whompy whompy whompy

This weekend was a rough weekend.
I am emotional due to things going on in my life, I had an event to put on that pretty much flopped, and then ontop of that I had a few big hits to my bank account.

Sometimes I just wonder if things will ever go smoothly for a length of time longer than a week. I try to be positive despite circumstances, I try to harness the strength He gives me, but sometimes life just gets to me.

I think about things too much, I become personally involved in situations that are only set up to not have the best outcomes. I care despite the warning signs, I give everything I have to things that are important to me and even though it shouldn't matter much, it hurts when others could care less. In the midst of being caught up with my passions, I lose sight of the little things.

I'm at a stage in life where I am having to fight my urges to be jealous of some of my closest friends. I am confused and doubting in my self confidence. I don't want to be single anymore dangit! I want to have a relationship with someone, not just anyone, and not really looking for marriage. I want to know that I'm valuable and even though all my value is found in Christ, I am having a hard time feeling that due to the world around me. Singleness is great, for a while. Then it gets annoying and frustrating. I am such a relational person, I absolutely love to be in a situation where I get to share myself and value another. I have the best friends in the world, yes... but those friends and I don't hold hands, don't stay up for hours talking about things in life, don't just call for no reason, they don't hug me and not let go when I'm having a bad day. I want to be with someone, to ride in the passenger seat and let them steer, I would absolutely love a movie that I didn't have to pay for. This small and not so important void in my life is getting me down. The devil gets in my head and starts those stupid questions like "what am I doing wrong?" "is there something wrong with me that is repelling guys?" . . . that kinda thing. All while my best friend, beautiful as ever and practically glowing with joy, can't go out without having guys fall all over her, and not just in a physical sence but in a way that they WANT to be connected to her. It's beautiful to watch, but then at the same time, I'm going... well dang. haha
Do'nt get me wrong, don't hear that wrong. . . I am so happy for her, she of all people deserves to be sought after and pampered, she deserves every second of attention from guys that will treat her well.
just makes me wish she and I could share in that together in a way.
Please don't tell me I am a horrible person for that, it's just raw feelings. I am all about honesty right now in my life, so dadgumit, I'm just gonna tell you how I feel.

and yes. I am complaining.

This is the place I get to voice my complaints so I don't make anyone upset or so that people don't think I'm sitting here in self pity. This is my place to breath and be free of guards/walls/filters. I'm not going to apologize for saying exactly how I feel.

Wrap me up Lord.

Wrap me up in those loving arms I have walked away from over and over again.

Hold me.

Whisper in my ears that it will be okay.

Calm my anxiety and fears, for you have won this battle, my faith and life is secure in you.

Show me the beauty of the day.

Send me endless reminders of you love for me.

You say I'm 'irresitable, beautiful, and lovely'.... remind my heart.

Squeeze me while you carry me through this day.

There is peace and love in Your arms.

I just want to cry, let lose and empty my tears... Empty them into your hands.

Your shelter does not say that it will make everything okay, but simply that it will protect me from harm.

Remind me Jesus, love me now more than ever.

Hold me with such passion and strength that there will be no doubt left in my mind.

In my weakness remind me of the kingdom I have to gain in you.

Because after all, every night has it's dawn, every storm blows by, and each nightmare is only a dream.

if someone wants to encourage me, encourage me, if someone
wants to direct me, let them take my hand and lead, if someone wants me to
listen, let them speak to my heart

there really ARE men out there

I would just like to vent some frustrations.

Some people come into your life and reveal new things about you, things you might want to know, things you wish you didn't, but none the less, those people are important to who you are.

Sometimes you find people in life who challenge you, who push you, and who piss you off.... yet, in the midst of the battle you find some sort of connection.

And sometimes, when you stand up for who you are, no matter how much you care about the other person you are speaking to, you push them away. No matter how much you care, no matter what you've done for them, when you get personal and dig a little deeper, some people just don't like it.

Welcome to the problem....
Why do people in this life think that it's okay for them to run all over other people, but then when they get tired of it, and stand up for themselves, those people turn and walk away? How can one want so much control in life to walk away from friendships and relationships that were deeper than surface level?
I am so very thankful that my parents raised me to be someone of character, someone who cares, someone who can give without expecting, someone who knows that this world does not revolve around me (even if I absolutely want it to).

Thank God He showed me that I have the power not to just be trampled on, that I deserve friendships that are positive and encouraging, that work as a two way road and not one way only. He showed me that there are men and there are boys in this world. Boys come in all shapes, sizes, and ages. Men, however, come once in a blue moon, but they are out there. There really are nice guys who care about friendships, who aren't just out to get their own or into anyone's business, and who don't center themselves around drama.

I'm done with being played, I'm done with people running me over.

((and now I'd like a hug))

Checkin the Damage and gettin the check

Lately I have simply been overwhelmed, in every sense of the word... the combination of school, work, hospitality, and a social life completely got out of control. I wasn't staying on top of anything other than work and my friends, so everything just seemed like one big wreck....
So I had to step back.
I had to look at the wreckage to figure out how I could move on and not feel overwhelmed. It's not so fun looking at a mess you've made and then trying to undo it. But there is hope, I have a strength and a savior that holds my life in His hands and won't let it get to a point where I can't walk from the wreckage.
I had a meeting with one of my professors a few weeks ago and she really hit the nail on the head. Her words, her care, her concern for me completely blindsided me... this woman who knows nothing of my struggles was calling me out on not being everything I am meant to be. I had never experienced that before, and boy it really hit me. (in a good way)
Since that day, since hearing her words " I saw so much potential in you, but I don't know where it went"... I have felt like ten thousand pounds were lifted from me, I feel like I can face this, that I can handle this... why? Because someone believes in me, because someone called me out on not being who I am suppose to be. Because the truth is I wasn't being who I am. I was hiding behind the craziness.... lost in the confusion and not seeing clearly. I wasn't living with passion, instead I was living in the shadows of what my passion built.
But those days are over.
I am back.
I am here.
I am in love with the blessings I am given and although there will be some rocks in my way, some stones to step on, I have my eyes on my goals and nothing will stop me.