My heart, oh my heart

My heart, oh my heart..... battered and bruised it still beats. My Savior still keeps it pumping and keeps my eyes open. I always knew this life was hard, I knew that things most likely wouldn't always end up in a perfect fairy tale...... but I never expected things to happen like this.

Some I can blame on myself.

Some I cannot.

Some things happen for reasons that I won't know for years, some of the scars that my heart will bear are not for me but for others to learn from...

All of this I know but all of this knowledge does not take the pain away.
The only thing that helps as a pain relief is to be encompassed in His loving arms.... and sometimes the occasional sobbing... but that's the woman in me.

It was not until Friday that I fell completely and totally at His feet and gave up. I told Him I absolutely could not do it any longer. I couldn't wrap my heart around the pain and confusion, nor could I hold my head up to face the next blow. I was in desperate need of my Savior, correction, I am constantly in need of my Savior. It was then when a rush of peace came over me. Now, that doesn't mean that I didn't cry after that moment, that doesn't mean that I haven't prayed prayers of anguish asking him why.... it simply means I know right now and from that moment that Darby could not do this. No matter how much my family loves me or the friends left standing by my side held my hand.... nothing but His strength could get me through and bandage my gushing wounds.
These past few weeks have been probably some of the hardest times I have ever faced. My friends have stuck knives in my back, my heart has been shattered, and my body has been weak. But now that I have given up wanting to fix it all, wanting to make sense of it all.... I have a light of Hope shining through this dark night in my life. This valley although it is painful and gloomy, my God is still in control. My faith, althought a bit shaken, stands on His Truth that no matter what He puts me through, He will be there and He will lead me through it. I may not can see the end of the tunnel, or the rise in elevation, but by-gollee it's there. Not only is it there, but His plan for my life is for good and hope. I believe that with all of my heart. The next steps may be a bit weak, but it's only His strength that will pull me through.

He has ways of showing me these things in a very matter of fact way... In the midst of this storm, He called out to me and gave me assurance that He was watching every step....
Friday afternoon on my way to work, I had called my dear father and just told him I was having a really rough day, that things were tough. Being the amazing encourager he is, dad just said, "Darby, it's gonne be a good day. Starting now. You just have to declare it." (( insert Darby crying for the 1230498 time that day ))
So after hanging up the phone and composing myself, I just told the world (in my car) that I was gonna have a good night. It was gonna be good. And I walked myself into work and started on that 'good' night.
Nevertheless, God knew that I was really about to have a great night.
I had a meeting with my managers to be told that they were offering me a Front Desk Manager position.
(WHOOOOOOOOOOOOP)
Withot hesitation I took the position and walked out of the office, only to stop in the middle of the room and just stare. God knew. GOD KNEW! Not only that, His timing was impecable, His love was so evident, and His handprint was all over that moment. I didn't know really how to react other than just to stare til my friend/boss asked me if I wanted a hug... 'uhm yeah I guess that'd be a good thing'...

All of this to say, My God Loves. He is gonna take care of me. My heart will one day once again be whole in His hands. He is nursing my wounds, and those scars that will form will show of His glory and tell of His truth in life.
People are human, friends come and go, love burns and smolders like coals.... but He is constant.

It's the Bumps that make you stronger

The fear of being alone never really struck me until lately. . .

I am ashamed to say I find myself forgetting the omnipocent Love and Peace that I have within my soul.... moments go by that I remember and have peace, but then the darkness has a way of creeping over me, feeding me it's lies, and inticing me with it's salty tears. Those moments are empty and clasp a hold of my mind stronger than they should. They tell me of my faults, my failures, the 'what-if's' of my life, the ugliness I birthed in my life.... they tell me that when I listen... When my ears are tuned to hearing of those transgressions, the come in loud and clear like a trumpet resounding from two feet away, deafening my heart and numbing me.

Yet, there is hope for me. There is a way to create a static to that sound...
No matter what I do, that darkness, that coldness that is within me is wiped away when I think of my Savior's love. His gentle whisper sets my heart to life again. He whispers to me through song, through the love of those around me, through the sun shining on my face... His hope carries me, His love is my Rock and my deliverence during this time of trial.

(reminds me of Romans 7 and 8)

I have been through a lot in my life, just like most.... but you know, most people do not have the amazing family that I do. Without them, that darkness would be resounding more often than His peaceful whisper. Don't get me wrong, we haven't always had the best relationship... there have been times I can guarantee you they asked God for his peace through times of trouble with me, times where it was dark for all of us.... but as always, His will previaled. His will of guiding us to the past few weeks where they were pillars in my life to hold me up, to be part of Christ's sheltering cover from the storms that are rolling through.
Although I feel alone in this storm at times, my family is always there for me. They came to me in a time of struggles, in a time of need and held me close. They asked the hard questions out of love and trusted the answers.... My family has always taught me more from doing than from their words, they have given me the best examples of how to be a friend and how to love in times of hardship.


