So I am beginning to learn a few tough things about myself, and realize that all I have seen others struggle with, deserve, and enjoy also are for me.

Let's just go with first things first:

Lately my girls and I have just been showered with a mix of blessings and curses. We have been through the extremes: one of us being broken hearted and one starting in on something new and refreshing. After sitting on the sidelines for a while, getting frustrated that there was no game to play or that others were in my spot, I realized that the game is not what it's about, thatI needed to sit there as long as it took me to realize that it's the lessons learned, the memories made, and the positive impact the game leaves on you that's what it's about and what it makes it worth it.

Meaning.... each girl out there, yes EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US deserve these things:

1. to be pursued completely and honestly

I feel as if I am a broken record player when I say this, plus I feel like this saying

has been told to every girl over and over again so we begin to not believe in the truth of this statement. But it really is true. I honestly didn't really believe in it, I thought that if I was going to get a guy, then I'd have to make sure he knew I wanted him and in order for me to know exactly what was going on I would put everything out there before I knew anything from him. But ya know, that's no good. I (as most girls I know) want a man, a guy who sees what he wants and goes after it... whether that be a deer in the field or yours truely. It shows character, it shows desire, it shows respect... when a woman is pursued there is no question that there is interest, ergo no doubt in a womans mind that she is worth it.

And then the cherry on top... honestly pursued. there is a difference in today's world from the guys who just pursue girls because they are good at it and know they can get their way, and the guys who seek girls they are genuinely attracked to and want more than just a fling with. Honesty is something that hinges everything. If you don't have honesty within the pursuit, it leads to a dead end.

2. to be treated like a woman of worth

There is a big difference in todays world in being a woman who is respected and held at a position of worth and those women whom are just there being women. Each and every girl/woman in this world deserves to be treated like she's a precious, rare, unique beauty... because we ARE! My Creator did not create me equal to man, but in addition to, as someting beautiful and desired to finish his creation. Don't you think guys should see that? I mean I am aware that Eve sorta messed things up, but that's beside the point here... she was created to complete Adam... soemthing rare and not identical to him, but something to compliment him. It's kinda like the best wine to go with the best steak... the wine makes the meat savory, puts the meat on a different level....

well, girls, we are the wine and those boys are the meat.... each beautiful on their own, each unique, each not free... but together they are complimentary and right.

Every girl needs to feel as though they are worth something wonderful when she is in the prescence of a man, especially one whom has feelings for her.

3. for a guy to see a woman, a girl, and a lover... something tender and fierce all at once and respect it

Every girl is a complex composition written by the most poetic author known. She is no something to be defined, nor can she be limited to one single analogy. No, a woman is a masterpiece, each strand of her heart and personality woven by her life's lessons, heartbreaks, fears, accomplishments, and loves. Each strand different but all her own unique brand.

Each and every woman out there can admit to having moments of feeling like she can take over the world, and simultaneously being clingy and wanting to just be loved. I know that I have moments when I turn into a child and act like a baby... while also making serious decisions and taking care of the day to day grind called life. We as women can be strickly independent while desperately desiring to depend on something and someone to hold our hand.

I need someone to put up with me when I am at my worst and my best. Each and every girl deserves a guy that can look her in the eye when she is fighting mad with the same kind of respect that he gives her when he is holding her while watching a movie. I can't stand it when I hear about some guy treating a girl bad when she is having a bad day, or not being able to just care about her when she's down and out. I've experienced that, and as most things, just thought it was normal... but guess what... ITS NOT!!

I am not saying that a guys shouldn't stand up for what is right, or not be a man in any situation, but girls are complex, we don't have maps, we don't have indexes, we are just us... the good, the bad, and the ugly. Everyone on this earth, man or woman, deserves someone that can put up with them.

One of the truest things I've ever heard lately " if he can't stand you being you 24/7, then he's not him".

So true. So true.

4. to be herself and still be admired

Like point number 3, every woman has the right to be herself completely and not feel bad about it. Everyone needs to be able to be authentic in who they are without fear of someone not liking them or wanting to be around them anymore. It is truely sad that this world has come to be a world that just wants everyone to be a cookie cutter, everyone to be the same, that doesn't embrace people whom stay true to themselves despite adversity, instead try to sway people to all acting the same when facing different sitations with different hearts and passions.

We are all unique.

Each and every soul on this planet has a unique life, a unique heart that is soley theirs. No two people are the same in beliefs, personality, and character... And no one, absolutely no one, should ever be discouraged from being true to themselves.

All of us can recall a time where they were true to themselves and there was a negative reaction from someone else. I can name plenty of times where I ended up feeling bad that I was honest or that I was just being me around people. That feeling is not one I want to embrace, I'd rather embrace the feeling of someone laughing at me then grabbing me and holding me close telling me never to change, or a circle of friends just saying "that's Darby for ya"....

Every girl has her quirks, and those quirks are what make her special.

So, no matter who you are, don't let anyone make you feel bad for being you.

(don't think I am not speaking to my own situations)

Be you.

People who love you and embrace you are the people you need and want, and those other people who don't can kiss it.

Through the trials and excitement of the past month or so, I have discovered those points, as well as others... I have found that guys aren't always going to be like the last one, and that sometimes, no matter how much you want something to work, it doesn't. Life is not mapped out, there is no manual or index for my life so I can protect myself from the next thing coming. It is simply just life, a life full of twists and turns, heartaches and joy... but one thing remains constant... the truth I have in my God and the promises I have in Him that show me what and who I deserve to be.

With that being said...

Trust.

Yuk.

I hate that word.

I have, just as of lately, figured out that I have some very deep seeded trust issues that are growing some buds in my life right now. I never really thought I had issues with trust.... I thought very wrong. After different issues in my past, after having my heart broken and being mistreated.... I find it very difficult to just let myself be happy. I am always second guessing people, even those closest to me that have never hurt me in any way. It truly sucks. I have found coming into a new relationship that my past heartaches puts up road blocks and completely shuts me off from being natural and myself around this person. This ofcourse makes me very upset, because I hate being fake with people. Even worse, the guy noticed.

This goes further than just guys, or friends... it even comes down with my trust in the Lord. I recently have found myself fighting internally about trusting Him and what He is doing with my life. He has done nothing but provided for me, loved me, forgiven me, and sheltered me... yet, I get scared trusting Him because the times I trusted Him most, were the times I was in the most pain. Those times taught me so much, but still hurt me to think about... I trusted Him to protect me from the pains I faced, but instead it seemed as though they were amplified.

And then when I think about times where I have fully trusted people, I don't honestly think I can tell you more than 2 instances where that trust has not been broken. Yes, I do realize that everyone is human and things can't always be perfect. Yes, I do realize that times happen and trusts get broken because things aren't always perfect. Yet I do understand that this life is far from a fairy tale..... but you see... my heart doesn't get that all the time. My heart still finds it hard to wrap around people lying to me, much less knowinly breaking my trust and heart with one sentance. My heart still believes that people mean what they say, my heart still sees the best in people despite all the warning signs they put up about the curses they hold. But then when the light shines in, I see all the writing all the wall that was covered up so neatly by the pictures of all the lies I was being told. And it's then when my heart gets crushed, when I doubt what I've done.

So you see, I have found a dilemma. I have found that despite how much I may try, trust is going to take effort, that people are only human, and that life isn't a fairy tale...
With that being said, life is a beautiful thing full of ups and downs, broken bridges and construction areas, new lessons and old memories....

So here's to knowing I deserve the best and looking at things in honest light...
here's to just letting things flow and learning to trust
Here's to all that have done me wrong and made me strong
Here's to all that have yet to come and all that poured kerosene on the bridge and handed me the torch
Here's to the new sunrise every morning, and the sunset that is never changing
Here's to all I've learned and will learn,
But most of all, here's to those in my life that have proven me wrong and stayed by my side.

whompy whompy whompy

This weekend was a rough weekend.
I am emotional due to things going on in my life, I had an event to put on that pretty much flopped, and then ontop of that I had a few big hits to my bank account.

Sometimes I just wonder if things will ever go smoothly for a length of time longer than a week. I try to be positive despite circumstances, I try to harness the strength He gives me, but sometimes life just gets to me.

I think about things too much, I become personally involved in situations that are only set up to not have the best outcomes. I care despite the warning signs, I give everything I have to things that are important to me and even though it shouldn't matter much, it hurts when others could care less. In the midst of being caught up with my passions, I lose sight of the little things.

I'm at a stage in life where I am having to fight my urges to be jealous of some of my closest friends. I am confused and doubting in my self confidence. I don't want to be single anymore dangit! I want to have a relationship with someone, not just anyone, and not really looking for marriage. I want to know that I'm valuable and even though all my value is found in Christ, I am having a hard time feeling that due to the world around me. Singleness is great, for a while. Then it gets annoying and frustrating. I am such a relational person, I absolutely love to be in a situation where I get to share myself and value another. I have the best friends in the world, yes... but those friends and I don't hold hands, don't stay up for hours talking about things in life, don't just call for no reason, they don't hug me and not let go when I'm having a bad day. I want to be with someone, to ride in the passenger seat and let them steer, I would absolutely love a movie that I didn't have to pay for. This small and not so important void in my life is getting me down. The devil gets in my head and starts those stupid questions like "what am I doing wrong?" "is there something wrong with me that is repelling guys?" . . . that kinda thing. All while my best friend, beautiful as ever and practically glowing with joy, can't go out without having guys fall all over her, and not just in a physical sence but in a way that they WANT to be connected to her. It's beautiful to watch, but then at the same time, I'm going... well dang. haha
Do'nt get me wrong, don't hear that wrong. . . I am so happy for her, she of all people deserves to be sought after and pampered, she deserves every second of attention from guys that will treat her well.
just makes me wish she and I could share in that together in a way.
Please don't tell me I am a horrible person for that, it's just raw feelings. I am all about honesty right now in my life, so dadgumit, I'm just gonna tell you how I feel.

and yes. I am complaining.

