Oh! That's what those are for....

So you mean to tell me that you wear glasses to improve your vision?

Oh.
Okay.
So when things are blurry and out of focus... I'm suppose to use the tools that God has given me that are clearly defined for clarity and direction.... ohhhhh. Okay! I get it now. It's nice seeing clearer...

I had a few days of yukiness... still not great... I'm adjusting. Tuesday I woke up and forced myself to get out of bed and face the day... my mood wasn't great, but I was going. Then, as always, the Lord just reminded me of His faithfulness, goodness, and love for me. I am so very blessed. I have to brag a little... my dad is the best dad a daughter could ask for. Yes, I realize that every daughter is a bit bias, but I'm dead serious. God blessed me so much with a father that has a way with words. Sometimes his words are drawn out and lengthy, but meaningful none the less. I know I can always count on him, and my mother, to be there for me. It's weird, I never imagined wanting to be home or with my parents when I am upset... but this week was the opposite. I just wanted them to wrap me up in love, encourage me the way they do, and help me thought my confusion. So, in my selfishness, I was even more upset because I couldn't get home for a hug.... when I expressed that to my precious father... he simply said "dont' you feel me, I'm wrapping you up in my arms right now." I ofcourse couldn't help but cry and feel better all at the same time. It was great.
Just to know that people care, even when you feel like you have run off everyone that ever has is such a refreshing feeling. I know that this won't be the last time I will face those "demons" in my heart, but I know for sure that the lies I was hearing will not have as much power over me as they did this weekend.


It is so weird to be encouraged by my own words.
I write because it is a release, to see my thoughts organized and clear, to praise our Savior, and just to vent sometimes.... I never forsaw it being something that truely touched my heart in tough times.... But man it sure did.

:)

No matter what happens, I have hope in an eternal life with my Savior Jesus Christ. Life here on earth is nothing compared to eternity. The things I face today, the troubles my heart sees... He is there for me, He died for me... He loves me and has blessed me in so many ways that I do not deserve.... those troubles will NOT break me from His love or will in my life.

How refreshing!!

My focus was out for days....

Honesty. I have never wanted to talk to a therapist in my life. But today, I did. I wanted someone to just sit and listen, to not have to beat around the bush for a while so that I'm comfortable enough to break down and ask the tough questions about myself.... but to just cut to the chase. To sit down with someone and look them straight in the eye and tell them my thoughts.... my fears.... my concerns.... my questions.... and cry or scream a little.... then for them to be honest with me.... then I walk away. Hopefully better. But then I'm done. They don't keep asking me questions, they don't pity me, they don't leave me and there is no personal attachment.... This all might sound very unhealthy, but it's the honest truth in my heart today.
There was an issue that brought up other issues in my life this weekend and man oh man it's been eating away at me. I couldn't shut my mind up enough to sleep at all this weekend, then I was a zombie, a slave to my own torment, drowning in confusion brought on by my own tears and actions. Tough day. I was angry/frustrated/hurt/sad/agitated... just flat out lame. It was raining outside, which made it very easy just to stay in and cry along with the sky.
And so I did.
I sat.
I cried.
I slept, alot.
I prayed... constantly
I questioned.
I wondered.

But in the end. I breathed. In and Out. All day. that's all. Nothing productive, nothing destructive... just breathed. I existed. In the process of trying to figure out what the heck was going on with myself I wasted a day simply existing.

One more thing to be frustrated about.
Great.

You know, one day I'm gonna look back and all of this is going to make sense or I'm just gonna laugh at myself for thinking it was something that it wasn't. Or it is going to teach me something important.... whatever the case, one day I will look back at today and not still be in the same position. Until then... I just want to know some of the answers to my questions... or atleast know how to handle them.

Life is just an interesting journey. Some days are amazing, some are dark and painful. Some are a blur that never seem to come into focus.... Sometimes I just wish that the journey that led to today wouldn't be so darn confusing and that it could put together a map of the future.... but that's wishful thinking. In the end, I just wanna live a life that can praise Him and that even if I am battered and bruised, that I can look up to Him and tell him how I tried my hardest for Him.



((I have so much to write about concerning areas of my life... so much to get out, but as you might can tell, today is just not the day to try and decompartmentalize it all. ))

(( VENT SESSION ))

At the moment I am completely and totally frustrated.
Earlier I was telling a friend about being frustrated about how leadership was not being played out in a way that I felt leadership was suppose to be handled.... and then was completely and totally caught off guard by his comments. Not only did his comments catch me off guard, but less than a month ago, my brother had said some of the exact same things. Things that I feel like are completely opposite of how I intentionally try to be...

"i'm gonna be bluntly honest, because while sometimes it sucks to hear things, it helps in the end.... so yeah... you can smile more. i know you smile when you see me, or go give a huddle member a hug. but ng and waiting for things to happen your face doesn't put off the happy vibe. it has nothing to do with whether you are actually happy, but peoples perception of you. so smile. it never will put you in a bad mood to smile. also,.. and this may be the more harsh part... you need to try not to get offended. hospitality is an organization with a lot of people who reallly enjoy partying and reallllly enjoy doing crazy stuff. (using bad language is something they do too) but what i'm saying is even if somebody is upsetting you, you may just need to put on a happy face and act like things arent' that bad. i know that isn't you. i know that isn't what you do. i know you try to live your life on your outside but, a look here, or a whisper there... it is all about how people perceive you. not about what you DO, but what people think your intentions are.in the end all that matters is between you and God. so i'm not going to ask you to do anything that would contradict that, or put you in conflict. If you can't find a medium, then be who you are."

All of this was said in honesty and with a pure heart. I know it. And I want to believe all the things Dawson said to me where of the same intentions... but neither one of these people know how hard I try, how much I think about my actions, my words, my life.... this wouldn't be so frustrating if i didn't think about it so much, if I didn't desire to refect something bigger than me in my daily action..... but here I am. Failing. Failing. Failing.

Part of me feels like I am being attacked. That the devil is taunting me. Yet the other side of the coin is that if people see me like that, how can they see Christ? How can that glorify God?

(Breath)

I am just frustrated. The core of me is in a knot. I want to cry, yell, punch something, go run, or just be held. Yeah. Be held. ha. joke. That's another frustrating thing. I cannot seem to get memories to leave me alone. they all seem so real, sometimes I can feel them.... sometimes I can literally taste or smell the memories.... It has almost been a year, isn't this suppose to be gone by now? I hate it. HATE HATE it.

What is wrong with me?

Lord, hold me. Better yet, please give me your peace. I am struggling. I am waiting for something I deserve but while I am waiting, I am being tested.... I need your strength. I need to know this is of you. Show me yourself in this Lord. SHOW ME. You are Great, You are all things Good and Just, You are Righteous and Holy... and I am YOURS..... so Lord Jesus... show me yourself in this. I love you and just want to be whole in you and to be able to stand firm on knowing that I am not a failure in your eyes ,but your beloved...