Atleast I can dream.....

Atleast I can dream.....

I can always dream of things I really want to happen... Because when I dream reality doesn't have a say in anything. Reality doesn't have to righT to barge in and speak it's mind in my dreams: no sir.
My dreams are my safe place right now as I daily find ways I need improvement, daily see how hard this life can be, daily see how I have failed others....
The dreams I have are so simple it's saddening in a way.... One would think that a dream is saved for the extravagant, the outrageous, the impossible...... Not my dreams.... The things that fill my dreams are the every day things that may bore or possibly even frighten some due to the "plain-ness" of them.
My dreams are of waking up next to the man I love... Brewing a pot of coffee while I look out at morning dew over some land grazed by cattle....
My dreams as full of glimpses of a family I long for with the echos of laughter.
My dreams are of cooking full meals and NOT having left overs to hoard my fridge.
My dreams are of driving down dirt roads with wind in my hair and with no limits on time or speed.
My dreams may not seem like dreams to you, but I look forward to every second I get to escape in a blur of a fantasy I wish to some day call my life.
Sure, once I dreamt of flashy things, all the money in the world, being wild and free..... And those dreams were ever so sweet.... But now, now i dream of the things I know will bring immeasurable joy, life, laughter, and love to my life.

So if I'm dreaming, please don't wake me. Let me' hold onto that moment I have before I open my eyes and go through these tough reality dictated days and soak up my dream of the days to come.....

Darby Barksdale
Front Desk Manager
Best Western Atrea
Bryan, Texas
979-731-5300

Trying

In all honesty, I've never felt like this before. I'm so happy with parts of my life yet so frustrated with others.

I've never ever failed at something I've tried hard at. Some people may say I'm not trying hard enough, but when every time you look at something and fail, it's kinda hard to do all that someone else would that is doing better than me. May not make sense, but it does to me. I'm trying. I'm trying all while knowing that I'm going to fail it, not because I'm pessimistic, but because I'm being real with myself.
I mean I've failed college classes before, but never to a degree that will impede my plans and goals for my near future. That's alot of pressure, and that's just from me... don't add in all the pressure from the people funding it and the people who have gone before me and "loved that class, I did well in it".... it's hard!! Yes, I understand that it is one of the hardest classes to pass my senior year, but dear Jesus... failing means I fail not just the class but so much more.

Not only that, but to the people that are behind me they are going to believe that I have sucome to being okay with it, to not trying hard enough or whatever they may throw in my face unknowingly.

I just want to run away. Not an option, I'm very aware of that. But it's an honest feeling at the moment.... to run away from all the stress of this and just breath a little easier. . . I've always looked down at people who quit when they were so close, but now I completely understand why they would. I don't want to, but it's one of those wild fantasies you know won't ever happen but when you think about it a smile crosses your face.

I'm trying.
To all those out there who want to know: I'm trying. Trying as hard as an exhausted person can. My mind is busy with all the other parts of my life that I'm trying to make good... work, family,friends, ((( schooooool ))).

So, there. I'm trying. You may not agree with my stressed attitude or my shortness when you want to come tell me how to do everything... because I am trying to do this in a way that pleases not only my goals but yours for me.

I want to be the person that makes people proud, and at the moment I know that is further away than Pluto when you look at me...

I'm 21. No I'm not grown, but I'm learning to be able to be grown soon because I will be.... and during those first steps of being grown, I'd rather not have to know that I have no shoes to walk in and people looking towards me in disgust telling me they love me. I'm not a horrible person, I'm in love with a great guy whom I love very much, I'm at a great school, I am going to a great school... I'm just in a nice huge gully trying to drudge myself out and leave as little of myself there as possible.

So while I'm going through all of this, while I am trying so hard I can't feel myself half the time... I just want to know I am not going to (once again) lose all the things I love. The fear holds me at bay half the time because usually when things go wrong for me... they go WRONG quick and fingers point at me while I stand their with knives in every crevice of me and people nurse me to health just to let me have it when they think I'm doing better.

Maybe people mean well, I know they usually do... but what if every time you meant well it really didn't go well. Not saying it always works this way, but sometimes it does... and then I look like the bad person because I didn't take it 'well' and let words hurt me. . . I'm sensitive, yeah sure, I want everything to be happy and never have to shed another tear again.... but I cannot change the way I am. . .