This is the place I get to voice my complaints so I don't make anyone upset or so that people don't think I'm sitting here in self pity. This is my place to breath and be free of guards/walls/filters. I'm not going to apologize for saying exactly how I feel.

Wrap me up Lord.

Wrap me up in those loving arms I have walked away from over and over again.

Hold me.

Whisper in my ears that it will be okay.

Calm my anxiety and fears, for you have won this battle, my faith and life is secure in you.

Show me the beauty of the day.

Send me endless reminders of you love for me.

You say I'm 'irresitable, beautiful, and lovely'.... remind my heart.

Squeeze me while you carry me through this day.

There is peace and love in Your arms.

I just want to cry, let lose and empty my tears... Empty them into your hands.

Your shelter does not say that it will make everything okay, but simply that it will protect me from harm.

Remind me Jesus, love me now more than ever.

Hold me with such passion and strength that there will be no doubt left in my mind.

In my weakness remind me of the kingdom I have to gain in you.

Because after all, every night has it's dawn, every storm blows by, and each nightmare is only a dream.

if someone wants to encourage me, encourage me, if someone
wants to direct me, let them take my hand and lead, if someone wants me to
listen, let them speak to my heart

there really ARE men out there

I would just like to vent some frustrations.

Some people come into your life and reveal new things about you, things you might want to know, things you wish you didn't, but none the less, those people are important to who you are.

Sometimes you find people in life who challenge you, who push you, and who piss you off.... yet, in the midst of the battle you find some sort of connection.

And sometimes, when you stand up for who you are, no matter how much you care about the other person you are speaking to, you push them away. No matter how much you care, no matter what you've done for them, when you get personal and dig a little deeper, some people just don't like it.

Welcome to the problem....
Why do people in this life think that it's okay for them to run all over other people, but then when they get tired of it, and stand up for themselves, those people turn and walk away? How can one want so much control in life to walk away from friendships and relationships that were deeper than surface level?
I am so very thankful that my parents raised me to be someone of character, someone who cares, someone who can give without expecting, someone who knows that this world does not revolve around me (even if I absolutely want it to).

Thank God He showed me that I have the power not to just be trampled on, that I deserve friendships that are positive and encouraging, that work as a two way road and not one way only. He showed me that there are men and there are boys in this world. Boys come in all shapes, sizes, and ages. Men, however, come once in a blue moon, but they are out there. There really are nice guys who care about friendships, who aren't just out to get their own or into anyone's business, and who don't center themselves around drama.

I'm done with being played, I'm done with people running me over.

((and now I'd like a hug))

Checkin the Damage and gettin the check

Lately I have simply been overwhelmed, in every sense of the word... the combination of school, work, hospitality, and a social life completely got out of control. I wasn't staying on top of anything other than work and my friends, so everything just seemed like one big wreck....
So I had to step back.
I had to look at the wreckage to figure out how I could move on and not feel overwhelmed. It's not so fun looking at a mess you've made and then trying to undo it. But there is hope, I have a strength and a savior that holds my life in His hands and won't let it get to a point where I can't walk from the wreckage.
I had a meeting with one of my professors a few weeks ago and she really hit the nail on the head. Her words, her care, her concern for me completely blindsided me... this woman who knows nothing of my struggles was calling me out on not being everything I am meant to be. I had never experienced that before, and boy it really hit me. (in a good way)
Since that day, since hearing her words " I saw so much potential in you, but I don't know where it went"... I have felt like ten thousand pounds were lifted from me, I feel like I can face this, that I can handle this... why? Because someone believes in me, because someone called me out on not being who I am suppose to be. Because the truth is I wasn't being who I am. I was hiding behind the craziness.... lost in the confusion and not seeing clearly. I wasn't living with passion, instead I was living in the shadows of what my passion built.
But those days are over.
I am back.
I am here.
I am in love with the blessings I am given and although there will be some rocks in my way, some stones to step on, I have my eyes on my goals and nothing will stop me.

... beautifully constructed fairy tale....

When I’m at the point of breaking at the place where I resign,

And I’m at the stage of shaking my head as I look back on my life,

When I’m halfway through the grieving, but not quite through the ache,

When I cannot see the ending

Or which road I’m supposed to take,

All I know to do is lift my hands to You.

I am a firm believer in the power of written words, maybe that is because I find refuge in words, I can be free without fear of saying the wrong thing, or maybe it is because when I write I write from my heart, there are no lies, no half truths.... my words are my heart. When I hear words that tug my heart, it touches me more than someone actually physically touching me. And the neat thing is.... people who love me, know that.... God knows that... that's why there are songs like the one above that pop into my life on nights like tonight, or messages from a friend that couldn't have come at a better time, or a two hour car ride lacking a single second of silence.

But the worst part of words is that they aren't always true. Words from people are always subject to hidden agendas, falsehoods, and deception. I guess that's life though. All aspects of life are subject to those violences against truth. The art is, and the beauty is, when you do hear truth. Truth resounds in my soul like thunder in a hollow oak tree. There is truth all aruond me, all around you everyday, it's just looking past those barriers, looking through the laser beams of fakeness and lies you can see the truth shining through. Truth has been surrounding me like a blanket, in the darkness of this night comes the warmth of true, honest words being whispered and shouted from every corner.

The worst part of it all is that I am scared of the truth right now, I am comforted falsely in the lies I've been hearing constantly. The truth is foreign, I don't know how to react to it when I try to think about it instead of just letting my knee jerk reaction to run towards it kick in.

What I mean is that this night is dark, it's cold, it's scary. I have truths I know and that I am being reminded of that keep me taking one step at a time praying that this night doesn't last forever.

I'm tired of answering the "how are you?" question with "alright" or " i've been better".... I just want to see that sun rise and feel it's warmth on my face. I dream about it, I think about it, my sisters tell me about it like they are telling me a story from my childhood... I look at the dawn as a beautiful myth, a beautifully constructed fairy tale that seems too good to be true. (kinda like the rest of my life)

But every night has a dawn, every valley has an incline, every nightmare is only a dream....

my fisherman can reel me in anytime He'd like

So I'll be honest, I'm not doing great.

I feel like a bobber in the ocean.... each wave pulls me under in a new direction, as soon as one is over, I have enough time for a breath, but then another one comes along, or my hook gets caught on something deep in the ocean....
At times the ocean is calm and gives me the chance to relax enough to not focus on the fact that there is a storm on the horizon. All along I know that somewhere I am attached to a string that's attached to a pole that is watching me, but I can't see it. I can't see my fisherman. All I see is ocean, all I feel are the waves capsizing over me. Sea water does not taste good.
He says to have faith, that He calms storms.... look at when he was in the boat with the disciples, the man was sleeping when the disciples were about to jump ship and pray for the best. . . but He just calmly got up, told them to chill out, and then told the storm to chill....
Well, I'm praying God calms this storm like he did that one. I am praying he will give me a break from drowning on a daily basis.
I feel as thought Satan is just hiding, waiting to attack as soon as I get a smile on my face, as soon as I think that I'm not gonna be overcome by these waves, as soon as I begin to float.... BAM! No sir! All of the world could be against me, but that string holds me up enough to not be lost. He knows my pain, He knows my struggles.... that fisherman, my God, has already won these battles with the waves. I don't know His purpose in all of this, but I do know that it is His purpose which is never to harm, but to give hope and glory to Him.

His Fight Conquers My Insecurities

It's amazing how and what He choses to teach through.
It's honestly mysterious how all of the bumps, turns, dead ends, gusts of winds, and pot holes teach me something.

I have learned more about who I am in the past 4 months that I have probably my whole life. I have learned about the woman I am meant to be... mostly through trial and error, but what's new. I have found out what I want and what I don't want, who is important to me and who really isn't, what I want to do and what I don't, how I want to be and how I don't.

I hate the aches that these things have caused me so that I would learn but I am so thankful for the lessons.

I'm proud of who I am in a way. I'm proud of what I have become when dealing with my heart. I am protective of the beauty and gifts He has given me. I am guarded and don't fall for the little things... I am no longer weary of what I bring to the table, but I proudly give a snapshot so they may be intriged but not be able to hurt me. Plus my heart is tender even though it is surrounded by guards. . . so why try to lay it out there just to get a knife put in it? I'm not gonna do that. Done that before, left it all out there just to watch it get taken advantage of. Quoted from a great song that I'm in love with at the moment... "I'm no body's fool anymore I'll do just fine out on my own/ the next one to come around will know, I'm nobody's fool." I'm not going to let anyone take advantage of me. It might be easy for me to let them because that 'warm' feeling I may get, but not anymore!

