I can't erase the memories, but pictures... different story

So today I was confronted by two different people as to why I still had pictures of Daniel and I on my facebook. To me, I just thought it was so harsh to have to delete something that was part of my life for over a year... if you know me, I have a special place in my heart for photos, and I rarely can disgard even the worse picture. But I knew at some point I probably would have to face it. I mean, let's be honest, Daniel already has, he "untagged" himself from ever single picture with me the week after he "de-friended" me. So, why has it taken me 6 months?
I have no answer other than, it was hard. I didn't think it needed to be done. I felt he was harsh and rash when he "de-friended" me and all the other things he did therefore I did not want to be like that, and deleting photos of us was being harsh. I cannot erase those memories even if I delete them off of my facebook, I cannot, nor can he, delete the fact that we were involved in a relationship that lasted for over a year. So that's why I didn't.
I saw it as me trying to deny the fact that we were in a relationship, until today. I did it.
I deleted the pictures of us.
I have been over him and movin on for the past couple of months.... and now... I really am.
I am proud of myself.
I am stronger, braver, better than I was when I was with Daniel and I am so happy.
Although I can never erase the memories I have of us, some good, some not so good, I can erase him from the "important" part of me. I don't want to be harsh or rash or sound like an angry ex-girlfriend, but Daniel doesn't deserve for me to think well of him, he doesn't deserve for me to waste a second's thought on this, but I do. Maybe because I am better than that, honestly, I feel as though I am better than he is. He can't even look me in the eye, much less think well of me. Or maybe he does and is afraid to show it because he knows what he is missing in his life, not me as his girlfriend, but me, Darby Barksdale a strong woman in Christ, as his friend.

I am happy of what I did today. Happy that I realized that they are "just pictures" and that that part of my life is done. And you know what, it is okay! Because I have a God that has promised me many things in life, who loves me infinitely more than Daniel ever fakely did, who will provide for me someone (( hopefully )) that is perfect for the woman God is making me into. I am thankful for the heartache and the guard I have now due to the pain from then. I have a joy and peace in my heart that supercedes any tear I may cry over the memories that still cross my mind. I have friends that are struggling in the "single" life just as I am, I have friends that have been in my shoes before, and again, I have a Jesus who loves me. :)

Just getting some things off my chest

First of all... SNOW IN COLLEGE STATION ,TEXAS!!!!!!!! Wow, and not just a little, but like A LOT! What a great way to end a semester.

What a great day. I wish I could have shared it with more friends, but the people I was with were great. I just hate that some of my friends went home or just "had better people" to hang out with. Sometimes I feel like I try to hard with the new friends that I am making and that I am just dreaming that I have more friends. Part of me believes that this is just the devil telling me things, then I look at my life, and it seems more true than false. I juts love people, I can't help that. I can't help that I want to create relationships with people and i make things "awkward".
What's so wrong with wanting to be friends? And why is it that I am just not great at it? Or is everyone just "half hearted friends" and I am the only one with a messed up sense of friendship?

Really. What's wrong with me? What have I done?


And why do I feel this way?
Am I trying to hard?
Sometimes I just wish I could live a life alone and be okay with it. To not desperately desire community with people and fellowship on a deeper level than Sunday morning. I don't understand. After all the crap I went through and learned from this summer, I still can hardly hear the word Pine Cove without sadness coming over me, friendships I missed out on, memories I don't have. I still don't understand it, but I accept it. I accept the things I cannot change and am learning from them, growing from them... but I sometimes still hurt from them.

And who am I to the people in my life? Sometimes I feel like that annoying person that won't leave people alone. Or that girl who thinks you are better friends than you really are. So who am I to you people?! And why do I feel like I am the only one who thinks it means something to follow through? Was I the only one that was raised to think that it is rude or somewhat disrespectful to be flaky? I mean I understand that people aren't perfect and sometimes things happen, but I honestly cannot tell you the last person I knew I could count on. That sucks. I don't want to be like that. But I guess that's why I'm so different.
But I guess this just proves that people are people and truly the only one who will ever be completely faithful, true, and worthy of me caring so much is my Savior. He is the only that really matters, I guess I just need to keep that in mind. Sometimes my eyes drift from Him and this is what happens.... so, It is well with my Soul Lord, You are enough.

"Take this world from me. I do'nt need it anymore.
I am finally free.
My Heart is Spoken for.
oh, and I praise you.
Oh, and I worship you.

Covered by your love Divine,
child of the Risen Lord.
To hear You say "This one's mine"
My Heart is spoken for.

Now I have a peace.
I've never known before.
I find myself complete
My heart is spoken for.

Oh, and I praise you
Oh, and I worship you.

Covered by your love Divine.
Child of the Risen Lord.
To hear You say "This one's mine"
My heart is spoken for

By the power fo the cross,
you've taken what was lost
and made it fully yours.
And I have been redeemed
by you have spoke for me.
Now i am spoken for.

Covered by your love Divine.
Child of the Risen Lord.
To hear You say "This one's mine"
My heart is spoken for" -Spoken For, Mercy Me

Update. Now, Friends. Family.

It has been a while.
First let me start of by saying that I am going to be writing more about my last entry on my other blog (challengofephesians320.blogspot.com). Please read that as well, that blog will be more of a challenge directed blog whereas this one is more personal.
Secondly, wow. God is so good. He has His hand on my life and I am enjoying it with urgent anticipation of my next steps.

Now, whew.
I have found out a few things about myself over the past few weeks. Some disturbing, some enlightening, some just plain frustrating. It is hard to see how your past really does effect your future/present life and how no matter how you look at it, every action has a consequence. I have found out that I was so different than who I am now and those people who were in my life before are different than people I am wanting to surround myself with now. That is hard thing to deal with in life, not moving on, but realizing that as you grow more and more into someone different, someone rooted in Christ, then you might have to make changes.
I was burdened by a past that I could not change, actions or words that I could not take back towards a specific person. This person was there through some really rough years in my life, there and a part of most all of my high school years, and a person that didn't deserve to be hurt as he was by me. After being hurt by someone, I realized that even through changing and moving on in my life, I still had an effect on someone else's life. I couldn't ignore that. So, after many weeks of being too scared to pick up a phone, I finally called him. We talked. I don't think he understood why I felt like I had to apologize for hurting him the way I did, for letting him believe he was getting to know Darby, that he fell in love with someone who didn't even know who she was. But, oh the relief.
Our lives are ever changing, each day we interact with people is a day that we get a chance to impact someone deeply. It's our choice to impact them on a positive basis or not, it's our choice to actully walk in Christ's footsteps and love people, or to be comfortable. I seek to be as uncomfortable as possible in life because I want to love people. I want them to question. I want them to not understand why I care about them. I want to point to my Jesus and say, "Because He first loved me, and I am obligated and priveliged to love you." What an abundant life?!
An abundant life that the devil does NOT like at all. A life that gets attacked in any way possible, a life that is hard. It will be and is worth it, but wow. In some ways, I get so discouraged and lonely.
I hate being a girl sometimes. There are some nights where I play Buble and just dream. One day God is going to give me that guy. That amazing guy. That one guy that is just for me. I am excited about that guy, I mean REALLY excited. But the "problem" is, that guy... well... as far as I know, is not here. Which is completely fine in so many ways, I am glad that God hasn't plopped him in my lap just yet because He knows that I need Him and only Him. But this is the part of being a girl that I despise, even though I know that with all of my heart and mind.... I still get lonely. I still want to be pursued, loved, protected, flirted with, taken care of, made fun of, trusted, someone's somebody. It will come eventually.