I am who I am.
I am trying to be better, trying to not fail so badly....
I am looking towards the things that make me smile and praying they pull me through.

My God has promised he will never give me anything I cannot handle, but did he take this class? haha just kidding. I know He will pull me through, but right now I'm tired and just would like Him to go ahead and do his thing...

Does new furniture initiate a nesting phase???

He fills my holes..... and my pockets sometimes

Today something amazing happened to me....
Today, my God showed His tenderness, caring Love, and power.

I work where I do because it thrives my passion: people, more specifically... caring for people. I love being in a position to make someone smile. I cannot tell you the sheer joy it brings me to have my 'regulars' walk in the door and know me by name and welcome them back.... On my crappiest days, when I get to go to work and talk to people, strangers, and them walk away feeling less away from home... and for me to feel less like I am setting a wake up call for a room they will be in for 1/1083 of their lifes, but I am waking them up to start a great day the next day and hopefully knowing that if they ever need anything during that day, they can trust I will do whatever I can to help them.
This isn't one of those passions that is in my heart so that I may be recognized or so that people will give me praise.... more often than not guests don't really say anything but "thank you" and smile and I feel like I've done my job in life....

With that being said, I had a couple checkin yesterday evening for the second or third time since we opened our hotel. I recognized them because the lady was always very sweet and reminded me of some people I missed at home. Anyway, we struck up a conversation and it led to her telling me she really wanted to stay at our hotel next weekend... ((( one of the nights being sold out))) I let her know I could see what I can do but there were no promises. So we continued talking about other things, and it came up she was staying somewhere not so nice next weekend.... so I told her I would make a few phone calls and see what I can do. Well, turns out I was able to book her with us and cancel her previous reservation somewhere else without charge.
I called the lady and told her only to get a piercing squeal of excitment resound in my eardrum. It was like I had told her she won the lottery. That alone had made my evening (which was a bit cloudy from some negativity in the office). The lady could have done nothing else and I would have (and did) consider myself blessed by her joy. With her confirmation I included a note telling her how thankful I was for her enthusiasm for our hotel and her willingness to trust me. I let her and her husband know that I considered myself blessed for being able to serve them.....

Well, this morning I was back at work ((whoohooo)) and saw that she had not picked up her confirmation and note from the front desk. I came around the corner to tell them good morning and give them their letters, only to be caught offguard by a warm embrace. (these people are just precious) And then again, that alone made my quite stressful morning a bit better.

Later this morning, when she had come back from her brunch with her ladies from high school (( MOM )), she was across the lobby and motioned for me to come over and see her. So I did.... only to be greeted by her telling me to hold out my hand and not let go. I had to decline, there was no way I was going to take monetary gifts from a guest just from doing my job... but she insisted. She said her and her husband tried to think of something to get me but couldn't think of anything better than simply giving me an opportunity to get something I needed or wanted.....

and that they did.... they gave me not only money that took about 93028470 pounds off of my shoulder worrying about bills... but she was a vessel that God placed in my life to give me that nudge I needed to look up and trust in Him always.

The point of this is: God knew my desperate need at the moment, He knew that I was going crazy trying to right wrongs and be better while still being in a ditch I dug myself...... He knew. And more than that, He knew I needed to be reminded that He is in control, He will take care of me. I need not worry, but that if I follow Him, if I look at Him, if I love as He loves.... then things will work out.

Things will work out.

Period.

It may not be how I want it, the timing I want it, or even the lessons I want along the way... but in the end (and through it all) He is watching over me.

The moment I looked into my hand to see what she had given me.... I couldn't find a closet quick enough... I couldn't but help to get on my knees and just let loose the tears.... My God, my Jesus.... was very very real and very close to me. And ohhh how beautiful it was.

I am not super woman, I'm not the best Front Desk Manager ever, I am by no means the best student, I may not be good with money, I fall on my face more often than not.... but My God IS perfect enough to fill in my holes and complete me... from being prisioner of this world and it's troubles to enjoying the fresh air....

I pray that I will not forget this anytime soon or EVER. I pray that He will remind me in my darkest place how He provided in a very real way.... and you know what, he always will provide. :)

Great beginning to an ending of an era...

Life is so interesting.

I haev found myself being completely blown away by undeserving blessings, great laughs, friendships, and moments etched into my heart never to be removed.... This month of September was that month I had been longing for... a month of refreshing my faith in the good things in life... celebrating the present while remembering the past and looking forward to what can come.

