Santa

When you get screwed over by someone in your life, mainly talking about when a man decides he wants to be a lying cheater, it tends to taint your view on men, or really love in general.
I was thinking about this tonight and trying to find a way to explain that I am not bitter towards men, nor do I think love is a lie.... So the best way for me to explain it is the following analogy:

Finding out you have been cheated on by someone you love dearly is heartbreaking, it takes the breath out of you, makes you second guess every step you ever made.... It doesn't make the love you have in your heart un-true, it simply makes the giver of that love you believe in to be true not so authentic.

Now, Santa is one of those awesome traditions that has been in the heart of
Children since the beginning of Western civilization... The excitement you have as a kid knowing Santa comes and brings amazing things every year, opening toys and random gifts you wanted since December 26 of the previous year with such overflowing joy...
All of it, so beautifully rehearsed by adults, so well played when asked cute questions of Santa's where abouts on Christmas eve, stories of where he lives and how he knows the things he does----
Then one day, the breath gets knocked out of your 7 year old body and someone let's it slip that your parents are Santa and Santa doesn't exist.
The moment of utter confusion...
The concern of how delusional you must have been to think there were actually reindeer on my roof every year, much more importantly how could You not have caught that reindeer cannot fly?!
The questioning---
The confusion--
The anger at the person who revealed it all making you feel such a fool---

.... But yet, the gifts Santa brought every year are still there for you to touch and feel.
And even better still, Christmas and the holiday tradition of giving gifts doesn't end when you find out Santa doesn't exist, it keeps going on.
Maybe Christmas morning isn't so exciting as it was back when you were innocent to the ways of the world, much like life is more exciting when you believe all people to be good, but maybe now it gives you a deeper appreciation for the gifts you receive because they aren't from a made up fat man, but they are from true living people.
And maybe your heart will never be the same after you've been cheated on, but it doesn't mean that love doesn't exist anymore.

I know that probably sounds like a crazy analogy, but it is what it is. Enjoy.

The Journey

Life.

Life takes us on an unexpected journey from day one.

But the real day one usually isn't until we reach the age to understand that this life isnt all fairy tales, happy endings, and good feelings.
Day one of the realization of this incredible journey usually coincides with a great moment that you realize you are not in control, and never really will be.
The good Lord above always has control, gives us glimpses of His mysterious plan, but never shows His full masterpiece until we are ready...
I am still waiting to see His finished artwork from the beauty of Heaven, and will until He calls me home.

The thing is though, this life is not what I expected of it. Not once when I was younger did I think I would ever go through the things I did, fail the times I have, nor experience great victories like I have. Yet, even though some of those things left bitter memories, they are all part of the great journey and the great masterpiece that is my life so that I can maybe look back and all in all not see the hurts, the failures, the tears; no, but so I could see the full picture of beauty, of my own 'fairy tale'.

I am no longer in search of my story book life.... I am on the journey to explore the story of my life written by my Creator.

I think when we find ourselves so caught up in trying to have the perfect life, the happily ever after, the successes of this world... We loose the focus and the joy out of it all.
I should know. I've been looking for all of that.... And I don't have any of that to show for myself.
I simply have the amazing journey I have been through to get to this point of understanding. I do have lots of tears I have shed, I do have lots of failures... But they do not define my journey, they bring it character, lessons, and encouragement to keep going.

So, remember... Life isn't a snap shot picture of one moment we dream of, it is a collage of all the moments we dreamt of (even the nightmares) that will make up something all in all beautiful.

Jeremiah 29:11

Yeah. I am THAT girl.

So I am the girl who wears boot cut jeans, not skinny jeans.

I wear worn out cowboy boots or even my nice ostrich boots, but they are all nicely placed underneath my boot cut jeans.

I am the girl who would laugh if you brought me a drink that was any other color than some version of amber or brown. . .

I am the girl who likes flowers, but in theory. I do not like the cliche red rose, or the cliche dozen red roses. Nope.

I am the girl who would rather ride around in a truck on dirty backroads than sit in a high class restaurant.

I am the girl who can hang with the boys, and who has the fun stories I tell the girls.

I am the girl who will cook, clean, and take care of anyone, but you try to take care of me... I'll probably bite you.

I am the girl who will turn down requests to hang out to just be at home because I can't really host you at your house, now can I?

________________________________________________________

A long time ago I wrote this to a guy, a guy who (speaking freely) is the guy.... that one that will always be the 'what if' guy, the guy who knows me to the core without having to ask me any questions or have any dramatic relationship fights with... anyway, I wrote this to him when we were trying to figure out what was going on in our lives/hearts to explain to him how much of a contradiction I was (and am)... I want to get this out there, one more time, because it has been on my mind...

So one thing I can't cook to save my life: pot roast. The easiest thing to get right, I fail at.

I love puppies and babies, but I hate pink. I love flowers but I think that carnations are absolutely disgusting and red roses make me gag. I suck at cleaning regularly, but cannot stand a dirty house. I am horrible with money but I would spend my last dime on taking people to dinner or cooking for them. I hate it when people treat me like a child but I desperately want to be babied when I feel insecure and upset.

I can write a beautiful blog, or a note to someone but when it comes to speaking to someone else about what I am feeling, I look at them and it scares me to say anything....but oh, I can write.

I want to travel but I hate not seeing people I love.

