I never thought

I never thought I would WANT to forgive him. But today when I woke up, I felt so burdened and his name was on my heart.
My father taught me something all of my life, it got annoying when I was a kid, but now... it's something that helps day in and day out... "Kill them with kindness" .... So given the circumstance, I can't just be nice, but I can stop being mean about him. I can kill the mean/evil thoughts in my mind towards him with kindness.... I can start thinking of him as a brother in Christ instead of the person who broke my heart and then some.
He doesn't deserve for me to forgive him...but nor do I deserve for christ to forgive me the way he does. It is no different, and as a child of the King, so should my actions.

pray for me, for this is in NO way easy, it is completely against what my flesh wants to do.... ugh

this mystery we call life

Wow, so this life.... the journey... the adventure... the craziness of it all is something of true mysterious beauty.
This weekend I was hit by the excitement of my future. There is absolutely nothing out of my range of possibilities! WOW! That is exciting. Who knows where He is going to take me in my life! I know that it is going to be great, that it is going to stretch me, and that it is going to grow me... all while giving me the most amazing gift of just life. Life is something that I have taken for granted in the past, something that I did not understand the greatness of it. We only have one opportunity to be all that we are made to be, to leave a legacy for Christ, to give it all to gain eternity.... One chance to say "alright God, make this good. I trust you. You do this. I want it to be beautiful, like the beauty you and only you can create. I can't see the future, I don't know myself like you do, I don't know what I want... so You just TAKE ME!"
So in the midst of the craziness of this thing called my life, I find peace and an uncontrollable joy that I have NO CLUE where my life is going other than in the way He intends! :) I know right now it is easy to say and one day it will be tougher than today... but for now I will find my joy in knowing He is now in control completely. Hopefully that joy will push me through those tough days.






And on another subject....
My anger towards Daniel is subsiding and this funny feeling of "haha" is coming over me. I am blessed that he showed me who he really was, I am fortunate that he broke my heart like he did because now... I want no part of that in my life, and I really could care less about all the dreams "we" had. He missed out on me... too bad for him. He made this girl tougher, stronger, and less likely to EVER want someone like him in my life. :) It's awesome. And now that I am moving on, getting over him... I am happier than ever.
I would love to get the opportunity to speak to him one last time. Or wait, I would love to just live the most awesome life ever and go back to him and say "thanks butt"! :)






I am proud of the way I have dealt the cards I have been handed the last 4 months. It has made me so much stronger. I found out the people who really mattered in life were those that really won't ever leave you. I have found out that friends are important, they are the things that give you that extra "umph" when you need it, but Christ is the ONLY one who can satisify. He is all I need. I have discovered that opportunities come and go, its just up to you to jump on it and ride because if you don't, they arent' gonna stop for you. I have learned that I am strong, I am beautiful, I am unique and the only one that can do what He made ME for. I found out that you can cry about something someone did but not be crying for them, and that tears are not admitting defeat, but watering the seed that will grow into the new you. I figured out that laughter is truely a medicine for the soul and that girl nights are a NECESSITY TO LIFE! I have discovered that pictures aren't always permanent and memories last longer, even when you don't want to remember them anymore.
But above all, I have realized how lucky I am to be me. How blessed I am, even when all has fallen apart. And that God is good to His children.
Amen

These are not tears of Defeat

So I just don't understand.
I need to just get away from everything and let myself be still with the Lord. I am incredibly frustrated by situations in my life that are out of my control. I want to fix them, i want to make things better. For one situation I feel helpless, like I've done all I can. The other, I have no idea. I know it is completely out of my hands but why does it still anger me so? Why do i still cry? Why am I still confused? Why do i now regret things? I never ever wanted to regret anything in life, and now, I regret the thing that I thought was the best thing that the Lord had ever put in my life. I regret letting someone in, giving them everything and trusting they wouldn't do what they've done. And on top of that, now, the situation is a nightmare. I never wanted it to be like this, if we had to be apart, why did it have to end in me boiling with anger at the thought of him? I am thankful that I got to see truth in all the lies, but not happy about being so angry and bitter towards another human... towards a brother in Christ. This is not how it is suppose to be!! At All!!!

And God has really burdened me with the thought that maybe I was like this at one point in my life towards someone else. . . and it just kills me. I would NEVER EVER wish this sort of pain, confusion, anger, and disappointment on ANYONE.... and to think that I might have CAUSED it for someone else. Oh wow. That just stinks. How do i make ammends for that? And will Daniel ever see this the way I am?
There are alot of questions, alot of things that I wish were not how they were right now... but I cannot change them. All i can do is realize that He is in control. Not me, not ever me, but Him. And he knows what is going on. He calms my anger and fears, he knows what it feels like to be lied to and hurt.... and He is there constantly. Those times I feel lonely, just want a hug or a smile, or a gentle touch.... He is there. Maybe not physically, but my heart feels it. One day He is going to give me something better than this, someone who can hug me better than Daniel ever did, someone that can stroke my face and warm my soul.... I trust that the Lord will bring that to me when the time is right, so until then, the tears I cry are not out of defeat they are out of a heart crying to the Lord to be all I need.