Friends.
Wow.
Friends.
I want to gather my thoughts a bit before I talk more about this. I am very blessed with some new friendships, very blessed.

Family.
can I just say, that mine may not be the closest, the best, the most put together, the most presentable... but they are the best family I got and I am so thankful for that. Dawson and I are growing up, Mom and Dad are respecting that. It is all new for us. I think it is great. We are growing closer in a different way, and I am realizing how blessed I have been all along.
This Thanksgiving, it was just us. Me, mom, dad, and Dawson. Mom let me cook most of the meal, which was so amazing. I have always dreamt of cooking a holiday dinner for family, and she let me. She taught me things, she walked me through it, but most of all, she trusted me. I was so happy. I had so much to be Thankful for this year, more than ever, and then, I was blessed to be able to cook for my family.
I couldn't ask for better people to depend on being there in life. A father that, although he is goofy and quite embarassing sometimes, loves me and my brother unconditionally and with a love that is genuine and from above. A father that can talk to a wall, but truely speak to my soul when in need. A dad who loves his daughter and can't stand to see her hurt. A dad who is so proud of his son. A father who showed my brother and I the best way to live simply by living. A father who is a loving husband to a mother that is querky and cute, but always strong. A mom who always wants to cook something sweet when we come home because she knows how much we love it. A mom that always was in charge of making goodie bags to make us feel loved. A mother who gives the best hugs ever. A mother who prays for her children more than we know and faithfully depends on Him taking care of her precious gifts. A mom who knows her daughter better than her daughter wants her to. A brother who is a typical young man, but not a typical man. A brother who i would not trade for the world. A brother who is one of the wisest men i know, and who speaks truth. A brother who makes me angry and laugh harder than most people I know. A brother who takes care of his little sister when she needs him, and even when she doesn't think she needs him. . . . A family that I am so thankful for. A family that is mine. These are the years that I get them to myself. Time that I don't want to slip away from me because it won't ever be just us again.
I had lots to be thankful for this year.

Potential...

"Have you ever longed for a deep conversation that was stimulating and challenging that leads you somewhere?"

Today and over the past couple of days God has been stirring in my heart about our purpose as Christians and the idea of "God-given POTENTIAL"... I sent out that text today to a few of my friends to see what they said about it. It was really random and out of the blue to them, but they simply proved the reason why I am getting frustrated. I am reading a book called "Do Hard Things" by the Harris brothers. The first chapter is about the potential that we as young people have inside of us that is just untapped, and that it hasn't always been this way. Also in my time in the Word I have ran across the word challenge and transform and ability....
If you read my last post you can see where this is coming from... If you didn't, I will recap:
At breakaway Tuesday night I was struck with the idea that if every single person that was singing the words about living a life of selfless faith and being the generation that seeks him and that brings change.. if we all actually lived that... what a difference we would make in the Kingdom. Part of it comes down to the fact that it is uncomfortable to do things that are not in the "norm" of society today.
Before I start on this, I want you to hear what others said in response to that question ((keep in mind that these are my brothers and sisters in Christ))

"Doesn't everyone want that..." I asked well, why don't we do it then? " It's sharing too much of ourselves, most people don't care to share that much about themselves with just anyone and some people dont' care to know that much about people."

"In general, I think it's because today's society has conformed us into believing that everything needs to be short and sweet... It is something that should be changed but starts with us, the Children of God. We have to step it up."

"I think a lot of believers haven't exercised their faith and knowledge they just store it up."

"Because it is a challenge and now-a-days people don't like a challenge.... they like easy. It's sad but true."

"Because we are so caught up in the world and we want to be socially accepted and society doesn't deem having conversations like that as cool or important."

Wow.
So here we are as Children of the King desiring a simple thing like to have a deep conversation with someone and take it as a challenge due to the world we live in. Now aren't we as believers suppose to not be part of the world, but to" let God transform you into a new person my changing the way you think." (Romans 12:2)
Why is such a simple thing hard for us when we are being called to do such greater things and not only that, but we have the POWER inside of us by the Holy Spirit. I mean the word "potential" is bugging me. Why is it still potential if we know about it? Why aren't we using it to do great things for His Kingdom, and not only that, but we will be so much more satisfied with our lives because we are actually following His will for our lives and blessing His Kingdom. What would it look like if we all, young and old, realized that potential in our life and dramatically changed the way we lived in this world. We are here on Earth, we cannot change that. We cannot change that people are becoming less and less genuinely concerned about people, but we, as His people, can become more compassionate, loving, and genuine. I am speaking to myself here as well. He has put passions in each one of us to do something, He didn't put it there for you to say "oh I wish...", He put it there for you to have faith that it will happen with His power and within His will.


So we have this power to bless His Kingdom, and most all of us desperately desire to do that... so, what are we waiting for? It is not going to be easy, it will be challenging, but our faith will grow, our King will be blessed and glorified. Who wants to live an easy life anyway? I mean, let's just think about that... when you are called home, do you want your family to say "He/She was a great Christian. She loved the Lord when it was easy, went on Mission trips to the city, her life was an easy life that she praised the Lord for." I mean, it might sound fine, but wouldn't you rather leave a legacy, wouldn't it be great if your group of friends left a legacy when you left the place you are in now... for those around you to say, "He/She was a warrior, his/her faith was really strong and kinda weirded me out sometime because she/he would be so passionate about being challenged to do something for the Lord."
What would it look like to be different from the societal "norm"? Even just a little bit different.

Here is some scripture that I have been looking at:
For I can do EVERYTHING with the help of Christ who gives me the strength I need. - Phil. 4:13
2 Corinthians 6: 3-13
2 Corinthians 13:3-4
I DEPEND on Christ's mighty POWER that works within me. - Colossians 1:29
1 Thess. 1:4 -7
1 Thess. 3: 12-13
Ephesians 6:10-18

There are a lot more.
Here's the deal now, I need you, yes YOU, to respond to this and give me some feedback. Feel free to forward it on to whoever you'd like.
This is a challenge not only to myself, but to all believers.
Let's do something for Him and to Him because we all know that our lives are from Him and Him alone.