In life you learn to figure out how you get by only by experience and His hand guiding you. There is alot to say right now about what I'm learning but somehow I can't find words... even here. I am learning lessons about my heart and who I want to hold it... Him. My God who doesn't fail me, who is breaking me at the moment, who is faithful, and more loving than I can explain. He is teaching me about the daughter that I am, the child He has claimed me as...
... and man that's difficult for me to grasp because I do NOT feel worthy of that, I'm told all the time what I treasure I am, how great I am, what good things I'm going to do in life... and as soon as I start looking at that instead of why people say that I get all down and out. Why? Because when I hear those words I hear how wonderful people think I am (especially males) and then still see all that have left me and chosen others, I see that I am alone and it makes it feel fake and less meaningful. But the problem is that I try to take credit for that beauty they see and that beauty is not mine. That beauty is from Him. And it is through Him I will feel complete, through Him I will feel like a princess, a jewel, something worth fighting for. And maybe one of these days I'll see someone put up a fight for me here on this earth, but til that day I can see the fight He put up for me my looking at the ink on my skin: The Cross.

The fall cannot last forever

Well I jumped from the plane... only to wonder if this parachute will deploy or if there is a soft landing somewhere. I've done quite a bit of crazy things in my life, but this one takes the cake. I have never quite felt so.... so... confused. Am I doing what is right? Did I jump for the wrong reasons?
Only time will tell.

Until that time I know a few things are certain....
- the wind in my hair feels amazing
-I know that if I land softly or not that my god and my girls will be there to bandage the wounds and asses the damage.
-I will learn something from this, all of this.

I always learn from confusion, from heartache, from battles I do not win... it's my life. I don't think I can tell you one time in which I learned things the easy way or even thought about going the easy way in life. My parents can vouch for that. I am one of those people who does things the hard way... and sometiems that is to my advantage because through the hard way I learn things that some people never really understand their whole life. It's one of those cursed blessings I suppose. It would be harder if I haven't grasped that fact, it would be worse if I believed that I really did do things the easy way and it always just ended up hard... but not I. I know for a fact how I live... God made me stubborn, and sometimes it is the very thing that pulls me away from Him. My pride in my stubbornness jolts me towards myself and not my King. It's a battle I face every moment of every day. It makes me stronger and wears me out...

We are about to begin a new study by Beth Moore... Breaking Free is the name of it. I am scared to death of the ways He is about to confront me and break me, yet I know it is going to be amazing. We, my girls and I, are doing this together, so I know that we will be able to keep each other accountable and be in the refining flames together.
I guess this is a part of me jumping from the plane, there were so many ways I jumped when I jumped... so many things I was jumping from and towards when I jumped. I felt freedom when I jumped, it was the scariest thing I have done in a while, yet it gave me the greatest rush of adrenaline i've ever experienced. It was a rush of knowing I did it and being proud while being completely overwhelmed by fear.

Time.
Give it time... the fall cannot last forever.

Overwhelmed? Yes I do believe so

I can't hold back anymore.

I want to take the chance.

I'm scared because last time I took the chance I fell hard onto the ground and got some injuries......
but this time feels different. It may just be my blinders or the glasses I have on... It's just something about this.... some feeling I have. I don't understand it. . .

Here's the deal:
This is the time in my life where I am learning about me, I'm shaping the future of who I am.... the choices I make, the opportunites I take hold of and let slip away have the chance to completely impact my life.... possibly change it entirely. With that being said.... those decisions about what opportunity to let pass and to go for can be very scary. Without my girls and my God, there would be no way I'd make any decision... I would just sit in my room and hide away... but the cool thing is, whatever decision I do make.... I know that He is constant, and my sisters will be there for me.
So I think I have decided on this opportunity.... I want to come off the bench, I'm ready, my gloves are on and my shoes are tied.... Let the bell ring to start the match.... if I only knew where the bell was... or what it sounded like exactly.... (quite a dilemma if you ask me)......


plus... I am COMPLETELY overwhelmed... I need a breath to keep going... there is no break... tests start next week, work is work (demanding), and Hospitality is depending on me more than ever... I'm a wreck... behind on deadlines and when I have a chance to breath it keeps me from getting things done, but I can't keep running with no oxygen....

Pray for me. I need help. He is breaking me, and I love it, but it adds to the chaos that I feel in me... like one more thing I need to put on my list... yes, the top of it, like the very first checkmark... the lesson in priorities is killing me right now. I feel like everything other than Him deserves equal attention and demands mroe than I can give out most of the time. I need a clone. and a personal assistant. thanks and gig em.

Boots

I'm all about analogies lately... just ask my girls.... haha

So today Bridget and I were walking to the gas station to get a snack and some drinks... it has been raining here for the past 3 days. So naturally the ground is soggy, muddy, and gross. The grounds condition was slippery and hard to walk in, unless you had your boots on. Which, I did. Yay for me, right?
As i was walking, I wasn't worrying about my next step being a puddle or a pile of mud, I was just walking with my boots on. These boots are my favorite pair of shoes, why? Well let me tell you... Boots are amazing for the reason that you don't have to worry about the path you are on when you are in your boots, you're protected. And not only are you protected from the outside when it's muddy and there are stickers, but you also can have a blast dancing around the dancefloor with your boot on.
Boots have versatility and are more useful than we realize.
I not only am prepared for anything in my boots, but I'm not afraid.
Take a step back and tihnk of boots not being shoes you put on your feet, but the boots of your life. My boots are the my faith and my friends.
I'm always prepared with them, I am comfortable, and I am safe in the most dangerous circumstances.
My boots are muddy and scratched right now, but that just proves we've been through some deep mud and are still trekking, not giving up.
If I had a choice, these boots never would come off my feet, ever. And as far as I know, they won't. Life is more pleasant, more bearable with my boots on... whether it be driving around in Jethro, dancin' at Harrys, or walking through mud.


For anyone to appreciate me, they better appreciate my boots. :) Cuz they ain't goin no where.

Automatic Toilets

So I had an idea today... about automated toilets and how they can be relevent to life sometimes. This is not because it's nice that we dont have to flush our own wastes down the toilet, but think a bit outside the box on this one....

Automatic toilets.
Have you ever sat on one and then reached for something, putting your body past the censor and it flushed on you.... i mean you hadn't even peed yet or anything and the darn thing thinks you're gone.
Hm.
Isn't that life sometimes? We just move a little, still firm on our location, but something decides that we're done. That we've already done our business and it's the next person's time... but what if we aren't ready? What if for some reason we just move a little but have every intention of getting the job done. Life sometimes flushes us before we're ready. Sometimes it decides we moved long before we're ready, leaving us still needing to do our business.
I know this might seem a little off the wall and odd, but simply think about the times in your life where you've been flushed before you were ready. . .

Coming soon :
Lines from songs to make up my song describing my life... GET EXCITED

I don't know what to put here

..... I know writing is my release, but I have no idea what to put here. My mind is racing constantly with words and ideas but no complete thoughts.... Thoughts scare me. Why? Because thoughts are what means I'm thinking and thinking right now is dangerous.

"Darby just let go"
"Let it go"
"Lay it down Darby"

That's all I'm hearing from every corner of my life....
Letting go has always been a battle for me. This one thing has been so damaging and destructive that the sheer thought of it sends my heart racing and my mind running.
I desperately want to let it go, lay it down.... it's the process from WANTING to, to actually DOING it. This means I have no control, that I can't predict the outcome, I can't see what's coming. I can't prepare myself.... I'm scared. I have faith that He will control it, that He will take care of it and me... that I don't have to be scared because it's safe with Him. My head knows that. My head knows everything about that. It knows that I should be letting Him take control of everything, but the catch is my heart doesn't know that. My heart cannot completely wrap its head around it because everytime I've let go... maybe not to Him, but to others.... it has been thrown back to me with more force than I held onto it with. I completely understand that humans let me down and deserve nothing from me but me... we are all human, we make mistakes, no one is perfect....
I get it.
So then why is this so hard? Why is it so hard to let Him have it? The one Person who CAN handle me, handle all of my hangups and insecurities.... Him.
Tonight when I was sitting and talking to a friend I just let loose. . . wondering if He could just give me a glimpse to make this easier. I want to give it up, I want to let Him have it.... but I'm scared. " Lord you ask me to give it up, you ask me to trust you... my trust has been broken too much... I've trusted you before and you've proved trustworthy but then the lies of this world broke in and broke me away from You... I just want to know what is going to happen in the end, maybe not all of it, but just to know what I am suppose to do right now in this moment so I can know I'm doing the thing that won't hurt so bad in the end." Maybe its not a fear of letting go, its a fear of being hurt again. I hate hurt, i hate pain.... I can deal with my consequences to my own actions that I'm not afraid of, it's the consequences of other actions that I am weakened to.
I've been running from Him because I'm scared. Running because I'm scared.
I have a friend that keeps asking me why I'm so scared, why I'm so afraid, why I'm so guarded.... I have no answer for him other than 'why not?' or 'my past has pushed me to this, to this person I never wanted to be'. I don't want to be scared, I want to run free.... but these thoughts and these insecurities keep me back, keep me pinned up.
Yet at the same time, I've felt free. I've felt freedom in those questions being asked. I have never asked myself those questions, no one has ever asked me questions like i've been asked lately. I have loved it while hating it at the same time.
Can you tell I'm a bit confused!?
I am searching. I'm being broken (which is what I've been begging for).
Pray for me.
Pray for direction, for hope, for the run back to the right way doesn't keep fading into the distance. To be free again, to run through the valleys and the hills with my head held high letting the wind blow through my hair, pass through my fingers, and whistle in my ears. Pray for the let go.