I hate commercials but cannot stand people who flick through the channels.

I call myself a fighter, but in reality, people tend to run all over me because it's easier to make them happy than anything.

If I had it my way, i would already have a family because I want children so badly... but half the time I can't take care of myself.

I want to be rich, but not for wealth, but so I can repay my parents and just have a BBQ every weekend with my friends that I don't really have.

My faith has kept me alive, but sometimes religion leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

Blessed. Encouraged.

Sometimes it's the right timing by the right people that make the world so much brighter and give you the strength to take the next step, or to even keep standing.

Life comes with beautiful moments like these that were given to me by beautiful people in my life to remind me that the stuff I am going through, the stuff I have been through... all of it is molding me into what I am becoming in the future and helping me be prepared to be oh so thankful for the things to come.

I'm blessed and encouraged. Thank you.....

... I really feel that you are more than capable to do anything that is placed in front of you. I just know that you are so talented and sometimes that talent can’t come thru due to depression or frustration. I am confident that God’s plan for my darling daughter Darby is more awesome than I or she could fathom. You go girl……Love you more than you’ll ever know and so thankful God blessed me with you---I’m proud of you for who you are ---so go and be what God wants you to be…I love you and can’t wait to see where the journey goes from here...

"One day you are going to make a beautiful wonderful wife and mother and will never be lonely again because you deserve that and the world."

Isaiah 30:21

"If you wander off the road to the right or the left, you will hear His voice behind you saying, 'Here is the road. Follow it." --Isaiah 30:21

The Past:

So Friday I spent most of my day trying to understand why this year had been so crappy.
I was crying on the shoulder of one of my friends telling them how horrible this year had been, how they didn't understand, how my frustrations were valid, how they were insulting me when saying "everyone runs into walls sometimes"... I had run into a freaking dam, not a wall.
I cried and cried, as I have done plenty of times, about how much this year has been an epic failure and how everything I had believed in for the past two years was all for not; how I couldn't shake this rut that I am in because I keep thinking about all the things I want and love are gone.
I will be honest, I am struggling. I have been for a while. There are things in my life that I do not understand. I do not understand at all why I lost the job that I was more passionate about than anything in this world, I do not understand how I could have loved one person so much and them betray me in the worst of ways, I do not understand how I could have lost any more friends than I did last year but I did, I do not understand how I cannot force myself to be happy in the job I have because it simply isn't my old job. I do not understand how when I finally put myself out there again on the line for a chance at something more than a friendship I get shot down and find out there is another person (story of my life). I do not understand how my family can blame me for everything and make me the person responsible for the loss of a relationship with my beloved brother whom I've needed so badly lately. I do not understand how people say they try to encourage me when they tell me how horrible of a person I have been. I do not understand why all of this has happened at once and how I do not have the strength to overcome it anymore.

I was telling my friend that I just want to go away and start new somewhere where no one knows me, no one knows my story, and where I can start fresh. They said "you can't just run away from everything".... well why the hell not? And I wouldn't consider it running away, I would consider it starting new. Everything in this town has a way of finding a weak spot and having a little sting of pain. This town was my dream, was all I wanted, it had everything to offer my life: love, Aggies, cows and tractors, my job and all the people I hosted, a new house, friendships... everything.

All of this to say, a week ago today, I called one of my sisters and confessed to her my burning agony, my burning guilt, my burning frustrations that were burning my soul to ashes. I told her the way I have reacted to these struggles absolutely aggravate me and that I feel like a horrible daughter of the King because I have constantly sought out temporary fixes and shelter from the storm in my heart. And I have. I have ran away from the Lord so much lately because of my sheer frustration of not understanding why the things had happened the way they have. It still frustrates me. (as you can tell) But I told her that I needed help with accountbaliity to not stay 'strong' but to stay faithful to the fact that my God has it under control. My mind knows these things when I am struggling due to the fact I was raised in an amazing Christian home that taught me from the day I was born about our God's strength, power, and infinite love. It's just hard for my heart to understand that when I feel so darn yucky.

What I am trying to say is that I am still struggling with my purpose right now. I am praying constantly about what HE wants from me now that He has stripped me raw. I'm not saying the Lord maliciously did these things to me nor likes that my heart is so broken, I am saying my God has a reason in everything that happens in my life and there is something He wants me to know from all of this and a road he is making straight for me, I just have to follow Him to find it.

From this moment on:
So yes, those of you that love me, the past couple of months has been a broken reflection of what was going on in my heart. I may have disappointed you, but for goodness sake, understand how much I disappoint myself and that I know I disappoint all of you around me when I am broken so hearing it just stabs my heart that much more. All my life my family has struggled when I say that I don't want to hear how much they don't like who I am, not saying I do not want to hear their feelings, but that I already feel that and know how much I have hurt them, how much I have let them down and how much they don't like who I am... I know that by a simple look, much less hearing it from their mouth and it killing me more.

I am not who you may want me to be. I may not have chosen the things you wanted me to. I may not like the right things you want me to like. I may be a free spirit deviating from the family traditions. My faith may be a little different than yours formed in the pews of the church. But I am who I am. I am still and will always be a child of God. My faith is rooted out of the mistakes I have made and the raw-ness of all of the lessons learned. I still love my family, I still want my family to embrace me, I still love my Jesus and know that He holds me- even though sometimes I forget it, run from it, or don't understand it...