To say September was good would be an understatement. I feel like I have grown more this month than I have in a while... there were no big speed bumps or walls that I ran into that impeded my progress and positivity. Over and over again God was surprising me with the way He works and how He ALWAYS has things under control. After months of feeling like things were spinning like a whirlwind out of control, I found peace in the palm of His hand.

This month I finally got my Aggie ring! It is and was amazing. Getting this ring was a long awaited moment, not only since my freshman year but from as far as I can remember knowing what an Aggie ring was. This little ring made of gold in my hand is so beautiful! It stands for everything I love about being an Aggie, and that I have made it to my SENIOR year at this beautiful institution. I was lucky to have those I love around me the day I got my ring and I cannot tell you how very much my heart was overflowing that night. I felt so incredibly loved and wish I could say how much I appreciated each person being by my side. I will never forget that day and thankfully if I try to, all I have to do is look down at my right hand and see that gold shine! :)

I have started to realize the whole "senior year in college" thing means everything. It means classes are harder than ever, while senioritus is in full swing..... and it means that in less than 12 months I will be out on my own... a real person... !! I'm very excited for it, but realizing daily that I have to depend on God's direction to lead me where I need to go. I have some options at hand right now, but want to make sure I go where He wants me because I know without a doubt that if I don't... well it just won't work. "We make plans and God laughs" So with that being said.... it's scary as all get out but thrilling as well. It's like the climb up that really high rollercoaster before that crazy thrill of the rest of the ride.

And lastly: people in my life are just AMAZING. I am so blessed. Mr. Ely is absolutely amazing. Daily he reminds me how special I am and gives me that extra boost I need on some days to smile. Mr. Ely is blowing my mind with his love for me, I never once thought I could feel like this with someone and it be so genuine..... the other day we were talking and he asked me what this feeilng was, that love was such a cliche word for it because in his heart it felt like so much more... then he said "well, ya know, maybe this is what people feel and talk about when they talk about true love..." (((MELTED))) I know it's cheesy, I know we've been through alot... but I also know that I completely understand what he means.... there are days when I just ask the Lord how He could ever have blessed me so much because my heart is just overflowing.... Not just for Mr. Ely but everyone I am directly in relations with. Those friends I have today are friends that have a deep deep connection with my heart and I truly believe that I am not the only one who feels that way. I am so blessed. My family is amazing....

THINGS ARE JUST GOOD.

There are days where the simple stress of school and working and managing those great relationships get to me, but there is always something in the middle of that stress that reminds me how blessed I am, that makes me look up and see the blessings I have and the things He is preparing for my future.

Hoping for more goodness to come...

Facing the fact

Choices.

I've been taught since before I can remember that each choice one makes in life has a consequence, be it good or bad, it has a consequence.

Scientifically: every action has a reaction

Life: every little thing you choose to do or not to do directly effects something or someone in your life, could just be you... could be a whole nation... but every choice a person makes has an effect.

Sometimes I really think some people have no idea the effect their choices have on others because they are too busy going along with their choice. I once was like that: stubborn, driven by a choice I made and could care less about how it effected others because to me it was simply my choice ergo it was only for me. Boy was I wrong.

No matter how little or how big a choice that you make in life, it still effects others and will consequently effect you as well. The consequences for yourself (good or bad) may not be seen right after you choose something, but they are imminent. Not as in 'God will punish you' imminent, but that the choices we make will always play out to have some sort of consequence in life.

God has a plan, yes. He knows each step we take, each choice we make before we choose it... this has always been something that baffled me because I couldn't understand why He would know that I would walk off course and away from Him and it still be part of my plan.... that was until the day came that I realized that every choice, bad or good, had taught me something and formed me into the woman I am today. Looking back I probably would have changed some decisions because then I possibly would not have dealt with the ongoing consequences of them, but yet I would not know the power of forgiveness, love, and ultimately God himself.

I see in life today people who are protected from their consequences.... people who are hidden away while the 'bad times' pass over them... people who are so busy running from their consequences they completely lose the power of life in the moment and quite possibly lose every good thing they come in contact with because they are so busy running. None of that helps a person grow. It infuriates me to see a parent protect or make excuses for their child's action because that teaches the kid nothing.... you wind up having a 30 year old member of society not knowing how to deal with a conflict or anything negative for that matter because mom and dad let them believe the falsity that everything was always okay for them because they didn't really do anything "too wrong". Having to face your demons gives a person character, it allows a child/or anyone for that matter make the decision to let the demon take over their life, or ultimately have faith that His strength can overcome it.

