presence and reaction was to me. . . she didn't flinch, she didn't gasp, she just felt it with me. 

That's what we need so much in this world, people willing to hold someone's hand and feel with them. 

She may never know the impact of what her kindness, her tears with me, or her prayers have meant to me, but I know for certain she understands the impact of what it means to feel and BE with someone in their struggle. 

I pray I am like she was one day to someone. 

I pray I can sit across the hotel lobby booth from someone and shed tears with them both in joy and sadness but mostly in love and just sit in it with someone. 

I pray that she has many jewels in her crown in heaven because it is not every day people, even myself, feel comfortable with a soul enough to another their rawness, but even more so to not have a reaction other than of love. 

Love is what we need so badly in this world. 

Someone to sit in the yuck and just hold our hands and say "I'm so grateful  you're here". 

I needed her that day, and God provided. 

I didn't sleep the day away, I actually had a pretty great day... and I know He put that Angel in my path to make sure it happened that way. 

Angels are among us. 

Just look around, just be one. 

Some things I am Learning

Lessons I'm learning:

• I am courageous.
• It's not conceded of me to think of myself as courageous. 
• It took a lot of courage and faith to make the steps I have in the last few months. 
• Courage and Faith go hand in hand. 
• Being courageous comes does not mean it comes with the responsibility of how others react to your choices. 
• Being courageous isn't always a welcomed trait to people around you. 
• I am His. 
• He has given me the courage to do lean in on faith and trust that He will provide. 
• He has provided. All my needs. 
• I am loved by my creator. 
• He chooses me over the sunsets He creates and calls me (us) His masterpiece. 
• He has held me and given me Peace that only the God of the Universe can give. 
• He is in control and I only need to surrender, surrender everything. 
• I am okay no matter how I feel.
• Feelings are convoluted. 
• Feelings are a distraction from the spiritual truth. 
• I can feel alone, I can feel defeated, I can feel gross... but the foundation I am standing on never changes.  
• My life is an ongoing journey, a journey in which someone else along the way may need me for and it all glorifies my King in the end if I let it, meaning if I'm vulnerable enough to share my story. 
• No matter my journey, God has put someone in my life at my lowest who asks the simple question of "How did you do it?" 
• There has not been a painful season that I haven't told the story about, the story of how God pulled me through...and that will not change today. 
•  My dog is a great companion. 
• Frank is an un-certified emotional support dog. 
• I am so grateful for this dog. 
• He's cute. 
• He's an extension of God's love to me. 
• I am never truly alone despite the devil trying to convince me that I am. 
• I have Frank the Dog. 
• I am literally on the phone most nights with someone at least once every day, someone who loves me, someone who knows me, and someone who wants  to hear my voice. 
• I have people that are grateful to hear my voice and look forward to hearing said voice. 
• I am a survivor. 
• I have not been defeated  by any one of the battles I have faced. 
• I am still here today. 
• This season of my life requires a lot of grace for myself and that is okay. 
• Having grace for myself is a learning experience and one full of vulnerability, it's not always pretty. 
• Being okay with having grace for myself to not do anything one day when I know I need to do things but have no strength to do anything, that's perfectly acceptable of someone who is experiencing healing. 
• Healing requires patience and grace with yourself. It's not overnight, it is a process *(yes Christy, I am trusting the process) 

I am learning with every day, every sunrise, every sunset, every phone call with those I love.... I am learning. 

Four Years - The Gift of the Other Side

 It's been four years since .... 

Four years... 

Who am I today after four years? How have I grown? What have I done with this gift? 

I don't know the answers to any of those questions, I just know I am here.  I am here. I am here. I am here. I work through the days, I stumble, I make mistakes, I sometimes make good choices... but I am here nonetheless. 

You want me to say I'm grateful, and most of the time I am, but every year around this time I cannot say fully what I am other than just here.  I haven't found the reason why He said "No, not yet", but I believe in one day finding out that answer.  Today, I am here. 

So many other people do not get this chance to simply say they are here and for that I am grateful. 

Today, this week, I am clouded with the grief of knowing how I felt in my same body four years ago... alone, weak, sad, abandoned, shipwrecked, and uncomfortable in my own skin. Isolated. Shameful. Alone. Unworthy. I could go on, but I believe you and I both get the point... it was pretty bleak. And it comes back to me during these days. I feel for the person I was during that time, like what I imagine it is to feel for a child who goes through these things... it hurts, but it doesn't quite hurt the same way. I feel those things in a diluted form because I have been given the gift of the other side. Does the other side give all the answers? Heck no! But the other side gives hope that I didn't have in those days. Today I get to feel those things with a glimmer of hope and peace knowing that there is a reason I am still here.  Days like today I have no earthly idea why in fact I am still here, but I know I am and there must be something to it. 

Recently I was talking with a friend and told him the higher you get in life, in the good, in the vulnerability, in the grandness of life the deeper the pool is at the bottom of the cliff.... which isn't all bad... we must know the risk in the high to appreciate the depth. The depth isn't all bad, for it is where we do the most knowing... it isn't the high that we understand things but in the fall and the plunge where we realize the beauty of the scenery from above, and honestly, sometimes we appreciate the scenery below more too. 

All I know is that I am here, and for that, today .... right now, after a good talk with an old friend, I am grateful. It doesn't always feel that way. But in the midst of the plunge to the depths this week is certain to bring (along with the beautiful goodness in the depths), I am grateful. 

He told me NO four years ago. 

In four years I've seen my niece grow to celebrate her fourth birthday, I've seen the expansion of my family by one double dimpled goober, I've surprised my first niece for her birthday, I've moved to a new state that I am absolutely in love with, I've seen states I've never seen before, I've walked through a global pandemic and two career changes, I've hugged by parents and hugged strangers.... I've lived. I haven't figured it all out, but I have lived. 

He told me NO four years ago and gave me the gift of the other side, He never said it would be easy, but I know and I truly believe, it is for a reason.  Maybe one day I'll know the reason, but until then, I'll keep living in the gift of the other side.