Choices.
I've been taught since before I can remember that each choice one makes in life has a consequence, be it good or bad, it has a consequence.
Scientifically: every action has a reaction
Life: every little thing you choose to do or not to do directly effects something or someone in your life, could just be you... could be a whole nation... but every choice a person makes has an effect.
Sometimes I really think some people have no idea the effect their choices have on others because they are too busy going along with their choice. I once was like that: stubborn, driven by a choice I made and could care less about how it effected others because to me it was simply my choice ergo it was only for me. Boy was I wrong.
No matter how little or how big a choice that you make in life, it still effects others and will consequently effect you as well. The consequences for yourself (good or bad) may not be seen right after you choose something, but they are imminent. Not as in 'God will punish you' imminent, but that the choices we make will always play out to have some sort of consequence in life.
God has a plan, yes. He knows each step we take, each choice we make before we choose it... this has always been something that baffled me because I couldn't understand why He would know that I would walk off course and away from Him and it still be part of my plan.... that was until the day came that I realized that every choice, bad or good, had taught me something and formed me into the woman I am today. Looking back I probably would have changed some decisions because then I possibly would not have dealt with the ongoing consequences of them, but yet I would not know the power of forgiveness, love, and ultimately God himself.
I see in life today people who are protected from their consequences.... people who are hidden away while the 'bad times' pass over them... people who are so busy running from their consequences they completely lose the power of life in the moment and quite possibly lose every good thing they come in contact with because they are so busy running. None of that helps a person grow. It infuriates me to see a parent protect or make excuses for their child's action because that teaches the kid nothing.... you wind up having a 30 year old member of society not knowing how to deal with a conflict or anything negative for that matter because mom and dad let them believe the falsity that everything was always okay for them because they didn't really do anything "too wrong". Having to face your demons gives a person character, it allows a child/or anyone for that matter make the decision to let the demon take over their life, or ultimately have faith that His strength can overcome it.
I face my demons daily for decisions I've made in the past or the decisions I made a month ago.... I face them not to be defeated, but so that I can, with His strength, defeat them once and for all and be that much stronger and wiser the next time around. Every choice I make is not just about me, it's about my family, my loved ones, and even my dog. I thank God for giving me the parents that taught me, or better yet, let me learn about consequences... and even to this day I thank them for not letting me 'get away' with choices I make.
So, even though sometimes I feel selfish and want to make a decision simply because of what I want... ultimately it's not just about me.
I just wish more people understood that (not saying I am perfect or better than anyone because I will be the first to admit that I am flawed), and I pray that those who are selfish and never look around to see how their choices are effecting others will one day pause long enough to see the damage done and learn from it.
Monday, August 23, 2010
Monday, August 9, 2010
Following my Heart
"I may be a fool when this is all said and done,
but if I am the fool that has you by my side.... I'll be willing to be a fool til the end"
Over the past few months my life has been no where close to smooth sailing. It has been a few months of the worst moments of my life and some of the absolute sweetest soul refreshing moments I've ever experienced. Life has showed me it's cards, it's dealt me a few really rough rounds, but I am still in the game. I haven't lost all my chips.
Mr. Ely and I have had a few, or really one, major issue. I never thought someone could ever hurt me so much because I never had loved anyone so much. Through our short 6 month relationship before we broke up, it was lots of ups and downs. Doubts from people in my life flared up and put doubts in my head.... and then, those doubts were fleshed out right in front of my face. I am still to this day haunted at times of the picture of Mr. Ely kissing the head of someone that wasn't me.
Over the month that we were not together I had a chance to clear my mind, to get my thoughts together. I wanted nothing to do with Mr. Ely, yet I didn't wish him ill or pain or anything of the sort. I wanted him to just be happy since he, for what I thought, was not enough with me for some reason. I never once voiced my deep aches to see him, to love him, to be with him again.... When we finally faced each other, I didn't want him to see anything but the pain he had brought into my heart... I wanted him to see the agony and pain while also seeing that all I ever wanted was to be able to have him by my side and the he alone had ruined that for us. May sound bitter, may sound quite harsh.... but that's what I wanted and felt like he deserved (other than a swift kick in his juegos.... ).
When he walked in my house.... my heart just rose to my throat. All of the feelings that I wanted to show were scrambled with the feelings of wanting his arms around me and tell me that it was all just one bad nightmare. Mr. Ely had arms that wrapped me up and kept me safe from the world........ safe from everything but him. That day, after watching the strength from him seep right out onto the ground in every tear he cried, after telling him how much he ruined my hopes and dreams with him in my life... after kissing his face and telling him how he ruined the beauty of a kiss....
but if I am the fool that has you by my side.... I'll be willing to be a fool til the end"
Over the past few months my life has been no where close to smooth sailing. It has been a few months of the worst moments of my life and some of the absolute sweetest soul refreshing moments I've ever experienced. Life has showed me it's cards, it's dealt me a few really rough rounds, but I am still in the game. I haven't lost all my chips.
