Overwhelmed? Yes I do believe so

I can't hold back anymore.

I want to take the chance.

I'm scared because last time I took the chance I fell hard onto the ground and got some injuries......
but this time feels different. It may just be my blinders or the glasses I have on... It's just something about this.... some feeling I have. I don't understand it. . .

Here's the deal:
This is the time in my life where I am learning about me, I'm shaping the future of who I am.... the choices I make, the opportunites I take hold of and let slip away have the chance to completely impact my life.... possibly change it entirely. With that being said.... those decisions about what opportunity to let pass and to go for can be very scary. Without my girls and my God, there would be no way I'd make any decision... I would just sit in my room and hide away... but the cool thing is, whatever decision I do make.... I know that He is constant, and my sisters will be there for me.
So I think I have decided on this opportunity.... I want to come off the bench, I'm ready, my gloves are on and my shoes are tied.... Let the bell ring to start the match.... if I only knew where the bell was... or what it sounded like exactly.... (quite a dilemma if you ask me)......


plus... I am COMPLETELY overwhelmed... I need a breath to keep going... there is no break... tests start next week, work is work (demanding), and Hospitality is depending on me more than ever... I'm a wreck... behind on deadlines and when I have a chance to breath it keeps me from getting things done, but I can't keep running with no oxygen....

Pray for me. I need help. He is breaking me, and I love it, but it adds to the chaos that I feel in me... like one more thing I need to put on my list... yes, the top of it, like the very first checkmark... the lesson in priorities is killing me right now. I feel like everything other than Him deserves equal attention and demands mroe than I can give out most of the time. I need a clone. and a personal assistant. thanks and gig em.

Boots

I'm all about analogies lately... just ask my girls.... haha

So today Bridget and I were walking to the gas station to get a snack and some drinks... it has been raining here for the past 3 days. So naturally the ground is soggy, muddy, and gross. The grounds condition was slippery and hard to walk in, unless you had your boots on. Which, I did. Yay for me, right?
As i was walking, I wasn't worrying about my next step being a puddle or a pile of mud, I was just walking with my boots on. These boots are my favorite pair of shoes, why? Well let me tell you... Boots are amazing for the reason that you don't have to worry about the path you are on when you are in your boots, you're protected. And not only are you protected from the outside when it's muddy and there are stickers, but you also can have a blast dancing around the dancefloor with your boot on.
Boots have versatility and are more useful than we realize.
I not only am prepared for anything in my boots, but I'm not afraid.
Take a step back and tihnk of boots not being shoes you put on your feet, but the boots of your life. My boots are the my faith and my friends.
I'm always prepared with them, I am comfortable, and I am safe in the most dangerous circumstances.
My boots are muddy and scratched right now, but that just proves we've been through some deep mud and are still trekking, not giving up.
If I had a choice, these boots never would come off my feet, ever. And as far as I know, they won't. Life is more pleasant, more bearable with my boots on... whether it be driving around in Jethro, dancin' at Harrys, or walking through mud.


For anyone to appreciate me, they better appreciate my boots. :) Cuz they ain't goin no where.

Automatic Toilets

So I had an idea today... about automated toilets and how they can be relevent to life sometimes. This is not because it's nice that we dont have to flush our own wastes down the toilet, but think a bit outside the box on this one....

Automatic toilets.
Have you ever sat on one and then reached for something, putting your body past the censor and it flushed on you.... i mean you hadn't even peed yet or anything and the darn thing thinks you're gone.
Hm.
Isn't that life sometimes? We just move a little, still firm on our location, but something decides that we're done. That we've already done our business and it's the next person's time... but what if we aren't ready? What if for some reason we just move a little but have every intention of getting the job done. Life sometimes flushes us before we're ready. Sometimes it decides we moved long before we're ready, leaving us still needing to do our business.
I know this might seem a little off the wall and odd, but simply think about the times in your life where you've been flushed before you were ready. . .

Coming soon :
Lines from songs to make up my song describing my life... GET EXCITED

I don't know what to put here

..... I know writing is my release, but I have no idea what to put here. My mind is racing constantly with words and ideas but no complete thoughts.... Thoughts scare me. Why? Because thoughts are what means I'm thinking and thinking right now is dangerous.

"Darby just let go"
"Let it go"
"Lay it down Darby"

That's all I'm hearing from every corner of my life....
Letting go has always been a battle for me. This one thing has been so damaging and destructive that the sheer thought of it sends my heart racing and my mind running.
I desperately want to let it go, lay it down.... it's the process from WANTING to, to actually DOING it. This means I have no control, that I can't predict the outcome, I can't see what's coming. I can't prepare myself.... I'm scared. I have faith that He will control it, that He will take care of it and me... that I don't have to be scared because it's safe with Him. My head knows that. My head knows everything about that. It knows that I should be letting Him take control of everything, but the catch is my heart doesn't know that. My heart cannot completely wrap its head around it because everytime I've let go... maybe not to Him, but to others.... it has been thrown back to me with more force than I held onto it with. I completely understand that humans let me down and deserve nothing from me but me... we are all human, we make mistakes, no one is perfect....
I get it.
So then why is this so hard? Why is it so hard to let Him have it? The one Person who CAN handle me, handle all of my hangups and insecurities.... Him.
Tonight when I was sitting and talking to a friend I just let loose. . . wondering if He could just give me a glimpse to make this easier. I want to give it up, I want to let Him have it.... but I'm scared. " Lord you ask me to give it up, you ask me to trust you... my trust has been broken too much... I've trusted you before and you've proved trustworthy but then the lies of this world broke in and broke me away from You... I just want to know what is going to happen in the end, maybe not all of it, but just to know what I am suppose to do right now in this moment so I can know I'm doing the thing that won't hurt so bad in the end." Maybe its not a fear of letting go, its a fear of being hurt again. I hate hurt, i hate pain.... I can deal with my consequences to my own actions that I'm not afraid of, it's the consequences of other actions that I am weakened to.
I've been running from Him because I'm scared. Running because I'm scared.
I have a friend that keeps asking me why I'm so scared, why I'm so afraid, why I'm so guarded.... I have no answer for him other than 'why not?' or 'my past has pushed me to this, to this person I never wanted to be'. I don't want to be scared, I want to run free.... but these thoughts and these insecurities keep me back, keep me pinned up.
Yet at the same time, I've felt free. I've felt freedom in those questions being asked. I have never asked myself those questions, no one has ever asked me questions like i've been asked lately. I have loved it while hating it at the same time.
Can you tell I'm a bit confused!?
I am searching. I'm being broken (which is what I've been begging for).
Pray for me.
Pray for direction, for hope, for the run back to the right way doesn't keep fading into the distance. To be free again, to run through the valleys and the hills with my head held high letting the wind blow through my hair, pass through my fingers, and whistle in my ears. Pray for the let go.

Dont be concerned, just be in prayer. I'm already being confronted enough, all I need is Him right now. Thankfully He has put an amazing accountability partner in my life as well as a group of friends who love me more than I deserve. Be thankful and praise Him for our God is a jealous God, He IS the One who can handle all of me, that can swoop in and break through my walls and barriers and set me free again.