... beautifully constructed fairy tale....

When I’m at the point of breaking at the place where I resign,

And I’m at the stage of shaking my head as I look back on my life,

When I’m halfway through the grieving, but not quite through the ache,

When I cannot see the ending

Or which road I’m supposed to take,

All I know to do is lift my hands to You.

I am a firm believer in the power of written words, maybe that is because I find refuge in words, I can be free without fear of saying the wrong thing, or maybe it is because when I write I write from my heart, there are no lies, no half truths.... my words are my heart. When I hear words that tug my heart, it touches me more than someone actually physically touching me. And the neat thing is.... people who love me, know that.... God knows that... that's why there are songs like the one above that pop into my life on nights like tonight, or messages from a friend that couldn't have come at a better time, or a two hour car ride lacking a single second of silence.

But the worst part of words is that they aren't always true. Words from people are always subject to hidden agendas, falsehoods, and deception. I guess that's life though. All aspects of life are subject to those violences against truth. The art is, and the beauty is, when you do hear truth. Truth resounds in my soul like thunder in a hollow oak tree. There is truth all aruond me, all around you everyday, it's just looking past those barriers, looking through the laser beams of fakeness and lies you can see the truth shining through. Truth has been surrounding me like a blanket, in the darkness of this night comes the warmth of true, honest words being whispered and shouted from every corner.

The worst part of it all is that I am scared of the truth right now, I am comforted falsely in the lies I've been hearing constantly. The truth is foreign, I don't know how to react to it when I try to think about it instead of just letting my knee jerk reaction to run towards it kick in.

What I mean is that this night is dark, it's cold, it's scary. I have truths I know and that I am being reminded of that keep me taking one step at a time praying that this night doesn't last forever.

I'm tired of answering the "how are you?" question with "alright" or " i've been better".... I just want to see that sun rise and feel it's warmth on my face. I dream about it, I think about it, my sisters tell me about it like they are telling me a story from my childhood... I look at the dawn as a beautiful myth, a beautifully constructed fairy tale that seems too good to be true. (kinda like the rest of my life)

But every night has a dawn, every valley has an incline, every nightmare is only a dream....

my fisherman can reel me in anytime He'd like

So I'll be honest, I'm not doing great.

I feel like a bobber in the ocean.... each wave pulls me under in a new direction, as soon as one is over, I have enough time for a breath, but then another one comes along, or my hook gets caught on something deep in the ocean....
At times the ocean is calm and gives me the chance to relax enough to not focus on the fact that there is a storm on the horizon. All along I know that somewhere I am attached to a string that's attached to a pole that is watching me, but I can't see it. I can't see my fisherman. All I see is ocean, all I feel are the waves capsizing over me. Sea water does not taste good.
He says to have faith, that He calms storms.... look at when he was in the boat with the disciples, the man was sleeping when the disciples were about to jump ship and pray for the best. . . but He just calmly got up, told them to chill out, and then told the storm to chill....
Well, I'm praying God calms this storm like he did that one. I am praying he will give me a break from drowning on a daily basis.
I feel as thought Satan is just hiding, waiting to attack as soon as I get a smile on my face, as soon as I think that I'm not gonna be overcome by these waves, as soon as I begin to float.... BAM! No sir! All of the world could be against me, but that string holds me up enough to not be lost. He knows my pain, He knows my struggles.... that fisherman, my God, has already won these battles with the waves. I don't know His purpose in all of this, but I do know that it is His purpose which is never to harm, but to give hope and glory to Him.

His Fight Conquers My Insecurities

It's amazing how and what He choses to teach through.
It's honestly mysterious how all of the bumps, turns, dead ends, gusts of winds, and pot holes teach me something.

I have learned more about who I am in the past 4 months that I have probably my whole life. I have learned about the woman I am meant to be... mostly through trial and error, but what's new. I have found out what I want and what I don't want, who is important to me and who really isn't, what I want to do and what I don't, how I want to be and how I don't.

I hate the aches that these things have caused me so that I would learn but I am so thankful for the lessons.

I'm proud of who I am in a way. I'm proud of what I have become when dealing with my heart. I am protective of the beauty and gifts He has given me. I am guarded and don't fall for the little things... I am no longer weary of what I bring to the table, but I proudly give a snapshot so they may be intriged but not be able to hurt me. Plus my heart is tender even though it is surrounded by guards. . . so why try to lay it out there just to get a knife put in it? I'm not gonna do that. Done that before, left it all out there just to watch it get taken advantage of. Quoted from a great song that I'm in love with at the moment... "I'm no body's fool anymore I'll do just fine out on my own/ the next one to come around will know, I'm nobody's fool." I'm not going to let anyone take advantage of me. It might be easy for me to let them because that 'warm' feeling I may get, but not anymore!

In life you learn to figure out how you get by only by experience and His hand guiding you. There is alot to say right now about what I'm learning but somehow I can't find words... even here. I am learning lessons about my heart and who I want to hold it... Him. My God who doesn't fail me, who is breaking me at the moment, who is faithful, and more loving than I can explain. He is teaching me about the daughter that I am, the child He has claimed me as...
... and man that's difficult for me to grasp because I do NOT feel worthy of that, I'm told all the time what I treasure I am, how great I am, what good things I'm going to do in life... and as soon as I start looking at that instead of why people say that I get all down and out. Why? Because when I hear those words I hear how wonderful people think I am (especially males) and then still see all that have left me and chosen others, I see that I am alone and it makes it feel fake and less meaningful. But the problem is that I try to take credit for that beauty they see and that beauty is not mine. That beauty is from Him. And it is through Him I will feel complete, through Him I will feel like a princess, a jewel, something worth fighting for. And maybe one of these days I'll see someone put up a fight for me here on this earth, but til that day I can see the fight He put up for me my looking at the ink on my skin: The Cross.

The fall cannot last forever

Well I jumped from the plane... only to wonder if this parachute will deploy or if there is a soft landing somewhere. I've done quite a bit of crazy things in my life, but this one takes the cake. I have never quite felt so.... so... confused. Am I doing what is right? Did I jump for the wrong reasons?
Only time will tell.

Until that time I know a few things are certain....
- the wind in my hair feels amazing
-I know that if I land softly or not that my god and my girls will be there to bandage the wounds and asses the damage.
-I will learn something from this, all of this.

I always learn from confusion, from heartache, from battles I do not win... it's my life. I don't think I can tell you one time in which I learned things the easy way or even thought about going the easy way in life. My parents can vouch for that. I am one of those people who does things the hard way... and sometiems that is to my advantage because through the hard way I learn things that some people never really understand their whole life. It's one of those cursed blessings I suppose. It would be harder if I haven't grasped that fact, it would be worse if I believed that I really did do things the easy way and it always just ended up hard... but not I. I know for a fact how I live... God made me stubborn, and sometimes it is the very thing that pulls me away from Him. My pride in my stubbornness jolts me towards myself and not my King. It's a battle I face every moment of every day. It makes me stronger and wears me out...

We are about to begin a new study by Beth Moore... Breaking Free is the name of it. I am scared to death of the ways He is about to confront me and break me, yet I know it is going to be amazing. We, my girls and I, are doing this together, so I know that we will be able to keep each other accountable and be in the refining flames together.
I guess this is a part of me jumping from the plane, there were so many ways I jumped when I jumped... so many things I was jumping from and towards when I jumped. I felt freedom when I jumped, it was the scariest thing I have done in a while, yet it gave me the greatest rush of adrenaline i've ever experienced. It was a rush of knowing I did it and being proud while being completely overwhelmed by fear.

Time.
Give it time... the fall cannot last forever.