Dont be concerned, just be in prayer. I'm already being confronted enough, all I need is Him right now. Thankfully He has put an amazing accountability partner in my life as well as a group of friends who love me more than I deserve. Be thankful and praise Him for our God is a jealous God, He IS the One who can handle all of me, that can swoop in and break through my walls and barriers and set me free again.

Thanks for the CHOICE

Lately I have been surrounded by people in the military... I don't know why, I don't know what really went down for me to know these people... but it did, thankfully.

I had never really thought of what the people who serve our country do for us... or who they are... it was like they were always just a thought, like a distant person I didn't know or have any relation to but sorta cared about because that was the right thing to do.

Well.
Not anymore.
A few of my good friends are in the military. They have actually served overseas and come back safely. These gentlemen are people of great respect, still kids at heart, yes... but they are men. Men who I have deep respect for and wish I knew more of their kind. I would trust them with almost anything, because believe it or not... we trust them with our freedom. The very thing we take for granted each day we walk out of our house, get into our comfortable car, drive to work safely, work in an office all day and then go home to a hot dinner and electronics at our fingertips.... these men, they put their life on the line for that. For more than that... for our future, for hopes of our children and grandchildren still being free and living comfortably in this great Nation. But the kick is, they do it WILLINGLY. They have a choice, and still go out to defend, to fight, to become more than just a boy with a gun, but a soldier.

My best friend wrote about this a few weeks ago, it got me thinking more and more....
these guys are amazing.
These people need to be thanked, although they do not want it whatsoever.... they need to be respected.
I respect those men in my life more than anyone else, not blood ofcourse. They have something about them, a poise, an aura.... a distinct marking.
One of these men has the idea and the passion of why he is in the army tatooed in ink on his arm to forever remind him and to show others... "No greater love is this for a man to give up his life for his friend" surrounding a military gun, a helment, boots, and a red/white/blue ribbon.... This man's life is not about himself when he thinks about his job. His passion. It's more than just holding a gun and running around, but it's in his blood, it's part of him, he wants nothing more to be part of something greater, to be part of something that defends you and I every day.

So to all of you men and women out there with the passion to serve our country, I thank you, not just because you put your life on the line, but because you chose to, you want to.

... at this point I would be completely fine with marrying a military man. yup. You heard me. There is just something about them, and its not that Channing Tatum plays an amazing soldier... ;) hahaha

Trust

So lately the word trust is a floating cloud above me.

I have been in situations where my trust has been broken, situations that I have questioned the very definition of trust and the appropriate usage of it....
See, when you have had your trust broken by people (( this is mostly about the male gender by the way )) most people would be very guarded in a natural way in order to protect themselves... well you see... I'm not most people. Every fiber in me wants to trust ever person I come into contact... but the reality of that is that the moment I do that is the moment I put myself out there to get hurt. So the remedy? Well. Be guarded, teach myself to trust but in a way that keeps my heart hidden and mysterious. Yet, this is something that is rare to me, that takes effort... the kind of effort that is frustrating, but that will pay off in the end I do believe...

I am enjoying the challenges my "love" life is bringing me. The last few months has taught me quite a bit about myself and my goals. I have been so incredibly blessed by a circle of friends that have helped me uncover the hard questions and face them with me. God knew what he was doing when He told me no when I was begging him to bring me someone that I could share me with.... and He brought me five of them... I call them my best friends... they know me. I trust them with all of me, I am at home with them... They are my angels.

So for now, trust and guys... well I'm working on it. I don't want it to be a cloud over me anymore... I want to just go with it... to be a mystery, be sought after, and for someone to let me trust them in time...

:)

Confusion with a shot of love

So I cannot tell you the amount of love I have felt today in the midst of some really intense confusion...
He has a way of giving that undeniable peace even with things are crazy. Not to say that things in my life are bad or are at a rocky stage... but just that some things are interesting. I am still learning. Learning in new ways, in interesting ways, but in ways that are teaching me things I would have never known about if it were not for the ups and downs along the way.

I am so blessed with the friends and family I have. After getting off work yesterday I spent time with my girls explaining to them what was going on in my heart/life, and man!! It was great... you know those times when you are with your friends that is so genuine and true... so authentic and in your face... yeah. That's what it was. They were asking me the tough questions that I never knew I'd hear, those tough questions I longed for someone to call me out on, those tough questions that made me uncomfortable but yet with the love they had in their voice when it was asked, it made it okay.

Here's an email I recieved from my father in response to my last post... I have the best dad EVER. Not only did this touch my life in ways I needed, but yet it touched my best friend and every girl I have let read it.... the world needs more men like this to encourage... to shine light on a subject that 99% of dads are scared to death to talk about with their daughters!
I hope this can bless you:

Can you imagine how God feels sometimes the way we treat Him. Wow, mind boggling…Anyway, my dearest daughter, this is why relationships are always changing and developing. The only certain thing is change will come---it’s just a matter of time. Growing up in this era is mighty painful and I certainly realize the agony but can only empathize with your situation. However, one thing is sure and never changing and that is that Almighty God has a prefect and awesome plan for your life. Sometimes the journey is difficult with relationships but one thing for sure whenever you follow God’s direction the joy and blessings and the touch of the Master seem to destroy the agony of it all. Be joyful and know that you are wonderful and that sometimes we have to turn over a lot of stones to find our frog that is our Prince. I love you and only wish you to find God’s wonderful, perfect , will for your life. Sitting the bench is sometimes the best way to rekindle your passion for playing the game. Watch the game intently , ready yourself, and when the coach puts you in the game, play with your passion with the understanding that from hurt grows strength and from strength grows power and from power grows wisdom and from wisdom grows love that is unconditional. Maybe the past has made you smart and conditioned you to only accept nothing less than the best---which I agree and will do my best to make sure that my darling daughter Darby gets the best. After all, that is God’s plan and I’m certain all the prayers your Mom and I have prayed asking for this one thing will be answered in His time and by your passion.
Love you,
Dad

I'm just a fighter who's out with a black eye

So, prince charming always has a dark side, he usually turns out as the worst guy ever, or prince "charming" with the charming side that lures you into a trap just to keep you there so he can play with your heart.
Ergo, why not skip the step of being trapped and played with and just know what you are getting into at the start. Why not just forget the "prince charming" thing? Why not jump right into something you know when you start? No hidden labels, no traps hiding in the secret garden, no chase into the barbed wire.... but just a guy who might not even run with me or pull me behind but can just walk through things and not have a hidden side.
Tonight my girls and I were talking and it just came to me... the prince charming, he's the one who screwed me over. The prince is the one who stole my heart and broke it. So... well, why want the prince charming anymore? Why want the only thing that have hurt me so much? So. I'm not going to.
I want someone who if he is just rude and not the best, atleast it's up front and honest. I can handle it if I know what I'm getting into. I can handle things up front, I can deal with honesty about the failures and flaws. We all have flaws, we all have failures, we all have parts of us that we aren't proud of, but i'm not going to hide them if I want something more than just friends out of someone.
Am I in the wrong here?
Is this bad?
I want to protect myself, I want to stay clear of being hurt like I have been in the past, yet with that being said.... I know that anything that is worth the time is risky and anything worth the risk is worth the time.... or whatever.
I'm okay with the risk. I'm strong. I'm stubborn. I can hold up to things as long as they don't jump out and attack me. I'm aware that hurt is something that is a part of life as well as the fact that you cannot have something good that last forever until the ONE who lasts forever.... I can handle that. Don't hear me wrong here, I understand hurt is in my future, but I just want to know it's coming. I am more okay with knowing that it's in the future with someone who is honest than someone who hides their dark side....

and I am a fighter that has to sit outside the rink right now... and man o man if it hard. I love the fight, but at times you have to step back and let your partner have his own fight. So here's to the sitting the bench.

The list of Lists.... The Bucket

To be completed by May 2011:

1. Slip and Slide on campus
2. Skydive
3. Go to Las Vegas
4. Sing Karaoke
   
5. Learn to play guitar
6. Get matching tattoos...(can be henna)
7. Learn how to play poker
8. Random road trip
9. Be kissed at midnight yell
10. Document inside jokes
11. See Zac Brown Band in concert
12. Messina Hof
13. Cooking lessons
14. Gruene Hall
15. Go fishing
16. See Marc Broussard in concert
17. Mardi Gras
    

God Bless the Crash Landings

Unleash your Joy.

Embrace Your Truth.

Pick more wild flowers.

Leap Fearlessly.

Collect moments of Kindness.

Ask for what you Need.

Speak of your Gratitude.

Listen to Forgiveness.

Surround yourself with Good People.

Trust your Creative Spirit.

Wear Red Shoes.

Let it Go.

Don't we all need to do that.

All of that.

I want to have this in my house to remind me of life and what it's about.

In the midst of this crazy life, somewhere through all the hidden bombs going off, there is a peace. I can only imagine what the sound of a bomb is up close... and that piercing silence that comes when you are too close... That scary sensory numbing silence that is the aftermath of destruction... I think sometimes our hearts feel that. Because in that silence, it protects you from the crashing noices and screams from the victims.... there is that peace, that silence that all you can do is survive it and take one step at a time. Forward. Forward to safety, forward out of danger and away from devestation.

I know that may be a bit gruesome, but if you really think about a time in your life where bombs went off and caught you off guard... there was that peace. That beautiful peace that the Lord provides so that you can keep walking and go to our Safety in Him.