These struggles over this year will mold me and teach me things. I celebrate the days that go by without a tear shed. It's the small things in life!

So, on a positive tone, this holiday season, although it will come with its struggles, I want to make the best of it. I want to learn to find something to be thankful for each day so that I can hold on to it and thank my Jesus for the blessings I have NOW. I want to get through it and have a great foundation to build all the greatness of 2012 on. I am determined to not let the negative things of this year bring my future down because the future is what I have! The present moment is a gift and I want to use it to explore the way God wants me to go and experience the opportunities I can so that I can be on the right track.

No more asking why all that crap happened, I am only going to allow myself to think of those things and pray for peace within the circumstances. It's done with. All the crap of 2011 is over, there is not a thing you or I can do about them. I can't get my job back, I can't change Mr. Ely into the person I thought he was, I can't bring back friendships that walked away, I cannot undo the memories... It is all done.
So here's to looking forward and knowing GOD IS IN CONTROL, that He wouldn't have given me anything I couldn't handle, and that the feeling I felt when I was working my dream job, the love I felt before... all of that was just a taste of what the real thing He is sending my way one day.

So. There. I may be in a slump a little longer, I may have hard days come and go, but it won't define me anymore.
(or atleast I'd like to ask you to pray for me that it won't have that power over me anymore)

Remember it gets better

The burning end of a midnight cigarette....
The time when you know you are at the end of your rope....
The feeling you get when you're out of water and the waiter is no where to be found...
The time when your gas light comes on when you are on empty in your bank account...
The last drop in the bottle of your favorite wine....
The last page in the book that has entranced you heart and soul...
The time when you are late for work and you still look like your clothing came out of a thrift store...
The 'see ya later' to a friend moving 10 hours away....
The call that keeps ringing when you desperately have something to tell that person...
The unanswered and avoided question that took you months to ask...
The longing to travel like a millionaire on a minimum wage paycheck....
The conversation you can't have because the friendship is no longer existent...
The long road home when you just want to blink and see your family...
The stocked fridge of items you don't want to eat....

... The yucky feeling that knots in your core when these things happen... That's temporary.
The wine is replenished on your next trip to the store.
Your water gets filled by the waiter next to you.
Your call gets answered the next time you phone.
You get to travel when you least expect it.
You see your friend again when you need it most.
... These things exceed the negative knot you experience when in the model of needs that aren't met. It's just hard to remember that when the knot ties up in your heart and mind.

The real kind

I have been:
... Lied to
... Cheated on
... Disrespected
... A secret
... Belittled
... Embarrassed
... Disregarded
... Undermined
... Convenient
... Made a fool
... Tricked
... and Taken advantage of
all for the name of love.

But in these trials, I realize love in true form has nothing to do with anything I have gone through for the sake of it all. Love, does not do these actions, rather it does most exactly opposite of these things. And in the process of understanding these things, I have come to understand that I have cheated myself from many beauties in life. I have almost inadvertently done these things to myself by believing it was love that took me through those things.
So as I look at a promise etched in silver, i understand it is my choice to take the words "i love you" and understand their true meaning... And the only true origin is in the shadow of His wings. He may not be flesh and bone, nor is Jesus Christ my future other half... Yet, He should always be my All.
I drifted from this truth in my life wanting to believe that the true love He has promised me was what I had. I couldn't have been more distant from the truth, its almost humorous to think looking back.
All I know is that the love I believe in to be true is not the love I had to believe in to be true.... It already exists, it's there. I do not have to make excuses for it, I don't have to prove myself for it, I don't have to hide my feelings from it, I don't have to hope for it.... It's there.

And whenever it is that I will be blessed to share that love with someone who knows that kind of love, I will fully embrace it and know how much of a blessing it is because I have experienced the opposite and know its snarls. One day, I will still laugh at the thought that I believed it was okay to feel that way in "love" because someone one day will show me the opposite of all of that and let me experience love, the real kind.

What I now see in this gift from the not love, love :
"I love you, the Real kind" - God

And by the way, never assume that when you tell someone you love them, it means only love. For love itself encompasses so many actions, love is more of a plurality than a single action. So if you love someone, love them with all of the things that go into love, not just with the word love.

Maybe one day

Source: pete.com via Kadi on Pinterest

Gotta Swing the Bat

This will be one that my father will be proud of....



I distinctly remember being at the home plate of one of our lovely softball fields in good ole Athens Texas for my first t-ball softball league practice.... there was this stand with a ball on top. I remember being completely scared that I would embarrass my family and myself by swinging and missing that ball. I had failed so many times at home with my father at this very thing---- hitting the ball OFF of the tee. I remember the laughter that would ensue after I would give it my all and then open my eyes, only to see that annoying ball still sitting patiently almost dauntingly on it's stand. . .
So there I was, first practice... it was me, the ball, and the bat. So, in order to save myself from embarrassment, I slowly, with much concentration, swung my bat straight at that darn ball.... only to miss it.
Eventually I got it, as we all do. I had good coaches around me that taught me right. I practiced to prove myself.
Then, the next year, the ball was not standing still.... but it was moving AT ME! ! !

And I thought the tee was daunting! HA!
It was about then I knew I was not quite made for the game of softball.

