Bob: the Pancreas that Could

As some of you know, I have a chronic condition that seems to be very tricky. My pancreas, Bob, decided years ago, maybe even at birth, that he would be a 'thorn in my side'... and quite literally at that. I have struggled since my diagnosis when I was 19; struggled with how to live my life without feeling diseased, struggled how to deal with the pain and side effects of such a condition, struggled with communicating to my loved ones about my body, struggled with paying for the hospital visits and medication... ect.

This week I have been dealing with a doozie of an attack.  After a few days, lots of pain, and being able to time my rushes to the bathroom after any attempt to eat food,  I decided to go ahead and head to the hospital to see if they could give me some relief.

(( let me just take a second and explain to you why this was decision was delayed as well as heavily avoided.  For the past year or so, each time I had gone to the hospital or any medical facility in hopes for some relief, I rarely received such things due to the fact that my pancreatic enzyme levels were always normal by the time I made it in to the hospital, which is the indicator of an acute pancreatic attack. And therefore when I come in and explain to them I am having all the symptoms of an attack, yet the tests say otherwise, doctors do their duty and say that I am not having an attack and send me along... which I understand, in their shoes. But in mine, it has become quite frustrating and the main reason why I even hesitate to go in at all. Also, most of the times I have gone to the hospital in the past year or so, I have done so alone, or with a friend out of duty or pity, which sometimes makes it feel even worse... and when I am in pain, sick to my stomach, and my body is weak, it's no fun to be alone on top of that... Plus, hospitals are not the most comforting places in the world..))

So after a very tearful decision to let the love of my life and best friend take care of  me the best he knew how by taking me to people who have better tools to help heal me than he does, we were finally on the way to the hospital.

We went through the normal procedures, got a room, and started getting things going. When the phlebotomist came to take my blood, I went into my normal routine of closing my eyes, squeezing my thigh with my other hand, and taking a few deep breaths... then a hand grabbed mine...  I wasn't alone. For the first time in a while, I was truly not alone in facing one of the hardest struggles I have had over the years. And not only was I not physically alone, I could tell I was not alone in my fight anymore emotionally. Clint was right there with me body, heart, and mind.  It was beautiful.

As the time progressed, the drugs ran through my veins, and we waited for the doctor to come back to tell us what was going on, I didn't feel the way I normally did... I was in pain, yes, I was uncomfortable from the medicine, yes, I was tired emotionally and physically, yes, but I felt like there was hope this time around.  And hope there was!

The doctor came back in, told me forthright that my pancreatic levels were fine. Almost immediately my heart sank and I felt the tears and anger rising up... Clint had my hand and squeezed back just as hard. I expected the doctor to just go through the normal speech of  telling me he didn't know why I was having abdominal pains and that he would give me some medicine to help ease the pain and calm my stomach... yet instead, the doctor just paused and used the magical word "BUT" ...

He went on to let me know they discovered I had an infection and that they were giving me some antibiotics to help treat it... so he was glad I came in because it was pretty bad.
I finally spoke up and asked the doctor straight up, with as much frustration as the morphine would let me express, why would I have so much pain and the exact symptoms of a pancreatic attack when everything was fine....

The doctor was so gentle with his explaination, an explaination that seemed to just put everything right in my mind.... He told me that my pancreas was probably so damaged that it acted sorta like 'arthritis of the gut'. He went on to say that I probably had experienced a pancreatic episode earlier in the week, and then my pancreas just continued to be flared up because of the infection.

It all finally made sense to me, and after a few days of thought, I can honestly say that I have no more anger towards my body.

The way I see it--- it's a beautiful thing.

In my weakness, my sickness, and my pain--- I was not alone at all.  Clint had been right there from the first moment I felt bad and has not left my side.... not in the same way other friends have been, but in the way that I truly believed he was in the fight with me. I never have experienced that before and it is probably the most comforting thing, outside of wishing he never had to, I have felt during my struggle with my health.  I realized for once that I was not the only one that was hurting; maybe I was the only one feeling the physical side of it, but he, my family, and some close friends, hurt with me when I hurt... they are frustrated as I am when we don't have a solution to fix me, and they are tired of me not being at 100% with me because they don't like it as much as I don't like it.

It's a blessing within this curse of mine.

It's a blessing that Bob not only has his own issues, but when my body is fighting against something, Bob feels it too-- it's messed up when you really think about it, yet it's kinda endearing.  Although my pancreas is damaged without having to deal with anything else, it still feels the pain and struggle of other parts of my body.

The body is a mysterious thing, one I will never understand and am completely okay with that. But I do feel comforted in knowing the reason why I have hurt all the times when my 'levels are fine'.  And most of all, I feel comforted and confident that I will never face it alone, and that none of my pain is carried by myself fully, but partly by my partner in life and best friend...

Despite the increased medical bills and missed work... I am very thankful that this little episode happened and the doctor that treated me was there to help make a little more sense of my crazy world.