((this is so hard))

CAUSE

"CAUSE me to grow in faith, Oh Lord."

to be caused to do something.... not to simply grow my faith, but to CAUSE my faith to grow.... wow. I am asking the Lord to stretch me to where I will cling to the cross more blindly than ever before. What a statement. What a statement to live by, but not to be taken lightly.

In the midst of all of this in my life He is blessing me with days that are abundant in His beauty and He is loving me so dearly with the wind in my face and the beautiful stars in the sky. Oh how i wish I could just leave and go to Copper Canyon Mexico for a couple weeks. To just escape the everyday business and chores to go and just spend time with Jesus. Just me and Him in the beautiful vast creation that He created and he spoke into existence.... To go and be with him, to just be cleared of all the things that could be distracting me from Him. To just be able to sit and listen to Him speak to my heart things that I so desperately need to hear.
Since we all know that I cannot do that, I am trying to find ways to "get away" while still living here. I went and ran last night for a little bit, it was beautiful. I mean, HE IS SOO BEAUTIFUL!!! Sometimes I wonder if I could ever take it all in.... I always feel like I could have just sat and looked up while the wind blew past my face.... for hours and not have done it enough. Oh how i hate that I started reading Thoreau when i was only 13!!! UGH!!!

For a status update:
I am doing alright. I am slowly forgiving and moving on from the hurt. He is showing me ways to give it all to Him. It really has been easier than I thought it would, this whole falling out of love with someone. I mean the situation helped that a lot, but still. I am missing my family during these times, a lot. I feel like I owe something to them, i feel like I owe them a thank you, or a "I was wrong the whole time and thank you for just letting me realize it on my own"... or maybe because I know they will be there for me no matter what, and really knowing that is true. It is a beautiful thing to know the truths in life when all you can think about is all the lies.
Sometimes I feel like I am in a battle, something much bigger than I, something that is very scary and very humbling all at the same time. I don't know what the devil wants with me, but he ain't gettin it!! I am a warrior of the King, the Conqueror, the Savior! take that devil!!!

I miss some friends that know me really well (Jasmine) and feel horrible that I took our relationship for granted.... but God's got great stuff in store for both of us so it's all good.

Tomorrow is gonna be a good day, a better day than today ever was. :)

Questions

So I am here, in this place, with You. My heart is once again shattered, but more angry than ever before. You know better than anyone that I hate being angry. I hate being mad at something. I hate being hurt by someone and being angry at them. It's so hard not to judge, not to show my anger on that person and not be who You want me to be in the situation.
I didn't think I could feel this way about a person I felt so strongly for. I never thought I could be so angry and let someone hurt me so badly. I must be at fault right? This person thinks that he has no reason to feel badly, because he is doing what he should via Your will.... but that confuses me... how can someone hurt someone so badly, and then tear them up AGAIN in YOUR NAME?! And how can someone call me out on having trouble forgiving all the ways he wronged me while he is sitting there tearing me down in the name of Your Son!? I do not understand. Where are You in this? The place I believe you are, or in his hateful words? You are leading me away from him, and I am sooooo glad, I do not want that in my life, any part of it. But why, when you are leading him in great places and working in him, is he still cold?
And God, I am so thankful that you showed me what you did. It doesn't take the anger away, not the pain from all the lies, nor the confusion from the mistrust or the feelings that existed. I know there is something better out there for me, WAY better. No one deserves to be treated the way I was/had been nor does anyone deserve to just "get away" with treating someone so badly.
It's like being told everything was a lie. A huge big fat lie. And all those people that threatened him if he ever hurt me, where are they? Are they fooled by his ways too? Where were the warning signs? What did I do so wrong to deserve such a slap in the face and a knife to the heart? What will this teach me other than I deserve better and that I shouldn't trust people so easily?
Can you tell I am just really confused?

I know Jesus will make a way, He has compassion on His children who have hearts of sorrow, He made the day today, He reigns. He is glorious. He will NEVER do this to me! EVER! He won't lie to me, He will not be fake and tell me he loves me, because my God LOVES ME! Sometimes that is the only thing that keeps me going, knowing that atleast ONE person, the greatest of them all, loves me, not the kind of love that I thought I had, but the REAL love that is everlasting.

Whoever you are,
Pray for me. For healing. For forgiveness, for me to just let go and let Him carry me though this. Pray that I would be able to look at this, at the lies, at the disappointment and that my eyes would be lifted to the cross and the sacrifice Jesus gave for ME....