Santa

When you get screwed over by someone in your life, mainly talking about when a man decides he wants to be a lying cheater, it tends to taint your view on men, or really love in general.
I was thinking about this tonight and trying to find a way to explain that I am not bitter towards men, nor do I think love is a lie.... So the best way for me to explain it is the following analogy:

Finding out you have been cheated on by someone you love dearly is heartbreaking, it takes the breath out of you, makes you second guess every step you ever made.... It doesn't make the love you have in your heart un-true, it simply makes the giver of that love you believe in to be true not so authentic.

Now, Santa is one of those awesome traditions that has been in the heart of
Children since the beginning of Western civilization... The excitement you have as a kid knowing Santa comes and brings amazing things every year, opening toys and random gifts you wanted since December 26 of the previous year with such overflowing joy...
All of it, so beautifully rehearsed by adults, so well played when asked cute questions of Santa's where abouts on Christmas eve, stories of where he lives and how he knows the things he does----
Then one day, the breath gets knocked out of your 7 year old body and someone let's it slip that your parents are Santa and Santa doesn't exist.
The moment of utter confusion...
The concern of how delusional you must have been to think there were actually reindeer on my roof every year, much more importantly how could You not have caught that reindeer cannot fly?!
The questioning---
The confusion--
The anger at the person who revealed it all making you feel such a fool---

.... But yet, the gifts Santa brought every year are still there for you to touch and feel.
And even better still, Christmas and the holiday tradition of giving gifts doesn't end when you find out Santa doesn't exist, it keeps going on.
Maybe Christmas morning isn't so exciting as it was back when you were innocent to the ways of the world, much like life is more exciting when you believe all people to be good, but maybe now it gives you a deeper appreciation for the gifts you receive because they aren't from a made up fat man, but they are from true living people.
And maybe your heart will never be the same after you've been cheated on, but it doesn't mean that love doesn't exist anymore.

I know that probably sounds like a crazy analogy, but it is what it is. Enjoy.

The Journey

Life.

Life takes us on an unexpected journey from day one.

But the real day one usually isn't until we reach the age to understand that this life isnt all fairy tales, happy endings, and good feelings.
Day one of the realization of this incredible journey usually coincides with a great moment that you realize you are not in control, and never really will be.
The good Lord above always has control, gives us glimpses of His mysterious plan, but never shows His full masterpiece until we are ready...
I am still waiting to see His finished artwork from the beauty of Heaven, and will until He calls me home.

The thing is though, this life is not what I expected of it. Not once when I was younger did I think I would ever go through the things I did, fail the times I have, nor experience great victories like I have. Yet, even though some of those things left bitter memories, they are all part of the great journey and the great masterpiece that is my life so that I can maybe look back and all in all not see the hurts, the failures, the tears; no, but so I could see the full picture of beauty, of my own 'fairy tale'.

I am no longer in search of my story book life.... I am on the journey to explore the story of my life written by my Creator.

I think when we find ourselves so caught up in trying to have the perfect life, the happily ever after, the successes of this world... We loose the focus and the joy out of it all.
I should know. I've been looking for all of that.... And I don't have any of that to show for myself.
I simply have the amazing journey I have been through to get to this point of understanding. I do have lots of tears I have shed, I do have lots of failures... But they do not define my journey, they bring it character, lessons, and encouragement to keep going.

So, remember... Life isn't a snap shot picture of one moment we dream of, it is a collage of all the moments we dreamt of (even the nightmares) that will make up something all in all beautiful.

Jeremiah 29:11

Yeah. I am THAT girl.

So I am the girl who wears boot cut jeans, not skinny jeans.

I wear worn out cowboy boots or even my nice ostrich boots, but they are all nicely placed underneath my boot cut jeans.

I am the girl who would laugh if you brought me a drink that was any other color than some version of amber or brown. . .

I am the girl who likes flowers, but in theory. I do not like the cliche red rose, or the cliche dozen red roses. Nope.

I am the girl who would rather ride around in a truck on dirty backroads than sit in a high class restaurant.

I am the girl who can hang with the boys, and who has the fun stories I tell the girls.

I am the girl who will cook, clean, and take care of anyone, but you try to take care of me... I'll probably bite you.

I am the girl who will turn down requests to hang out to just be at home because I can't really host you at your house, now can I?

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A long time ago I wrote this to a guy, a guy who (speaking freely) is the guy.... that one that will always be the 'what if' guy, the guy who knows me to the core without having to ask me any questions or have any dramatic relationship fights with... anyway, I wrote this to him when we were trying to figure out what was going on in our lives/hearts to explain to him how much of a contradiction I was (and am)... I want to get this out there, one more time, because it has been on my mind...

So one thing I can't cook to save my life: pot roast. The easiest thing to get right, I fail at.

I love puppies and babies, but I hate pink. I love flowers but I think that carnations are absolutely disgusting and red roses make me gag. I suck at cleaning regularly, but cannot stand a dirty house. I am horrible with money but I would spend my last dime on taking people to dinner or cooking for them. I hate it when people treat me like a child but I desperately want to be babied when I feel insecure and upset.

I can write a beautiful blog, or a note to someone but when it comes to speaking to someone else about what I am feeling, I look at them and it scares me to say anything....but oh, I can write.

I want to travel but I hate not seeing people I love.

I hate commercials but cannot stand people who flick through the channels.

I call myself a fighter, but in reality, people tend to run all over me because it's easier to make them happy than anything.

If I had it my way, i would already have a family because I want children so badly... but half the time I can't take care of myself.

I want to be rich, but not for wealth, but so I can repay my parents and just have a BBQ every weekend with my friends that I don't really have.

My faith has kept me alive, but sometimes religion leaves a bad taste in my mouth.