Life is crazy. You know that song "... I love this crazy, tragic, sometimes almost magic, aweful beautiful life..." ? It's so true. Life is crazy in its tragedies and in it's victories. Magic seems to be just a arms distance away, and the beauty in life is awefully confused sometimes. Lately, it seems like in the midst of one of the best summers ever, I, and my girls, have also had some crazy things go on. One of my best friends said in perfectly the other night "It's like this is the best summer of my life with the worst possible scenarios going on". And how true that is.

I want to take every day for what it's worth. I'm tired of being excited about the future here on Earth. The only promise I have is in Him. The only future that is certain is my eternity. That's all we all have, really. Those things we believe are so certain in life are fragile and welcome to destruction. Those days where you feel like you have finally found that new wind that is strong enough to lift your wings are only fading. So take them as we may. Fly a little, but land softly. After a few crash landings, you find your way.

I've found my technique to land smoothly. I wish I didn't have to land at all, to be honest. Not so that I could just fly through life, because even in the air there are obstacles, but so that I didn't have to dream about flying so much. One day I keep telling myself, one day. But until that day, I will enjoy the gusts of air, the beauty of taking off and landing softly. And you see, this has come in handy. Because once you have crashed and burned a few times, you know exactly how to help those around you who suddenly fall and crash into this not so comfortable thing we call life. I know all too well the wounds that this ground leaves. I'm here for those who fall, and while we are all here we can enjoy ourselves and unleash our joy into the wind so that maybe all together we can create a gust of wind that pushes us up and onward a little more.

God Bless this crazy, tragic. Somtimes almost magic, aweful beautiful life...

...and God Bless the crash landings.

years and distance will not keep me from the memories we've made.

Life.
Wow.
Crazy.

Sometimes when you are at your lowest, that's when things surprise you and lift your spirits. I know not everything is right, and things are still on the upward swing.... but man, things are good. When I think of the past month there are a few words that stick out to me : laughter, memories, and friends.
I have been blessed with some crazy girls that are helping to make this summer one of the best in my life. After the summer I had last year, I came into this one with the thought that nothing could be worse than before, so no matter what happened, it'd be good. But let me tell you, it's more than good, it's great. I can give credit to my friends for making this true. I think that not one night goes by that we are not together, not one week that we do not watch a movie, not one hour we spend together that does not incorporate laughter that makes your stomach hurt. These friends are so precious. Each beautiful and unique, but when put together we all mesh into this big pot of awesomeness. The trials I face are nothing because I know I have to support and prayers of those friends.
Just to brag a little bit:
last week I was sick. I had felt bad for days and was getting a little concerned due to my condition. The whole time, I never once was alone. I had someone with me just to watch movies or try to keep my mind off of it. I felt so loved. When it came time for me to make the decision to go get some medical attention (don't recommend it, it helped nothing! ugh haha ) my friends were there to keep my mind off of things and make fun of me. Even though I know taking four hours out of your night to sit in a nasty hosptial is no where close to an ideal night with friends, but they were there. And if they weren't there in person, they were texting me constantly checkin up on me.
Or when I had to write a 10 page paper in a very very limited amount of time.... these people were helping me as much as possible... finding sources, editing my paper.... staying up with me to make sure I got it done...
Who deserves this? What did I do to be so blessed with friends like this? It is something I have always wanted, but never really thought it was real. But it is. The bond we share as friends is something that is rooted in an eternal love that binds us stronger than any other force. I know I can call on any one of them to talk to about something serious or just text them a funny quote from a movie we saw and know that we both were dying laughing no matter where we are.
These people are so special. Some I just met, some I've known for a while.... all I would do anything for in a heart beat. They have blessed me in more ways than they know. These are the people I will keep in touch with no matter what, years and distance will not keep me from the memories we've made.

:)

Perfect....

I have decided that country songs are just as bad as romantic movies. Lame!
They simply make me want that warm fuzzy feeling I once had, then I quickly remember the lies that were involved in that warm fuzzy feeling and then I get all upset and funky. I just want another chance to have a fun warm fuzzy without the pain at the end of it. It might be a while til that happens, I am aware... but man... it's everywhere around me but inside of me.
I am starting to wonder if I am that girl who screws it up for herself... ya know?
anyways...
country songs = bad news bears . . . but they are sooo good!
Story of My life.
ha ha

"The trouble with romance is takin your chances in the desperation of a downtown night... if you're lookin for a little affection, don't go waiting for the timing to be right." - Desperation by Micky and the Motorcars

I mean, will someone PLEASE tell me what this means!

Alright, so some things lately have interested me and confused me a lot.....

1. "You need to make yourself more available"

Let's just be honest here... maybe every other girl my age would be perfectly fine with this statment being said to her multiple times, and maybe I am just the odd one, because lets face it... I usually am the person to break all the "Normal" rules of how things are. Lets run through the reasons why this put a bit of a spur in my saddle:

1. The context of this questsion might just not help the actual line out much at all. It always comes when I am speaking of a person of the opposite sex in ANY context. . . and then BAM! It happens. The end all be all. The statement hits the person talking to me like the best apiphany they ever had. The answer to all my problems. Badda Bing Badda Boom. "Darby needs to catch that guy." Ergo Darby hears " You need to make yourself more available for guys."
   For real! Someone tell me what that is suppose to mean? Are they implying I should just throw myself on guys?? I'm sure they aren't and mean it in the best way possbile. . . but it bugs me for a few reasons.... Do they not think that I am doing fine in my singleness? Yes, I would love to not be so single, but at the time, that's not the top of my list to solve. After all the crap I went through in my last relationship, I am in no rush to have the possiblity of getting my heart torn apart again. Plus, I desperately desire to be persuded. To be Wanted. Saught after. And I realize that only happens in the movies or my dreams... but I also do not feel like it is a girls place to pursue a guy. If a guy finds me attractive or wants to see if there is something more in a friendship, I think that he should grow some and do that. Be a man. I'm tired of dating non-mans boys. I do not want to date someone who doens't have the gonads to pursue me. Dumb. So I will just wait. I will wait and have fun with friends, love life, and live the life I should. :)

k. cool.

Blessed

Lately in the midst of being completely overwhelmed by life in general and all the responsibilities I have gotten myself into, I have found an overwhelming sense of joy. I am so blessed. There are friends that I have that I would do anything for, friends old and new that are becoming closer. He is breaking down walls around my heart so that I can be more authentic with those whom I am close to.
In the midst of the craziness of each day, I have yet to find myself feeling lonely or alone in my struggles and victories. I feel like the bonds that are being made are lasting and true. A feeling that scares the crap outta me because usually as soon as I get that feeling, I screw up in some way. But the beauty of the fall of humanity, is that no one is perfect... things happen, but in Christ, in His body, we are all connected, we are all family, eternally. And through His love, we can forgive and love even more than we could imagine so that our friendships are deeper, lasting, and genuine if our friendships are rooted in Him. It's beautiful!!!

Man, He is good.
He has blessed me with an amazing family that I would never EVER trade, friendships that touch my heart and make it smile, new adventures, passions and responsibilities that will shape and define my future, long talks with the best friends ever, the past that has taught me who I am and given me the opportunity to embrace the newness of today, and most of all, His Word to direct my life and dig deep into so that I can know Him more. Gollee! Even through really confusing times, He shows me that He loves me and is in control. It's wonderful.

I am so excited about what this next year holds in my life and the lives of people close to me. Two of my best friends are embarking on the most exciting time in their lives.... MARRIAGE! I am so blessed to be able to be a part in this ohh so exciting time in their lives not only as a friend to help with all the stress of it, but as someone who is watching as two lives join together who are completely and totally in love and who also love the Lord. :) Next year at this time I will know two amazing Mrs. Lairds, one awesome Mrs. Hayes-Vargas, and two boys that have turned into men (( hopefully ;) )). For my life, this next year is full of events and adventures. Between Hospitality and the BSM I get the opportunity to lead in different aspects and venues. This time next year, I will be closing in on my last spring semester here at Texas A&M.... wow. The next 52 weeks will hold excitement, stress, and challenges that I cannot yet comprehend, but I do know that no matter what, He is in control and delights in every detail of my life.

How refreshing!!!!
Praise the Lord, for He is GOOD.

Oh! That's what those are for....

So you mean to tell me that you wear glasses to improve your vision?

Oh.
Okay.
So when things are blurry and out of focus... I'm suppose to use the tools that God has given me that are clearly defined for clarity and direction.... ohhhhh. Okay! I get it now. It's nice seeing clearer...

I had a few days of yukiness... still not great... I'm adjusting. Tuesday I woke up and forced myself to get out of bed and face the day... my mood wasn't great, but I was going. Then, as always, the Lord just reminded me of His faithfulness, goodness, and love for me. I am so very blessed. I have to brag a little... my dad is the best dad a daughter could ask for. Yes, I realize that every daughter is a bit bias, but I'm dead serious. God blessed me so much with a father that has a way with words. Sometimes his words are drawn out and lengthy, but meaningful none the less. I know I can always count on him, and my mother, to be there for me. It's weird, I never imagined wanting to be home or with my parents when I am upset... but this week was the opposite. I just wanted them to wrap me up in love, encourage me the way they do, and help me thought my confusion. So, in my selfishness, I was even more upset because I couldn't get home for a hug.... when I expressed that to my precious father... he simply said "dont' you feel me, I'm wrapping you up in my arms right now." I ofcourse couldn't help but cry and feel better all at the same time. It was great.
Just to know that people care, even when you feel like you have run off everyone that ever has is such a refreshing feeling. I know that this won't be the last time I will face those "demons" in my heart, but I know for sure that the lies I was hearing will not have as much power over me as they did this weekend.


