TimeHop

It was a great day, the Saturday after Thanksgiving day... football, the preparation of eating way more than I should in a week, colored leaves falling in the wind in the backyard of my parents new house... what else could a person ask for....


I woke up, 8:03 the alarm sounded. I went through  my normal morning ritual checking social media to make sure I hadn't missed anything in the past 8-12 hours depending on my phone's cooperation. Then the last thing to check before pulling the plush covers from my body, TimeHop... (for those of you who do not know this bittersweet jem of an application on your phone, it's an app that pulls up your social media from years past and tells you what you did a year ago... what you updated your status as, what pictures you posted on the bookFace, what pictures you uploaded on InstaGram, what tweets you sent and so on...)  Well, as I opened the app, full of excitement for the day of family filled chaos and football enthusiasm, I never expected what I saw.


It reminded me that a year ago, yes, just 365 days ago I was stuck on an island on the south east side of Texas away from my beautiful family as they joined together and took a few pictures with a man; a man that was unlike most men, set apart in my books.  These few pictures changed the direction of my day in more ways than one. The pictures that the social media 'time machine' showed me were pictures of my sweet father, his brother, and my hero (better known as my Papaw).  My day went from a happy-go-lucky feel, to a very real, in your face, reality check of reminding myself of what it was all about.
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Thanksgiving was always a great time in my childhood; seeing family for the first time all year, hearing lessons on how to make the best dressing and mashed potatoes,  tossing a football around while we wait to be told where to sit, eating more than we should in a year, listening to the grown-ups talk about things we didn't understand, helping wash the dishes, eating every pie we could and washing them down with cookies or another dessert, then yelling at the tube when the football team wasn't playing the way we wanted to in a food-drunk stupor. That was Thanksgiving for 18 years in my book....

Then I went to college and started working in the hotel industry which neither take a day off for any family tradition.  I learned that being together as a family, either side, was a special thing.  Especially after starting working in the hotel industry and going to school at a place that the sacred game was held on Thanksgiving day.  Looking back,  I learned how amazing it was that my parents were able to pull off two amazing and grand Thanksgiving holidays with two sides of the family without passing out from a Turkey and Dressing coma, and not only that, I learned that somewhere along the line both sides of the family drifted apart in their own family Thanksgivings and the tables grew smaller over the years.


So as I woke up as a 25 year old in my parents made "Darby Treehouse" in their new home, I was simply thankful to look forward to a day filled with family-- whichever side they may be from and how ever many they may be, I was thankful to celebrate the holiday with people whom I loved. 

Then I was hit in the face.

A year ago that day I was busy working on an island I knew I was destine to leave shortly for a company who I knew I was going no where with, only to be missing out on the last Thanksgiving meal with the man whom helped shape the very woman I am today... my Papaw. 

I haven't been able to express in English, or any other language really, how much the loss of my Papaw has greatly effected me until today, and I cannot guarantee it will make much sense today, but I shall try. 

A year ago my Papaw was ready to go home, only if his love went before him.  He didn't want to leave her, from they day they met, until the day God called him home, the only thing that kept him fighting was the love of his life, my Grammie.  And a year ago today, I was too busy to make a point to be with him.  This man, whom I miss every day, whom I wish I could have one more day with, the man whom I had wrapped around my infant finger sat with his two sons and ate at a Mexican restaurant for Thanksgiving because it he liked it and, well, why not?!  But I wasn't there. 

You can spend a lifetime regretting not calling, not being there, or not saying things.... and I am experiencing that today.  But I also know that he is laughing at me every time I ask myself why I didn't call that time I wanted to say hi to him... you know why? Because he knew I loved him more than anything, and I knew he loved me... so to him, (I hope) it was okay.  But to me, this lesson that came with seeing his face on the morning I was looking forward to seeing family was the lesson of making sure I do not regret saying the things I want to and spending my time more wisely. 

My Papaw is one of my Heros.  He was a man that taught me more than these hands can type, loved like no one I know (other than his son, and I'm pretty sure he got that from his momma and daddy)... my Papaw went home in February.  A few short months after the first Christmas I had off in years and spent with him (which I will cherish until I see him again), but years after I had not called when I felt like saying hi because I was ' too busy' or ' too scared I'd cry because I couldn't go visit like he would ask me to'....