Mr. Ely and I have had a few, or really one, major issue. I never thought someone could ever hurt me so much because I never had loved anyone so much. Through our short 6 month relationship before we broke up, it was lots of ups and downs. Doubts from people in my life flared up and put doubts in my head.... and then, those doubts were fleshed out right in front of my face. I am still to this day haunted at times of the picture of Mr. Ely kissing the head of someone that wasn't me.
Over the month that we were not together I had a chance to clear my mind, to get my thoughts together. I wanted nothing to do with Mr. Ely, yet I didn't wish him ill or pain or anything of the sort. I wanted him to just be happy since he, for what I thought, was not enough with me for some reason. I never once voiced my deep aches to see him, to love him, to be with him again.... When we finally faced each other, I didn't want him to see anything but the pain he had brought into my heart... I wanted him to see the agony and pain while also seeing that all I ever wanted was to be able to have him by my side and the he alone had ruined that for us. May sound bitter, may sound quite harsh.... but that's what I wanted and felt like he deserved (other than a swift kick in his juegos.... ).
When he walked in my house.... my heart just rose to my throat. All of the feelings that I wanted to show were scrambled with the feelings of wanting his arms around me and tell me that it was all just one bad nightmare. Mr. Ely had arms that wrapped me up and kept me safe from the world........ safe from everything but him. That day, after watching the strength from him seep right out onto the ground in every tear he cried, after telling him how much he ruined my hopes and dreams with him in my life... after kissing his face and telling him how he ruined the beauty of a kiss....
He just held me, and I held him.
Then he left, I told him goodbye because my head wanted him to walk out that door and never come back, but my heart screamed silently of the love he and I had.
Once emotions calmed down, or should I say the strength to hold them in rose.... we spoke again. Mr. Ely came to me with ways he wanted to be better, with things he had done wrong, with apologies for not only that one night but for other times that he had hurt me.... he came to me with the love that we had shared and put it right under my nose, not to entice me into a trap, but to show me his heart, raw and uncut. He had, over the month of being apart, decided what he knew he wanted.
I had a choice:
or....
Once emotions calmed down, or should I say the strength to hold them in rose.... we spoke again. Mr. Ely came to me with ways he wanted to be better, with things he had done wrong, with apologies for not only that one night but for other times that he had hurt me.... he came to me with the love that we had shared and put it right under my nose, not to entice me into a trap, but to show me his heart, raw and uncut. He had, over the month of being apart, decided what he knew he wanted.
I had a choice:
Follow my heart and the love I wanted to suppress and would most likely spend the rest of my life suppressing....
or....
... move forward without him and always look back wondering what if.....
The past month has been the a month of two people re-learning each other, two hearts quenching a thirst that they believed once was gone.
It has been very scary for my heart and I believe it will probably be scary for a while, doubt and a hundred different emotions I never thought existed has bubbled up inside me. But the difference is, the Mr. Ely now is one that has patience with those feelings... the Mr. Ely I know today, something has changed in him... His heart is tender, I feel like when he looks at me, I can now see his soul. A soul that he once had told me was cold and empty, but a soul now that has hope.
The people that have been around me through this know that I did not want this to go back to anything like it was, that I thought about this, prayed about it, watered my pillows with enough tears I'm almost positive I just needed to add a little detergent and they'd be squeaky clean....
Forgiveness is not one of my best fortes, but I look at how my God forgives me when I kiss another... how could I not forgive and give another chance? Mr. Ely doesn't deserve me to so much as look his way, but I don't for one moment deserve the breath I have in my lungs either. Forgiveness when you love someone is something that you do not for the other person only, but for yourself as well. (or atleast that's what I am finding out) Forgiving Mr. Ely set some of me free, I finally realized the chains I wrapped around my heart because I had not fully understood forgiveness.
So, for those of you that think I'm a fool.... okay. I understand. Completely. And if I end up at the end of this broken and shattered by Mr. Ely again... then, well, I am a fool. But, buuuut.... If I end up hand in hand with Mr. Ely sharing the love I know he and I both feel for each other and living a life that we both want so desperately to have, I'll gladly say that I am a fool for forgiving, but a fool that cannot doubt the power of love.
Read Redeeming Love.
The power of love....
The power of forgiveness....
The struggles of both....
The last line in that book is a 'prayer' that will define my life and hopefully one day my marriage:
The past month has been the a month of two people re-learning each other, two hearts quenching a thirst that they believed once was gone.