It is so weird to be encouraged by my own words.
I write because it is a release, to see my thoughts organized and clear, to praise our Savior, and just to vent sometimes.... I never forsaw it being something that truely touched my heart in tough times.... But man it sure did.

:)

No matter what happens, I have hope in an eternal life with my Savior Jesus Christ. Life here on earth is nothing compared to eternity. The things I face today, the troubles my heart sees... He is there for me, He died for me... He loves me and has blessed me in so many ways that I do not deserve.... those troubles will NOT break me from His love or will in my life.

How refreshing!!

My focus was out for days....

Honesty. I have never wanted to talk to a therapist in my life. But today, I did. I wanted someone to just sit and listen, to not have to beat around the bush for a while so that I'm comfortable enough to break down and ask the tough questions about myself.... but to just cut to the chase. To sit down with someone and look them straight in the eye and tell them my thoughts.... my fears.... my concerns.... my questions.... and cry or scream a little.... then for them to be honest with me.... then I walk away. Hopefully better. But then I'm done. They don't keep asking me questions, they don't pity me, they don't leave me and there is no personal attachment.... This all might sound very unhealthy, but it's the honest truth in my heart today.
There was an issue that brought up other issues in my life this weekend and man oh man it's been eating away at me. I couldn't shut my mind up enough to sleep at all this weekend, then I was a zombie, a slave to my own torment, drowning in confusion brought on by my own tears and actions. Tough day. I was angry/frustrated/hurt/sad/agitated... just flat out lame. It was raining outside, which made it very easy just to stay in and cry along with the sky.
And so I did.
I sat.
I cried.
I slept, alot.
I prayed... constantly
I questioned.
I wondered.

But in the end. I breathed. In and Out. All day. that's all. Nothing productive, nothing destructive... just breathed. I existed. In the process of trying to figure out what the heck was going on with myself I wasted a day simply existing.

One more thing to be frustrated about.
Great.

You know, one day I'm gonna look back and all of this is going to make sense or I'm just gonna laugh at myself for thinking it was something that it wasn't. Or it is going to teach me something important.... whatever the case, one day I will look back at today and not still be in the same position. Until then... I just want to know some of the answers to my questions... or atleast know how to handle them.

Life is just an interesting journey. Some days are amazing, some are dark and painful. Some are a blur that never seem to come into focus.... Sometimes I just wish that the journey that led to today wouldn't be so darn confusing and that it could put together a map of the future.... but that's wishful thinking. In the end, I just wanna live a life that can praise Him and that even if I am battered and bruised, that I can look up to Him and tell him how I tried my hardest for Him.



((I have so much to write about concerning areas of my life... so much to get out, but as you might can tell, today is just not the day to try and decompartmentalize it all. ))

(( VENT SESSION ))

At the moment I am completely and totally frustrated.
Earlier I was telling a friend about being frustrated about how leadership was not being played out in a way that I felt leadership was suppose to be handled.... and then was completely and totally caught off guard by his comments. Not only did his comments catch me off guard, but less than a month ago, my brother had said some of the exact same things. Things that I feel like are completely opposite of how I intentionally try to be...

"i'm gonna be bluntly honest, because while sometimes it sucks to hear things, it helps in the end.... so yeah... you can smile more. i know you smile when you see me, or go give a huddle member a hug. but ng and waiting for things to happen your face doesn't put off the happy vibe. it has nothing to do with whether you are actually happy, but peoples perception of you. so smile. it never will put you in a bad mood to smile. also,.. and this may be the more harsh part... you need to try not to get offended. hospitality is an organization with a lot of people who reallly enjoy partying and reallllly enjoy doing crazy stuff. (using bad language is something they do too) but what i'm saying is even if somebody is upsetting you, you may just need to put on a happy face and act like things arent' that bad. i know that isn't you. i know that isn't what you do. i know you try to live your life on your outside but, a look here, or a whisper there... it is all about how people perceive you. not about what you DO, but what people think your intentions are.in the end all that matters is between you and God. so i'm not going to ask you to do anything that would contradict that, or put you in conflict. If you can't find a medium, then be who you are."

All of this was said in honesty and with a pure heart. I know it. And I want to believe all the things Dawson said to me where of the same intentions... but neither one of these people know how hard I try, how much I think about my actions, my words, my life.... this wouldn't be so frustrating if i didn't think about it so much, if I didn't desire to refect something bigger than me in my daily action..... but here I am. Failing. Failing. Failing.

Part of me feels like I am being attacked. That the devil is taunting me. Yet the other side of the coin is that if people see me like that, how can they see Christ? How can that glorify God?

(Breath)

I am just frustrated. The core of me is in a knot. I want to cry, yell, punch something, go run, or just be held. Yeah. Be held. ha. joke. That's another frustrating thing. I cannot seem to get memories to leave me alone. they all seem so real, sometimes I can feel them.... sometimes I can literally taste or smell the memories.... It has almost been a year, isn't this suppose to be gone by now? I hate it. HATE HATE it.

What is wrong with me?

Lord, hold me. Better yet, please give me your peace. I am struggling. I am waiting for something I deserve but while I am waiting, I am being tested.... I need your strength. I need to know this is of you. Show me yourself in this Lord. SHOW ME. You are Great, You are all things Good and Just, You are Righteous and Holy... and I am YOURS..... so Lord Jesus... show me yourself in this. I love you and just want to be whole in you and to be able to stand firm on knowing that I am not a failure in your eyes ,but your beloved...

Unstoppable, Unshakeable, Unchangeable.

Why is it that God, the creator of the universe, loves me so intimately? Sometimes I find myself not wanting to call Him God because it seems so distant and my God is NOT distant. He is so close to me, I crave His presence, I crave His direction, I long to hear others say His name. He is not just God to me, He is everything. Sounds cliche and like every worship song has that verse in it, but it is true. I think that the words "He is everything" is simply a way to voice something that is completely incomprehensible and too big for words, so by saying that He is everything it encompasses all that we are trying to say... but He is more than my everything... I just wish I could put into words how I feel about my Jesus, my Savior, my love.
I just want to fall in love with Him over and over again. To seek His power, His guidence, His hand to hold, His light to lead, His grace to cover me, and His truth to set me free is all I want. I would be perfectly fine just having time with me and Jesus all day every day because he ceases to amaze me and know me better than myself when I just sit and listen. He is so amazing.
But you see, this relationship and love I have for Him is not something I want to keep to myself. I am having difficulties with this area. I simply want to love on people and be set apart, be different, shine for Him. But sadly, I am human. I fail . Miserably I fail. I feel as though I have been completely unfaithful to my heart and my God. I absolutely hate that. I need help. I am praying for discipleship that is deep, Godly, and loving. He has provided friends that I had prayed earnestly for, and I know He will provide in this. I just am anxious, and impatient because I am really really needing and wanting help and guidence. I feel as though I was so lucky and blessed in High School by this amazing group of adults that loved me, discipled me, gave me living examples of living Godly lives, and blessed me beyond belief... and now here I am desperately wanting that back and not really finding a resource to tap into for elder guidence and direction. I am not saying that direction and guidence from my peers is bad or less important, but I just really feel the need to have some good role models in my life that have a personal investment in me.

Please pray for me. Pray that I would be a decon of light that is not fading or pointing in the wrong direction. Pray that my godly life will speak louder than any of my words and that I would just be quiet and let that happnen. Pray that I have patience about this single thing going on, and pray that whoever God is preparing for my husband ( if he IS preparing someone for that ) that He is growing closer and closer to our Savior. Pray that God would direct me clearly and I would know what i am doing this summer. Pray for discipleship and someone to invest in my life in a Godly way.
thank you so very much.

Free To Be Me

You know those moments when you wish there was a tape recorder in your head? Whenyou wish you could record every thought going through your head so that you don't miss anything when you are trying to talk it out?
... well.... that's the point I'm at.

Last night I should have written because now I am jumbled and can barely form a sentence that makes sense. There are no subcategories to break my thoughts down into, they all bleed together in some form or fashion. Where's the lines?! I like the lines in the coloring books... i mean you always have the option of following them, but they are there as little dividers for all the different colors....

I can say that I just got back from NYC...
I cannot express how or why I love that city so much, but I do. I got a quick fix for my cravings to be there.... way too short, but great. I got to go with a dear dear friend of mine and will never forget the memories we made just standing in line for tickets or drinking coffee at a random coffee shop...
It's so interesting to see how different things are and how different people are. And then to realize that we are in the same country as what we left behind.... seems like the two places should be on different planets.