I wasn't the 'pinch hitter' by any means, I had quite a few strike outs and then a few lucky hits... I wasn't a complete failure.

All of this to say, today I was thinking about how I wish someone would just throw me a strike so I could hit the ball out of the park and regain my confidence as well as the others around me. But the deal is, we all have to learn how to hit at curve balls as much as strikes.
Now I am no professional at any of this baseball lingo or even the game itself, but I am a professional at hit and misses in life, and admittedly a few amazing home runs.

We teach young kids how to hit the ball off of the tee not so that there will be professionals up to bat against a ball on a tee, but we teach them that so they know the feeling of the ball on the bat. My dad always use to say "feel the ball on the bat" before I even swung.... It was that feeling that gave me power to swing and get that ball away from me... And as the ball came towards me, he kept saying the same thing ... "feel the ball on the bat", even if I didn't feel it often when it was being thrown to me, I remembered the feeling of the contact with the ball on the bat that ran through my arms.

In life, we grow up knowing how to just get the feeling of success... if you are as blessed as I am, I had parents that set the ball on the tee in my life and let me feel the power in the bat, and then slowly helped me hit moving targets along the way... annnnd they helped me remember that you don't always get a homerun.


As I have gotten older, I have had my hit and misses, and I have had some great hits that set my team up for a win.... but I am learning that not every strikeout has to define me, nor does every homerun. Sometimes when all you want is a perfect pitch, you are given curve balls. But the reasons the pros are the pros, are because they have learned how to swing at either pitch and still be able to hit the ball.

I'm no professional in life yet, but I guess you could say I had to go back to the basics and just learn how to "feel the ball on the bat". I'm re-learning alot about myself and learning some new things about life and how it works, but after all, the pitches keep coming my way... it's my decision to swing at the ball or not.

After all, who has ever hit a homerun without swinging their bat?

Empty Walls, Empty Heart

Well I made it through one week of just turning my heart off, a whole week. No tears for my broken heart, no calling a friend to pick me up, no reaching out to someone to comfort me.... I guess I thought I was on the upward swing, that if I didn't feel it was a good sign.

Then the loneliness sank in. I may not be crying from the pain of a broken heart, but now I am crying from the pain of an empty heart and an empty house. I have this horrible curse of wanting a family, wanting people to take care of, to love on... and when you have the house but nothing else in the puzzle it makes a woman feel, well, it makes me feel a little empty and inadequate.

I think I am done with wishing the love I invested would return something. But the down side of that, I feel like I am jaded on any love from here on out. I want to love but the idea of love is tainted with pain, mistrust, and brokenness. And sadly, this feeling is not just when it comes to romantic love, it is blanketing all kinds of love in my life. Ashamed, I say that I have lost most all of my faith in about everything. It isn't suppose to be this way. I know it isn't.

My mom made a funny comment on a facebook post of mine when i said I just wanted someone to take care of me, she said "When you find that special person for you......you will a lifetime of days he will take care of you....". When I read it, I literally laughed, then started crying. I have lost faith in the fact that someone will ever be able to love me or really that I will be able to love someone like I loved before. I sound like that sad pathetic girl I never wanted to be. But I guess I never factored in that someone could shatter my heart over and over again so badly either. Growing up, I was the typical believer in love. I saw it work out all around me, my parents, grandparents, their friends... they all had those perfect love stories. So why wouldn't it be like that for me? So in life, I went in head first to every opportunity of love hoping it would be that perfect love that everyone around me found. . . but in my short 22 years of life, that is far from the case. I have always been the one to break the rules, to do it my own way, to be a little different from everyone in my family... so why did I not factor in that love would be the same way? Different for me. Harder for me.

So I sit here on my Sunday Clean up Day, and look at the empty walls of my house wondering if I will ever fill the space, ever have pictures to put up.... will it ever be a home to more than just me and Mr. Mason? Unfortunately the house is perfect, it has everything to offer and the perfect coziness to make it great for a home.... when will it stop making me feel lonely and make me feel okay again?

Running

I'm just running.
I love running--- physically. It is such a rewarding experience; to push yourself to go as hard as you can, to feel your body fight, to see the distance you travel, to feel the burn.....

But what about the emotional marathon?

The run that you have no clue where you are going, the familiar burn that comes in your heart instead of your muscles... The freedom of running but the pain of the unknown. Running.

I once had a close friend tell me that I'm just a horse pinned up with the gate open letting me' have the choice to run, but I stayed where it was safe and familiar: in the pen.
I feel like I found the wide open gate and haven't stopped sprinting away for a month or so. . .
But now, I am slowing down. I'm not knowing where i am. My body, my heart burns from the sprint into the unknown. I ache from the adventure and long for the comfort of knowing where i am.
But I keep running for fear of when I stop, I really will have no idea. Sure there has been beautiful scenery along the way, but it all flew by me because I'm running so fast.

Maybe it is my broken heart or broken spirit pushing me to keep running, maybe I'll find a new "pen" for my soul. I don't know, I just know I can't keep running like this for much longer. I mean, there has to be a fence or a wall somewhere!

A note I found....

I found this note today when I was going through my desk at work...

Love Me

.... In all you do

.... in all you are

... even in anger

... and in laughter

Love me.

Don't hurt me anymore with excuses and those perfectly arranged words...

Love me.

Love me with your whole being.