A call to DO

So tonight a few things hit me that I’d like to share:

1. We as a generation today claim to be on the “brink” of a revolution… We have songs that sing about how we are the generation that seeks, the generation that is feeling something great… All good things.. but honestly, all I see are people singing those things and not really living it. I fall into this as well, so this is not “judgment” on my fellow brothers and sister. I just don’t understand what we are waiting for, why are we just praying about change and a revolutionary different Christian.. .why aren’t we DOING it!? It doesn’t take much, it won’t take much. . . to sell out to Jesus in all we do and actually love like He loved… that’s all. That right there would change the face of Christianity completely, us just LOVING others. I am reading a book right now called “Do Hard Things” and it is just reiterating this idea that has been burning in my heart… We want to be the generation that does great things for His kingdom, but we aren’t DOING we are just WANTING and there is nothing holding us back other than ourselves.

Like Tonight, at Breakaway, there are atleast a thousand people that go to Breakaway here on campus at A&M and what is there to show for it? When we all gather together and sing about wanting to love like Him and make His name and glory known…. Hundreds of people singing… then we leave and go back to just being us and serving in our own organizations and going to church on Sunday just to sing the same songs again… Am I the only one that has that burning inside of me to really make His kingdom known by RADICALLY doing something for the Lord that reaches my fellow classmates and Americans… a radical movement that is centered around AUTHENTIC love and care for others around me.

Let’s do something, let’s make His name known… not just to the other people that go to Breakaway with us or to church , or that are in our organization… but make HIS NAME KNOWN to the NATIONs… How? To love like Christ, to give it all and not look back, to have a SELFLESS faith… let’s do it… are ya with me?

2. I am so blessed. I am blessed for no reason. There is not one thing I can tell you that would give me a reason to be blessed. I am all that is human and all that is broken in this world, but the Creator of the Universe thought that I was worth it to DIE for so that I may be forgiven and have ETERNITY with HIM… WOW!!!! This joy that I am experiencing in life is simply from above, from my Savior, my sweet sweet Jesus who loves me… who gives me the gift of knowning Him in an intimate way so that I may shine for Him. I mean, that’s the only reason I am here … my only goal. I don’t live that all the time, I sometimes forget that my plans my ideas of how things are “suppose” to be are junk compared to His plan. I am so excited about what He has for my life, what He is going to do with me… with my life. I just pray that I am continually walking with Him because then, and only then, will my life be as abundant as He had planned…

I love being able to look back just 6 months or 9 months and see where He has lead me. 6 months ago I never would have been able to tell you what He was doing in my life and would not have been able to look you in the eye and say that I was at peace with Him. Nine months ago I was living in a world that I wanted, that I thought was best, and that “fit” the ideal that I wanted… nothing close to what He wanted or had for me. I cheated myself out of that because I held onto myself instead of dying to it and living for Him. I would have told you that I wished I knew what it felt like to be involved and have a group of friends that encouraged me in the Word and loved like Christ… but I hid from that and did everything I could to avoid that because that meant I had to confess to myself that all I had to do was to let go…. But the coolest thing about Father God is that He will let us do stupid stuff… kinda like Jonah… he let Jonah go the other way… but then destroyed his ship, put him in the belly of a giant fish, then made sure he went where he was suppose to go… I feel like God did the same thing with me… ((without the giant fish/boat wreck thing…)) I knew where and what I was suppose to be doing a year ago, but ran fast in the opposite direction, until God so lovingly wrecked my life and the plans I had for me and took me into His will and carried me to the place I should have been all along. And just like Jonah, I am rejoicing in the Lord and now will follow Him where ever He leads.

Also, I think it is so beautiful that I am praising the Lord for the trials and the wreck that I was in… if it were not for those heartbreaks, those times where I had to look up to see rock bottom, those times where I was so lost and had no idea what was going on, those times where I physically hurt due to my heart, those times where I was angry at my circumstances… I am so GLAD for those times… why? Just look at me… I would not be there if it were not for those thing… I wouldn’t know the tender healing touch of my Savior the way I do, I would not LONG for His presence daily in my life… I would not genuinely YEARN for His guidance and direction as I do this day. . . Praise His Holy name, for He knows what is best, He loves me, and He knew what He was doin all along, and despite my anger and doubt, He was faithful and always will be faithful to lead me to Him.

WOW!!!

3. The last thing is that I am so glad that I have found friends that love love love the Lord and aren’t afraid of it… and also aren’t too good for school. Fellowship with believers is huge, friendship and relationships are what His love and His will is about in a way… I mean, Jesus didn’t do it alone, he had the 12 with him to share things to and to show what camaraderie was about. God has blessed me with some new friendships that I pray He will grow and be faithful to provide accountability and Christ like bonds.

Sufficient.... that's huge!!

So wow!
Can I just reiterate the fact that our God is SO GOOD! He is faithful to provide for His children, to be there, to love on us better than we could imagine, and He is SUFFICIENT! My soul has overflowed with the joy that alone has brought me. You have no idea! I mean there are moments where I find myself forgetting how true those statments are and that I am not alone... the Deceiver knows the ways to break me down... knows the lies to whisper to my head... and it gets annoying!! There are days where I listen, and days that I laugh in his face... but all in all... it is so good to know that He is there, the Lord is faithful and that He has something great in store for me in His will! :)
Everything rides on faith and hope in Him. I find that I am so blessed and thankful for my circumstance because He has become my love, my desire, my life... and it is so beautiful! I am so thankful to know Him in the intimate ways that I do today, and I am so thankful to know how good it is to be under His wings.
God is showing me new things every day. New reasons to praise Him, new things to seek guidence in, new things to get excited about and pray about... His life is a good life. It may not be the easiest, but it is so good. It would be so easy for me to go out, find a boyfriend and find that satisfaction from a guy and his attention, it would be easy to be upset about not having a boyfriend and think that I am all alone and that life sucks because I don't have a boyfriend... but you see... all of that is not true. Life is good, boy or no boy... and God is sufficient PERIOD! I may sit at home and watch movies alone, or want to dress up... but all in it's own time. He has a plan. He has someone out there fore me, and whoever that is I hope that He knows the satisfaction of Him alone... and if not, I really would rather not meet him until he gets to that point... for real.

