I discovered something today ....

I know sometimes everyone goes through a light bulb moment in their life, it can't just be me. Especially when it has to do with yourself... it's like you know yourself, but there is a moment in time where your thoughts align with words that align with your core and create a beautiful moment of discovery.

THis morning when thinking of all the things in my life right now that I love in addition to all those things in my past that I loved and gave effort to.... and found the strand that linked all of it:
When I am involved in something, when I care about something whether I am involved directly in it or someone close to me is... I inadvertantly and unconciously go out of my way to help it succeed. Not in a selfish or egotistic way, not for my own pride, but because it comes natural when I care even in the least amount about something.
Some may take it is me being nosey, or just wanting to control things.... but as far as I know that's not the case.... its just I care and want it (whatever it may be) to succeed. I have never regretted one moment spent in trying to organize, help, or contribute to anything I have done thus far in my life. I absolutely loved stressing over Prom in high school and dealing with the drama so that when that day came, I saw how happy people were.... I loved putting together a surprise party for my parents and being secretive with people they love, so that when they walked in the room and saw all those people who have been in their lives for years and all they could do was smile... I love pitching ideas and helping other organizations come up with ideas to increase enthusiasm and membership among memebers.... and it even goes to personal things that aren't like big 'organized' events.....
I would and do love any opportunity I get to help out people in my life.... whether it be feeding them because I know their hungry, picking them up and taking them somewhere, giving them a place to stay, trying to help with money sitations, or even something as simple as handing them a glass of water when I see a need....

This is something that is second nature to me, yes I've known it all my life, but today it just hit me that I love this heart He gave me.... I love that no matter how hard I try I can't just sit back and let things happen around me, I have to be fully involved, I have to be helping/caring/loving/encouraging people around me.

I just pray that my heart is seen through every thing I do. I pray that people see my actions as my heart pouring out wanting to love and not Darby not wanting to be left out or something.

So today, I discovered my heart again...
:)

If only someone had told me that a month ago...

It really is interesting that it takes one simple sentence to change your outlook on something that completely encompassed your mind...

After a month or so of dating for the first time since Mr. Banks, I began to just freeze up and question things... which to some extent is good, but let me explain more thoroughly:

I had no doubt in my mind that whatever laid in store for me relationship wise, it would be different. Different from Mr. Banks, different from Mr. McCown, and different from any other time I was in relations with a male outside the boundaries of friendship. I knew I wanted to guard the special parts of me, to guard my heart so that no one would be able to take advantage of it, to not put all my eggs in one basket, to not settle but instead be the woman I am no matter what or who walks into and out of my life. So when Mr. Ely came along, I was nervous and very excited to be able to try this whole dating thing with a new 'clean' slate... or so I thought.

Quickly I realized the mission to be different took over the actual newness and clean slated-ness of dating Mr. Ely. My thoughts were not simply of what we were doing together, but more of what I was suppose to say so that I didn't get hurt and what each thing he said to me 'really' meant. I was worrying that he was going to be just like Mr. McCown and say all the right things just so he wouldn't have to be lonely right now... I was worried if I was being too guarded or not enough... If I was suppose to be sharing tihngs, or keeping them a mystery... where was the line? who has the instructions for this assembly?

So after a few bumps in the road from me being overly thoughtful about the whole thing, I broke down and called my dear aunt, aka the relationship/life advisor for Darby. After explaining to her for about a half hour on the phone my dilemma and how I didn't want it to be a repeat of anything in the past and blah blah blah... she quicky stopped me and asked me
" How long have you been dating this guy?"
I answered, "A month and a half"
"Well then just stop worrying about this stuff. There is no reason you need to worry about when and how and what you trust this guy with, just ENJOY DATING HIM"

It was like my eyes were opened, like all the smoke from the thoughts racing through my head suddenly had a flute to fly out of...

and on a deeper level,

I realized with that one sentence that she told me that I had become so afraid of getting hurt that I was not enjoying dating. In life you take risks, I for one am a preacher of risk taking; an advocate of chancing the pain to enjoy the joy. I had let what Mr. McCown did to me and Mr. Banks did to my heart get in the way of that. I had laid the bricks to my own road blocks and now see that they were not blocks at all, there were minor speed bumps, or even maybe just secret doors that just needed the right combination to unlock and lead me into something better.