It has been very scary for my heart and I believe it will probably be scary for a while, doubt and a hundred different emotions I never thought existed has bubbled up inside me. But the difference is, the Mr. Ely now is one that has patience with those feelings... the Mr. Ely I know today, something has changed in him... His heart is tender, I feel like when he looks at me, I can now see his soul. A soul that he once had told me was cold and empty, but a soul now that has hope.
The people that have been around me through this know that I did not want this to go back to anything like it was, that I thought about this, prayed about it, watered my pillows with enough tears I'm almost positive I just needed to add a little detergent and they'd be squeaky clean....
Forgiveness is not one of my best fortes, but I look at how my God forgives me when I kiss another... how could I not forgive and give another chance? Mr. Ely doesn't deserve me to so much as look his way, but I don't for one moment deserve the breath I have in my lungs either. Forgiveness when you love someone is something that you do not for the other person only, but for yourself as well. (or atleast that's what I am finding out) Forgiving Mr. Ely set some of me free, I finally realized the chains I wrapped around my heart because I had not fully understood forgiveness.
So, for those of you that think I'm a fool.... okay. I understand. Completely. And if I end up at the end of this broken and shattered by Mr. Ely again... then, well, I am a fool. But, buuuut.... If I end up hand in hand with Mr. Ely sharing the love I know he and I both feel for each other and living a life that we both want so desperately to have, I'll gladly say that I am a fool for forgiving, but a fool that cannot doubt the power of love.
Read Redeeming Love.
The power of love....
The power of forgiveness....
The struggles of both....
The last line in that book is a 'prayer' that will define my life and hopefully one day my marriage:
"Love the Lord your God, and love one another. Love one another as He loves. Love with strength and purpose and passion and no matter what comes against you. Don't weaken. Stand agaisnt the darkness, and love. Thats the way back into Eden. That's the way back to life. "
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Wake me from my disenchanting paper dreams
Shake me from my drunken deadly sleep
Take me to my healing sweet Virginia please
They've broken my reflection
And I am in need
Take apart the smiles they've stapled to my face
Make them take the needles out of me
Help me stitch these stinging cuts where I still bleed
They've broken my reflection
And I am in need
Soak me in the sunshine
Rinse me in the rain
The smell of hate surrounds me
And I want to love again
Wrap me in the feathers lost from angel's wings
They've broken my reflection
And I am in need
Seconds leave my life just like the wind leaves me
Minutes fall like dead November leaves
If I have betrayed you Lord with my conceit
I'm begging your forgiveness
Cause I am in need
Soak me in the sunshine
Rinse me in the rain
The smell of hate surrounds me
And I want to love again
Wrap me in the feathers lost from angel's wings
They've broken my reflection
And I am in need
-Wade Bowen
Broken Reflection
I cannot express my heart any better than this song does right now.
I cry out for rest in my heart, I cry out for peace to come with my restless heart... I know He hears my cries, I know He is there. He has blessed me greatly with so many things, yet.... yet here I am... in need.
It seems as though I keep searching for this peace, getting it at times in the most amazing ways, then BAM here comes something out from a blindspot and I'm back on my knees. More and more I feel alone in my struggle to find peace... I know that I'm not alone in life, but in these struggles, in these frustrations, in these land mines that are hidden and safe for everyone else to walk over... I feel alone. I feel like the past months of betrayal and hurt have all but wrecked my insides and left me shattered, scrambled, and torn apart. I feel like my stress and illness is not something that I can fix, that I can deal with even... so it worries me more. What am I doing wrong in life to have such restlessness and confusion?
Why can't I atleast do right for one person in my life? Much less myself?
I'm tired of trying to 'vent' these things out.... I am simply IN NEED right now. I feel like David in the cave.... in a dark cold place crying out for his Savior to hear his cries. And our Savior just listens, whispers the promises of the future being good and to find satisfaction in that while we are still cold and in need. Those around me are here to listen to all of my internal strifes....yet after all, what could they do? I love each angel in my life, but none of them can reach in and really know what war is being raged inside of me. Plus, everyone that ever mattered to me somehow I did something to make them run from me, so... wouldn't a friend with internal strife send anyone running? Probably. After all, those people that were there for years before all of this and knew me before the wars began walked away without hesitation or even looking back.
I am in need to be better for those around me, to be able to love them in their needs without thinking of myself for one second... without worrying if I will taint them or hurt them or worse yet, bring them down and to be able to love them fully, wholly and purely...
I so desperately want to know I haven't brought all of this on myself because every betrayal I look back on someone has laid blame on me at some point or another, every pain I have faced has been told to me to be my own doings... and in that how do I find rest?