I feel like I have been under attack... that the Devil has just been after me and some of my friends. I feel that I have fallen under his lies too.... The song "Free to be Me" by Sarah Baraleias ((( no clue how to spell her last name ! ))) is my theme song for life, except right now I feel as though I am focusing on my dents in my fenders and the tears in my jeans rather than letting the beauty of knowing I am in my Fathers hands sink deep into my every pore.
God has humbled me in many ways over the past few weeks. I have realized that people are people... I am not here to be their referee nor their coach. I am simply here to play the game and pray that I have good teammates on the court with me. I am aiming to live a life that glorifies Him in all I do, but I am simply human and just because someone around me isn't at the point in their life that I am doesn't mean that they are less than me or that I have a "one-up" on them. I knew that in my head but it wasn't sinking into my heart.
I desperately care for everyone around me... it isn't easy, it doesn't come natural, and I don't like it because it just complicates my own feeling half the time. Because due to the ironic fact that I am human I sometimes just wanna be angry at people that hurt me. Sometimes I just want to let people know how much it hurt and I want them to know how hard it is for me to deal with a circumstance that I am in with them... and sometimes I just wanna throw up my hands and say "I JUST DON'T CARE ANYMORE"... but you see even none of those things would make anything better in any circumstance. And I am finding that some circumstances cannot be fixed be me, I just have to wait it out and go with the flow trying not to cause anymore friction against the current.
All of this to say I believe that it is also okay to stand for what you believe and stand up for it. So unfortunatly there is no mathematical problem for life, there is no a+b= c or anything close to that... sadly. I really wish there was, even if the a and b were lost somewhere and had their own equations to them... it would still be a simple solution... but instead life if one of those things that there are lots of different ways to get to the same destination (( not talking eternally here )) and lots of different ways to get lost ... and you are never really guaranteed that you will end up in a certain location.

Okay I really need feedback/venting on a few things... so here goes my attempt at "subcategorizing" my mixmaster of thoughts:
(( keep in mind these are raw feelings/thoughts and by raw I mean tomorrow I might be a bit more rational about them ))

- Honestly... I am really not a fan of this single thing much right now. I really want someone to talk to the way I could talk to this guy I dated for a while. . . . --- I am trying not to say his name because maybe then you'll get the idea that I am over him but still have memories with him... and maybe then my brain/heart can get that memo too --- I was spoiled. I had someone there for a year that would listen, that I could bring dilemmas to, desicions that I needed "help" with, ideas I needed to talk to someone else about, feelings that that person understood without me having to try to describle. . . and now.... I am simply longing to have that converastion. God has brought lots of people in my life that I can talk to and that I connect to but none the way I connected with him. And I pray so much, I write my prayers for a more intimate feeling, but sometimes my hand can't write fast enough and sometimes there are just no words to explain things. And then when I pray, I don't get that hug, that sqeeze of my hand, or that look that says " I understand what you are trying to say and I'm here"... I simply get this feeling inside like I was heard and He knows but then .... silence. I once was a lover of that silence.... but now it gets annoying. I want a hug!!! I want a hand sqeeze!! I want a response in ways I hear!

And I am flippin tired of things reminding me of this person. I am tired of the memories flooding me. They are so sweet, but with a really bitter aftertaste becaues they are simply memories and to be very honest, I am scared that's all they will ever be and that they won't be replaced. I need replacing to happen because those memories are so beautiful. Why did it have to be so beautiful? You know, I mean why couldn't that relationship have just been alright and the memories so-so. Lets be honest, that would make things sooo much easier. haha I love when I get to the point where I just absolutely have to laugh because if I don't I might just find myself curled up bawling over something that will not ever change.

I really do want to know if this feeling will ever change. Will this fade? Or am I always going to know how much I loved and felt loved by this one individual? I just want to know if it is normal or not but I don't know how to properly describe how I feel without making it sound like I am still not over this person... meh.


Onward and forward....

This summer.
That sentance annoys me.
It is incomplete.
Grr.
Its a way that the Lord is showing me that He is in control completely and that I actualy get to act out the faith in Him by trusting completely that He will show me the way.
So that's what I am doing.
Following Him step by Step.
Psalms 16:9
Psalms 37:29


People/Drama:

I just am not a fan. Its exhausting. I really would love to sit down with people and just let things be out in the open and try to be mature about things. I understand that I may not be completely mature all the time about things and that I may add to drama at times, but let's just be honest.... I hate it. I hate all of it. I am a fan of honesty. I do my best to hold my side of that deal up.... but that's the only thing I can control. Period. I can control myself, and deal with myself... but it'd just be easy to have a blanket of dealing with everything or to know everything that is going on... like not what people "say" is going on but what really is. Just be real. Don't be dumb. Be honest. Don't be gossipy. If you are going to follow the Lord, do so, if not, he'll literally "spit you out".... pick a side. I pray that I do these things, and if I do'nt that someone will confront me on those issues. I'm not a fan of the confrontation, but who is. I am a fan of learning and moving forward.
Am I one of five people I know that feel the same way? Or are we the "odd ones out" and the way that others act is the "acceptable way"?
Just wondering.


Life....
It just all boils down to He is in complete Control. Period. The end. He is all that matters. He is the truth, His word is the truth and the judge. I will answer to Him and I will be convicted by the Spirit. My life is not about making money or doing what I want, but about glorifying Him in my decisions and following what He wants for me. His way is not comfortable or accepted as normal, but it IS rewarding.
THAT is the only thing that brings me peace. In the middle of it all, I know that He is constant, real and everlasting. :)

I AM HERE

I'm just a girl in need of her savior and love to sweep me up in His wings. I feel as though He is hovering over me saying "I am here. I am the wind in your hair, I will rescue you, but for now, you can do this because I AM HERE."

He has a plan. He has everything under control. He loves me. This is not about me, it is and ALWAYS will be about bringing HIM glory.
I feel completely overwhelmed.... confused.... and like I just want Him to pick me up and take me to His mountain so that I can wait for Him to pass by and speak to me in the silence.

Lord God.... I need you. I need your peace. I am weary and coming to you for rest. Why can't I just come to your feet and everything fade away? What is going on ? I feel like David weeping and crying out to you wondering where you are, knowing you are there, but not being able to feel your peace in that moment. You are Sovereign. You are Just. You are all that is good in life. Help me find satisfaction in You and You alone. Break down these things around me that keep me from experiencing everything You offer me.

Thoughts are consuming

Lately I have wanted nothing more but to sit and either read or have discussions that are deep and thought provoking. Never before in my life have simple conversations annoyed me, nor have I ever muttered the words "I just want to read". . . but here I am. There have been things going on that I just want to think about, or to seek knowledge about because I know I do not have all the answers.
I am being challenged in so many ways.... some I am embracing gladly, some I cannot wait to overcome. I am being grown and stretched and dug into.... all I can seem to think about for more than five minutes are things He is trying to teach me... I want to know. I want to know more about Him, I want to know how to love Him better, how to love you better, how to look more like Christ in this world... and not only that, but I want to do that in EVERY ASPECT of my life. Really. I want to be able to be spied on an still glorify the Lord when I am alone in my house playing with Mason (( my dog )). It is an odd feeling. I am so in love with my Savior. I want to please Him, to be His in ever aspect..... but that also means I have to fight things that are part of me that seem to be the exact opposite of those things. I have to willingly say no to myself, and I do sometimes, but not all the time. Sometimes I fall and don't glorify Him, I don't remember how great His love is... I get "out of the mood" to love Him. It is really no different than any other relationship in some aspects..... you know when you are in a relationship with someone who you love without a shadow of a doubt, that you are head over heels in LOVE with them.... but there are moments where you spend all your time with them and you just don't show them you love them when you get an opportunity.... and it isn't the "you are always trying to show them you love them because you HAVE to" but the showing someone you love them, simply because you want them to know and never doubt it.
It's like that way with Christ. I want to do everything I can to show Him I love Him.... because He loves me eight billion times more that I can imagine, AND because I really do love him with everything. He makes my heart dance when I hear songs about Him (the way your heart flutters when you hear your special someone's name randomly in the day), He floods my heart with love and comfort when I am frustrated (like when you are angry and your someone just holds you and all that tension inside of you flows out), when I hear how He is loving someone else I can hardly hold back my tears ( like when that someone helps someone else out just because and all you want to do is say "He is my ____, isn't he great?).... I love my Lord. Not only do I love him because He is lover and friend, but because He is also my savior, the creator God, and my hope.
When you sit and think about it, it is overwhelming. And then it is so frightening to see that sometimes our lives don't even reflect how overwhelming it is. To continue to use the analogy... it's when you get in a relationship with someone, you want people to know. . . you do things in public together, you show them off to the people in your past, you tell everyone you know when you aren't with them..... But when it comes to being in a relationship with God who is perfect, that loves us better than anyone else can.... we hardly let people know. And the other crazy thing is that unlike a relationship with a special someone that you don't want others to be a part of and you want to keep it all to yourself because you know that person cannot love anyone else like they love you and vise versa.... well the relationship with Jesus is for EVERYONE... and I am glad to share it, actually, I WANT you to have it because it is the best thing ever......

But do we live like that? Do I live like that?!

Also, I am stuggling with just wanting to go. More than ever before, I just want to go and see... to meet people, to love on different people in different places, and to see what all He has out there.... and the only things stopping me are money and this whole "getting a degree" thing. I find myself wanting to just leave and see where He takes me. To sell everything I own (or give it back to my parents ) and just go. Who knows, right? I mean... really. I just want Him to take me where ever He wants me to be.... and I guess the idea of it is simply to be able to follow Him, which can be done at a smaller more realistic scale, I know, but the grandness of just giving everything up and going .... woah. Those of you who know me, know that this isnt' a surprise or something that should come to you shocking. But unfortunatly, I find myself being in a prime position to do such a thing.

Who knows!!

Love you....

Notes from a sermon on Character

• Talent without character is worthless.
• God chizzled character into David.
• Only a heart that loevs people is the one that can follow in God's true character.
• What is going on in your heart is more important than anything else.
• You can do the most beautiful Christian things that are worthless because the motives are all wrong.
• "Help me be more and more kind to people who do not benefit me socially. Grow my heart in Passion (psalms 137).
• My ability to have character is a miracle, it is through the spirit of the Lord.
• Character is COSTLY.
• You have to learn to love and serve people who could care less.