I face my demons daily for decisions I've made in the past or the decisions I made a month ago.... I face them not to be defeated, but so that I can, with His strength, defeat them once and for all and be that much stronger and wiser the next time around. Every choice I make is not just about me, it's about my family, my loved ones, and even my dog. I thank God for giving me the parents that taught me, or better yet, let me learn about consequences... and even to this day I thank them for not letting me 'get away' with choices I make.


So, even though sometimes I feel selfish and want to make a decision simply because of what I want... ultimately it's not just about me.

I just wish more people understood that (not saying I am perfect or better than anyone because I will be the first to admit that I am flawed), and I pray that those who are selfish and never look around to see how their choices are effecting others will one day pause long enough to see the damage done and learn from it.

Following my Heart

"I may be a fool when this is all said and done,
but if I am the fool that has you by my side.... I'll be willing to be a fool til the end"

Over the past few months my life has been no where close to smooth sailing. It has been a few months of the worst moments of my life and some of the absolute sweetest soul refreshing moments I've ever experienced. Life has showed me it's cards, it's dealt me a few really rough rounds, but I am still in the game. I haven't lost all my chips.

Mr. Ely and I have had a few, or really one, major issue. I never thought someone could ever hurt me so much because I never had loved anyone so much. Through our short 6 month relationship before we broke up, it was lots of ups and downs. Doubts from people in my life flared up and put doubts in my head.... and then, those doubts were fleshed out right in front of my face. I am still to this day haunted at times of the picture of Mr. Ely kissing the head of someone that wasn't me.

Over the month that we were not together I had a chance to clear my mind, to get my thoughts together. I wanted nothing to do with Mr. Ely, yet I didn't wish him ill or pain or anything of the sort. I wanted him to just be happy since he, for what I thought, was not enough with me for some reason. I never once voiced my deep aches to see him, to love him, to be with him again.... When we finally faced each other, I didn't want him to see anything but the pain he had brought into my heart... I wanted him to see the agony and pain while also seeing that all I ever wanted was to be able to have him by my side and the he alone had ruined that for us. May sound bitter, may sound quite harsh.... but that's what I wanted and felt like he deserved (other than a swift kick in his juegos.... ).
When he walked in my house.... my heart just rose to my throat. All of the feelings that I wanted to show were scrambled with the feelings of wanting his arms around me and tell me that it was all just one bad nightmare. Mr. Ely had arms that wrapped me up and kept me safe from the world........ safe from everything but him. That day, after watching the strength from him seep right out onto the ground in every tear he cried, after telling him how much he ruined my hopes and dreams with him in my life... after kissing his face and telling him how he ruined the beauty of a kiss....

He just held me, and I held him.

Then he left, I told him goodbye because my head wanted him to walk out that door and never come back, but my heart screamed silently of the love he and I had.

Once emotions calmed down, or should I say the strength to hold them in rose.... we spoke again. Mr. Ely came to me with ways he wanted to be better, with things he had done wrong, with apologies for not only that one night but for other times that he had hurt me.... he came to me with the love that we had shared and put it right under my nose, not to entice me into a trap, but to show me his heart, raw and uncut. He had, over the month of being apart, decided what he knew he wanted.

I had a choice:

Follow my heart and the love I wanted to suppress and would most likely spend the rest of my life suppressing....

or....

... move forward without him and always look back wondering what if.....

The past month has been the a month of two people re-learning each other, two hearts quenching a thirst that they believed once was gone.

It has been very scary for my heart and I believe it will probably be scary for a while, doubt and a hundred different emotions I never thought existed has bubbled up inside me. But the difference is, the Mr. Ely now is one that has patience with those feelings... the Mr. Ely I know today, something has changed in him... His heart is tender, I feel like when he looks at me, I can now see his soul. A soul that he once had told me was cold and empty, but a soul now that has hope.

The people that have been around me through this know that I did not want this to go back to anything like it was, that I thought about this, prayed about it, watered my pillows with enough tears I'm almost positive I just needed to add a little detergent and they'd be squeaky clean....