I have come to the conclusion that internal confusion and restlessness is the worst feeling in the world. It tops heartache because it incorporates it in it's daily wounds. The heartache of lost friendship seldom forgets to knock on my soul each day. The pain of betrayal and trust that was broken has seeped deep into parts of my soul that were once pure, once whole... parts I thought were bound and anchored. Fears of not being adequate in parts of my life that I so desperately love haunt me each moment I walk into the door of a place that was once my joy. Knowledge and proof of letting my parents down torture me daily, words said of their thoughts of my attitude towards them contradict the genuine gratitude and thankfulness I have for them. Each day I wake up with hopes that Strength will come and fight away these demons so that my wounds may heal... some days parts of me get rest from the fights, some days my bandages aren't ripped to shreds by more attacks... and then some days even sleep does not carry rest. Words of encouragement come my way and instead of me taking them for face value, I am reminded of other encouragement, other words that were empty and question the depth of authenticity in peoples words.... then I am outraged at myself for not just being able to let someone lift me up. It's a never ending circle of frustrations towards my conflicting spirit and mind....
Shake me from my drunken deadly sleep
Take me to my healing sweet Virginia please
They've broken my reflection
And I am in need
Take apart the smiles they've stapled to my face
Make them take the needles out of me
Help me stitch these stinging cuts where I still bleed
They've broken my reflection
And I am in need
Soak me in the sunshine
Rinse me in the rain
The smell of hate surrounds me
And I want to love again
Wrap me in the feathers lost from angel's wings
They've broken my reflection
And I am in need
Seconds leave my life just like the wind leaves me
Minutes fall like dead November leaves
If I have betrayed you Lord with my conceit
I'm begging your forgiveness
Cause I am in need
Soak me in the sunshine
Rinse me in the rain
The smell of hate surrounds me
And I want to love again
Wrap me in the feathers lost from angel's wings
They've broken my reflection
And I am in need
-Wade Bowen
Broken Reflection
I cannot express my heart any better than this song does right now.
"I am in need"
I cry out for rest in my heart, I cry out for peace to come with my restless heart... I know He hears my cries, I know He is there. He has blessed me greatly with so many things, yet.... yet here I am... in need.
"wrap me in the feathers lost from angels wings."
It seems as though I keep searching for this peace, getting it at times in the most amazing ways, then BAM here comes something out from a blindspot and I'm back on my knees. More and more I feel alone in my struggle to find peace... I know that I'm not alone in life, but in these struggles, in these frustrations, in these land mines that are hidden and safe for everyone else to walk over... I feel alone. I feel like the past months of betrayal and hurt have all but wrecked my insides and left me shattered, scrambled, and torn apart. I feel like my stress and illness is not something that I can fix, that I can deal with even... so it worries me more. What am I doing wrong in life to have such restlessness and confusion?
Why can't I atleast do right for one person in my life? Much less myself?
I'm tired of trying to 'vent' these things out.... I am simply IN NEED right now. I feel like David in the cave.... in a dark cold place crying out for his Savior to hear his cries. And our Savior just listens, whispers the promises of the future being good and to find satisfaction in that while we are still cold and in need. Those around me are here to listen to all of my internal strifes....yet after all, what could they do? I love each angel in my life, but none of them can reach in and really know what war is being raged inside of me. Plus, everyone that ever mattered to me somehow I did something to make them run from me, so... wouldn't a friend with internal strife send anyone running? Probably. After all, those people that were there for years before all of this and knew me before the wars began walked away without hesitation or even looking back.
I am in need to be better for those around me, to be able to love them in their needs without thinking of myself for one second... without worrying if I will taint them or hurt them or worse yet, bring them down and to be able to love them fully, wholly and purely...
I so desperately want to know I haven't brought all of this on myself because every betrayal I look back on someone has laid blame on me at some point or another, every pain I have faced has been told to me to be my own doings... and in that how do I find rest?
I have come to the conclusion that internal confusion and restlessness is the worst feeling in the world. It tops heartache because it incorporates it in it's daily wounds. The heartache of lost friendship seldom forgets to knock on my soul each day. The pain of betrayal and trust that was broken has seeped deep into parts of my soul that were once pure, once whole... parts I thought were bound and anchored. Fears of not being adequate in parts of my life that I so desperately love haunt me each moment I walk into the door of a place that was once my joy. Knowledge and proof of letting my parents down torture me daily, words said of their thoughts of my attitude towards them contradict the genuine gratitude and thankfulness I have for them. Each day I wake up with hopes that Strength will come and fight away these demons so that my wounds may heal... some days parts of me get rest from the fights, some days my bandages aren't ripped to shreds by more attacks... and then some days even sleep does not carry rest. Words of encouragement come my way and instead of me taking them for face value, I am reminded of other encouragement, other words that were empty and question the depth of authenticity in peoples words.... then I am outraged at myself for not just being able to let someone lift me up. It's a never ending circle of frustrations towards my conflicting spirit and mind....
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