((God is showing me something and working on me in my life in that area... it's kinda cool. ))

I just want to also add that I am so blessed to have a friend like I do. I have a friend that loves me but not just in the way that friends care about each other, but the way a sister in Christ cares about her other sister. She realizes what life is and isnt' about and it is such a breath of fresh air to sit and talk with her. I think and pray that I have found a lasting friendship that is based on our common ground, Christ. ... :)

I hope your day is great, and that God will show you something great and new about Himself today. Pray for me that He will continue to guide me in the direction of His will and that I will surrender myself to His plan completely. Pray that He will open doors for me and that I will have the knowlege and wisdom to go through them. And pray also that in EVERYTHING I do I glorify Him.

Thank you! :)

Who knows....

Mandisa
God Speaking lyrics

Have you ever heard a love song that
Set your spirit free
Have you ever watched a sunrise and
Felt you could not breathe
What if it's Him
What if it's God speaking

Have you ever cried a tear that
You could not explain
Have you ever met a stranger
Who already knew your name
What if it's Him
What if it's God speaking

Who knows how He'll get a hold of us
Get our attention to prove He is enough
He'll do and He'll use
Whatever He wants to
To tell us "I love you"

Have you ever lost a loved one
Who you thought should still be here
Do you know what it feels like
To be tangled up in fear
What if He's somehow involved
What if He's speaking through it all

Who knows how He'll get a hold of us
Get our attention to prove He is enough
He'll do and He'll use
Whatever He wants to
To tell us "I love you"

His ways are higher
His ways are better
Though sometimes strange
What could be stranger
Than God in a manger

Who knows how He'll get a hold of us
Get our attention to prove He is enough
Who knows how He'll get a hold of you
Get your attention to prove He is enough
He'll do and He'll use
Whatever He wants to
To tell us "I love you"

God is speaking
"I love you"

Forgiveness

So I felt the need to seek forgiveness from Daniel. I was so bitter towards him and I am ashamed of that. He is a brother in Christ, my brother, a child of the King, just as I.... and I couldn't stand it. I do not want to live that way. I asked for forgiveness. I am praying that he will forgive me.
Life is not always about if we deserve things or not.
God shows you things that you never thought you'd see in your life about yourself through circumstances and lessons that only He knows the true purpose behind.
We should aim at being Christ-like in every step of our lives... that means even when it doesn't make sense, even when it goes against everything you thing is "just", and even you do not want to.
If I just can do that, I know I will be striving for something so much more, and maybe just maybe, someone will see that and ask me about it. I long to share how Christ has moved me and still is and am praying for opportunities to do so.
Love you

Oh November, how I love thee

I absolutely love the month of November... why? No clue. It is the essence of fall, the symbol of changing seasons, and well it's just plain BEAUTIFUL!
I haven't written anything in a while, not because I haven't had anything to write, but that I wanted to deal with things with the Lord, and try to get things straight. I have learned a lot about how He heals a heart and turns life around to show His greatness and glory! Lately I have been so obsessed with His beauty surrounding me everything else doesn't matter. All the things in my life that I wish i could change, that aren't just "perfect" or that others can't shut up about... well I am not really noticing them because I can't get my head around how AWESOME God really is and His beauty that He shows me every morning and how much I DO NOT deserve to see any of it! ((but am very greatful that I get to !)) It seems like as soon as I get frustrated about something, or start thinking about possible negatives in my life, I realize how good things really are. God has lead me to this place in my life where He is loving on me and I am loving Him, where I am being taught by Him in ways that are so majestic and mysterious, this place that I just want to know more, a place where I am so incredibly excited about HIS plan for my life that I seem to not even have one... This place of beauty and joy. Not "happiness", but JOY. Joy is so much deeper than happiness, it bubbles up inside of you and burst out in the form of happiness, or just in the form of contentness in a storm. Joy overcomes the every day bumps that just happiness alone cannot get you, it comes from the peace and clarity of knowing that my God, my Jesus is in control and has a plan for my life, and also that He (the king of the universe) LOVES me!!!!!!!!!!!!!
__________ ---------------- ______________ ---------------------
Also something interesting:
He is showing me reasons for the pain that I have felt over the past 4 months.... He is giving me an opportuinty to glorify Him and witness to someone that is going through heartache and heart break. I hate that for this person, but also am so thankful that I can look her in the eyes and say " I understand". My heart breaks all over again for her as I remember the tears and the physical sick feeling of a broken heart.... but I have joy in that because look at where I am now! Look at just what He is doing in my life, look at how He is healing me, i mean just look at this past month! ! ! By no means am I "over it", but boy howdy I am getting there. I don't cry anymore!! (( yes! I said it!! )) The last time I cried over it was 3 weekends ago when I faced the fear of losing my job due to the status of Daniel and I being on "who is that person?" terms.... I cried because I was tired of crying over him, tired of hurting, and ready to be done with it. ! ( YAY ) I am done with it! I have forgiven Daniel and given it to the Lord. I am no longer angry at him nor do I wish evil things on him. (I promise!)
For real, I think I am going great. I have some really awesome friends that make me smile a whole lot, I have a God who is good to me and provides, I have a family that I love and that makes me laugh alot, and above all of that, I am here, breathing, and having the opportunity to do something great for Jesus...
I am ready for whatever life throws at me during this beautiful month. I am hoping that it will be great because i Love this month! and because I am hoping to be on track with where God wants me to be.
November will bring lots of change in my life, and i am not just talking about the leaves on the trees here in college station, I am talking about change. I just really believe that, am praying for that, and am asking you to do the same. Pray that He will continue to rock my world and that I will be obediant to what He wants from me, to not seek things because it is cool or my flesh desires it, but to seek His will and only His will.
I know this was kinda crazy and everywhere, but it's late, and I have been restless (in a good way) for like 3 days... this joy in my soul is spewing! ! !

I never thought

I never thought I would WANT to forgive him. But today when I woke up, I felt so burdened and his name was on my heart.
My father taught me something all of my life, it got annoying when I was a kid, but now... it's something that helps day in and day out... "Kill them with kindness" .... So given the circumstance, I can't just be nice, but I can stop being mean about him. I can kill the mean/evil thoughts in my mind towards him with kindness.... I can start thinking of him as a brother in Christ instead of the person who broke my heart and then some.
He doesn't deserve for me to forgive him...but nor do I deserve for christ to forgive me the way he does. It is no different, and as a child of the King, so should my actions.

pray for me, for this is in NO way easy, it is completely against what my flesh wants to do.... ugh

this mystery we call life

Wow, so this life.... the journey... the adventure... the craziness of it all is something of true mysterious beauty.
This weekend I was hit by the excitement of my future. There is absolutely nothing out of my range of possibilities! WOW! That is exciting. Who knows where He is going to take me in my life! I know that it is going to be great, that it is going to stretch me, and that it is going to grow me... all while giving me the most amazing gift of just life. Life is something that I have taken for granted in the past, something that I did not understand the greatness of it. We only have one opportunity to be all that we are made to be, to leave a legacy for Christ, to give it all to gain eternity.... One chance to say "alright God, make this good. I trust you. You do this. I want it to be beautiful, like the beauty you and only you can create. I can't see the future, I don't know myself like you do, I don't know what I want... so You just TAKE ME!"
So in the midst of the craziness of this thing called my life, I find peace and an uncontrollable joy that I have NO CLUE where my life is going other than in the way He intends! :) I know right now it is easy to say and one day it will be tougher than today... but for now I will find my joy in knowing He is now in control completely. Hopefully that joy will push me through those tough days.