Forgiveness is not one of my best fortes, but I look at how my God forgives me when I kiss another... how could I not forgive and give another chance? Mr. Ely doesn't deserve me to so much as look his way, but I don't for one moment deserve the breath I have in my lungs either. Forgiveness when you love someone is something that you do not for the other person only, but for yourself as well. (or atleast that's what I am finding out) Forgiving Mr. Ely set some of me free, I finally realized the chains I wrapped around my heart because I had not fully understood forgiveness.

So, for those of you that think I'm a fool.... okay. I understand. Completely. And if I end up at the end of this broken and shattered by Mr. Ely again... then, well, I am a fool. But, buuuut.... If I end up hand in hand with Mr. Ely sharing the love I know he and I both feel for each other and living a life that we both want so desperately to have, I'll gladly say that I am a fool for forgiving, but a fool that cannot doubt the power of love.



Read Redeeming Love.
The power of love....
The power of forgiveness....
The struggles of both....

The last line in that book is a 'prayer' that will define my life and hopefully one day my marriage:

"Love the Lord your God, and love one another. Love one another as He loves. Love with strength and purpose and passion and no matter what comes against you. Don't weaken. Stand agaisnt the darkness, and love. Thats the way back into Eden. That's the way back to life. "

Wake me from my disenchanting paper dreams
Shake me from my drunken deadly sleep
Take me to my healing sweet Virginia please
They've broken my reflection
And I am in need

Take apart the smiles they've stapled to my face
Make them take the needles out of me
Help me stitch these stinging cuts where I still bleed
They've broken my reflection
And I am in need

Soak me in the sunshine
Rinse me in the rain
The smell of hate surrounds me
And I want to love again
Wrap me in the feathers lost from angel's wings
They've broken my reflection
And I am in need

Seconds leave my life just like the wind leaves me
Minutes fall like dead November leaves
If I have betrayed you Lord with my conceit
I'm begging your forgiveness
Cause I am in need

Soak me in the sunshine
Rinse me in the rain
The smell of hate surrounds me
And I want to love again
Wrap me in the feathers lost from angel's wings
They've broken my reflection
And I am in need
-Wade Bowen
Broken Reflection

I cannot express my heart any better than this song does right now.

"I am in need"

I cry out for rest in my heart, I cry out for peace to come with my restless heart... I know He hears my cries, I know He is there. He has blessed me greatly with so many things, yet.... yet here I am... in need.

"wrap me in the feathers lost from angels wings."

It seems as though I keep searching for this peace, getting it at times in the most amazing ways, then BAM here comes something out from a blindspot and I'm back on my knees. More and more I feel alone in my struggle to find peace... I know that I'm not alone in life, but in these struggles, in these frustrations, in these land mines that are hidden and safe for everyone else to walk over... I feel alone. I feel like the past months of betrayal and hurt have all but wrecked my insides and left me shattered, scrambled, and torn apart. I feel like my stress and illness is not something that I can fix, that I can deal with even... so it worries me more. What am I doing wrong in life to have such restlessness and confusion?
Why can't I atleast do right for one person in my life? Much less myself?

I'm tired of trying to 'vent' these things out.... I am simply IN NEED right now. I feel like David in the cave.... in a dark cold place crying out for his Savior to hear his cries. And our Savior just listens, whispers the promises of the future being good and to find satisfaction in that while we are still cold and in need. Those around me are here to listen to all of my internal strifes....yet after all, what could they do? I love each angel in my life, but none of them can reach in and really know what war is being raged inside of me. Plus, everyone that ever mattered to me somehow I did something to make them run from me, so... wouldn't a friend with internal strife send anyone running? Probably. After all, those people that were there for years before all of this and knew me before the wars began walked away without hesitation or even looking back.

I am in need to be better for those around me, to be able to love them in their needs without thinking of myself for one second... without worrying if I will taint them or hurt them or worse yet, bring them down and to be able to love them fully, wholly and purely...

I so desperately want to know I haven't brought all of this on myself because every betrayal I look back on someone has laid blame on me at some point or another, every pain I have faced has been told to me to be my own doings... and in that how do I find rest?


