I haven't written in over a year, more than that, to be honest. Writing is and was always a way to get my thoughts together in such a way I could process different emotions, different issues, and different life experiences I was or had gone through. Due to a series of very good and very difficult life experiences I have learned a lot about people, friendships, and even myself... most of which I can guarantee you I have yet to learn all I will in the long run.
I've never had such a series of highs and lows like the ones I have been through in the past year alone. The highs were blissful, those in which dreams are made of; the lows were and are some of the darkest lows I have not only ever gone through but some of the darkest parts of life I pray I never see again.
But...
I am still here.
'Here' is an interesting word to describe my current state, but I am here nonetheless.
One thing I know more deeply than I have ever known is that there are certain people that have the ability to love you no matter what, and those that don't.
My family loves me deeper and more ferociously than I could have ever imagined and in such a way that no matter what the dark days tell me-- I am very loved in spite of my scars and mess of a human that I am today. I do not deserve how much and how unconditional my family's love is for me, but I also would not be here without it. Over the past few months I have not only had to tell them truths that hurt (which hurt me more than they will ever understand) but these dark times have allowed my family and I to grow closer due to my unapologetic honesty in this time and fun stories I was always scared to tell them about me in which held back the ability for my family to know the true me more.
Another is that there are those friends that will stick with you, by your side, and fight with you even when you feel like you have nothing to offer a soul in this world... some lucky people, myself included, have a group of people that nothing but friendship keeps them around, and they don't run. The saying about having a few true friends is better than 100 half way friends is a very valid and real saying. My friends that have not once hesitated in loving me through this time are those that I would take bullets for because they have taken a few for me.Whether it be family or friends, I am one truly loved individual and still wonder why at times...
Their love has held my head above water when my body and soul has gone weak and motionless. Their love has showed me that there is a fight worth fighting for my future, even when I don't see or believe it for myself. Their love has shown me parts of myself I forgot or lied to myself about its existence by my own sub-conscience to make me feel less worthy of an option of moving forward.
I know that I have already survived so much, but these last few months -- even this last year-- has been one for the books, one that tried to take me down for the count. The lessons I learned from previous experiences have only given me more understanding about how real and hard these times are because those past things seem so minimal--- but as those that love me remind me of: "[I] always come out one top."
Currently, that's as good as it gets from the things I am learning in this process, but I am very thankful to know the unconditional love of those that love me, because if that's all that I take away from my world crumbling around me--- it is sufficient for me.
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