Over a month and still no dress pants....

Wake up at 6:00 am.

Get out of bed. 

Put shorts and shirt on. 

Brush teeth. 

Pull back hair and put hat on. 

Put shoes on. 

Walk out the door. 

And arrive at the best job ever.... baking, cooking, and running a coffee shop. 

Wait.

Yes. You read that right... a coffee shop.

It's been over a month, and still no dress clothes, rarely any make up, and rarely a real bra.... and it's heavenly.  For months I knew what I needed to do in order to be successful at school, but I hesitated just long enough to trust God in the right moment to provide me with the biggest blessing in my life right now: a positive work environment without stress and full of encouragement.

I had always been one to be afraid of change, to take it with a grain of salt (and maybe some tequila)... change gave me the heebee-geebee's. Rarely anything good came out of it without lots of scars to show for it... so when I knew there had to be a change in my life, especially work wise,  I couldn't muster up the guts to do anything about it for the longest time.  Then, a week before school started, this door opened up and within 2 days,  I had accomplished making a positive change in my life without any battle scars to prove it.  Just that alone--- the fact that I took the leap and landed safely would have been enough, and will always be a reminder of how change isn't always bad or painful... but the good Lord and his blessings don't stop there my friends.

Within the first 6 weeks of school I have experienced making an A in a class I had failed miserably before, teaching others and watching them succeed, having peers look to ME for answers, realizing that all my work experiences pay off in school because I know what the teacher is telling my peers to 'look forward to' because I have already experienced it, and lastly, not worried one moment about my job while I'm at school.... It's just amazing.

I guess I could say the best thing, aside from the surprise that change has a positive side, would be seeing the faces of my friends when I told them I quit, then the same people coming to me a few weeks ago and telling me how much happier I am...

It's true.  I am truly more happy than I have ever been in my life. I finally feel like all the wheels are turning the the right direction and working together, instead of a constant struggle just to move SOMEWHERE.  I have a great job that words cannot explain how thankful I am for every day, I have a great school I get the opportunity to be back at and have a second chance with, I have an amazing boyfriend (Clint) who... well if you could see my smile right now you'd know there are no words,  I have an amazing supportive family who I believe finally see the old Darby coming back to life... and most of all, I have a great Hope that gives me peace and lets me look forward to the many more great things to come in life.

Holes: Well or Vacuum

It has occurred to me often lately that I have been not only blessed by my scars, but taught new lessons by them.

A dear friend of mine when speaking of a recent break-up said "it just feels like there is a hole in me where he was...". It broke my heart to hear her say that because I knew that pain all to familiar. It is a pain that I had no quick bandaid for, no quick solution that would ease her pain... Really, I had nothing that would ease her pain. The only thing I had to tell her was what I had learned through my heartaches, and that was not going to help her pain,in fact, it would probably stab the shards of her broken heart a little deeper... But what I had to tell her was the truth, something I wish more people had told me...
I'm just a horrible friend, huh? I was sitting there willing to hurt my friend more simply to try to let her know a lesson I learned from months of heartache... Not out of selfish ambition, but because I was praying she would hear it one day down the road, when the tears were dry, and she could clearly understand what I was saying.

The fact is, and the truth I told my friend, is that the hole a relationship leaves behind is never one that can or will be filled again... It will always be there. What we have to understand and try to avoid when we try to fill that void, we lose the preciousness that the relationship once was, and we also cause ourselves so much more pain because nothing will ever replace it. Things may come along that make that hole so small it is but a mere pore on the skin, irrelevant and minuscule. But never will something replace that hole.

This isn't something that is too comforting when all you see and feel is a gaping hole in your heart that person left you with, but eventually it is a beautiful lesson to understand about ourselves.
So many times we search for things to replace old relationship, we search for means to cover the hole only to have the flood gates roll through in the first storm. In my journey, I have learned that I must live with the holes for they stand for lessons to be learned, beautiful parts of me that came from them.
Every single relationship leaves a mark on us, some are but dents in our canvas, others, when they leave, initiate a grief and pain from the hemmoraging loss of love it makes us feel like the hole is our whole--- but it is not!
For me, my soul is in the hands of a gracious God who loves me and fills me... But in those moments where the absence of the relationship have overwhelmed me, I felt just as scared and alone as my dear friend did recently.
I never thought I would look from the point of view I do today and be thankful for the hole I see in me from lost love. I have grown to be bigger than that hole and have learned about who I am from all those days I spent questioning the vacancy. Eventually my friend will understand what I said, and she too will be able to see that nothing will replace that love she had, but something may come along that will enlarge your heart so much that it will make the hole seem not so scary, and more like a well of memories she can pull from instead of an empty vacuum.

I'm so thankful that I have grown in love, on my own, and with the help of some special people. I, now, today, can look at my whole heart and be thankful for the vacancies for they gave room for growth and showed my heart what strength it had.