Love me with respect for me and our relationship.

Love me and stand up for me.

Love me without your pride.

Raw.

Un-edited. Un-rehearsed.

Love me.

Love all of me.

... my good and my bad.

... my happy, my sad.

...my tenderness and roughness

.... my family and my friends

... my body AND my soul.

Love me.

Don't we all plead to be loved like this...

... and even as we plead, Jesus stands there softly whispering

"I do, I always have, and I always will. Just love me"

I'm still a dreamer...

"The Redeemer"

by Sanctus Real

Sometimes I just want to start over, 'cause everything looks like a wreck
And I need the courage to carry on, 'cause I can't see what's ahead
And there are places I've wished I could be, battles I've wanted to win
Dreams that have slipped through my hands
I may never get back again

But I'm still a dreamer, a believer
Oh, I've lost my faith in so many things, but I still believe in You
'Cause You can make anything new

Sometimes I just wish we could say all the things that are easy to hear
Ignore the injustice we see and explain every unanswered prayer
But I'd rather speak honestly and wear a tattered heart on my sleeve
'Cause in the middle of my broken dreams, redemption is here

And I'm still a dreamer, a believer
Oh, I've lost my faith in so many things, but I still believe in You
'Cause You are the answer, the redeemer
Oh, I've given up on too many things, but I'm not giving up on You
'Cause You can make anything new

I don't have every answer in life
But I'm trusting You one day at a time
'Cause You can make a weak heart stay alive forever
this is where Heaven and Earth collide
I lift my hands and give my life
This is how my weary heart stays alive

Oh, I'm still a dreamer (This is where heaven and earth collide)
(I lift my hands and give my life)
Still a believer (This is how my weary heart stays alive)
Oh, You are the answer (Oh, this is where Heaven and Earth collide)
(I lift my voice and give my life)
The redeemer (This is how my weary heart stays alive, oh)

'Cause You can make anything new
Yeah, You can make anything new

Symptoms and side effects

I sit here and ask God why, like He did something wrong.
I sit here and cry. I sit here and wonder what my life will be like going on knowing I gave my heart to something that took it for granted then let it back in only to do it again with vengeance.
I am not weak.... But I am broken. I saw a quote today that gave me peace : a heartache just means love was there.
It is so true. My heart just aches, worse than before. It's no longer angry or bitter, but just in pain. . . Pain from love.

Yes. I smile. Yes I get through my days. Yes, I don't weep when someone asks me' how I am.... Because I am strong enough to understand I didn't deserve this, but it is the cards that were dealt to me when i trusted someone to love me back with all the passion that they could muster.

I sit and ask God why, not because I think He did this to me, or that it's His fault.... I ask him why someone can love another so much only to be brought to this place...

Tough love, right. Loving someone from a distance, watching them 'pay' for their actions..... It's harder than you may think. It may be the hardest kind of love to give. Why? Well what I am finding out is when you love the tough love way, all they can do is blame you... All they are is angry with you. It makes no sense because all I am doing is loving him enough to say 'enough'. Though I remember times in my life where people tough loved me and I resented them... It took a few years, quite a few scars, and plenty of tears to understand how great of a love tough love is.

So maybe I ask God why, maybe I cry over the pain I face while standing back... I guess I didn't think it would be so hard because I still was loving, but then his anger towards me came and the tough love set in to be the hardest thing I've ever done. So, this pain ... This heartache is just a symptom of love and a side effect of tough love. I can do this for I still will love no matter what, but this chapter of love is new territory.
I don't expect him to be thankful tomorrow, next week, or next year. I don't expect him ever to understand. But I trust my God to know my pain, to know my desires, and for him to see love as God loves one day in a way that shakes him to his core..... And that one day God will bring me the love I long for in a partner and to show me His love is enough and His love NEVER fails.

A prayer you can borrow:
"rising of the sun burn away my sorrow. Chase away the night, pull me' to tomorrow. Fill in every part of my heart that is hollow..."

Tough Love

Love is not weakness.

Forgiveness is strength.

Loving someone does not mean that you have the duty to let them treat you wrong, in love forgiveness is essential but that doesn't mean you just let someone that you love do what they'd like and leave you in the dirt half the time.

What I am trying to say is that I am learning what love is about. It's been a constant thing since I was about 13, but lessons lately have been very poignant lessons that hold more truth than any of the lessons I have learned before.

I know that love is probably the strongest force in the world, I also know that love is what drives my getting up and laying down. My love for what God has given me, the love for Him to get up and see what he has to offer that day.... and throughout the day the way I step are towards the things I love. One way or another, love is the force that drives me.

I believe in love to be the only thing I want to define me. On my stone (if I have a stone) I want it to ready Darby [Barksdale] July 11, 1989--- XXX "She Loved". That's it. And honestly, I feel that you may be able to say that about me now.... I may have not loved what you agreed with, I may have not loved in the way you want me to love, but I loved and I do love, every day.

With that being said, love has lead me to some really rough decisions, experiences, and heartaches. When I love someone it isn't just a love that I turn off.... and up until now, it was a love that would overcome and suppress any negativity involved in anything else. I loved someone, ergo, his hurtful ways and such were just issues I had to love harder, and forgive. But you see, my love was not big enough to change him. My love couldn't just keep forgiving him with the thought he would change, because he never knew any different. I wasn't helping that cause either. By sitting back and just letting him hurt me, and by forgiving him for every shard that went through my heart, he never knew the pain I was in and he never knew that change was the only way to mend all of it. . .