I have come to the conclusion that internal confusion and restlessness is the worst feeling in the world. It tops heartache because it incorporates it in it's daily wounds. The heartache of lost friendship seldom forgets to knock on my soul each day. The pain of betrayal and trust that was broken has seeped deep into parts of my soul that were once pure, once whole... parts I thought were bound and anchored. Fears of not being adequate in parts of my life that I so desperately love haunt me each moment I walk into the door of a place that was once my joy. Knowledge and proof of letting my parents down torture me daily, words said of their thoughts of my attitude towards them contradict the genuine gratitude and thankfulness I have for them. Each day I wake up with hopes that Strength will come and fight away these demons so that my wounds may heal... some days parts of me get rest from the fights, some days my bandages aren't ripped to shreds by more attacks... and then some days even sleep does not carry rest. Words of encouragement come my way and instead of me taking them for face value, I am reminded of other encouragement, other words that were empty and question the depth of authenticity in peoples words.... then I am outraged at myself for not just being able to let someone lift me up. It's a never ending circle of frustrations towards my conflicting spirit and mind....

....life is found outside my doorway

Hi,

My name is Darby. Some could know me by: confused, emotional, completely insane, silent, annoying, faithfully faithless at times, hard as a rock while being soft as a feather, beaten and bruised while hard as steal, hopefully optimistic and bitter towards life... All of those things could describe me completely at this moment in time.

After what I've been through over the past 3 months, you'd think I would be out of tears, you think that my 'give a damn' would be busted.... but due to this heart, ohhhh this heart, that my dear Father God gave me, it's not. My 'give a damn' is actually in full swing..... but aimed at myself. For once I am trying to be selfish, to know what I need and want, not what others would expect from me. I want to follow my heart, I may be a fool for doing it but my heart has always been my compass and I don't forsee that part of me changing one bit.

I've had my heart completely ripped out of my chest, stomped on, spit on, and then tenderly picked up by those angels He provided, and my Jesus' nail scarred hands. Throughout all of it, I knew my heart would never be the same.

I questioned God, His faith in me being able to handle all of this.... I questioned why he brought this upon me, what he wants me to learn.... and why He would allow it to happen when my heart was so tender from the wounds only a month or so beforehand. I asked why Mr. Ely, of all people to hurt me and of all the ways to hurt me.... I asked myself why God thought me to be strong enough to handle the love of my life looking me in the eye while he kissed another.... and why He thought I would be able to forgive... I questioned my guilt... I thought it would just be eaiser if I knew I had pushed him to hurt me so that I couldn't feel like it was just 'a mistake'.... that if I was to blame in some way that I could deal with it better... that I could forgive Mr. Ely because then it wouldn't all be his fault....

But that isn't true.
The truth is and always will be: I loved Mr. Ely with all of me. Heart, mind, and soul. Thought Mr. Ely was the one that my father would trust to spoil me and take care of me for the rest of my life. The love I had for Mr. Ely was one of completely complexity, willingness to walk through the fire for him to be by my side... not that I wanted to, but something in me said it was gonna be worth it. Something in me said that no matter how many times I was let down, that one day it would be worth it.
I don't know if that one day will ever come now, but I DO NOT for one second regret loving him and I don't think I ever will. The love I shared with Mr. Ely was passionate, deep, and true. I don't know what caused him to throw it away like he did, and I don't know if it will ever come back.... but I do know that the truth is that I loved him with all of me.
The truth is, I am not to blame for the mistake Mr. Ely made in a time of weakness. I did nothing but love him with everything I had, and I have no blame in his stupid ways. . .

Maybe that's why all of this is so confusing, yet, in the midst of the pain God has put angels by my side to help me walk through this valley and hold my hand when I needed someone to catch me... He provided people that love me and have shown what true friendship is really all about. I cannot thank them or Him enough for the love, encouragement, and laughter they have brought into this broken time of my life.

Over the past two weeks I have felt freedom, I have felt true joy, and I have felt complete and utter brokenness. The type of brokenness that I have never experienced and the type that I pray I never have to go through again... or anyone around me has to face.

My health has failed me lately and that's just down right frustrating. . . I want so badly to feel 100 percent in body so that my heart and mind may follow but it's just not doing what I want it to do right now.... and my parents can vouch, that sometimes that just doesn't go over too well. I've prayed over and over again for God to take the pain I feel away, for I know He alone is the Healer.... but He hasnt' yet. I pray daily for the doctors that know my case to be given the wisdom to help me and the right tools to be given to them to help ease my pain. Medications can only do so much, I desperately want to be able to function normally again, to work again, to stand up for more than 30 minutes again.... the medication can only do so much.