No Monsters

When faced with frustrating situations, we all have a few options of how to handle it... especially when it comes to making a choice that will greatly impact most every part of your life.

Lately, I have been experiencing a few frustrations within myself, my workplace, and people around me.  Being a redhead, it's very easy for me to get overly emotional at the time of frustration and have a fit, only to calm down later and realize the situation is not so bad.

Today was a little bit of that.

I have a huge decision to make soon, one that I know will be something I do not regret, one that will expand opportunities for my future, and one that will ultimately shape the outcome of my career.  I have always been one that once I set my mind to do something, I go after it like a freight train and get it done, nothing stops me.  I am one determined individual when I set my mind to things, and this is one thing I have set my mind to... but like many choices in life, deciding one thing comes with about twenty more side decisions that you don't always see at first.

When facing a issue today, I wanted to be the kind of person who just threw it all up in the air and ran towards my goal without thinking about anything but what I wanted to do... althought this seemed nice, the other side of my brain was screaming with fear and questions.

I have so many people telling me how "strong" I am, how "determined" I am, how "fearless" I am... well in that moment, I was a scared little girl who could barely move from her office chair in fear of making the wrong choice.  I couldn't explain why I was so scared, I couldn't explain why I wasn't being that "determined  and fearless" woman people know me as other than I was afraid.

Fear is one of the biggest obstacles I face in life.

No, not fear of spiders or of the dark... but fear of failing, making the wrong choice, and letting others down.

During this decision in my life to set forth and complete my goal, there are times I am in fear of it not working out, money not stretching thin enough, not getting the GPA I want, not getting that dream job when I graduate that everyone says is waiting for me to get that degree...

Fear freezes me when otherwise I would be at a dead sprint ahead.

In the midst of this 'episode' this morning, I called two men in my life that I trust- that know me- and that have experienced a life a little longer than I have... and wouldn't you  know, they both told me the same thing...
1) Quit being afraid, that isn't who you are 
   
2) You deserve better than what you have right now, so you need to make the choice to get better. And you never have failed at anything you have set out to do, so just do it. Don't sit there and pout- DO SOMETHING.


3) The world is not full of people like you, it's unfair, unloving, dishonest, and cruel... you have to stop taking it personal when people are people and act like they are in middle school. 


4) You have one year. Then you have the world, so be you... be determined, be strong, and get it done. 


When the first person told me all these things, I got upset because they weren't understanding my frustration... then the second person told me the same thing and I began to realize that these people around me love me, want to see me succeed, and believe in me... why don't I? 


So here I am, about to take the leap... determined, proud, excited, nervous... but I will not fear anymore. Not only because I have a God that has me in the palm of His hands, but I have those around me that believe in me sometimes more than I believe in myself, so I know I can do this.  


I am thankful for the fear because it has taught me to be strong. It's like when a kid finally gets the nerves to look under their bed when they think there is a monster... the scariest moment in their life, only to find there is no monster... 


So for now, there are no monsters. I looked, I had others look with me and confirmed the truth : there is nothing to be afraid of. 

That Child...

So, we all know that every family has that "strong willed one", the one that marches to their own drum from time to time, the one that the parents pray a little harder for, and the one that always makes them wonder how windy of a day was it when they came into this world...

I am without a doubt "that" child. Yes , there are parts of me that are undeniably straight from the blood line... Then there are parts that make even my parents wonder where it came from and if maybe I was switched at birth.

I know I'm not the perfect child, I know I come with warning signs (if my red head wasn't enough), I know I have made my questions wonder what they did so bad in their life to get punished with such a strong willed child.

And as any black sheep of the family would tell you, the herd only makes them stand out a little more when they do succeed. I know my family is there, even if it means they are there to shake their head at me and offer me a strong word of advise. And there are times in every stubborn child's life that they do their best to make things right, to make their family proud... And even then sometimes they don't succeed in all the ways someone may have prayed for, but maybe their coat isn't a black as before... Maybe it's just a shade of gray.

The thing is, I know I haven't always been a poster child. I know the life I live and choose for myself isn't always one that my mom wants to boast about at moms prayer group every month... But I pray that there are some things that they can see I try to do not only for my personal being, but to make them proud that even though I don't learn the easy way or take the smoother path... I am doing my best to show them that I am not 100% wrong.

As of today, I am more myself than I have ever truly felt. I am honest with those around me, even if it's not something they want to hear. I have learned I cannot live for others praises but for my own path I feel led to walk to take me where promises are sure to come through. I have been through some ugly things, 99% of them being of consequence to my own stubborn choices, but I am thankful for each and every thing I survived. Some people may think that if I was to go back and have a chance to take the "easier" route that there wouldn't be a second thought... But I'm not so sure if that's the case. I am who I am today, the mix of scars and freckles because of each moment I have lived. I have a passion to pursue things that I once didn't because I know what it's like to have a gift taken away. I love with every ounce of me, not to try to get the loves I had lost back, but to never miss a happy moment for I know what its like when they are gone. I make choices and I don't regret them because I know what it's like to be unsure and miss opportunities. I have a faith that is grounded on a personal relationship with the God who created this earth not for the sake of looking pretty in church, but because I know how empty life is without that relationship.