And on another subject....
My anger towards Daniel is subsiding and this funny feeling of "haha" is coming over me. I am blessed that he showed me who he really was, I am fortunate that he broke my heart like he did because now... I want no part of that in my life, and I really could care less about all the dreams "we" had. He missed out on me... too bad for him. He made this girl tougher, stronger, and less likely to EVER want someone like him in my life. :) It's awesome. And now that I am moving on, getting over him... I am happier than ever.
I would love to get the opportunity to speak to him one last time. Or wait, I would love to just live the most awesome life ever and go back to him and say "thanks butt"! :)






I am proud of the way I have dealt the cards I have been handed the last 4 months. It has made me so much stronger. I found out the people who really mattered in life were those that really won't ever leave you. I have found out that friends are important, they are the things that give you that extra "umph" when you need it, but Christ is the ONLY one who can satisify. He is all I need. I have discovered that opportunities come and go, its just up to you to jump on it and ride because if you don't, they arent' gonna stop for you. I have learned that I am strong, I am beautiful, I am unique and the only one that can do what He made ME for. I found out that you can cry about something someone did but not be crying for them, and that tears are not admitting defeat, but watering the seed that will grow into the new you. I figured out that laughter is truely a medicine for the soul and that girl nights are a NECESSITY TO LIFE! I have discovered that pictures aren't always permanent and memories last longer, even when you don't want to remember them anymore.
But above all, I have realized how lucky I am to be me. How blessed I am, even when all has fallen apart. And that God is good to His children.
Amen

These are not tears of Defeat

So I just don't understand.
I need to just get away from everything and let myself be still with the Lord. I am incredibly frustrated by situations in my life that are out of my control. I want to fix them, i want to make things better. For one situation I feel helpless, like I've done all I can. The other, I have no idea. I know it is completely out of my hands but why does it still anger me so? Why do i still cry? Why am I still confused? Why do i now regret things? I never ever wanted to regret anything in life, and now, I regret the thing that I thought was the best thing that the Lord had ever put in my life. I regret letting someone in, giving them everything and trusting they wouldn't do what they've done. And on top of that, now, the situation is a nightmare. I never wanted it to be like this, if we had to be apart, why did it have to end in me boiling with anger at the thought of him? I am thankful that I got to see truth in all the lies, but not happy about being so angry and bitter towards another human... towards a brother in Christ. This is not how it is suppose to be!! At All!!!

And God has really burdened me with the thought that maybe I was like this at one point in my life towards someone else. . . and it just kills me. I would NEVER EVER wish this sort of pain, confusion, anger, and disappointment on ANYONE.... and to think that I might have CAUSED it for someone else. Oh wow. That just stinks. How do i make ammends for that? And will Daniel ever see this the way I am?
There are alot of questions, alot of things that I wish were not how they were right now... but I cannot change them. All i can do is realize that He is in control. Not me, not ever me, but Him. And he knows what is going on. He calms my anger and fears, he knows what it feels like to be lied to and hurt.... and He is there constantly. Those times I feel lonely, just want a hug or a smile, or a gentle touch.... He is there. Maybe not physically, but my heart feels it. One day He is going to give me something better than this, someone who can hug me better than Daniel ever did, someone that can stroke my face and warm my soul.... I trust that the Lord will bring that to me when the time is right, so until then, the tears I cry are not out of defeat they are out of a heart crying to the Lord to be all I need.

((this is so hard))

CAUSE

"CAUSE me to grow in faith, Oh Lord."

to be caused to do something.... not to simply grow my faith, but to CAUSE my faith to grow.... wow. I am asking the Lord to stretch me to where I will cling to the cross more blindly than ever before. What a statement. What a statement to live by, but not to be taken lightly.

In the midst of all of this in my life He is blessing me with days that are abundant in His beauty and He is loving me so dearly with the wind in my face and the beautiful stars in the sky. Oh how i wish I could just leave and go to Copper Canyon Mexico for a couple weeks. To just escape the everyday business and chores to go and just spend time with Jesus. Just me and Him in the beautiful vast creation that He created and he spoke into existence.... To go and be with him, to just be cleared of all the things that could be distracting me from Him. To just be able to sit and listen to Him speak to my heart things that I so desperately need to hear.
Since we all know that I cannot do that, I am trying to find ways to "get away" while still living here. I went and ran last night for a little bit, it was beautiful. I mean, HE IS SOO BEAUTIFUL!!! Sometimes I wonder if I could ever take it all in.... I always feel like I could have just sat and looked up while the wind blew past my face.... for hours and not have done it enough. Oh how i hate that I started reading Thoreau when i was only 13!!! UGH!!!

For a status update:
I am doing alright. I am slowly forgiving and moving on from the hurt. He is showing me ways to give it all to Him. It really has been easier than I thought it would, this whole falling out of love with someone. I mean the situation helped that a lot, but still. I am missing my family during these times, a lot. I feel like I owe something to them, i feel like I owe them a thank you, or a "I was wrong the whole time and thank you for just letting me realize it on my own"... or maybe because I know they will be there for me no matter what, and really knowing that is true. It is a beautiful thing to know the truths in life when all you can think about is all the lies.
Sometimes I feel like I am in a battle, something much bigger than I, something that is very scary and very humbling all at the same time. I don't know what the devil wants with me, but he ain't gettin it!! I am a warrior of the King, the Conqueror, the Savior! take that devil!!!

I miss some friends that know me really well (Jasmine) and feel horrible that I took our relationship for granted.... but God's got great stuff in store for both of us so it's all good.