Whew!

Wow.
What a week.... again.
This week was such a huge week for me spiritually and emotionally.

(( I am going to pause and vent for a second... I wrote this real long, beautifully worded blog about an event this week.... and stupid blogspot didn't post it nor save it! I was so upset, and still am in a way!! It's not fair!! There is no way I can word it again like I did... so, I am sorry that you will not get to get the full effect of what happened due to technology!))

Anyways.
This week was the first week of school in my 4th semester at Texas A&M University. The first semester of 2009, and the second semester of the new and improved single Darby.
Can we just take a second to think about that. Woah. Time flies. And PRAISE THE LORD that it does. There have been many hours that I really did believe I couldn't get through another minute. But look at me, I am here. Those days flew by, especially the good ones, and thankfully the bad ones too. I am so thankful for all that I have been though and all He has showed me through everything, and all He is doing inside of me.

Back to this week...
Tuesday was the first day of school, and more importantly the first Breakaway of the semester. I was so excited to go and get some good lovin time in with the Lord and a few of my fellow classmates. I cannot even tell you how much I was ready for that night and experiancing the Lord gathered in that place....... but the way He was going to show up to me was different than I was imagining it. About five minutes after I sat down and 10 minutes before Breakaway started, Daniel came down the stairs next to me and sat two row infront of me. ( insert awkward knot in stomach here) You can only imagine the things that were going through my head. "LORD REALLY!? WHY!? He isn't suppose to be here, or atleast not to where I can see him. Lord I want to focus on you.... and now this person that still hurts me to think about is sitting perfectly to where I cannot get him out of my perifial vision. THIS IS NOT FAIR!" .... Yeah. Wow. So after a minor breakdown and one of the best hugs from one of my favorite people ever, I got control. This time was for the Lord. I needed to be strong. (knot in stomach has not gone away) After we sang a few songs, Ben got up to speak. We are going to be learning about David this semester, and we are starting by looking at his Character. ((yeah, you just read that right, CHARACTER.... the very thing that, if given the chance, would have thrown in Daniel Bank's face... and now, the Lord let him be in my sight while listening to this sermon.... gollee gee bob... )) Well, the Lord began to speak to my heart. To pull me, to tighten up the knot in my stomach.... I had to speak to Daniel once and for all. I had already made my mind before leaving breakaway. On my way home, I had riden with a dear sister of mine, and she just pounded out truths to me. Truths about why I still hurt about Daniel and I, why I was blessed with the heart I have; things that I knew the Lord was speaking through her. It was so encouraging. When I arrived home, I called my brother and told him what I was going to do (( I did this for a few reasons, and I will get there later)). The moment of truth had come.... I was going to dial Daniel's number.
-- I am going to pause and tell you what my deepest fear about this moment was and how I saw the night playing out.... : I was convinced that there were two options of how the night would go. First, I was going to call Daniel, and he was not going to answer. That he would completely ignore me and nothing would ever happen.... EVER. That the way things are was the way it would always be with Daniel and I. Second, if he actually answered and agreed to meet face to face... He would meet me there, but be so cold and shut off that nothing would happen. That he would sit down, look at me, say "okay I'm here, what do you want" ... that he would "listen" to my concerns/questions and then say "Sorry Darby. I hate you feel that way. Goodnight." and walk away. I honestly thought that was how it would be. That I would put myself out there to look him in the eye again only to be beaten down again. . . --
But, Daniel answered. I never told him who it was, and he knew it was me. He was willing to meet, he was not cold yet not inviting either. So, at 10:30 Tuesday night, we agreed to meet at a coffee shop so that I could ask him "a" question. I arrived before did only to get the daunting task of watching him walk towards me with a look of sheer fear, probably a mirror image of what was on my face. . . We sat, did the small talk thing for a little, then . . . it was time for me to ask him. Time for me to question his character. Time for me to look this person who had hurt me so deeply and ask them how they lived with themselves.... but not in a demeaning way, in a concerned/reverent way. ((insert knot growing and feeling like it was about to explode)) He looked me in the eye and spoke. We were both angry, hurt, and not happy with the way things had happened. For the first time in 7 months I saw and realized that I was not the only one who experianced pain and loss and frustration and hurt from all of this. That just as my friend told me in the car "this was not all about me, and it never is". We talked about what happened in October civilly and shared how both of us experianced that night... both which were completely different views and ideas of what happened that night. When we heard each other's side, both of us were very emotional. We knew each other well enough to know that in the back of our minds each of us knew that we didn't see eye to eye and it wasn't fair to be so upset at each other due to the fact that what played out wasn't really what was trying to be said/done. None-the-less, what happened happened that night. In one night, the memories I had of Daniel and I were completely poisoned and altered from a few simple sentances that tainted all I knew and felt about our relationship. It was horrible to realize how much that killed each of us, how niether one of us could think about our past without that stupid night coming up. . . After discussing that, there was a pause. A very emotional and intense pause.... And then Daniel barely uttered "I am so sorry" to me. He said it. He looked me in the eyes and apoligized. It was sincere. I never thought those words could mean so much and have to much direct results. I automatically felt like a thousand pounds were lifted from the shoulders of my soul. I had only dreamt about him saying those words to me and even in my dreams they were not sincere. At that moment I could look him in the eyes without the knot.... the knot in my stomach was gone! GONE!!! Disappeared. I could look Daniel H. Banks in the eye without a knot in my stomach!!!!! I was so happy. It was absolutely wonderful. We talked for three hours after that moment. We laughed, cried, laughed some more.... and enjoyed those hours together. I think we both knew we wouldn't have time like that ever again, but we also both knew it was so much better of a memory than the memory we had been carrying of the last time we spoke.

God has His way of doing things. They are far beyond my comprehension, far beyond my imagination, and far beyond my own way of doing things. He knew, He knows, and always will know. He is so very good to His children. I believe that sometimes He lets us hurt so that when we don't anymore, we appreciate it more and the more we look to him so that we never hurt like that again.

(( Just remember, that was ONLY TUESDAY!))

The remainder of my week was wonderful, I mean, when one looses 1000 lbs. in one night, how can they not have a wonderful week?!
School is going to be great this semeter. I am taking 16 hours combined from TVCC and A&M. That is going to be a challenge. But a challenge that I am all the more ready to face. By the first of the summer, I will be done with basics and starting on my degree classes. What a crazy thought. Pretty soon I am going to be learning about the career I may just be in for the rest of my life, the way I am going to make my first pay check out of college, and the thing that is on my degree! Woah! I am growing up and I still feel like I am in fourth grade sometimes!!

I am praying that the Lord will open up some doors for witnessing and making new friendships that not only encourage me, but that change others lives. I am praying that He gives me opportunities for him to be glorified and for me to be transparent so that people only see the greatness, mystery, and love that is my Savior.

Thursday night was the beginning of Journey at Aggie BSM. It was hard to go due to the fact that my friend that I had previously gone with, and the close close friend of mine and one of my best friends was not there. Our friend Julie took this semester off to travel with her family to South America. It is an amazing testement of their faith. And yet a very hard things for friends to be without a friend that was so unique and special to all of us. It is hard not to be selfish and be upset that she is gone, but at the same time as soon as we start thinking in that way the Lord reminds us of why Julie is gone: she is walking in faith.
All that to say, that it was a bit hard to have that realization of not having Julie there with us, but at the same time it was very exciting to be starting out a new semester in the right way.

I had been praying about the Lord giving me some opportunites to serve with youth since last semester. The director of the BSM announced that he really needed some volunteers for DNOWs this semester...... (( God is good and faithful to His children isn't he!?)) Wow!!! I was so excited to put my name down on that list and know that God was opening that door for me to walk through. So, I, Lord willing, will be working my first Disciple Now this coming up weekend!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Can I just say WHOOP!?!

What else happened this week???

Oh. Yeah. That is right.....

I GOT A NEW CAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I wrote previously about being in a wreck over the break... well.... that stupid pink truck totaled my car (my old car, herbert). I was not happy that herbert was dead, but I wasn't sad either. I am just being honest here.
Well, Friday I went up to meet with my parents and look for a new vehicle. (( I want to clarify that "New" does not mean 2009 new, it means new to me ergo a used vehicle )) The first place we went had the car I was looking for. I mean it had EVERYTHING! We took it for a drive and my dad and I were both impressed. The whole time I was just thinking that it was nice and perfect, but was wayyyyy too nice and there was no way I was going to be driving it after that night. WRONG. My dad had other plans!!! He loved it. I loved it. He prayed about it. Offered a certain price and wasn't going to budge.
Well, they took the offer!!!!!!!!!!!
I am now the proud owner of a 2007 Jeep Grand Cherokee!! It is a beautiful maroon color with all the bells and whistles you can imagine.
I am so blessed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This is definately a car I will love driving and I promise will not have a nerdy name! :D

So this week has been filled with ups and downs and crazy turns along the way, but the most important thing is that I can honestly say that He was glorified every little inch of the crazy road I was on this week. It was a beautiful feeling. Ths was a great way to start a semester at school. I am ready to be grown, stretched, challenged, and chizzled into the woman the Lord needs and desires and will have me be.

If you were in my week in any way, thank you. Thank you for being an amazing person in my life. I love you.

If you weren't a part of my week, but are a part of my life: I love you dearly. I pray that you will be a part of my weeks to come, and even so, never doubt how Good our Lord is nor how much I care about you.