See, the strong willed child in everyone's life is in fact strong willed, but not just for making their families life miserable, but for also being strong willed to overcome all they did and prove that their stubbornness isn't all bad.

Click the "Play Button" to play a song that I feel describes me in this situation: Windy Day by Jamie Richards
Windy Day

Lean on Me

So you ask me why all of my friends call me and lay out all their troubles on me?
You ask why do they always run to me when there is a problem?
You ask why I carry their burden with them when it has nothing to do with me....

Well, I know I don't have to.  I sometimes really don't want to... but I know that they wouldn't call if they didn't need someone to talk to, someone to just listen, or someone to make them smile.  And the cool thing is, that 99% of the time, that person finds a happy place again and 99% of the time I get to see them when they do and rejoice in their victory like no one else because I saw them in the war.

I guess the thing is, I want to be there for people... when they are at their lowest and on the top of their mountains.  Not because I get any trophy from the deal, but because I get to love them and share the joy of their success. Being there and listening to someone is the easy part, it's the part of staying by their side and lifting them up that is hard.  But who  better of a person than I, someone who has been up and down many a times and  can say "look at me now".   I know the pain of heart ache, I feel it when they hurt.  I know the pain of loneliness, I know the pain of failure, I know the feelings associated with fear.... and I know the only thing that will help any of that is knowing you are not alone-- not only can I be there and love on them, but I can give them hope that we have a God that loves us and knows what we need... that even in this time of anger and pain, He is at work preparing something bigger and better than we ever imagined.

Lately, I've gotten quite a bit of phone calls. I have shed a few tears for my friends.  I carry burdens with them to help lighten their load.
Not one of those things do I regret, do I question within myself, nor do I wonder if it was worth it.

My heart is open, my heart is big, and my heart is eager to love when someone is in need.

I'm blessed for the phone calls. I consider myself blessed to carry these loads along side those I love, because I know in the end, they will achieve great things, love wildly, and dance with passion... they just needed a little help to get there.

After all, one of my favorite songs in the world "Lean on Me", isn't just some goofy friendship song... if you take it and put the words into action in your life, you will reap so many blessings by simply putting a friend first every once in a while, being there for someone, and loving your angels that surround you.

Moments

Think about a time in your life, a moment really, that completely altered your life....

... The moment you realize the truth and reality of Jesus
... The first time you talk to your grandparents and truly hear them
... The first time you hear your parents say they are proud of you and it sinks in
... Your first love
... The first concert you see
... Meeting your favorite artist and feeling like a kid
... The first time your heart breaks because of a friend
... The moment when you are surrounded by friends and almost cry because the rush of love surrounds you like a flood and you realize every moment that led to this one was worth it
... The moment you tell someone you love them after weeks of holding it in
... Having someone tell you what you should do and actually listening

Our lives are made up of those kinda moments. We dont always realize that they alter the path you walk on, but when you do those moments stay in a special place in your heart.

Lately I've had an abundance of these moments and just want to soak it all in. I want to make sure I never forget the way I felt in each of those moments so that I do not stray from directions those moments have pushed me.
I am so blessed in my life right now.
I never knew things could have such a mix of good and bad while still being so overwhelmingly beautiful.

I guess I just want to remind all of us that we have moments we should never forget, good and bad, and we should never forget the way we felt in that moment so that we not only can be thankful for it each day, but so we continue to grow from it.

Close call

Ever have a moment where it feels exactly like one of the worst moments in your life, so you prepare for all of hell to break loose, the fit to hit the shan, and the good feeling pretty much goes down the drain and away forever?

Yeah. 

Those moments suck. 

But there are always two ways to turn, surprisingly, it doesn't always have to end up in disaster. 

The lesson here in life is the fact that sometimes you will run into times that feel like the 'way it use to be', but just because that feeling happens does not mean that the end outcome is going to be like the past.  People are different and no matter how much we as humans class everyone to be the same deep down, some people surprise you. 

I've been surprised a lot by people, a certain person in particular. Then something happened and I put that person right back in the pit of 'all the rest of them'... and then something better happened... they proved that despite being a human and genetically in the "pit of all the rest of them"... and he had redeeming qualities that allowed me to be able to trust that goodness that I had been encompassed in by his presence in my life. 

Not only did a relationship grow deeper, but my belief in the goodness in people was, for once, not shoved into the ground and spat on. 

The past does have a tendency to repeat itself if you never change the pattern you walk in.. then the past still can creep up on you, but you have the courage to make a change somewhere along the way in you... sometimes the past can rise up to teach you a lesson about yourself and help the future blossom.  