So now, I am just going to enjoy this, whatever it is. I am going to enjoy being called 'hun' and 'babydoll' and kissed goodnight when I do. I am going to share things when they come up, and just go with the flow. If that means I may just fall, I pray that either the landing won't be so rough this time around, or Mr. Ely's arms wont be too sore from working cattle. ;) Either way this time in my life is a lesson learning time, this is the time to not be afraid due to the past, but embrace what He brings into my life.

So that's what I am doing.
It's exciting!!

Now, just to figure out where this Mr. Ely came from and why he's takin a liking to me?

A New Decade, A New Year...

Let's just start out with the DECADE part.... what?!

It's been ten years since the turn of the millinium, you know the time where people thought the world was going to end....
Over the past ten years my world has expanded exponentially and compounded memories daily... some good, some not so much... but each minute of the past ten years has shaped me into the woman I am today. These past ten years have been the best and worst of my 20 years on this earth. I hope to see many more decades filled with friends, laughter, love, and all things wonderful... I also pray to be strong through the tough times, to remember what all those difficulties have taught me over, and to remember the silence of my broken heart so that I can cherish the mended pieces.
Ten years.... it makes me feel old. I can remember just like yesterday a moment in time in each of those years...

Mostly, I can remember this past year like it's a movie played inside my brain everytime I think of it.... scenes of heartache, stomach aches from laughing so hard, silence that spoke a thousand words.... pictures and sounds woven together like they are part of a delicately and specifially chosen for that time and place by a master of art.
When I think of 2009 the one word that sticks out in my head is Family. Blood and Soul... friend whom have become more than friends, they have etched their way into my family. If ever someone tried to tell me that family is only blood, I would have to strongly disagree due to the proof right before my eyes. I don't know why I have been so blessed to have the friends I have, but I am... I cannot explain the bond us girls have with each other for I do not know the bond of sisters apart from them.... I'm sure it's pretty close to what sisterhood would be. These girls put up with me at my worst and best, understand me even when I don't get myself, and appreciate my goofy tendencies. I know without a shadow of a doubt that I will never be alone through anything. Ever.

This past year each and every day has been full of life and joy, new adventures and new lessons....

Here's a few of my favorite memories of 2009 (in semi-chronological order)