Tomorrow is gonna be a good day, a better day than today ever was. :)

Questions

So I am here, in this place, with You. My heart is once again shattered, but more angry than ever before. You know better than anyone that I hate being angry. I hate being mad at something. I hate being hurt by someone and being angry at them. It's so hard not to judge, not to show my anger on that person and not be who You want me to be in the situation.
I didn't think I could feel this way about a person I felt so strongly for. I never thought I could be so angry and let someone hurt me so badly. I must be at fault right? This person thinks that he has no reason to feel badly, because he is doing what he should via Your will.... but that confuses me... how can someone hurt someone so badly, and then tear them up AGAIN in YOUR NAME?! And how can someone call me out on having trouble forgiving all the ways he wronged me while he is sitting there tearing me down in the name of Your Son!? I do not understand. Where are You in this? The place I believe you are, or in his hateful words? You are leading me away from him, and I am sooooo glad, I do not want that in my life, any part of it. But why, when you are leading him in great places and working in him, is he still cold?
And God, I am so thankful that you showed me what you did. It doesn't take the anger away, not the pain from all the lies, nor the confusion from the mistrust or the feelings that existed. I know there is something better out there for me, WAY better. No one deserves to be treated the way I was/had been nor does anyone deserve to just "get away" with treating someone so badly.
It's like being told everything was a lie. A huge big fat lie. And all those people that threatened him if he ever hurt me, where are they? Are they fooled by his ways too? Where were the warning signs? What did I do so wrong to deserve such a slap in the face and a knife to the heart? What will this teach me other than I deserve better and that I shouldn't trust people so easily?
Can you tell I am just really confused?

I know Jesus will make a way, He has compassion on His children who have hearts of sorrow, He made the day today, He reigns. He is glorious. He will NEVER do this to me! EVER! He won't lie to me, He will not be fake and tell me he loves me, because my God LOVES ME! Sometimes that is the only thing that keeps me going, knowing that atleast ONE person, the greatest of them all, loves me, not the kind of love that I thought I had, but the REAL love that is everlasting.

Whoever you are,
Pray for me. For healing. For forgiveness, for me to just let go and let Him carry me though this. Pray that I would be able to look at this, at the lies, at the disappointment and that my eyes would be lifted to the cross and the sacrifice Jesus gave for ME....

What I needed

This note was posted online by a dear friend of mine. It is something I desperately needed at this moment. So thanks Jes, and thank you Lord for loving me.


"Everyone longs to give themselves to someone, to have a deep soul relationship with another, to be loved thoroughly, and exclusively. But God says to a Christian, “No, not until you are satisfied, fulfilled, and content with being loved by Me alone. Discovering that only in Me is your satisfaction to be found, you will be capable of the perfect human relationship that I have planned for you. You will never be united with another until you are united with me; exclusive of anyone or anything else, exclusive of any other desires or longings.”

“I want you to stop planning—stop wishing—and allow Me to give you the most thrilling, exciting plan you can imagine!!! I want you to have the best! Please allow Me to give it to you. You must keep watching Me, expecting the greatest things. Keep experiencing the satisfaction that I am! Keep listening and learning the things that I tell you.”

“You just want, that’s all. But don’t be anxious. Don’t worry. Don’t look at things others have gotten or that I have given them. Don’t look at the things you think you want. You just keep looking off and way up to Me or you’ll miss what I want to show you.”

“And then, when you are ready, I’ll surprise you with a love far more wonderful than anyone would ever dream of. You see, until you are ready, and until the one I have for you is ready; until you are both satisfied with Me and the life I have prepared for you, you won’t be able to experience the love that exemplifies your relationship with Me, and this is the perfect love. And, dear one, I want you to have this wonderful love. I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your everlasting union of beauty, perfection, and love that I offer you with Myself.”

“Know that I love you utterly. I am God. Believe and be satisfied.”

~ Anonymous

Three Months

It's been three months.

Three months of my life being turned upside down, spun around, and repositioned.
Three months of the worst and greatest pain I have ever felt.
Three months of rediscovering what I am all about.
Three months of questioning.
Three months of searching.
Three months of crying.
Three months of the most healing laughter ever.
Three months of growing.
Three months of being stretched to new limits
Three months of confusion
Three months of bitter sweet tears shared with friends, family, and alone
Three months of not knowing what tomorrow will bring but learning to trust Him in it
Three months of knowing tomorrow is new
Three months of knowing that one day things will be better
Three months of begging that this stupid boy will be let back into my life
Three months of trying to tell myself the only boy I need is Jesus
Three months of new opportuinties
Three months of learning how to be alone
Three months of learning how beautiful His love really is

The past three months has felt like three years. It has been the longest three months in my life. I cannot explain to you how weird it is to realize that it has only been three months, only 1/4 of a year, only 90 days, only 2160 hours. ONLY THREE MONTHS. How can this be? How can all of this have happened in three months and all of these feelings occurred in only three months? How could my life have changed so radically in three measly months?!

I have changed in those months. He has done some great thing. He is still working. I am still learning, questioning, searching. I still think that it will be a while, maybe another 3 months, until I feel great about all of this and He gives me some answers. . . it might be longer, who knows. But i do know that He is great. He can do great thing, he has. I mean, look what He has done in my life in ONLY THREE MONTHS!!!!!

I do not wish to go back to anything before these three months started other than to be able realize how better it would get. There are things I wish I could have back that have been taken away in these three months, yes, but I do not wish to go back. Maybe in three more months He will take that desire away, but if not, I know He has a plan. His plan for these past three months was for me to be in His hand, in His will, in His footsteps, in His love, in His glory. It's hard to see sometimes, especially when days seem like weeks, months seem like years.... but tomorrow is a new day, I don't know what He is going to do tomorrow, but I know I am going to love Him more than I did today, and hopefully I will trust Him a bit more too .

Some interesting sights from today

Well today was beautiful.
I had lunch with one of my favorite people in the world, and one of the people who knows me best. It was so refreshing.
I saw some interesting things today :

• A billboard advertising a store that is "coming soon" in "52 miles"
  
• I was honked at by 5 different truckers
• on the disgusting side--- Green poo (NOT MINE) in a toilet... like lime green.... haha!!!!!!
• how good things are going in my life
  
• A friends face glow
  
• a movie that I felt like I was living
• roads that I have driven so many times, but they seemed new today
• a new look to an familiar face
• a family member fulfilled

It was pretty good. Today was a great day. Period. God is good. Period.

My Thoughts at the Moment

So I took a step in a direction, took a step and thought that I was lead in that way, that it was something He was giving me. And just like what I had feared, I think it was a step in the wrong direction. I hate that I think HE is giving me an opportunity and find out that it wasn't. Or maybe it was an opportunity to see something else, but right now all I can see is that it was a "failed" attempt. I am moving on in my life, I am not afraid to take opportunities when they present themselves, I am simply afraid of what to do with those opportuinites. And I hate that all I want is the thing I cannot have.
Lord, can I just become a nun? I just want to stay within the confinements of Your love. Nothing else. Boys are stupid. They are simply dumb. I don't understand why you have given me a taste of something great so that when I go taste testing nothing compares, all I want is the thing I knew was right.
Lord, I love you. Can you just speak so clearly to me that I have no doubt that it is You. Lift my spirits. I love you! Can I just go live in Copper Canyon and just love you? Can I just keep you to myself and be selfish? You are the one unfailing thing in my life, the only thing tha will never let me down. Am I alone in wanting to just go be with you? It's not that I don't want to share this love with others, I just don't want to feel like this.... I just want to be with you.