So as you can tell, in the midst of a break down in my spirit, my body decided to join. It's no fun. Not only do I just want to sit in bed all day and not face people due to my heart, but I want to sit in bed and not face people becasue in my bed I can let tears out from the pain, I can curl up in a ball and relieve some of it...

But life isn't found in bed alone....life is found outside my doorway.

Life must go on, no matter how confused I may be. No matter how much pain I may be in, life goes on.

When all else fails, just be happy.

There are things in life that you go through that you don't understand, that are painful and you have a time of feeling lost.... then there are things you go through that are tough but you can face them with the biggest smile on your face and say "BRING IT"....

The latter of those two times have been upon me. I never thought I would ever have to witness someone I love blatantly hurting me and doing so in a way that could have easily sent me down a very dark path of self doubt and pain. But at the moment of enlightenment, I felt just that.... enlightened. I felt like I knew the truth finally and was able to move on. That doesn't take the pain away, that doesn't take the anger of someone hurting me or not being able to face it themselves..... but it simply allows me to be where I am today: HAPPY.

Yes. I said it.

I am HAPPY. Completely and utterly Happy.

I honestly haven't been this happy in a long time. I thank my Jesus for ever second I have a smile on my face, because I know it's from Him and Him alone. He sent angels my way that night and they haven't left my side. Not only that, but people have been praying for me and encouraging me in ways that blow my mind.... I knew I was loved and cared for before but my Jesus just sent an army to my side to let me know that not only does He have me in the palm of His hands but his army of believers that love me are right there next to me standing at attention, ready to fight. It is an amazing feeling. Truly awe inspiring.

Over the past two weeks I have been reminded of the simple joys in life, of how laughter really is the best medicine, and how God has a plan.... it may be some really odd way of doing things, but His plan will succeed and truly Glorify Him.

I truly have angels in my life right now and I am soooooo very happy they spread their wings over me when they did. I look forward to each day because I know it will bring some sort of hope and laughter, and to be honest, it had been a while where a day brought pure joy.


I believe that times in our lives happen for reasons, people come in and out of your life to show us things about ourselves.... As we go through this journey in life, I want to be able to look back and be thankful for His gifts and hold my head high and know that it all happened for a reason. All the tears, all the laughter, all the fond memories of people I cared for.... everything.
Joy is a gift that must be cherished, laughter is forever stamped onto our hearts, and the heartaches we face will only be a reminder of how good that joy is.... heartaches lead us to the joys in life. Crazy huh?

Go Ahead and Tell Me

Fine, I know you are all dying to say it, that oh so spiteful phrase that you throw at someone once they've done wrong and you tried to tell them: 'I told you so'.

Mr. Ely. Oh Mr. Ely. How he has proven to be the child that I didn't want him to be. How he has proven to be the most untrustworthy and dispicable person I know. And to think, I looked for the good in him.

But through all of this, I am so happy to have found the love of friends. For the light I have found and the protection I have found through this. Sometimes you have to go through things to realize the full meaning of the little details you didn't really see.

I am at peace but definately heart broken.

Please keep me in your prayers and praise be to my Savior for His EVERLASTING, UNWAIVERING, UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.

"Love takes the patience of Job, that's what my momma always said"

I've tried and tried to analyze things, to find blame in myself for the way things fell through.... After about a month of it, I just cannot do it. I cannot wrap my head around people whom claim they love me and would always be there for me to just walk out on me and leave a huge knife in my back.
Do not get me wrong, there were things I could have said or shouldnt' have said, but I fought for months to talk face to face, told people over and over again how much I loved them and tried to give people an opportunity to talk and for me to listen.
So with that being said in a very honest and to the point way, I must say that I have learned so much.
I have learned that the blessings of today should be counted before they walk away.
I have learned that people no matter how much you care for them or would do anything for them, sometimes people are seasons in your life.

I have learned that a broken heart that I've felt at the end of a breakup is not just reserved for breaking up with boyfriends.
I have learned that sometimes this road I'm on takes some curves without warning signs so in order to still stay on the road, I must look at the towards my Compass a bit more.
I have learned about the truth in love.... the truth in the love of my family, those friends that have been there forever, and truth in the love I have with Mr. Ely.

I have learned that sometimes standing alone does not mean not having people in your life, but knowing that (with the patience of Job) I will be okay.