• Randy Rogers, Cody Canada, Wade Bowen... acoustic with my best friend and brother down in Houston at the House of Blues
• Spring Retreat with Hospitality and meeting all of those amazing people in my Huddle... Nick Pearce, Joey Dunn, Caitlin Saunders, Taylor Tullos, Jennifer McCoy, Wilson, Renee, Bridget... and soooo many more
• Girls wine night at my house that ended up with a dance off with me and Shannon
• New York City with my best friend, Jessica Walker.... Salsa Dancing and lottery for Wicked... poor hairs and personal assistants... Aspen Lounges and Bobby Flay cheesecake...
• Big Event 2009, Papa George making jokes about going hunting with Dick Cheney, and Joey being blown away that I was only 19 (at the time)
• Cupcake Crew... round 2 with the BSM
• Basketball games with Mike Fox... scary faces!!!
• Obannons. Period.
• Meeting Brittany Hrncir at Sweet Eugenes for the first time and then the next day picking her up after she locked her keys in her car and offering marshmellows to make her better.... we fell in love that day ;)
• Hanging out at Rachel Alldredge's house all the time, watching Private Practice and giggling alot... getting to know Bridget more...
• Spring Formal with Hospitality... all the crazy pictures
• Going out to NG/Obannons with Britt and Brynn.... being UNACCEPTABLE and not caring much
• Butt Fahking
• BBQs that were blessed with grass (in the yard!) and friends
• Yoga/Working out at the REC.... Rachel Yingst being so fierce and amazing
• Summer "love" and learning about shady people... Pong at Robertos... talking Cailtin into giving Robert another chance...
• Forth of July!!! Lake Bryan!! Bridget's date with the bathtub/toilet...
• My birthday weekend...... soooo much going on, laughing/crying... being treated like royalty by my dearest Bill, my (non blood) families meeting each other... a looooong emotional drive home.... "it's okay, we're happier in our lives than you are" ... all we heard was footsteps in a fast pace, then saw Jessica splash in the lake with all her clothes on...
• Moving into my apartment and out of the duplex of drama.... YAY FOR MIKE FOX AND GARRETT!!!
• River Trip #1... just the girls getting away and being free... "If you contaminate my beer.... I will probably still drink it!" - Britt ... sitting out by the 'fire' and just laughing... knowing we are beautiful and strong women no matter what was going on... Jumping on the beds, giggling, meeting cute Aggie guys that were there for a funeral....
• Realizing our lives should be a TV show due to the fact we always have observers where ever we are
• Falling in LOVE with Texas Country, stalking Josh Abbott.... seeing more shows than I have in my whole life and loving every second of it
• Going out with my boots on, dancing like crazy with out boots on, planking with my boots on.... and breakfast at the Kettle with my boots on (CANDY is so fierce)
• THE HANGOVER!!! Seeing it 2 times in theater, having amazing beverages the second time... realizing that it is our movie (minus the roofies aka floories and vegas....) ... the creation of The Wolfpack... RAWR!!!! and officially deciding on 2010 plans for a Vegas invasion
• Ziegfest... although all the memories aren't just great, it was still a day o fun and a night o mehiem....
• AGGIE FOOTBALL. Bus Pictures. Overall pictures/stares/comments... Mike Fox excitment... midnight yells that were unsuccessful but we were more than prepared.... Mason dragging Jess across campus... getting towed... Bowl games that were more of a fun adventurous road trip than anything...
• 42 at the Chicken... "how the heck are we still single?!"
• Shenannigans.
• Concerts that introduced us to more than music... cowboys and t-sips... I think I got the best deal.... ;) sometimes you just gotta take a chance... ' life's a dance you learn as you go... sometimes you lead sometimes you follow. don't worry about what you don't know, life's a dance you learn as you go"
• realizing that things change, but for once in my life that won't stop the love I share with the friends I have.... trust is a funny thing... friendships aren't always smooth, but the ones I have will always be there no matter if the road is rocky or level... finding out that it's gonna be really odd if the wolfpack has to disperse... it's hard not spending Christmas together...
• AGR boys and the wolfpack... almost like peanut butter and jelly...
• Watching my Papaw love my Grammie despite her breaking his heart every day.... knowing that I want and deserve to be loved like that. Cherishing my memories with all those in my life because life is not certain.... being thankful that eternity is spent in His precesence with those Angels who've already gone home...
• long talks at Terazzos... seems like that place is just dubbed the 'serious conversation, let's all cry' location

And then..... New Years.

It was something special to be surrounded by my friends when 2009 left us... we all had bitterness towards 09... but yet we all had fond memories of one of the craziest years we've ever had. It was a year of extremes. So standing in the crowd in Dallas with my best friends when the clock hit 12:00 AM... it was like all those memories flashed in my mind, put a smile on my face, then I looked around and realized... that was just the beginning... 2009, no matter how much we hated some of the things that happened, we all recognized that it brought the beginning of life long friendships, life long bonds that won't ever fade... and then, we looked 2010 right in the face and all said "BRING IT".

2010 could not have started in a better way. Granted yes, 2010 could have put $10,000 dollars in my account and that would have been lovely..... but it didn't, it did more than that... it showed me there is a tomorrow, that the grandness I felt in that moment was only the beginning... That I live a life that is still at work for a greater purpose, that no matter how much I have failed or come short in the past year, I have hope of this year being better. I have strength from the falls I have taken.... and I know my true source of joy... His security and promises to me.

This year has already found me in new places.... two days into it and I'm scared to death and happier than I've ever been in a relationship... I have the best friends a girl could ask for... a family that loves me even if they don't agree with some of my choices.... a dog that's the goofiest thing in the world but loves me unconditionally.... and only 363 more days to enjoy it and all the new adventures of 2010!!!