I am being challenged in so many ways.... some I am embracing gladly, some I cannot wait to overcome. I am being grown and stretched and dug into.... all I can seem to think about for more than five minutes are things He is trying to teach me... I want to know. I want to know more about Him, I want to know how to love Him better, how to love you better, how to look more like Christ in this world... and not only that, but I want to do that in EVERY ASPECT of my life. Really. I want to be able to be spied on an still glorify the Lord when I am alone in my house playing with Mason (( my dog )). It is an odd feeling. I am so in love with my Savior. I want to please Him, to be His in ever aspect..... but that also means I have to fight things that are part of me that seem to be the exact opposite of those things. I have to willingly say no to myself, and I do sometimes, but not all the time. Sometimes I fall and don't glorify Him, I don't remember how great His love is... I get "out of the mood" to love Him. It is really no different than any other relationship in some aspects..... you know when you are in a relationship with someone who you love without a shadow of a doubt, that you are head over heels in LOVE with them.... but there are moments where you spend all your time with them and you just don't show them you love them when you get an opportunity.... and it isn't the "you are always trying to show them you love them because you HAVE to" but the showing someone you love them, simply because you want them to know and never doubt it.
It's like that way with Christ. I want to do everything I can to show Him I love Him.... because He loves me eight billion times more that I can imagine, AND because I really do love him with everything. He makes my heart dance when I hear songs about Him (the way your heart flutters when you hear your special someone's name randomly in the day), He floods my heart with love and comfort when I am frustrated (like when you are angry and your someone just holds you and all that tension inside of you flows out), when I hear how He is loving someone else I can hardly hold back my tears ( like when that someone helps someone else out just because and all you want to do is say "He is my ____, isn't he great?).... I love my Lord. Not only do I love him because He is lover and friend, but because He is also my savior, the creator God, and my hope.
When you sit and think about it, it is overwhelming. And then it is so frightening to see that sometimes our lives don't even reflect how overwhelming it is. To continue to use the analogy... it's when you get in a relationship with someone, you want people to know. . . you do things in public together, you show them off to the people in your past, you tell everyone you know when you aren't with them..... But when it comes to being in a relationship with God who is perfect, that loves us better than anyone else can.... we hardly let people know. And the other crazy thing is that unlike a relationship with a special someone that you don't want others to be a part of and you want to keep it all to yourself because you know that person cannot love anyone else like they love you and vise versa.... well the relationship with Jesus is for EVERYONE... and I am glad to share it, actually, I WANT you to have it because it is the best thing ever......
But do we live like that? Do I live like that?!
Also, I am stuggling with just wanting to go. More than ever before, I just want to go and see... to meet people, to love on different people in different places, and to see what all He has out there.... and the only things stopping me are money and this whole "getting a degree" thing. I find myself wanting to just leave and see where He takes me. To sell everything I own (or give it back to my parents ) and just go. Who knows, right? I mean... really. I just want Him to take me where ever He wants me to be.... and I guess the idea of it is simply to be able to follow Him, which can be done at a smaller more realistic scale, I know, but the grandness of just giving everything up and going .... woah. Those of you who know me, know that this isnt' a surprise or something that should come to you shocking. But unfortunatly, I find myself being in a prime position to do such a thing.
Who knows!!
Love you....
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