I can't erase the memories, but pictures... different story

So today I was confronted by two different people as to why I still had pictures of Daniel and I on my facebook. To me, I just thought it was so harsh to have to delete something that was part of my life for over a year... if you know me, I have a special place in my heart for photos, and I rarely can disgard even the worse picture. But I knew at some point I probably would have to face it. I mean, let's be honest, Daniel already has, he "untagged" himself from ever single picture with me the week after he "de-friended" me. So, why has it taken me 6 months?
I have no answer other than, it was hard. I didn't think it needed to be done. I felt he was harsh and rash when he "de-friended" me and all the other things he did therefore I did not want to be like that, and deleting photos of us was being harsh. I cannot erase those memories even if I delete them off of my facebook, I cannot, nor can he, delete the fact that we were involved in a relationship that lasted for over a year. So that's why I didn't.
I saw it as me trying to deny the fact that we were in a relationship, until today. I did it.
I deleted the pictures of us.
I have been over him and movin on for the past couple of months.... and now... I really am.
I am proud of myself.
I am stronger, braver, better than I was when I was with Daniel and I am so happy.
Although I can never erase the memories I have of us, some good, some not so good, I can erase him from the "important" part of me. I don't want to be harsh or rash or sound like an angry ex-girlfriend, but Daniel doesn't deserve for me to think well of him, he doesn't deserve for me to waste a second's thought on this, but I do. Maybe because I am better than that, honestly, I feel as though I am better than he is. He can't even look me in the eye, much less think well of me. Or maybe he does and is afraid to show it because he knows what he is missing in his life, not me as his girlfriend, but me, Darby Barksdale a strong woman in Christ, as his friend.

I am happy of what I did today. Happy that I realized that they are "just pictures" and that that part of my life is done. And you know what, it is okay! Because I have a God that has promised me many things in life, who loves me infinitely more than Daniel ever fakely did, who will provide for me someone (( hopefully )) that is perfect for the woman God is making me into. I am thankful for the heartache and the guard I have now due to the pain from then. I have a joy and peace in my heart that supercedes any tear I may cry over the memories that still cross my mind. I have friends that are struggling in the "single" life just as I am, I have friends that have been in my shoes before, and again, I have a Jesus who loves me. :)

Just getting some things off my chest

First of all... SNOW IN COLLEGE STATION ,TEXAS!!!!!!!! Wow, and not just a little, but like A LOT! What a great way to end a semester.

What a great day. I wish I could have shared it with more friends, but the people I was with were great. I just hate that some of my friends went home or just "had better people" to hang out with. Sometimes I feel like I try to hard with the new friends that I am making and that I am just dreaming that I have more friends. Part of me believes that this is just the devil telling me things, then I look at my life, and it seems more true than false. I juts love people, I can't help that. I can't help that I want to create relationships with people and i make things "awkward".
What's so wrong with wanting to be friends? And why is it that I am just not great at it? Or is everyone just "half hearted friends" and I am the only one with a messed up sense of friendship?

Really. What's wrong with me? What have I done?


And why do I feel this way?
Am I trying to hard?
Sometimes I just wish I could live a life alone and be okay with it. To not desperately desire community with people and fellowship on a deeper level than Sunday morning. I don't understand. After all the crap I went through and learned from this summer, I still can hardly hear the word Pine Cove without sadness coming over me, friendships I missed out on, memories I don't have. I still don't understand it, but I accept it. I accept the things I cannot change and am learning from them, growing from them... but I sometimes still hurt from them.

And who am I to the people in my life? Sometimes I feel like that annoying person that won't leave people alone. Or that girl who thinks you are better friends than you really are. So who am I to you people?! And why do I feel like I am the only one who thinks it means something to follow through? Was I the only one that was raised to think that it is rude or somewhat disrespectful to be flaky? I mean I understand that people aren't perfect and sometimes things happen, but I honestly cannot tell you the last person I knew I could count on. That sucks. I don't want to be like that. But I guess that's why I'm so different.
But I guess this just proves that people are people and truly the only one who will ever be completely faithful, true, and worthy of me caring so much is my Savior. He is the only that really matters, I guess I just need to keep that in mind. Sometimes my eyes drift from Him and this is what happens.... so, It is well with my Soul Lord, You are enough.

"Take this world from me. I do'nt need it anymore.
I am finally free.
My Heart is Spoken for.
oh, and I praise you.
Oh, and I worship you.

Covered by your love Divine,
child of the Risen Lord.
To hear You say "This one's mine"
My Heart is spoken for.

Now I have a peace.
I've never known before.
I find myself complete
My heart is spoken for.

Oh, and I praise you
Oh, and I worship you.

Covered by your love Divine.
Child of the Risen Lord.
To hear You say "This one's mine"
My heart is spoken for

By the power fo the cross,
you've taken what was lost
and made it fully yours.
And I have been redeemed
by you have spoke for me.
Now i am spoken for.