For anyone who reads this, it's just my thoughts at a moment. That's what this blog is for me, a place to write my thoughts. Ask me about them, don't judge my life upon them. And know that I know without a shadow of a doubt that He is in control and has a plan. I have faith in His goodness to His children.

I miss love...

I miss love shared with others. I have the greatest love one could ever imagine, yet i still long to be loved with the love of another who shares that love. Grrrr Why is that desire not quenched with the love from Him, the one PURE and EVERLASTING love?

Is it simply because I am woman, created from the side of another, to be his helper.... is that what I miss? Ugh!!
Or is it that i miss being someone's somebody. That i hate being that "single" girl in the midst of all of her "coupled" friends... or is it that I experianced something worth missing?

our God is that great

How sweet is our God, how powerful, majestic, and awesome is He who gave it all for us. What would it mean to have a heart wholly abandoned to the Lord, to be captivated by Him? This beautiful and undeserving relationship that I have with Jesus is something that should utterly shape, define, and control my life. To be "devastated" by His glory, captivated in the greatness of His will and power.

At the moment, things are crazy! In a good way. I was accepted into an organization that I am really excited about being a part of, for you Ags that are reading this... it's MSC Hospitality. What an honor to be part of such a great organization, their sole mission, sole goal is to serve. SERVE!!! The very thing I desire to do on this Earth. Let me tell you, God sure did know what He was doing. As I was walking into the MSC to pick up my decision letter, I was asking God to help me deal with the fact that I got turned down and His will for me was to not be a hospitable but it was something else... haha! I'm sure God was just shaking His head at me!!! Because you know what, His will was for me to be a part of this, to be a part of something bigger, to serve in His name and make Him known!!! Talk about Him having a better plan than I could ever imagine!!!

Lately there has been moments that I feel like I am spinning my wheels, sprinting as hard as I can to find out that I am running on a treadmill and going NO WHERE! It is the crappiest feeling EVER! I am struggling to know where He wants me to go, the direction He is leading me in, I just want to MOVE. I want to GO! I want to DO! Not for me, but I feel like I am being useless to His kingdom right now. Or am I just suppose to be living for Him and that is making the difference to His kingdom? He will show the way, He's got it, He knows. Oh how I wish I could see the big picture sometimes, to know exactly what I am suppose to do at the EXACT time I am suppose to do it because I don't want to mess it up, I want to be exactly in line with His will, no matter the pain or the cost or anything.... but being the woman I am.... I want to know.... but see He is calling me to simply have faith. Which is what I have.... but a childlike faith to say "alright Father, I'm just gonna hold your hand and walk with you and experience with you because you are going to show the way" PERIOD!! I am encouraged, and annoyed, by this person in my life who's faith is unwavering, steady, strong, and oh so genuine. He is so in tune with what God wants for his life and so willing to follow, no matter the cost. It truly is beautiful. I know that is what God wants from me, in my own unique way.... It's just hard sometimes, you know? I mean let's be honest, I just do not feel like I have been given that gift, the gift of faith like this person. And that is okay... everyone brings something different to the table to make the feast beautiful and perfect.

Anyways, I find myself falling more and more in love with the Lord when I just let Him be lifted high. When I am driving and praising His name, WOW! I feel so incredibly loved, His presence is overwhelming. There was a moment this week where I saw someone else be moved by the Spirit.... it was so beautiful. He moves in His children, He loves us, He is here. How can we not be moved? How can we not be completely lost in His vast wonder and glory? To be in love with my savior is the greatest feeling I have ever experienced, but to be able to share that love with others.... wow! To look into someone's eyes and tell them that Jesus loves them.... wow. For that person to be moved by that.... wow! Yeah, our God is that great.

If you are ever having a day that just is not so fun, remember, God.... the God that created the universe, those vast mountains, those swaying trees, the hurricanes that sweep across the land, the stars in the sky...... that God.... He loves you in the most intimate way possible. Nothing can separate you from Him. He died for you on the cross so that you may live in that crappy day... Look up, He is there. He loves you. You are beautiful. You are in that day for a reason, a purpose. And He had a great plan for your life, one bigger and better than the one you have. Fall into the hands of mercy, love, and power and let them love you, mold you, and move you.

The key is Patience

I won't lie.
I am confused while completely at peace all at the same time. I know God has all of this. He has my heart, my life, my love, my EVERYTHING.... and He knows exactly what is going on. I just hate not knowing what to do, what action to take on things that I am unclear on. I don't want to not take action simply because I am unsure because I know He is faithful to catch me when I jump.... but I don't want to jump off the wrong way when He is trying to get to me jump the other way. I want to be right in my actions, to be deliberate, and to be glorifying Him in ALL I do. When I say ALL, I mean ALL. From the ways I talk to people to the very tender subject of me wanting to love someone that I cannot.
I have never wanted to be so deliberate and intentional in my actions than before. I honestly don't know if I was ever deliberate in my actions. But in the desire to be intentional comes the search for the right deliberate move. You don't ever want to deliberately be wrong... ya know? So in this I am humbly asking for guidence and direction.... but see the deal is..... in some things I feel very strongly about knowing that He is guiding me to a deliberate action (and run into a wall) and others I can't hear Him say a word about it. Is this what happens when you truely seek His direction in all aspects of life? Or am I doing something wrong? I desperately want clarity.... I want to be able to act on the peace that I feel inside of me but want to make sure it isn't just me but that peace is from the Holy Spirit.
There are two situations in my life that I am utterly confused on. I have never been in situations like either one of them. One will not leave me alone, it is a constant issue in my heart, an issue that I have prayed for the Lord to take, I have given to Him to take, that I am simply wanting an answer on other than the one that my heart is leading me to because the one that I am lead to, the answer that I feel in my soul, is not the easy answer. It's not an answer that I know how to handle being in the situation I am. So therefore it leads me to question if that is really what He is telling me, and if it is, what I am suppose to do about it. I am in a position that I cannot do a thing; so is that what He is wanting to show me??
The other situation is one that is so painful and frustrating. I have always struggled with trying to take the burden on myself, to blame myself for things others have problems with..... I come to the foot of the cross broken for this person and the relationship that is being neglected and battered. All I can do is be who I am and let Him take care of it..... what a hard thing to do when all I want is to love on people, to serve them, to have a relationship that glorifies Him. I am learning that sometimes people just don't care. I thought I learned that before, but seeing as though I am completely different, I am hearing the lesson through new ears. It is just frustrating because I know that I am here for a reason, that I am doing what is right.... I just have to cling to that.

