My name is Darby. Some could know me by: confused, emotional, completely insane, silent, annoying, faithfully faithless at times, hard as a rock while being soft as a feather, beaten and bruised while hard as steal, hopefully optimistic and bitter towards life... All of those things could describe me completely at this moment in time.
After what I've been through over the past 3 months, you'd think I would be out of tears, you think that my 'give a damn' would be busted.... but due to this heart, ohhhh this heart, that my dear Father God gave me, it's not. My 'give a damn' is actually in full swing..... but aimed at myself. For once I am trying to be selfish, to know what I need and want, not what others would expect from me. I want to follow my heart, I may be a fool for doing it but my heart has always been my compass and I don't forsee that part of me changing one bit.
I've had my heart completely ripped out of my chest, stomped on, spit on, and then tenderly picked up by those angels He provided, and my Jesus' nail scarred hands. Throughout all of it, I knew my heart would never be the same.
I questioned God, His faith in me being able to handle all of this.... I questioned why he brought this upon me, what he wants me to learn.... and why He would allow it to happen when my heart was so tender from the wounds only a month or so beforehand. I asked why Mr. Ely, of all people to hurt me and of all the ways to hurt me.... I asked myself why God thought me to be strong enough to handle the love of my life looking me in the eye while he kissed another.... and why He thought I would be able to forgive... I questioned my guilt... I thought it would just be eaiser if I knew I had pushed him to hurt me so that I couldn't feel like it was just 'a mistake'.... that if I was to blame in some way that I could deal with it better... that I could forgive Mr. Ely because then it wouldn't all be his fault....
But that isn't true.
The truth is and always will be: I loved Mr. Ely with all of me. Heart, mind, and soul. Thought Mr. Ely was the one that my father would trust to spoil me and take care of me for the rest of my life. The love I had for Mr. Ely was one of completely complexity, willingness to walk through the fire for him to be by my side... not that I wanted to, but something in me said it was gonna be worth it. Something in me said that no matter how many times I was let down, that one day it would be worth it.
I don't know if that one day will ever come now, but I DO NOT for one second regret loving him and I don't think I ever will. The love I shared with Mr. Ely was passionate, deep, and true. I don't know what caused him to throw it away like he did, and I don't know if it will ever come back.... but I do know that the truth is that I loved him with all of me.
The truth is, I am not to blame for the mistake Mr. Ely made in a time of weakness. I did nothing but love him with everything I had, and I have no blame in his stupid ways. . .
Maybe that's why all of this is so confusing, yet, in the midst of the pain God has put angels by my side to help me walk through this valley and hold my hand when I needed someone to catch me... He provided people that love me and have shown what true friendship is really all about. I cannot thank them or Him enough for the love, encouragement, and laughter they have brought into this broken time of my life.
Over the past two weeks I have felt freedom, I have felt true joy, and I have felt complete and utter brokenness. The type of brokenness that I have never experienced and the type that I pray I never have to go through again... or anyone around me has to face.
My health has failed me lately and that's just down right frustrating. . . I want so badly to feel 100 percent in body so that my heart and mind may follow but it's just not doing what I want it to do right now.... and my parents can vouch, that sometimes that just doesn't go over too well. I've prayed over and over again for God to take the pain I feel away, for I know He alone is the Healer.... but He hasnt' yet. I pray daily for the doctors that know my case to be given the wisdom to help me and the right tools to be given to them to help ease my pain. Medications can only do so much, I desperately want to be able to function normally again, to work again, to stand up for more than 30 minutes again.... the medication can only do so much.
So as you can tell, in the midst of a break down in my spirit, my body decided to join. It's no fun. Not only do I just want to sit in bed all day and not face people due to my heart, but I want to sit in bed and not face people becasue in my bed I can let tears out from the pain, I can curl up in a ball and relieve some of it...
But life isn't found in bed alone....life is found outside my doorway.
Life must go on, no matter how confused I may be. No matter how much pain I may be in, life goes on.
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