Friends

My life is at such a beautiful place. I have finally allowed my trials and past troubles be used for the better by giving God control and letting him mold me to who I am today. These days I would have to search for things to bring me down, whereas two months ago I had to desperately search for a hint of something that would truly bring me joy.

I have some of the greatest people in my life I could ever ask for. I have never once felt so blessed with genuine care from the hearts of others, some I know and have known for years, and some that I am just getting to know. And it all seems so strange to me. . . I once thought I had great friendships, and I did for the time being, but nothing like the true friendships I have now in my life. The other day I was thinking about all of this and realized the key difference in my relationships today... after being hurt since grade school by friends that would betray me, I had developed an association between friendship and pain, and as the years progressed I had begun to believe and tell myself that the friends were destine to leave eventually so I had to do everything I could not to lose them. That version of friendship is doomed to fail, and that it did. Over and over again my heart was shattered by people walking all over me or out on me, when that was the one thing I had feared. After the things I went through last year, the last straws of my heart holding my picture of me together, I had a few major life 'light bulb' moments. (the cool thing with 'life light bulb moments' is they happen naturally and by reaction, then months later you see the light bulb that has been lighting your path all along) Realizing that I could never control if people come in and out of my life, their purpose in my life, and their reaction to my care towards them, I discovered freedom in just being me. Freedom in loving people that are here with me just like I loved the ones before, but I have no fear that they will leave one day or I will do something wrong. I have smiles and laughter and thankfulness for the great blessing of each day I get to be friends with these people, each memory I get to hold dear to me for years, and each lesson they teach me through their friendship.

During this life we have the choice to be so afraid things will end or just be glad they are happening. Its a cliche saying, I know, but it is oh so true. I am thankful, so very thankful, for the beautiful friendships I have and being able to fully be a friend to each of them by not wearing the chains I did before.

My greatest joy has always been watching those I love smile from something I had a part in.... and I have never imagined how great my greatest joy could truly feel when it is so constant. Yesterday, I was able to be a part in an engagement between two beautiful friends of mine, these people are the people I have known the longest here in Bryan/College Station, and have been in love for years. I love them so much, and because I do I wanted to try to make it the best day for the both of them, and I think it was a day they will both remember forever. I almost cried when they thanked me, not from pride in myself, but because they were so happy. Half the time I do not want a thank you, because when I do things, it's a natural thing for me and my 'thank you' is seeing them happy... but when they do thank me, it's something I hold on to very close to my heart. I am just simply blessed to be able to have the opportunity to be around people whom love each other so much, and then to be graced with the honor to help make the day more special. It was a beautiful thing, the room was filled with so much love and laughter it was almost overwhelming.

So, as of today, even though this girl is far from perfect, far from being a mom or wife, and far from being all I've dreamt of being... I am working towards all of it hand in hand with the blessings from above called my friends.

Free

I want to be free. Not in my body but in my soul.

I literally want to feel the wind of life soar through my soul and embrace each moment, each particle. I want to fly high and above. I want my soul to be so full of the winds of this life, the beautiful gusts of lifes little blessings and the tornados of the trials.... I want to soar. To absolutely and undeniably be one soul that soars high above not to flee from the ground, but to take it all in from a different perspective.
I want to just go where the wind takes me. To let life, and His direction, be the only thing that takes me places--- whether it be to sour without having to flap my wings against the wind or fighting with every moment to stay in the air.... I want to fly.
I want to be engulfed in the beauty of this life from the perspective of the sky.... My soul longs to soar.

I want to be so free that my person can find me if he is only a free or gazing upwards to see me pass by and urge him to fly. I've always wanted to experience freedom with someone, how beautiful would it be to soar through the winds of this life with someone that enjoys the scenery and the freedom just as much as you do??!

I want to soar. I feel my wings are strong enough to hold me. I hear the skies calling. . . I have tasted and seen the beauty of freedom, but only briefly enough to taste, not to digest.

Let my wings be strong enough to hold me...
Let the wind help me fly...
I just want to be free

... And it keeps getting better

You know, I have been through quite a bit in the last two years... and man have I learned countless lessons from all the good and the not so good things that I have gone through.

A few things stick out that I really want to share:

1. Hearts are tricky things. My heart has lead me to lots of heartache, both romantically and in friendships. There is no map to a heart, there is no 'game plan' when you are dealing with a heart. Once my heart gets involved in something, all rules and normal life situations are thrown out the window. My heart has loved fearlessly and passionately to many things over the past two years that are no longer part of my life. Friends whom were family, a guy who I thought was my person.... my heart was so much in love with those people there was no possible way to prepare for them to be out of my life then, and if not ever really. With the trails I went through at some points I really never thought I would ever be able to be whole again. But the beauty of a tricky thing such as a heart, is that it simply cannot be predictable. At this point in my life, I still love those people whom are no longer with me, those people who their parting brought many tearful nights and yet beautiful memories... I still love them. They will forever be a part of my heart and I will hold them dearly there, in my memories. I never once could have imagined getting through losing best friends as much as I have in the past two years, but I made it! And I made it through it all with a beautiful relationship with my Jesus, some amazing sisters that never left my side, and a family that I wouldn't trade for the world. The whole time I thought my heart was in anguish alone, God would whisper softly that I was never alone. He would show me in front of my face by a friend holding me while I wept, calling me at the right time, an encouraging message from my dad, and sometimes just a beautiful sunrise.... I honestly feel that today, if you could rewind and ask me if I would like to go about everything a different way to avoid all the pain... I probably wouldn't because I would not be who I am today if I hadn't gone through every moment that I did. I think that's where people get it all wrong if they have struggles and pain in their life and they automatically chose to go the easy way if they got the opportunity to do it again. Heck no. I wouldn't know what true friendships were if I hadn't lost 4 best friends at one time just to look by my side and see the true friends standing there with arms wide open. I wouldn't know what I deserve in a man had I not seen everything I don't deserve, I wouldn't know what love feels like when you completely and wholeheartedly believe in someone--- even if they didn't think you were enough. Just means my 'person' is still out there.
2. Passion is there for a reason--- I've always been a believer in this. I've always told people that God gives us passions in life to direct us in the way He has made us to go. Those little things that bring so much joy to your life just by the mention of it are not there on accident. The hospitality industry is my passion. Bar none. I love it. I love every second about it, from working the front desk to booking a huge corporate client and visiting their offices, to dealing with upset guests and graciously accepting praise from happy guests. Every single thing about the hospitality world thrills me. It is my passion. I was blessed to get a job over 2 years ago in the hotel world to spark the flame of which would light the fire of my career. I worked with the same company for two years and was blessed to make some life long friends that came through the hotel, learn the ins and outs of it, be promoted and begin a journey that has lead me through some great valleys, but also some beautiful mountains. Being only 22 years of age, the idea of losing it all was not really something that came across my mind. I was passionate about it. I was doing what I was passionate about so therefore it would not go away. But due to some business decisions, I was mistaken. I literally felt like my world had been taken from under my feet and thrown on my head. I had put everything on hold for this job that I was sure would be a lasting career. I had missed family Christmas's, I had been blamed for being more in love with my job than my boyfriend, I had worked 18 hour days just to be there. . . It was my life, then it quickly was not. What I learned from all of that was probably the hardest of all my lessons I've learned in 2011. . . I had to trust in God with my whole life, to not take ownership of any of it.... my job was my baby... I said it very often when referring to the hotel... it was "my baby". And you know, sometimes God takes your baby... He doesn't do it out of anything but sheer and utter jealous love. I didn't understand it. Losing my job made me question just about every aspect of my life.... "was that really my passion?" "what else am I doing wrong that I think I'm doing right?"... It was a really rough few months. But there was this beautiful thing that happened while I was working a different job trying to figure out what I really was made to do... I decided to just trust in Jesus, to be joyful where I am at, thankful for what I have, and just live every day as best I can. I had spoken to my parents who had felt every moment of my anguish though this whole journey and let them know I decided I was going to go back to school to finish out and then find out what the world had to offer me, and in the mean time, try to find a full time job working back at the front desk of a hotel in town so that I could be in it again. . . I knew I loved hotels, I had tried something else and it was empty of passion for me, but I was trying to make the best of it. So I did exactly what I had told them, exactly what I knew God wanted of me... to just trust in His plan and go with what I feel like He is wanting from me (school + working at the front desk). And then, out of the clear blue sky, God blessed me abundantly with an opportunity to pursue my passion again... to be in a hotel doing what I loved and still finish school. I am just now coming out of my shocked and "is this real life?" phase.

The thing about it all, is that until we get it through our thick skulls that God really does have it under control and if we would just trust Him life would be a little bit less painful, it will be painful and confusing. I now can be so very thankful for every tear and questioning moment because it taught me to RELY on God for the things you believe in to be true, FOLLOW the direction He shows you, and TRUST He knows what He is doing. That goes for general life issues to issues of the heart.

There are still days where I miss old friends, wonder if my person will ever find me... sure. I have moments where I wonder what would be different if they were still around... but no longer do I feel empty when thinking about those things. It took God literally stripping everything away at different times for me to fully understand His power over my life and the beauty of a life that has been stripped and refined.

I am so blessed today to have the things in my life that I do. I have friends that know me better than I could imagine anyone knowing me. Prime example: one of my best friends buying me a cow shaped chalk board for my kitchen and knowing that I would absolutely love it. Ha. And knowing that my friends were there through really hard times, so they will be here through the good times too, and boy have they! And the blessings keep coming. I truly think that every day I find something else I am thankful for that came out of something that was truly a breakdown of mine.

Two years ago, I would have laughed in your face if you told me I would be here today.

One year ago, I would have laughed in your face if you would have told me things were going to happen the way they did.

Four months ago, I would have told you I wasn't good enough to have it the way it is today.

I am so excited to experience what is ahead of me. I pray that I don't try to take back control of my life and continue to just let Him have it all. I pray that this year brings more good times than bad, that I don't have to experience another heartache like I did over the past two years... but if I do, I pray that I will remember to keep my head up because I can get through it!

So, here's to 2012.

To the blessings I am encompassed by today, and the ones that will come into my life in the days to come.

To the hard times in the past that led me here, may I never forget what they have taught me.

And may I praise my sweet Lord for all I have and to remember, it always gets better...