So. I have come to a conclusion today about love: I can love. I love good. I can forgive better than most. But I can not love something that won't take me and my love to heart and cherish it. I have to love in the way parents have to love sometimes: with showing consequences of actions. There are a few ways that parents do this, one is to walk your child through their actions, to talk it out, to hold their hand and work through the why's and why not's of the consequence.... or there is the tough love, the "you did this, you have to figure it out on your own" way. All my life I have chosen to lead people through the consequences of their hurting me in a way that I just wanted to love them through it.... but as most parents find out (I guess), you can't always love people through things. You have to trust the good Lord to lead, and love, and have mercy, and change people's ways.

So there. New chapter in Darby's infinite book of love.... Tough Love.

"I wish I could see through your eyes so I would know what you like to see. I wish I knew your wishes, so I could give you everything you want. I wish I dreamed the same dreams you do, and together we could make them come true. I wish I knew what makes you happy, so I could make you the happiest person in the whole world. And lastly, I wish I were a cell in your blood, so I would be sure I was somewhere in your heart."

"definition of forgiveness: the perfume of a flower leaves on the shoe that crushes it"
 

Maybe December

Maybe in December by Lost Immigrants

Maybe in December I’ll stop loving you

But for now I believe that what I feel is true

Maybe in the next life the love we shared will grow

I can’t seem to shake you, your mem’ry won’t let go

And tonight I’ll be searching for a way to lose my mind

I’ll leave it sitting here alone, drink it all behind

And I’ll take these dreams and promises and drown them with this wine

‘Cause tonight I’ll be searching for a way to lose my mind

Maybe I’ll forget you when your loving lips

Whisper “I love you” as you give him another kiss

Maybe these longing lines are heart strings pulled too tight

And maybe in December I can end this fight

Maybe it was written in the stars above

Before we ever thought we knew the only way to love

Maybe this spring will thaw your heart down to the end

But I hope and pray December will never come again.

I need you now more than ever Lord to wrap me up and lead me.
I need you now more than ever to whisper your Love to my heart.
I need you now more than ever to not be timid but bold in your guidance.
I need you Jesus now more than ever to be my Love and my All.

I love you with all I have to give Lord, take my life and make it wholly Yours.

Be clean in my wounds...

No matter how much it hurts, no matter how much I don’t like it… I had to.

 

I had to take my selfishness out of the equation and think of others when it came to my heart and theirs.  I chose to be apart from something that brought me joy in lieu of hurting someone else because the joy that I was brought also brought fears and doubts. 

 

Maybe I am being stupid, but I really don’t think I am.  I had to (for once) be smart about how I was handling my heart.  I was and am blessed to have the opportunity to get to know one of the most amazing men I have ever known in my life, to have God teach me things about myself through him, and to experience the things I did…

 

Who knows what will happen, but for now, I just know that I was at a point in my life I couldn’t let my heart blind me and hurt people in my life, or could I be just complacent with being with someone that I couldn’t be completely there for mind, body, and soul. 

 

Matters of the heart are never easy, especially when you know what you are doing is right for everyone involved but it still doesn’t feel comfortable. It’s like you know  you have to clean a wound, and the best way to do it is with alcohol or peroxide… both aren’t comfortable in any sense of the word… but both are worth it to be cleaned in your wounds. . .

Sometime things are just hard

I think there I have said the following phrase repetitively on this thing, but it's true:
Life has a funny way of being life. It's twists and turns are so unexpected the worlds fasted updating GPS could never keep up.

Lately I have been blessed beyond measures while being more stressed and confused than ever in my life. There is NO "easy button" in life, ever. There are days that give me the 'refresh' that gets me through the next few days without just a complete shut down, but there are others that push me so far to the edge i can't see my feet.

"and we will soar on wings like eagles" - His Promise

Well, I know His promises are true, but why does my life feel so extremely up and down so much? Why does my heart get torn as much as it does?

Sometimes I just feel like I want to be like everyone else in life and take the easy road.... to just be completely irresponsible, to be completely selfish and not really care about the other people in my life... but the easy road leads me no where.
So I suffer, I struggle, I cry, I celebrate my minor victories, I nurse my wounds. . . and I get up and move on.

But will it always be this hard? Will I always feel a struggle between the easy and the "worth it"? I don't know if there is an answer to that, but I do know that the day I get to see my Savior's face, He will let me know. I just fear that my stubbornness to keep pushing doesn't go against Him.

So: I am stubborn, I am independent, and 90% of the time I don't know the direction other than the way I am going so if you ask me... I will just say, "if you want to know where I am going you just have to watch where I go, because that's the only way I know where to go."

So, here goes another night of trying to breath enough to nurse my wounds and prepare for another day.

Worth it...

There are times and things in life that you get to look back on and be thankful for.... for the good and bad, the rough and ragged or the smooth and silky. In my life I have gone through the rough and ragged more often than not, but now that it's not so rough or ragged I'm looking back at things and understanding the beautiful lessons they have carved into my heart as well as the person I have become due to the tumbling around on the rocks in my path.

