Bob: the Pancreas that Could

As some of you know, I have a chronic condition that seems to be very tricky. My pancreas, Bob, decided years ago, maybe even at birth, that he would be a 'thorn in my side'... and quite literally at that. I have struggled since my diagnosis when I was 19; struggled with how to live my life without feeling diseased, struggled how to deal with the pain and side effects of such a condition, struggled with communicating to my loved ones about my body, struggled with paying for the hospital visits and medication... ect.

This week I have been dealing with a doozie of an attack.  After a few days, lots of pain, and being able to time my rushes to the bathroom after any attempt to eat food,  I decided to go ahead and head to the hospital to see if they could give me some relief.

(( let me just take a second and explain to you why this was decision was delayed as well as heavily avoided.  For the past year or so, each time I had gone to the hospital or any medical facility in hopes for some relief, I rarely received such things due to the fact that my pancreatic enzyme levels were always normal by the time I made it in to the hospital, which is the indicator of an acute pancreatic attack. And therefore when I come in and explain to them I am having all the symptoms of an attack, yet the tests say otherwise, doctors do their duty and say that I am not having an attack and send me along... which I understand, in their shoes. But in mine, it has become quite frustrating and the main reason why I even hesitate to go in at all. Also, most of the times I have gone to the hospital in the past year or so, I have done so alone, or with a friend out of duty or pity, which sometimes makes it feel even worse... and when I am in pain, sick to my stomach, and my body is weak, it's no fun to be alone on top of that... Plus, hospitals are not the most comforting places in the world..))

So after a very tearful decision to let the love of my life and best friend take care of  me the best he knew how by taking me to people who have better tools to help heal me than he does, we were finally on the way to the hospital.

We went through the normal procedures, got a room, and started getting things going. When the phlebotomist came to take my blood, I went into my normal routine of closing my eyes, squeezing my thigh with my other hand, and taking a few deep breaths... then a hand grabbed mine...  I wasn't alone. For the first time in a while, I was truly not alone in facing one of the hardest struggles I have had over the years. And not only was I not physically alone, I could tell I was not alone in my fight anymore emotionally. Clint was right there with me body, heart, and mind.  It was beautiful.

As the time progressed, the drugs ran through my veins, and we waited for the doctor to come back to tell us what was going on, I didn't feel the way I normally did... I was in pain, yes, I was uncomfortable from the medicine, yes, I was tired emotionally and physically, yes, but I felt like there was hope this time around.  And hope there was!

The doctor came back in, told me forthright that my pancreatic levels were fine. Almost immediately my heart sank and I felt the tears and anger rising up... Clint had my hand and squeezed back just as hard. I expected the doctor to just go through the normal speech of  telling me he didn't know why I was having abdominal pains and that he would give me some medicine to help ease the pain and calm my stomach... yet instead, the doctor just paused and used the magical word "BUT" ...

He went on to let me know they discovered I had an infection and that they were giving me some antibiotics to help treat it... so he was glad I came in because it was pretty bad.
I finally spoke up and asked the doctor straight up, with as much frustration as the morphine would let me express, why would I have so much pain and the exact symptoms of a pancreatic attack when everything was fine....

The doctor was so gentle with his explaination, an explaination that seemed to just put everything right in my mind.... He told me that my pancreas was probably so damaged that it acted sorta like 'arthritis of the gut'. He went on to say that I probably had experienced a pancreatic episode earlier in the week, and then my pancreas just continued to be flared up because of the infection.

It all finally made sense to me, and after a few days of thought, I can honestly say that I have no more anger towards my body.

The way I see it--- it's a beautiful thing.

In my weakness, my sickness, and my pain--- I was not alone at all.  Clint had been right there from the first moment I felt bad and has not left my side.... not in the same way other friends have been, but in the way that I truly believed he was in the fight with me. I never have experienced that before and it is probably the most comforting thing, outside of wishing he never had to, I have felt during my struggle with my health.  I realized for once that I was not the only one that was hurting; maybe I was the only one feeling the physical side of it, but he, my family, and some close friends, hurt with me when I hurt... they are frustrated as I am when we don't have a solution to fix me, and they are tired of me not being at 100% with me because they don't like it as much as I don't like it.

It's a blessing within this curse of mine.

It's a blessing that Bob not only has his own issues, but when my body is fighting against something, Bob feels it too-- it's messed up when you really think about it, yet it's kinda endearing.  Although my pancreas is damaged without having to deal with anything else, it still feels the pain and struggle of other parts of my body.

The body is a mysterious thing, one I will never understand and am completely okay with that. But I do feel comforted in knowing the reason why I have hurt all the times when my 'levels are fine'.  And most of all, I feel comforted and confident that I will never face it alone, and that none of my pain is carried by myself fully, but partly by my partner in life and best friend...

Despite the increased medical bills and missed work... I am very thankful that this little episode happened and the doctor that treated me was there to help make a little more sense of my crazy world.