All of that to say, I pray to my sweet Savior that I am reminded every day like I was reminded on this year to never, ever believe that I will have time later to spend time sitting next to someone I love and just enjoying their company.  Papaw wasn't the best entertainer, honestly, sometimes he bored me with his theory and his subject preference, but what I wouldn't give to be bored by his talking one more time.   I pray that from this year forward I am never too busy to be bored by the voice of those I love and embrace every moment I have while they are here with us.  Sadly, heaven doesn't have visiting hours, so I can't ever have those moments with my beloved Papaw until I am Home with him, but I know as I write this he is laughing at the idea that I miss him because he has way too many stories to tell on me.  

Each day is a blessing, each memory we have with those we love is something to be thankful for whether it be Thanksgiving or not. After all, we never know what a year will hold-- or won't. 

My Identity Crisis

The lessons I am learning right now seem to be very centered around God wanting to make sure that I am aware of His Grace, His plan, and His power. 

(not much different than any other time in my life, but... I digress)

In December of last year I moved to Austin after completing my degree (finally! WHOOP) and started a whole new, scary, independent chapter in my life.  The last chapter was not a fun one, and to turn the page on it was one of most freeing and most scary pages I had ever turned because it was the beginning to a chapter focused on nothing other than Darby herself.  No other main character, just myself and a Big God.

It started off great, like any new chapter.  Everything new, everything exciting.  The last chapter was sealed as far away as I could get it in order to focus my energy on the new one.  But as life works, and the newness fades and the challenge then becomes finding the plot to this part of my life: the meaning.   As I worked longer and harder than I ever had before in my life to advance my career I had dreamt of and worked for since I was a young college student, I was challenged with the Lord asking me to look inside myself.  This is something some may find very easy to do, but not for me.  For looking in myself and at myself meant looking at the pain of the past, seeing it's scars, and probably the scariest of it all; looking inward at myself meant I could not focus on my work to distract me any more. 

As I am discovering, I was relieved from that job and career path for many reasons-- many positive reasons-- including my Jealous God's love for my soul and longing for me to see Him in all that had happened, was happening, and will happen.   When I had nothing else, He desperately wanted to get my attention and show me many things that He had been trying to tell me but  my focus, my desires, my ideas of what I wanted and thought I should have were all getting in the way.  
....Granted, I wish this process could have been a bit easier, but I am a stubborn individual whom has a history of only truly learning and hearing in the most painful of circumstances....

I allowed myself one day of being bitter and angry about losing my job, and that was a very dark day.  But after that, I started asking God what He wanted now...
   "Why did You let me go for so long, struggling for this career that was going no where?"
   "What do I do now, my passion was hotels?"
   "What is wrong with my passion?"
   "What do You want me to do?"
   "Where did I go wrong, I thought You lead me here"
   "Am I a failure?"

I truly had no idea who I was at my core.

Over and over again I questioned... and over and over again He just said "I've got you" , "Trust Me".  Quietly in my broken heart He would whisper to me, constantly He told me "trust me" in the stillness and when I was screaming for an answer. I would hear Him, but I wouldn't understand it because all I could see was fear.

I spent so much time trying to figure out the answers, even while I was asking Him for an answer, by looking at all the things I had failed at in my eyes and trying to blame myself---- I was not listening.

Then He started to grab my attention by blessing me in scary moments, over and over again. 

And I started slowly hearing him say "Trust Me, for I AM", my heart started hearing Him, but not just hearing, LISTENING.

Now, I don't say this to say there was a never another moment that I was afraid, faithless, or doubtful.... but in those moments it was easier to pull my head out of my butt and remember what I had heard in my heart to be TRUE.

I went to church with my parents on my birthday weekend, broken and full of fear in my heart for my future but on the outside telling everyone what they wanted to hear in that situation "I have faith it will be okay".  And man, did the Jealous God of my heart show up that day.  He stopped whispering and shouted to me His promise that my identity was not found in my job status but in Christ alone. 

The identity of being a 'hotelier'  a 'manager' was something I had focused so much on, much like I had attempted to be identified by being a 'girlfriend' for so long.  That identity had become so much a part of me I had let it cover up the etching of "His Child" on my soul and pretty much tried to stick a tacky name tag over it to make myself feel better with so many different names written on it that it was too full to write anything else on. 

That Sunday morning, He ripped that piece of sticky, torn up, name tag I and the world had created for myself straight off of my heart and revealed (once again) the identity I had clung onto so dearly---- HIS.  Child of the King.


As I sat and listened to Derwin Gray preach about being adopted by a Heavenly Father sitting next to my earthly father, they both were nudging me... "Listen Darby, Listen how loved, beautiful, cherished and special you are." 
Something I had not believed of myself in a while, especially not after losing my job.
And something I so desperately needed to hear.