BAM

You ever have someone say something to you that it felt like they were slapping you in the face? Not in a insulting way, but in a way that should have been done long before that moment to get your thinking straight. The kind of slap in the face that mostly feels like the cold splash of water on your face when your body is trying to sleep but you need to get up and get moving; uncomfortable yet necessary.

You ever get that slap from someone you are trying to tell your "problems" to someone that you feel like you have the right to tell because you've been through a lot and have dealt with a lot, then they look at you and tell you things they are dealing with... SLAP.  Bing. Bang. Boom. They make you feel like a queen in their third world country that you just pranced in complaining about the weather when they are there drenched in sweat with a smile on their face and wanting to serve you.... SLAP.

So how does that slap become refreshing?
Everyone needs a wake up call in the midst of self pity. 

"Much worse things have happened to much better people"

All of this to say, I am thankful for the slaps in the face I got last night from a guy who no matter his dispositions he has faced and is facing has made me smile every single day I have been around him... There are people that come into our lives and bless us in ways that we never had on our radar.

I have a group of those blessings all around me constantly.  I am blessed beyond belief. I have the strength to face tomorrow's battles because all that happened yesterday is done and there isn't a thing I can do about it.  I am blessed by each individual in my life, whether they are a stranger I get my lunch from, or the friends I have that will last a lifetime. . . they each have a reason for being put there at a particular moment. 

Some issues I have faced lately have taken me pretty low, but the coolest thing in the world is whenever I got over myself to look up... they were all there with smiles and hands reaching out to help me up.
 I literally felt like an avalanche of love and friendship has come over me to crush all the scars and welps from my past, from my mistakes, and from my stupidity. Not to mention the encouragment they give me every day by simply giving me reasons to laugh and smile.

I have been blessed.  I have been pretty happy in the last few months... but right now, happy doesn't cover it.  The raging SLAP in the face I needed woke me up to the rush of true joy I have and was burying under my frustrations and self pity. 

So to those of you who are in my life, thank you.  I love you so much.   I love you for being by my side when I was an idiot, I love you for being by my side when I was celebrating victories from not being stupid.  I love you for making me smile, whether it be every day, or the moments I get to see you, or for when you don't even know it when I think of you...  I love you for making me laugh, because laughing is my favorite and cures everything.  I love you for sitting next to me when I was upset, and I love for slapping me when I needed to get off my ass and get moving.  I love you for loving me in each of your special ways that you love me.   I love you, and where ever you may be today, tomorrow, or in 10 years, I will always love you.  You are a beautiful part of my life, big or small, it's all the same.  You make up this smile on my face.



So from this point forward, the little things will eclipse the stupid things my brain is telling me are big and problematic.  It's the little things that make this life beauitful, the things you don't expect...

The Make Up of an Life of Adventures

I've realized that I am a very interesting person.

Yes, I said it.

Interesting as in if I had put paint on my shoes from the day I was born and looked on the map where I have been, it would be the most crazy jig-jag path you've ever scene.

This whole thing comes from the other day when I was home, Ma had bought me this new cute spring dress that I can wear with my new boots. So on Sunday, I wore the dress with my beautiful Old Gringo boots and fit the part of a true Dixie Queen. That dress and those boots fit perfect with who I am today...

So at lunch Ma asks the grand ole question...

"Darby, if I would have told you five years ago that you would be sitting at lunch in cowboy boots and a dress you would have laughed in my face, wouldn't you?"

I laughed it off and said that I wouldn't have laughed, that I've always had this country girl in me... because truthfully I have, but she was probably right.

Five years ago I was a very different person, yeah I still went to the rodeo's at home, yes I still listened to some country now and then... I mean I grew up in East Texas... but I was not who I am now.

Who I am now is some crazy red headed girl who poses as a grown up sometimes, who has been through hell a few times but made it through. I am in love with anything that stands for Texas and country, except tu. Who I am is not defined by the bad choices I've made, or even the good ones, it's the lessons I learned through them that make up the Darby I know today.

It makes me laugh to think of all the parts of me that make up my whole being. There are days where I can pull of the young professional without a hitch, have people think I'm 6 years older than I am, shake hands with people that make more than I do in one hour, dress up to go to socials with the professionals, drink wine with my pinky out and love every second... but then the moment I get home, I put my boots on my feet, put on my torn up and worn in jeans with my tshirt, blast my newest favorite hidden music treasure and make a mean meal. I live in two worlds seamlessly at times. Sometimes, I get to work at 8 am go through my day, answer the phones, walk around in my high heels then when leaving time comes I put my jeans and boots on, walk out the door and right into the venue of the night for one of my favorite times on earth: live music and dancing.

Thinking about all of this just brings the biggest smile to my face. I love it. I would have never imagined I would be who I am today, so diverse yet so simple when you get down to the roots. After all, aren't we always pretty simple at our roots, its our flowers and limbs that give us the ability to reach so far into different worlds.