The truth is, is that one day at a time I will be walking in the truth and He will be with me. The truth is that He is in control. The truth is that I am human and my faith is lacking at times. I am praying for direction and answers. I know that if I ask, he will answer, if I knock, the door will be opened. So I am going to patiently ask and patiently knock. The key to that is patience. And let me tell you, me and patience do not have a good history, but I feel that our relationship is going to be blooming.

God is good to love and lead

You have made my day

Even in stormy weather.

I'm done singing off the rain

Cuz you make bad days better

Great is the name

when you come to mind

I am smiling

Ear to ear

Sweet thoughts of you

I am always in the mood to twirl around with you while it's raining

Even if it's a dream

You have made my day

Even in stormy weather

I'm done singing off the rain.

Cuz you make bad days better.

Great is the rain

That i am not afraid when i see you

All my fear goes away

-Shane and Shane

This week has been a great week. I have great friends; meeting new ones and reviving the old ones. I am so blessed to be a part of this life He has given me. Every day He pushes me into something new, somtimes it is very uncomfortable and other times it is the coolest thing ever. I am on the right path in life. God is loving and leading me and that is the only way I want it because as soon as he isn't the one leading my life, it gets crazy and not in a good way. I want Him to be shining through me and through my failures and my heartache. My heart wonders sometimes away from His greatness and looks back, but I must fix my eyes on Jesus so that I can remain safe in the shadows of His wings. That is the hardest thing for me to do sometimes. I apologize to those who have experianced me looking not where I should be. My heart is a very tender thing that He uses and that I abuse. One day I am going to be able to look back at all of this and know exactly what is going on and what He is trying to teach me, but until then I still believe that if we ask in earnestly to the God of Heavens that He will answer. He will show the way. We just need to be receptive, period.

Proverb 31:25

"[A wife of Noble character] is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs with no fear of the future."

I want to be a noble woman of the Lord.

Eccl. 3:11

"God has made everything Beautiful for it's own time. HE has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God's work from beginning to end."

I am so that He may be

I am blessed.

I am loved.

I am taken care of.

I am chosen.

I am redeemed.

I am forgiven.

I am broken.

I am healed.

I am saved from doom.

I am created by the hand of the creator.

I am His.

I am uniquely me.

I am true.

I am a failure.

I am a soldier.

I am trying.

I am running.

I am sent.

I am so that He may be.

I am who I am because of Him.

I have changed from who I was.

He is everything good in me.

He is everything to me.

He is love.

He is kind.

He is good.

He is fair.

He is majestic.

He is honest.

He is truth.

He is wonderful.

He is my king.

He is my creator.

He is life.

He is everything right.

He is full of glory.

He is my love.

He is my Father.

He is gracious.

He is eternal.

He is trustworthy.

He is dependable.

He is in control.

He is yours, mine, theirs, and ours.

I am Good

For the first time last night I was able to say that I was good. You might think, well... great! But there is something so beautiful in saying that you are doing good when you truely are doing good. I haven't been able to say that I am doing good for months. I hate it when people lie when you ask them how they are, not that if they aren't doing good I want to hear everything that is wrong in their life, but it isn't a horrible thing to say that things are good but you are still living. I have been livin and facing this valley all while saying "I am doing alright", or "that things are going...." because that's how it was. I knew that one day I would be able to say I was good again, but did not have a clue when.
Things happen when you least expect them and (in my case) when I am completely unprepared and nothing like I would want it to. (I just think that is God reminding me that He is in control...) So last night when I was talking to this amazing person and having a conversation about the heart.... we were talking heart to heart.... you just don't get that with everyone. And he isn't just anyone, so having heart to hearts is hard because I am vunerable with the one person who has hurt me the most... but like I said... things happen nothing like I would ever want them to. Not that it was not absolutely amazing or anything. Anyways, I was able to say that I am good (FOR THE FIRST TIME) looking into the eyes that I never thought I'd be able to say that I was anywhere close to good due to the damage done to my heart by his hands. But never-the-less it happened. It was a bitter sweet and joyful moment.

Life..... Wow.
Six months ago I was so confused. I am so thankful of the place I am in right now and the truth I bathe in each day. I hate that He had to shatter my heart to get my attention, but I am pretty stubborn. I am thankful for each moment of each memory I have. I am still wishing that one day He will bless me with the opportunity to share those moments with this heart and new person in me with the new person in him, but God's got it. He knows what He is doing and it is not my worry or concern to know or care. I just know He has a better plan than I can imagine, and He knows how to love on me and knows what I need-- so why not let him fulfill those?

I have been set free from chains I didn't know existed. I have changed. And I can only hope tomorrow more chains are gone and I am changed for the better. Each day I have an opportuity to love our Savior and for Him to love me. Wow! How can that not make me better? I have experianced love that was not true and still had a joy that overflowed.... and now to think about THIS love.... overflow is such an understatement!!!!!

Psalm 118:23-24

"This is the Lord's doing, and it is marvelous to see.

This is the day the Lord has made

We will rejoice and be GLAD in it."

Psalm 117

"Praise the Lord, all you nations,

Praise Him, all you people of the earth.

For he loves us with unfailing love,

the faithfulness of the Lord endures forever.

PRAISE THE LORD!"

Running

Quotes that are running through my heart and mind:

"In this marriage of our hearts, there is no death due us part. For you are Eternal and I am Eternally Yours.... I never had love until I had you, and now I have everything. " - Sanctus Real


"For as much as she stumbles, she's running. " -Eli Young Band


These are two very profound statements, both of which are very impacting. At this point in my life I am running ahead to this beautiful life He has for me, I can't see anything, I don't know what it is going to be like, but I know that once I am there I will know it. I am in love with Jesus. Yes, that's right. In love. When I think about it, it fills me with this beautiful feeling. With Daniel I thought I never could be loved more in my life, I also thought I could never love someone with so much passion.... well as we all know.... I was soooo wrong. Like this God of ours loves us in a very intimate way when we let Him do so, and you should because you can actually feel what TRUE LOVE feels like. I cannot explain to you how exciting it was to discover that. And like every idiot, sometimes I don't remember that feeling, that truth about His love. But crazy thing, He knows how to speak to my soul and my soul listens when spoken to so soflty and powerfully like He does. All of that to say, that wilst running towards my love (therefore running to my beautiful life) I stumble, look around at the crappy situation that I might be in, and then get back up and start running again. "For as much as she stumbles, she's running."

Psalm 37:24
" Though they stumble, they will not fall, for the Lord holds them by the hand."