"I wish I could see through your eyes so I would know what you like to see. I wish I knew your wishes, so I could give you everything you want. I wish I dreamed the same dreams you do, and together we could make them come true. I wish I knew what makes you happy, so I could make you the happiest person in the whole world. And lastly, I wish I were a cell in your blood, so I would be sure I was somewhere in your heart."

"definition of forgiveness: the perfume of a flower leaves on the shoe that crushes it"
 

Maybe December

Maybe in December by Lost Immigrants

Maybe in December I’ll stop loving you

But for now I believe that what I feel is true

Maybe in the next life the love we shared will grow

I can’t seem to shake you, your mem’ry won’t let go

And tonight I’ll be searching for a way to lose my mind

I’ll leave it sitting here alone, drink it all behind

And I’ll take these dreams and promises and drown them with this wine

‘Cause tonight I’ll be searching for a way to lose my mind

Maybe I’ll forget you when your loving lips

Whisper “I love you” as you give him another kiss

Maybe these longing lines are heart strings pulled too tight

And maybe in December I can end this fight

Maybe it was written in the stars above

Before we ever thought we knew the only way to love

Maybe this spring will thaw your heart down to the end

But I hope and pray December will never come again.

I need you now more than ever Lord to wrap me up and lead me.
I need you now more than ever to whisper your Love to my heart.
I need you now more than ever to not be timid but bold in your guidance.
I need you Jesus now more than ever to be my Love and my All.

I love you with all I have to give Lord, take my life and make it wholly Yours.

Be clean in my wounds...

No matter how much it hurts, no matter how much I don’t like it… I had to.

 

I had to take my selfishness out of the equation and think of others when it came to my heart and theirs.  I chose to be apart from something that brought me joy in lieu of hurting someone else because the joy that I was brought also brought fears and doubts. 

 

Maybe I am being stupid, but I really don’t think I am.  I had to (for once) be smart about how I was handling my heart.  I was and am blessed to have the opportunity to get to know one of the most amazing men I have ever known in my life, to have God teach me things about myself through him, and to experience the things I did…

 

Who knows what will happen, but for now, I just know that I was at a point in my life I couldn’t let my heart blind me and hurt people in my life, or could I be just complacent with being with someone that I couldn’t be completely there for mind, body, and soul. 

 

Matters of the heart are never easy, especially when you know what you are doing is right for everyone involved but it still doesn’t feel comfortable. It’s like you know  you have to clean a wound, and the best way to do it is with alcohol or peroxide… both aren’t comfortable in any sense of the word… but both are worth it to be cleaned in your wounds. . .

Sometime things are just hard

I think there I have said the following phrase repetitively on this thing, but it's true:
Life has a funny way of being life. It's twists and turns are so unexpected the worlds fasted updating GPS could never keep up.

Lately I have been blessed beyond measures while being more stressed and confused than ever in my life. There is NO "easy button" in life, ever. There are days that give me the 'refresh' that gets me through the next few days without just a complete shut down, but there are others that push me so far to the edge i can't see my feet.

"and we will soar on wings like eagles" - His Promise

Well, I know His promises are true, but why does my life feel so extremely up and down so much? Why does my heart get torn as much as it does?

Sometimes I just feel like I want to be like everyone else in life and take the easy road.... to just be completely irresponsible, to be completely selfish and not really care about the other people in my life... but the easy road leads me no where.
So I suffer, I struggle, I cry, I celebrate my minor victories, I nurse my wounds. . . and I get up and move on.

But will it always be this hard? Will I always feel a struggle between the easy and the "worth it"? I don't know if there is an answer to that, but I do know that the day I get to see my Savior's face, He will let me know. I just fear that my stubbornness to keep pushing doesn't go against Him.

So: I am stubborn, I am independent, and 90% of the time I don't know the direction other than the way I am going so if you ask me... I will just say, "if you want to know where I am going you just have to watch where I go, because that's the only way I know where to go."

So, here goes another night of trying to breath enough to nurse my wounds and prepare for another day.

Worth it...

There are times and things in life that you get to look back on and be thankful for.... for the good and bad, the rough and ragged or the smooth and silky. In my life I have gone through the rough and ragged more often than not, but now that it's not so rough or ragged I'm looking back at things and understanding the beautiful lessons they have carved into my heart as well as the person I have become due to the tumbling around on the rocks in my path.

I wish I could say I know everything that I went through was all for good... I wish I could say all the tears I cried over the past year and a half were the tears that watered my soul and grew me.... but I can't say ALL of them were good, nourishing, cleansing tears. I cannot say that all I went through I can look back and be thankful for. I am thankful for most of it, but not all of it.

I see the things now that I went through and I feel stings of shame. I remember the feelings I had and the thoughts that went through my head and I just get angry. How could I have let myself get to that point to accept all of those thoughts, all of those actions, all of those feelings? How was I ever okay with someone talking to me like they did? How was I ever okay with letting someone make me feel like I deserved the tears I cried because I did something wrong? How could I do that to myself, but more importantly, how could I do that to my Jesus?

My Jesus loves me. My God created me as His MASTERPIECE. My Savior loves me and has an amazing plan for me that includes love that is true, that includes HOPE and all the Promises He tells me in His word.
With that being said, the looking back on my life is so very painful. Painful to know that I treated and allowed treatedment of God's creation, his MASTERPIECE like I did. I feel like during my past 2 relationships I just allowed God's creation that He loves so much to just be beaten down and spit on.
I mean think of you most prized possession. Or just something you hold dear.... for example: my Aggie ring. If someone was to come up, compliment my ring enough for me to let them be close to it, and then as soon as they got close, they didn't take care of it.... I would be so upset. I know that may not seem like much to some of you, but to me, it's my AGGIE RING.... something I take so much pride in, I worked for, I lived for, I sacrificed for. . . .
Now take that and multiply it by how much God loves us... and not only that, but He sacrificed his own LIFE for me and you... and imagine the pain He has when we don't realize the worth in ourselves, his prized possession. . . It literally pains my heart to think of it. I spent 2 years of my life disrespecting his love for me by disrespecting myself.
This is a hard thing to realize, and a harder thing to make known. I'm sure we can all look at our lives at one point or another and see where we have failed to love Him by loving ourselves. . . but the point is not to rub our nose in our own poop over and over again, but to learn not to poop there.
It took me being treated like a masterpiece to realize what I had been doing to myself and inadvertently to my Jesus. I am so blessed to now have the understanding of what and how I should be treated, and not just the understanding, but to experience it on a daily basis. My life, my love, my heart, and my inmost thoughts are all the things that Christ died for, that He sacrificed the biggest sacrifice for, and that He calls His masterpiece. So, all of those things should reflect my love, honor, and respect for Him. The way I allow myself to be treated, the way I think of myself, the things I do... all of it should reflect the fact that I understand my worth, I understand that the Creator of the Universe takes pride in me so the least I can do is think of myself as special.