People sometimes bore me that are so stuck in their own ways that they have been in for years, listening to the same song, eating the same foods, driving the same way home... where is the adventure in that?

After a few years here at this beautiful place and a year of being a bit boring myself, I had an experience that has altered my life: an adventure.

I decided to let myself always try something new, to let go of my 'how to' book and just go with things.

Part of this started on a drive to my hometown... I just decided to take the backroads, get lost a little, find a new way home... and it was beautiful. I saw parts of this place (now my home) that I fell in love with... I started just listening to different music, new artists, some good some bad. I made up a rule for myself about food: always try something new, and if I had tried a food before and not liked it, every year I had to try it again to see if maybe I could enjoy it.

Then I had mentioned to a friend that I was not much of a beer drinker... he gasped, then gave me a big grin and said that he was going to help me enjoy beer. I tried desperately to explain to him that even the smell of it made me gag because when I was younger my brother and I would pick up the aluminum cans around town, well one place served beer in a can... just imagine that sitting in a trash can for a week or so= NASTY!! Well, he gave me a method to try beer so that I would enjoy it.... and as most of you know, it worked.

You never really know what you can like if you give it a chance, you never know who you will become if you don't try to just live to the fullest and experience all life can give you. . . The person I am today, the people I love in my life, the things I love in life, even the things that I loved and loss, the crappy experiences, the painful tears... they all came through adventures I decided to go on one day and now make up my everything that makes me who I am.

So, Ma, you're right, five years ago I would have never guessed I would have been sitting at lunch with you in boots and a dress, but I would never would have guessed I would have ever be where I am and so happy with who I am today. I am full of a whole bunch of different things that add up to who I am... I am who I am. In the words of a dear friend

" if Darby was a painting, she would be a Jackson Pollock. Majestic colors, amazing motion, no two inches the same and all in all awesome."

Happy and Thoreau

This may come of some shock to you, but I am finally so incredibly happy I can't stand it.

No, I am not madly in love.

No, I did not sell the biggest account of my life.

No, I did not have some giant accomplishment happen.

No, no one showed up at my house with a big giant check for a million dollars (although that'd be nice).

I am just happy.

I think I finally reached the point that I ran out of trying to figure things out. I just said to heck with it, and went full force out into my life with a big ole smile on my face.

Maybe the past year wasn't the best, and that my be the biggest understatment of the decade... but what I went through, every tear, every angry yell at my walls, every disappointment, every s

car.... they all taught me so much about myself.

I had lunch today with a dear friend of mine and we were just talking about the new exciting things in our life and how fun it is to be at such a great place. We both had been through a lot, through relationship issues to jobs, we have truly experienced the low points in life over the past year. But the really neat thing is that both of us were sitting there with these big cheesy grins trying to tell each other how glad we were we went through all of that.

You see, in life, you cannot truly appreciate the good without knowing the bad.

There is no way I could have ever loved my job so much here at this new hotel without going through every single struggle with my old job, or even having it taken away.

She or I could never understand what we

want out of any relationship we have without knowing what we tried to 'compromise' on and what we found out wouldn't work for us.

Both of us at one point thought that where we were was where it was at. We both, at one point, thought that the relationships we were in were good enough to last the long haul... and though there was a bit of heartbreak in the lesson, the lesson was so much to be thankful for.

So with that said, I have found that I want to (in the words of my favorite author) "live deeply and suck all the marrow out of life, to put to rout what was not life and not when I had come to die discovered that I had not lived". (Henry David Thoreau)

All these things I have been through continue to teach me so much, but I finally let go of some of the hurt that came with the lessons and figured out (as did my friend), that we have a choice to be happy. We have a choice to let those things get us down or bring us higher.

So..

Yes, I am happy.

Yes, I do have an amazing job working with some great people.

Yes, I do have the best family and friends a girl could ask for.

Yes, I did accomplish waking up this morning to a beautiful day.

Yes, I have money in the bank and can pay for my house that I dearly love.

As far as I am concerned, that's all I need. I'm blessed. I'm happy with where I am today, and only look to get more happy as the days go on.

Friends

My life is at such a beautiful place. I have finally allowed my trials and past troubles be used for the better by giving God control and letting him mold me to who I am today. These days I would have to search for things to bring me down, whereas two months ago I had to desperately search for a hint of something that would truly bring me joy.