So as I write today, I write with a heart no longer afraid of what life has in store.  I come authentically saying that I believe Him when He promises a life of hope, and I pray I never again place a sticky name tag over His name again. 

I am broken in a beautiful mess right now as I am allowing God to put things back in place in my heart and ultimately in my life. For in this chapter, in all of my chapters and all of them to come--- I am His. I long for His will in my life because there is no other way I want to go.  I am done trying to 'talk Him into' thinking this was the way, but instead, I am so ready to let him lead me with each step (currently baby steps, hopefully growing in faith as I walk).

"You have calmed greater waters

Higher Mountains have come down"

2013: 365 Days of LIFE

One year is comprised of 12 months, 52 weeks, and 365 days... but there is so much more than days that make a year. 

2013 was 365 days of life for me; the life lived not simply because I was here on this earth breathing and going through the motions of my body maintaining efforts to stay physically alive, but the life lived that completely changes a person.

Each year I feel like the year before was one of "those" years in my life where I consistently found the wrong way to the destination I was seeking, or found 'all the bumps in the road' that I could.  And I don't deny that each year I pretty much have, but I do know for certain that this past 365 days completely encompassed every up, down, and in-between I think a human being possibly could within themselves and during the course of one year I have not only just found the bumps, valleys, mountain tops, and some bumpy creek beds; but I embraced myself at the end of it.

When I hear the word 'life', I think of running through hay fields, driving down dirt roads windows down with my favorite music blaring and singing along at the top of my lungs, dancing until I'm drenched in sweat and out of breath but still not leaving the dance floor, laughing with friends so hard the moment is literally etched in my memory... those happy life moments where all is good in the world.  But the reality of it is that life has many different scenes, and yet even when life shows up as being the exact opposite of the life I imagine when I think about it... it is still indeed my LIFE, and a very vital part of the masterpiece the Creator sees in me.

Over the past 365 days I have truly found who I am deep down inside of me, the raw-when nothing else is left but me in this room-me.  I found that there is a thing called joy that is not synonymous with happiness and could be found even in the most gut wrenching, heart aching, angry at God moments because joy is rooted in something so much bigger than that moment. I also embraced joy and happiness together many of times in the presence of friends or family, and sometimes just alone in those moments where everything made sense in the hurricane of my life. 

The difference in the life of 2013 and any other year is who I am at day 365.
 More so, who I am at day 8577 on my journey.

The woman I am today is a woman I would not have become if I did not experience all the life that I did this year, and a woman who can look you in the eyes and finally say I am proud of who I am.

Just for fun, let's look back on the past month, four weeks, 31 days of life--
In the past four weeks alone, I have:

• Said goodbye to a relationship and man I invested in greatly to choose myself over love
• Packed up all of my belongings and sent them back home with my sweet parents
• Quit a job that drained me in every way and taught me the ways not to run a business
• Obtained a job at my dream company in a new city
• Completed all of my requirements to graduate from college
• Turned my Aggie Ring to face the world 
• Saw a diploma with my name on it from Texas A&M University after 6.5 long years and then showed my family
• With my car loaded with clothes and things to live off of in a hotel, drove to Austin and started my new job

Just those 31 days are still quite a bit to process, much less the whole year because it pretty much was like that the whole year: no simple version of life was being played but instead it decided to make a beautiful harmonizing effect with numerous versions of life coming together as one to create a version of life just for me. The complexity and sometimes uncomprehending nature of life makes it that much more bitter sweet when you finally take a moment to see how you as a person grew and learned from it. Sure, I have a lot more of life to see, but I hope that I do not see such an collaboration of life packed into 365 days again.

Because today I stand before you proud to say I made it.... I MADE IT! 
I made it through a year of finding out what I wanted in life and what it may take to get there, Who was going to show me where to go, owning where I have been, standing up for myself to protect the precious promises He has for me, and  I made it through because He wasn't ready for me to give up...I MADE IT!

To get back to the point, this past year it is hard for me to remember specific dates or times but I remember all the life I lived within them.  The life that I pray I never have to see again, and the life that makes it all worth it... all of the memories, the moments, the tears and the laughter, I am thankful for that life I lived because if it were not for each of those moments individually I would not be who I am collectively today.  I pray that throughout the course of this next year I remember to embrace each moment a little tighter so that in 365 days from now I am twice as strong, wise, and blessed as I am today (just maybe without all the scars from turning the wrong way a few times ;) ).

Here's to a New Year.

 A New Beginning. 

But most importantly, here's to us all MAKING IT through the last 365 days of LIFE.