I wish I could say I know everything that I went through was all for good... I wish I could say all the tears I cried over the past year and a half were the tears that watered my soul and grew me.... but I can't say ALL of them were good, nourishing, cleansing tears. I cannot say that all I went through I can look back and be thankful for. I am thankful for most of it, but not all of it.

I see the things now that I went through and I feel stings of shame. I remember the feelings I had and the thoughts that went through my head and I just get angry. How could I have let myself get to that point to accept all of those thoughts, all of those actions, all of those feelings? How was I ever okay with someone talking to me like they did? How was I ever okay with letting someone make me feel like I deserved the tears I cried because I did something wrong? How could I do that to myself, but more importantly, how could I do that to my Jesus?

My Jesus loves me. My God created me as His MASTERPIECE. My Savior loves me and has an amazing plan for me that includes love that is true, that includes HOPE and all the Promises He tells me in His word.
With that being said, the looking back on my life is so very painful. Painful to know that I treated and allowed treatedment of God's creation, his MASTERPIECE like I did. I feel like during my past 2 relationships I just allowed God's creation that He loves so much to just be beaten down and spit on.
I mean think of you most prized possession. Or just something you hold dear.... for example: my Aggie ring. If someone was to come up, compliment my ring enough for me to let them be close to it, and then as soon as they got close, they didn't take care of it.... I would be so upset. I know that may not seem like much to some of you, but to me, it's my AGGIE RING.... something I take so much pride in, I worked for, I lived for, I sacrificed for. . . .
Now take that and multiply it by how much God loves us... and not only that, but He sacrificed his own LIFE for me and you... and imagine the pain He has when we don't realize the worth in ourselves, his prized possession. . . It literally pains my heart to think of it. I spent 2 years of my life disrespecting his love for me by disrespecting myself.
This is a hard thing to realize, and a harder thing to make known. I'm sure we can all look at our lives at one point or another and see where we have failed to love Him by loving ourselves. . . but the point is not to rub our nose in our own poop over and over again, but to learn not to poop there.
It took me being treated like a masterpiece to realize what I had been doing to myself and inadvertently to my Jesus. I am so blessed to now have the understanding of what and how I should be treated, and not just the understanding, but to experience it on a daily basis. My life, my love, my heart, and my inmost thoughts are all the things that Christ died for, that He sacrificed the biggest sacrifice for, and that He calls His masterpiece. So, all of those things should reflect my love, honor, and respect for Him. The way I allow myself to be treated, the way I think of myself, the things I do... all of it should reflect the fact that I understand my worth, I understand that the Creator of the Universe takes pride in me so the least I can do is think of myself as special.

What is love
What is love if not the perfection of my imperfections.
What is love if not selfless while wanting all the love someone else is willing to give.
What is love but the understanding of words unsaid and questions not voiced.
What is love but His one true example in the vacant cross.
What is love if not the unimaginable power and strength shown by Grace.

No wonder those yet to meet and know our Savior cannot express love the way it is meant to be and known to be by those who know Christ.

Jesus you know just how far the East is from the West..... One scarred hand to the other...

I love how He Speaks to my heart in the way I never knew I needed at the time I needed it most.

Watching the rain wash away my 'plan'

It's like watching the rain...

Its like when you see the rain you have a moment of "oh darn, it's raining outside. I have to stay in. I kinda feel blue now..." , BUT then you watch the rain land on the soil and you see the flower perk up. . .

The rain not only washes the dust away that you maybe didn't ever see on that beautiful bloom, but it waters the deepest roots of the flower to give it the nutrients to grow.

I've always known God's patience with me was something I could never imagine... that His love is so much stronger than my stubbornness to try to go another way or find His way in MY way...
He loved me every moment of my life, good and bad.
He died for me, the crazy rebellious me, and the woman He knew I would become...

With that being said, He could have just stopped there.... but my God is a loving, jealous God and He knows no limits to His Glory.

I don't even know where to start.... other than to say GOD IS SO GOOD.

His 'rain' in my life has nurtured my deepest roots and cleansed my surface. God has not only given me the gift of an amazing job that I love and all the goodness that comes with that, He has blessed me with opportunities like purchasing a house, and becoming a business professional in this amazing community..... In addition to giving me amazing Angels in my life that are true friends, women of the Lord, and amazing lights in my life. People that I never imagined existed, some that I knew all along and that have really become amazing sisters in Christ, and others who I just maybe had a passing glance of existence but God has put them smack dab in the middle of my road. . .

I have never felt such unrelenting JOY before. . . not just because I have this absolutely wonderful MAN in my life, but because everything that is important to me points me to my Savior in some way or another. ((( even the amazing MAN!! -- eik -- )))

Who knows what is in store, but all I know is I feel like the joy and blessings I have right now in my life could last me forever.

I never expected to be here. Not now atleast. I guess I had this timeline of trying to just get everything in order and clean out my life a bit to make it easier to function.... but you see God has a different way of doing things: HIS way!

When talking to my mother this weekend, I told her that all of this was not in my plan. She said, "Well what was your plan....?" ............. ............ ........ I responded, delayed, but still responded, "Well if I had a plan, this would NOT have been part of it!"

That pretty much sums it up.

No, I didn't really have a black and white plan, but I NEVER in my wildest dreams expected such joy, happiness, and so many blessings all at once after such a rough time in my life. I guess this has just been God's way of holding my hand and leading me to the things he had prepared for me all along, and the abundant blessings He had in mind for me since before I was born.