Going back to the fear of being alone thing......

It's only lately where I have ever begged not to be left alone. I hated every second of it. I have never been so vunerable. I sound like I am miserable and sulking.... that's not really the case. I just have my moments where the lies get the best of me, where the drama of life fills my mind and breaks my heart... when my heart breaks, it doesn't just crack with one solid crack and it's done, but it shatters... especially when love is lost or wounded. I love with passion, a trait I embrace and hate at times... this would be one of those times. It's very hard for me to turn my heart off to people, even when they have hurt me. It's very hard to turn off the volume on the mouths of liars when all I want to do is listen hoping that somewhere in them they'll realize I care and hate what is going on.... but sometimes things just don't really work the way I want them to. This God of mine sees the big picture and knows what these storms will produce in my future, I just have to trust Him.

So like Mr. Ely says:

"It's the bumps in the road and the hard times that make you stronger."

(PS: Mr. Ely and I's relationship can speak truth to that saying.... our hard times thus far has made us so much stronger and validated things that we feel to be true. He has held my hand through some of the hardest moments I've faced and been the man beside me when all is crumbling around me. He surprises me with his strength, wisdom, and genuine care for me and our relationship. Others may not recognize it, but it is nice to know I am in a mature relationship that can face things head on and walk away from it hand in hand. )

So here's to a week that I turn off the lies and on the Truth, with each step I will look towards Him and thank Him for the family and love I have in my life. Here's to the week of pressing onward and not looking back anymore....

No, dear brothers and sisters, I am still not all I should be, but I am
focusing all my energies on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking
forward to what lies ahead, I strain to reach the end of the race and receive
the prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us up to heaven
'Philippians 3:13-14

Week from H-E- double hockey sticks!

Well the past week was definately one of those weeks I would love to have an erase button for. But as we all know, there is no such thing.

So since there isn't that beautiful dreamt about 'erase' or backspace button for reality, we are always faced with dealing with hard times and things that you can't just erase. How people deal with those times are what shows the true character and heart of individuals. And honestly, I don't really know how well I dealt with this non-eraseable week.....

Things I have taken away from this week:

1. no matter how much we want to be done with the past, sometimes the past doesn't want to be done with us.... and that means even pasts that are not your own. Life has a funny way of coming around again sometimes, and usually when you are least prepared for it. But it is how you deal with the past is what defines you and the circumstance. It's easy to get angry about the past coming into the future, especially if it's not welcome... but you can't ignore it. It has to be dealt with and placed properly back into the past. Now you see, some people have a very difficult time doing that. Some people looooove to hold on to the past, not get over it, and expect others to realize that it isn't the past just yet for them.... and that's when things get tricky. Atleast that's when things got tricky for Mr. Ely and I. Details are besides the point--- the point is: the past reared it's ugly little head back into the spotlight only to cause a bit of discomfort, anxiety, and emotional strain.... but only for a moment... because I have realized that I have the choice to put it in the past or let it have the power over me and be part of the present.

2. I am poopy. I failed miserably this past week at letting Christ have control ergo letting no so stable Darby have the riens and screw things up. Christ is the only one who can EVER take care of my emotions, my stress, my doubts.... and if I do not let Him have all of those, they take over, turning me into someone I don't like.

3. I am blessed to have people around me that love me and trust me.
Through this hellacious week I have discovered who trusts my word, who knows me better than I thought they did, and relationships that are stronger than I imagined. I have a mother and father that were there for me through all of the struggles this week brought, and kept calm despite the obvious knee jerk reaction of some events to quite possible freak out considerably. The relationship that I have with Mr. Ely is one that is very strong, that was tested by some vicious flames this week, and came out refined. Knowing someone like I know Mr. Ely and someone knowing me like he knows me is a very special thing.... there are parts of each other than no one else really understands, knows how to deal with, or even accepts that we do. We are both very stubborn, sometimes that's a bad thing... but we have discovered that no matter how much our stubbornness leads to small bumps in our road... our stubbornness to keep walking hand in hand on that road outweights all of it. I have also discovered some truths about my life and the people in it that is hard to swallow. My relationships are changing, and God is putting people in my life at certain moments to help me not only deal with the other relationships changing, but to help me become who He wants me to be. Old friends and new friends alike....
4. Sometimes you do stupid stuff to people you love, but when they love you back despite the stupid things...... it is the most amazing feeling in the world.
(( i think that speaks for itself ))