My Identity Crisis

The lessons I am learning right now seem to be very centered around God wanting to make sure that I am aware of His Grace, His plan, and His power. 

(not much different than any other time in my life, but... I digress)

In December of last year I moved to Austin after completing my degree (finally! WHOOP) and started a whole new, scary, independent chapter in my life.  The last chapter was not a fun one, and to turn the page on it was one of most freeing and most scary pages I had ever turned because it was the beginning to a chapter focused on nothing other than Darby herself.  No other main character, just myself and a Big God.

It started off great, like any new chapter.  Everything new, everything exciting.  The last chapter was sealed as far away as I could get it in order to focus my energy on the new one.  But as life works, and the newness fades and the challenge then becomes finding the plot to this part of my life: the meaning.   As I worked longer and harder than I ever had before in my life to advance my career I had dreamt of and worked for since I was a young college student, I was challenged with the Lord asking me to look inside myself.  This is something some may find very easy to do, but not for me.  For looking in myself and at myself meant looking at the pain of the past, seeing it's scars, and probably the scariest of it all; looking inward at myself meant I could not focus on my work to distract me any more. 

As I am discovering, I was relieved from that job and career path for many reasons-- many positive reasons-- including my Jealous God's love for my soul and longing for me to see Him in all that had happened, was happening, and will happen.   When I had nothing else, He desperately wanted to get my attention and show me many things that He had been trying to tell me but  my focus, my desires, my ideas of what I wanted and thought I should have were all getting in the way.  
....Granted, I wish this process could have been a bit easier, but I am a stubborn individual whom has a history of only truly learning and hearing in the most painful of circumstances....

I allowed myself one day of being bitter and angry about losing my job, and that was a very dark day.  But after that, I started asking God what He wanted now...
   "Why did You let me go for so long, struggling for this career that was going no where?"
   "What do I do now, my passion was hotels?"
   "What is wrong with my passion?"
   "What do You want me to do?"
   "Where did I go wrong, I thought You lead me here"
   "Am I a failure?"

I truly had no idea who I was at my core.

Over and over again I questioned... and over and over again He just said "I've got you" , "Trust Me".  Quietly in my broken heart He would whisper to me, constantly He told me "trust me" in the stillness and when I was screaming for an answer. I would hear Him, but I wouldn't understand it because all I could see was fear.

I spent so much time trying to figure out the answers, even while I was asking Him for an answer, by looking at all the things I had failed at in my eyes and trying to blame myself---- I was not listening.

Then He started to grab my attention by blessing me in scary moments, over and over again. 

And I started slowly hearing him say "Trust Me, for I AM", my heart started hearing Him, but not just hearing, LISTENING.

Now, I don't say this to say there was a never another moment that I was afraid, faithless, or doubtful.... but in those moments it was easier to pull my head out of my butt and remember what I had heard in my heart to be TRUE.

I went to church with my parents on my birthday weekend, broken and full of fear in my heart for my future but on the outside telling everyone what they wanted to hear in that situation "I have faith it will be okay".  And man, did the Jealous God of my heart show up that day.  He stopped whispering and shouted to me His promise that my identity was not found in my job status but in Christ alone. 

The identity of being a 'hotelier'  a 'manager' was something I had focused so much on, much like I had attempted to be identified by being a 'girlfriend' for so long.  That identity had become so much a part of me I had let it cover up the etching of "His Child" on my soul and pretty much tried to stick a tacky name tag over it to make myself feel better with so many different names written on it that it was too full to write anything else on. 

That Sunday morning, He ripped that piece of sticky, torn up, name tag I and the world had created for myself straight off of my heart and revealed (once again) the identity I had clung onto so dearly---- HIS.  Child of the King.


As I sat and listened to Derwin Gray preach about being adopted by a Heavenly Father sitting next to my earthly father, they both were nudging me... "Listen Darby, Listen how loved, beautiful, cherished and special you are." 
Something I had not believed of myself in a while, especially not after losing my job.
And something I so desperately needed to hear.

So as I write today, I write with a heart no longer afraid of what life has in store.  I come authentically saying that I believe Him when He promises a life of hope, and I pray I never again place a sticky name tag over His name again. 

I am broken in a beautiful mess right now as I am allowing God to put things back in place in my heart and ultimately in my life. For in this chapter, in all of my chapters and all of them to come--- I am His. I long for His will in my life because there is no other way I want to go.  I am done trying to 'talk Him into' thinking this was the way, but instead, I am so ready to let him lead me with each step (currently baby steps, hopefully growing in faith as I walk).

"You have calmed greater waters

Higher Mountains have come down"