Interesting

Things in this life are very interesting.... ... sometimes you sit across from someone and just smile. . . it's so refreshing. Now if they wouldn't be a turd ;) You know maybe I deserved this all along, yea. But I would have never smiled so big or appreciated God's gift if I hadn't been without it all these years. Let the Good Times Roll! ! ! All we got is time

You never know what God is going to do when He has complete control, but one thing can be certain.... He will use whatever it is to show HIS goodness.

The first step in faith is realizing someone else has a better plan.... And the second is just letting that plan happen.

I am truly blessed. He has put everything in place in His perfect timing. My family, blood and otherwise.... They are blessings more rich than anything this earth can offer.
GOD IS SO GOOD

Lord,
Catch my tears in your hand and water my broken soul.
Give me peace. Give me understanding.
Show your love. Show your mercy. Show your grace.

Not worth the Truth

Ain't gonna be no more talking

These Words seem to be just wastin'

I'm just gonna keep on walkin 'til I see that mirror I'm suppose to be facin'.

The road that shapes me is painful and long.

But sometimes I can look in those eyes and know the eyes that are starin back at me are stong.

Strong, by the road that I've been walkin'

Strong, by the pain I've been enduring.

Those eyes look straight through to my heart and soul with all it's scaring.

But the road that I've been walking has made me strong.

The road I keep walking has valleys and it's streams.

But each breath I take seems clean.

It's a lonely road I walk at times.

Only wish I could see the end.

Each time I look up, I pray my heart to mend.

Strong, by the road I've been walkin'

Strong, by the pain I've been enduring.

Those eyes look straight through my heart and soul with all it's scaring.

But the road that I've been walking has made me STRONG.

What to do now?

You all say that I deserve better, you all say that this too shall past... the anger, the pain... you say to let go... it's just not that black and white. Maybe to you, looking on from the outside, but here in the middle of this storm, all colors are running together from the tears I cry and the wind that is my anger. I wish I could be as strong as you want me to be, to just be okay, to not want to run away anymore, but the painful truth is that I am not that strong. There are people and my God that are holding me up right now but there are times that I fight it because that means I'm weak....

I know I didn't deserve this, but it would be easier to know that I did so that I could make ME better....

This road I am on... it is ragged. It's already knocked the shoes off my feet, now it's blistering my skin. This road I am on seems to dead end signs all around it with no detour. This road I am on is the scariest place I have ever been.

Don't pity me.

Don't try to make me better.

Don't tell me my GPS screwed me up and lead me astray, and don't tell me there is someone out there that won't hurt me like this.... because at this point, there is no one that could handle my scars, my pain, and my hurt... nor would I ask anyone to do that.

Don't tell me it's going to be okay, just cry with me.

Don't avoid me for the truth you may hear me say.

Don't put him down, that doesn't help me... because I'm the one who loved him. I'm the one who has to look at my past and see the lies....

...enjoy...

So I have been encouraged to write again... to get back to it... to let my soul go and just write again. . .

To say that the past year was tough would be an understatement...
To say that I fell down a few times would just be thinking positive...

But, I'm still alive. 2011 greeted me in Paradise with my Mr. Ely and some friends. It was a great week that was more like a dream and escape than anything else. But all good things, especially vacations, come to an end.
I was welcomed back by 2011 with tough decisions welcomed with the excitement of new opportunities, hard conversations and plenty of tears, all combined with another feeling of loss. No my life is NOT a sob story, but it indeed is a bit difficult at the moment. I am blessed and have been blessed by some very unexpected surprises over the past few weeks....

The funny thing about life is that you can never, ever predict it... even when you think you know all of the variables are suppose to add up to one thing, usually... life has its own way of throwing in it's special little things to throw off the whole equation.

I never thought that I would experience the loss that I did in 2010. I felt like my whole world was dumped out and set on fire right in front of my eyes... but oh the beauty that can grow from ashes when given the right opportunity. I have learned, oh I have learned. I feel as though I know myself better than I ever had before, and honestly, I kinda like myself now. I have a strength in me that gives me the encouragement to face the things I am facing today. My faith has had moments of sheer confusion, and well, has lacked completely at times. My life is not all hunky dory now because I went through all of that, but my life is enriched by the things I learned from it all and will continue to learn from the years.

For now, I am facing the job of my dreams. Facing means more like it is right at my finger tips, I can almost taste the beauty of coffee every morning in an office.... but well, that is only in my dreams at the moment. I am not sure if that dream is going to happen. I desperately want it, but ya know, I want a lot in life. We shall see what happens, and whatever does, it will be for the best, it always is.

Friends, well I have a few. I love them all dearly... I love all of those that I have considered a friend over the past few years. Learning that things change and people come in and out of others lives is a difficult thing when you still love the people that walk away. . . Each person that has walked in and out of my life has not only taught me about life, but she has taught me about myself as well.

I think I could write and write til I fall asleep on this thing, but I feel as though I am mumbling... last night I wrote a friend of mine and told him who I thought I was... the sweet contradiction called my heart... Maybe one day I can share it with the world, but I am still learning about it... about life and the funny little things it throws around. . . Until then, I will most likely write in the fun spurts that I always have..... Enjoy....