Some things I am Learning

Lessons I'm learning:

• I am courageous.
• It's not conceded of me to think of myself as courageous. 
• It took a lot of courage and faith to make the steps I have in the last few months. 
• Courage and Faith go hand in hand. 
• Being courageous comes does not mean it comes with the responsibility of how others react to your choices. 
• Being courageous isn't always a welcomed trait to people around you. 
• I am His. 
• He has given me the courage to do lean in on faith and trust that He will provide. 
• He has provided. All my needs. 
• I am loved by my creator. 
• He chooses me over the sunsets He creates and calls me (us) His masterpiece. 
• He has held me and given me Peace that only the God of the Universe can give. 
• He is in control and I only need to surrender, surrender everything. 
• I am okay no matter how I feel.
• Feelings are convoluted. 
• Feelings are a distraction from the spiritual truth. 
• I can feel alone, I can feel defeated, I can feel gross... but the foundation I am standing on never changes.  
• My life is an ongoing journey, a journey in which someone else along the way may need me for and it all glorifies my King in the end if I let it, meaning if I'm vulnerable enough to share my story. 
• No matter my journey, God has put someone in my life at my lowest who asks the simple question of "How did you do it?" 
• There has not been a painful season that I haven't told the story about, the story of how God pulled me through...and that will not change today. 
•  My dog is a great companion. 
• Frank is an un-certified emotional support dog. 
• I am so grateful for this dog. 
• He's cute. 
• He's an extension of God's love to me. 
• I am never truly alone despite the devil trying to convince me that I am. 
• I have Frank the Dog. 
• I am literally on the phone most nights with someone at least once every day, someone who loves me, someone who knows me, and someone who wants  to hear my voice. 
• I have people that are grateful to hear my voice and look forward to hearing said voice. 
• I am a survivor. 
• I have not been defeated  by any one of the battles I have faced. 
• I am still here today. 
• This season of my life requires a lot of grace for myself and that is okay. 
• Having grace for myself is a learning experience and one full of vulnerability, it's not always pretty. 
• Being okay with having grace for myself to not do anything one day when I know I need to do things but have no strength to do anything, that's perfectly acceptable of someone who is experiencing healing. 
• Healing requires patience and grace with yourself. It's not overnight, it is a process *(yes Christy, I am trusting the process) 

I am learning with every day, every sunrise, every sunset, every phone call with those I love.... I am learning. 

Four Years - The Gift of the Other Side

 It's been four years since .... 

Four years... 

Who am I today after four years? How have I grown? What have I done with this gift? 

I don't know the answers to any of those questions, I just know I am here.  I am here. I am here. I am here. I work through the days, I stumble, I make mistakes, I sometimes make good choices... but I am here nonetheless. 

You want me to say I'm grateful, and most of the time I am, but every year around this time I cannot say fully what I am other than just here.  I haven't found the reason why He said "No, not yet", but I believe in one day finding out that answer.  Today, I am here. 

So many other people do not get this chance to simply say they are here and for that I am grateful. 

Today, this week, I am clouded with the grief of knowing how I felt in my same body four years ago... alone, weak, sad, abandoned, shipwrecked, and uncomfortable in my own skin. Isolated. Shameful. Alone. Unworthy. I could go on, but I believe you and I both get the point... it was pretty bleak. And it comes back to me during these days. I feel for the person I was during that time, like what I imagine it is to feel for a child who goes through these things... it hurts, but it doesn't quite hurt the same way. I feel those things in a diluted form because I have been given the gift of the other side. Does the other side give all the answers? Heck no! But the other side gives hope that I didn't have in those days. Today I get to feel those things with a glimmer of hope and peace knowing that there is a reason I am still here.  Days like today I have no earthly idea why in fact I am still here, but I know I am and there must be something to it. 

Recently I was talking with a friend and told him the higher you get in life, in the good, in the vulnerability, in the grandness of life the deeper the pool is at the bottom of the cliff.... which isn't all bad... we must know the risk in the high to appreciate the depth. The depth isn't all bad, for it is where we do the most knowing... it isn't the high that we understand things but in the fall and the plunge where we realize the beauty of the scenery from above, and honestly, sometimes we appreciate the scenery below more too. 

All I know is that I am here, and for that, today .... right now, after a good talk with an old friend, I am grateful. It doesn't always feel that way. But in the midst of the plunge to the depths this week is certain to bring (along with the beautiful goodness in the depths), I am grateful. 

He told me NO four years ago. 

In four years I've seen my niece grow to celebrate her fourth birthday, I've seen the expansion of my family by one double dimpled goober, I've surprised my first niece for her birthday, I've moved to a new state that I am absolutely in love with, I've seen states I've never seen before, I've walked through a global pandemic and two career changes, I've hugged by parents and hugged strangers.... I've lived. I haven't figured it all out, but I have lived. 

He told me NO four years ago and gave me the gift of the other side, He never said it would be easy, but I know and I truly believe, it is for a reason.  Maybe one day I'll know the reason, but until then, I'll keep living in the gift of the other side.