Covered by your love Divine.
Child of the Risen Lord.
To hear You say "This one's mine"
My heart is spoken for" -Spoken For, Mercy Me

Update. Now, Friends. Family.

It has been a while.
First let me start of by saying that I am going to be writing more about my last entry on my other blog (challengofephesians320.blogspot.com). Please read that as well, that blog will be more of a challenge directed blog whereas this one is more personal.
Secondly, wow. God is so good. He has His hand on my life and I am enjoying it with urgent anticipation of my next steps.

Now, whew.
I have found out a few things about myself over the past few weeks. Some disturbing, some enlightening, some just plain frustrating. It is hard to see how your past really does effect your future/present life and how no matter how you look at it, every action has a consequence. I have found out that I was so different than who I am now and those people who were in my life before are different than people I am wanting to surround myself with now. That is hard thing to deal with in life, not moving on, but realizing that as you grow more and more into someone different, someone rooted in Christ, then you might have to make changes.
I was burdened by a past that I could not change, actions or words that I could not take back towards a specific person. This person was there through some really rough years in my life, there and a part of most all of my high school years, and a person that didn't deserve to be hurt as he was by me. After being hurt by someone, I realized that even through changing and moving on in my life, I still had an effect on someone else's life. I couldn't ignore that. So, after many weeks of being too scared to pick up a phone, I finally called him. We talked. I don't think he understood why I felt like I had to apologize for hurting him the way I did, for letting him believe he was getting to know Darby, that he fell in love with someone who didn't even know who she was. But, oh the relief.
Our lives are ever changing, each day we interact with people is a day that we get a chance to impact someone deeply. It's our choice to impact them on a positive basis or not, it's our choice to actully walk in Christ's footsteps and love people, or to be comfortable. I seek to be as uncomfortable as possible in life because I want to love people. I want them to question. I want them to not understand why I care about them. I want to point to my Jesus and say, "Because He first loved me, and I am obligated and priveliged to love you." What an abundant life?!
An abundant life that the devil does NOT like at all. A life that gets attacked in any way possible, a life that is hard. It will be and is worth it, but wow. In some ways, I get so discouraged and lonely.
I hate being a girl sometimes. There are some nights where I play Buble and just dream. One day God is going to give me that guy. That amazing guy. That one guy that is just for me. I am excited about that guy, I mean REALLY excited. But the "problem" is, that guy... well... as far as I know, is not here. Which is completely fine in so many ways, I am glad that God hasn't plopped him in my lap just yet because He knows that I need Him and only Him. But this is the part of being a girl that I despise, even though I know that with all of my heart and mind.... I still get lonely. I still want to be pursued, loved, protected, flirted with, taken care of, made fun of, trusted, someone's somebody. It will come eventually.

Friends.
Wow.
Friends.
I want to gather my thoughts a bit before I talk more about this. I am very blessed with some new friendships, very blessed.

Family.
can I just say, that mine may not be the closest, the best, the most put together, the most presentable... but they are the best family I got and I am so thankful for that. Dawson and I are growing up, Mom and Dad are respecting that. It is all new for us. I think it is great. We are growing closer in a different way, and I am realizing how blessed I have been all along.
This Thanksgiving, it was just us. Me, mom, dad, and Dawson. Mom let me cook most of the meal, which was so amazing. I have always dreamt of cooking a holiday dinner for family, and she let me. She taught me things, she walked me through it, but most of all, she trusted me. I was so happy. I had so much to be Thankful for this year, more than ever, and then, I was blessed to be able to cook for my family.
I couldn't ask for better people to depend on being there in life. A father that, although he is goofy and quite embarassing sometimes, loves me and my brother unconditionally and with a love that is genuine and from above. A father that can talk to a wall, but truely speak to my soul when in need. A dad who loves his daughter and can't stand to see her hurt. A dad who is so proud of his son. A father who showed my brother and I the best way to live simply by living. A father who is a loving husband to a mother that is querky and cute, but always strong. A mom who always wants to cook something sweet when we come home because she knows how much we love it. A mom that always was in charge of making goodie bags to make us feel loved. A mother who gives the best hugs ever. A mother who prays for her children more than we know and faithfully depends on Him taking care of her precious gifts. A mom who knows her daughter better than her daughter wants her to. A brother who is a typical young man, but not a typical man. A brother who i would not trade for the world. A brother who is one of the wisest men i know, and who speaks truth. A brother who makes me angry and laugh harder than most people I know. A brother who takes care of his little sister when she needs him, and even when she doesn't think she needs him. . . . A family that I am so thankful for. A family that is mine. These are the years that I get them to myself. Time that I don't want to slip away from me because it won't ever be just us again.
I had lots to be thankful for this year.