I have some of the greatest people in my life I could ever ask for. I have never once felt so blessed with genuine care from the hearts of others, some I know and have known for years, and some that I am just getting to know. And it all seems so strange to me. . . I once thought I had great friendships, and I did for the time being, but nothing like the true friendships I have now in my life. The other day I was thinking about all of this and realized the key difference in my relationships today... after being hurt since grade school by friends that would betray me, I had developed an association between friendship and pain, and as the years progressed I had begun to believe and tell myself that the friends were destine to leave eventually so I had to do everything I could not to lose them. That version of friendship is doomed to fail, and that it did. Over and over again my heart was shattered by people walking all over me or out on me, when that was the one thing I had feared. After the things I went through last year, the last straws of my heart holding my picture of me together, I had a few major life 'light bulb' moments. (the cool thing with 'life light bulb moments' is they happen naturally and by reaction, then months later you see the light bulb that has been lighting your path all along) Realizing that I could never control if people come in and out of my life, their purpose in my life, and their reaction to my care towards them, I discovered freedom in just being me. Freedom in loving people that are here with me just like I loved the ones before, but I have no fear that they will leave one day or I will do something wrong. I have smiles and laughter and thankfulness for the great blessing of each day I get to be friends with these people, each memory I get to hold dear to me for years, and each lesson they teach me through their friendship.

During this life we have the choice to be so afraid things will end or just be glad they are happening. Its a cliche saying, I know, but it is oh so true. I am thankful, so very thankful, for the beautiful friendships I have and being able to fully be a friend to each of them by not wearing the chains I did before.

My greatest joy has always been watching those I love smile from something I had a part in.... and I have never imagined how great my greatest joy could truly feel when it is so constant. Yesterday, I was able to be a part in an engagement between two beautiful friends of mine, these people are the people I have known the longest here in Bryan/College Station, and have been in love for years. I love them so much, and because I do I wanted to try to make it the best day for the both of them, and I think it was a day they will both remember forever. I almost cried when they thanked me, not from pride in myself, but because they were so happy. Half the time I do not want a thank you, because when I do things, it's a natural thing for me and my 'thank you' is seeing them happy... but when they do thank me, it's something I hold on to very close to my heart. I am just simply blessed to be able to have the opportunity to be around people whom love each other so much, and then to be graced with the honor to help make the day more special. It was a beautiful thing, the room was filled with so much love and laughter it was almost overwhelming.

So, as of today, even though this girl is far from perfect, far from being a mom or wife, and far from being all I've dreamt of being... I am working towards all of it hand in hand with the blessings from above called my friends.

Free

I want to be free. Not in my body but in my soul.

I literally want to feel the wind of life soar through my soul and embrace each moment, each particle. I want to fly high and above. I want my soul to be so full of the winds of this life, the beautiful gusts of lifes little blessings and the tornados of the trials.... I want to soar. To absolutely and undeniably be one soul that soars high above not to flee from the ground, but to take it all in from a different perspective.
I want to just go where the wind takes me. To let life, and His direction, be the only thing that takes me places--- whether it be to sour without having to flap my wings against the wind or fighting with every moment to stay in the air.... I want to fly.
I want to be engulfed in the beauty of this life from the perspective of the sky.... My soul longs to soar.

I want to be so free that my person can find me if he is only a free or gazing upwards to see me pass by and urge him to fly. I've always wanted to experience freedom with someone, how beautiful would it be to soar through the winds of this life with someone that enjoys the scenery and the freedom just as much as you do??!

I want to soar. I feel my wings are strong enough to hold me. I hear the skies calling. . . I have tasted and seen the beauty of freedom, but only briefly enough to taste, not to digest.

Let my wings be strong enough to hold me...
Let the wind help me fly...
I just want to be free

... And it keeps getting better

You know, I have been through quite a bit in the last two years... and man have I learned countless lessons from all the good and the not so good things that I have gone through.

A few things stick out that I really want to share:

1. Hearts are tricky things. My heart has lead me to lots of heartache, both romantically and in friendships. There is no map to a heart, there is no 'game plan' when you are dealing with a heart. Once my heart gets involved in something, all rules and normal life situations are thrown out the window. My heart has loved fearlessly and passionately to many things over the past two years that are no longer part of my life. Friends whom were family, a guy who I thought was my person.... my heart was so much in love with those people there was no possible way to prepare for them to be out of my life then, and if not ever really. With the trails I went through at some points I really never thought I would ever be able to be whole again. But the beauty of a tricky thing such as a heart, is that it simply cannot be predictable. At this point in my life, I still love those people whom are no longer with me, those people who their parting brought many tearful nights and yet beautiful memories... I still love them. They will forever be a part of my heart and I will hold them dearly there, in my memories. I never once could have imagined getting through losing best friends as much as I have in the past two years, but I made it! And I made it through it all with a beautiful relationship with my Jesus, some amazing sisters that never left my side, and a family that I wouldn't trade for the world. The whole time I thought my heart was in anguish alone, God would whisper softly that I was never alone. He would show me in front of my face by a friend holding me while I wept, calling me at the right time, an encouraging message from my dad, and sometimes just a beautiful sunrise.... I honestly feel that today, if you could rewind and ask me if I would like to go about everything a different way to avoid all the pain... I probably wouldn't because I would not be who I am today if I hadn't gone through every moment that I did. I think that's where people get it all wrong if they have struggles and pain in their life and they automatically chose to go the easy way if they got the opportunity to do it again. Heck no. I wouldn't know what true friendships were if I hadn't lost 4 best friends at one time just to look by my side and see the true friends standing there with arms wide open. I wouldn't know what I deserve in a man had I not seen everything I don't deserve, I wouldn't know what love feels like when you completely and wholeheartedly believe in someone--- even if they didn't think you were enough. Just means my 'person' is still out there.
2. Passion is there for a reason--- I've always been a believer in this. I've always told people that God gives us passions in life to direct us in the way He has made us to go. Those little things that bring so much joy to your life just by the mention of it are not there on accident. The hospitality industry is my passion. Bar none. I love it. I love every second about it, from working the front desk to booking a huge corporate client and visiting their offices, to dealing with upset guests and graciously accepting praise from happy guests. Every single thing about the hospitality world thrills me. It is my passion. I was blessed to get a job over 2 years ago in the hotel world to spark the flame of which would light the fire of my career. I worked with the same company for two years and was blessed to make some life long friends that came through the hotel, learn the ins and outs of it, be promoted and begin a journey that has lead me through some great valleys, but also some beautiful mountains. Being only 22 years of age, the idea of losing it all was not really something that came across my mind. I was passionate about it. I was doing what I was passionate about so therefore it would not go away. But due to some business decisions, I was mistaken. I literally felt like my world had been taken from under my feet and thrown on my head. I had put everything on hold for this job that I was sure would be a lasting career. I had missed family Christmas's, I had been blamed for being more in love with my job than my boyfriend, I had worked 18 hour days just to be there. . . It was my life, then it quickly was not. What I learned from all of that was probably the hardest of all my lessons I've learned in 2011. . . I had to trust in God with my whole life, to not take ownership of any of it.... my job was my baby... I said it very often when referring to the hotel... it was "my baby". And you know, sometimes God takes your baby... He doesn't do it out of anything but sheer and utter jealous love. I didn't understand it. Losing my job made me question just about every aspect of my life.... "was that really my passion?" "what else am I doing wrong that I think I'm doing right?"... It was a really rough few months. But there was this beautiful thing that happened while I was working a different job trying to figure out what I really was made to do... I decided to just trust in Jesus, to be joyful where I am at, thankful for what I have, and just live every day as best I can. I had spoken to my parents who had felt every moment of my anguish though this whole journey and let them know I decided I was going to go back to school to finish out and then find out what the world had to offer me, and in the mean time, try to find a full time job working back at the front desk of a hotel in town so that I could be in it again. . . I knew I loved hotels, I had tried something else and it was empty of passion for me, but I was trying to make the best of it. So I did exactly what I had told them, exactly what I knew God wanted of me... to just trust in His plan and go with what I feel like He is wanting from me (school + working at the front desk). And then, out of the clear blue sky, God blessed me abundantly with an opportunity to pursue my passion again... to be in a hotel doing what I loved and still finish school. I am just now coming out of my shocked and "is this real life?" phase.

The thing about it all, is that until we get it through our thick skulls that God really does have it under control and if we would just trust Him life would be a little bit less painful, it will be painful and confusing. I now can be so very thankful for every tear and questioning moment because it taught me to RELY on God for the things you believe in to be true, FOLLOW the direction He shows you, and TRUST He knows what He is doing. That goes for general life issues to issues of the heart.

There are still days where I miss old friends, wonder if my person will ever find me... sure. I have moments where I wonder what would be different if they were still around... but no longer do I feel empty when thinking about those things. It took God literally stripping everything away at different times for me to fully understand His power over my life and the beauty of a life that has been stripped and refined.

I am so blessed today to have the things in my life that I do. I have friends that know me better than I could imagine anyone knowing me. Prime example: one of my best friends buying me a cow shaped chalk board for my kitchen and knowing that I would absolutely love it. Ha. And knowing that my friends were there through really hard times, so they will be here through the good times too, and boy have they! And the blessings keep coming. I truly think that every day I find something else I am thankful for that came out of something that was truly a breakdown of mine.

Two years ago, I would have laughed in your face if you told me I would be here today.

One year ago, I would have laughed in your face if you would have told me things were going to happen the way they did.

Four months ago, I would have told you I wasn't good enough to have it the way it is today.

I am so excited to experience what is ahead of me. I pray that I don't try to take back control of my life and continue to just let Him have it all. I pray that this year brings more good times than bad, that I don't have to experience another heartache like I did over the past two years... but if I do, I pray that I will remember to keep my head up because I can get through it!

So, here's to 2012.

To the blessings I am encompassed by today, and the ones that will come into my life in the days to come.

To the hard times in the past that led me here, may I never forget what they have taught me.

And may I praise my sweet Lord for all I have and to remember, it always gets better...