By no means have I learned all there is to learn from this crazy time in my life, but I am finally to a point to where my anger does not blur my eyes, that the tears are healing, and that I don't try to hide alone anymore. This doesn't mean that the pain is gone of losing those people whom I care about so deeply, but the pain is fading. Not to say it doesn't come up and bite me in the but at times, but it is slowly going away. I think about it daily, I rearranged and decorated my house so I did not have to daily look at what once was.... but its strange.

Maybe one day things will be back to normal or on a steady smooth straight away, but until then, I'm becoming quite at hugging the curves thrown my way. Maybe one day I'll be professional at handling heartbreak so it won't hurt so bad... who knows.

June is suppose to carry hope. I declare that daily. I declare that His promises and mercies are anew daily and that this month is the beginning of a new chapter. I declare His goodness daily. So I have faith my God will pull through and give me some hope, well continue to give me hope. He has been faithful thus far, I just know my wounds still need nursing and that my God will continue to breath into my lungs so that I can make the full recovery.

(( deep breath ))

Here goes week #3 of June, and week #3 of this chapter that I'm unsure of.

My heart, oh my heart

My heart, oh my heart..... battered and bruised it still beats. My Savior still keeps it pumping and keeps my eyes open. I always knew this life was hard, I knew that things most likely wouldn't always end up in a perfect fairy tale...... but I never expected things to happen like this.

Some I can blame on myself.

Some I cannot.

Some things happen for reasons that I won't know for years, some of the scars that my heart will bear are not for me but for others to learn from...

All of this I know but all of this knowledge does not take the pain away.
The only thing that helps as a pain relief is to be encompassed in His loving arms.... and sometimes the occasional sobbing... but that's the woman in me.

It was not until Friday that I fell completely and totally at His feet and gave up. I told Him I absolutely could not do it any longer. I couldn't wrap my heart around the pain and confusion, nor could I hold my head up to face the next blow. I was in desperate need of my Savior, correction, I am constantly in need of my Savior. It was then when a rush of peace came over me. Now, that doesn't mean that I didn't cry after that moment, that doesn't mean that I haven't prayed prayers of anguish asking him why.... it simply means I know right now and from that moment that Darby could not do this. No matter how much my family loves me or the friends left standing by my side held my hand.... nothing but His strength could get me through and bandage my gushing wounds.
These past few weeks have been probably some of the hardest times I have ever faced. My friends have stuck knives in my back, my heart has been shattered, and my body has been weak. But now that I have given up wanting to fix it all, wanting to make sense of it all.... I have a light of Hope shining through this dark night in my life. This valley although it is painful and gloomy, my God is still in control. My faith, althought a bit shaken, stands on His Truth that no matter what He puts me through, He will be there and He will lead me through it. I may not can see the end of the tunnel, or the rise in elevation, but by-gollee it's there. Not only is it there, but His plan for my life is for good and hope. I believe that with all of my heart. The next steps may be a bit weak, but it's only His strength that will pull me through.

He has ways of showing me these things in a very matter of fact way... In the midst of this storm, He called out to me and gave me assurance that He was watching every step....
Friday afternoon on my way to work, I had called my dear father and just told him I was having a really rough day, that things were tough. Being the amazing encourager he is, dad just said, "Darby, it's gonne be a good day. Starting now. You just have to declare it." (( insert Darby crying for the 1230498 time that day ))
So after hanging up the phone and composing myself, I just told the world (in my car) that I was gonna have a good night. It was gonna be good. And I walked myself into work and started on that 'good' night.
Nevertheless, God knew that I was really about to have a great night.
I had a meeting with my managers to be told that they were offering me a Front Desk Manager position.
(WHOOOOOOOOOOOOP)
Withot hesitation I took the position and walked out of the office, only to stop in the middle of the room and just stare. God knew. GOD KNEW! Not only that, His timing was impecable, His love was so evident, and His handprint was all over that moment. I didn't know really how to react other than just to stare til my friend/boss asked me if I wanted a hug... 'uhm yeah I guess that'd be a good thing'...

All of this to say, My God Loves. He is gonna take care of me. My heart will one day once again be whole in His hands. He is nursing my wounds, and those scars that will form will show of His glory and tell of His truth in life.
People are human, friends come and go, love burns and smolders like coals.... but He is constant.

It's the Bumps that make you stronger

The fear of being alone never really struck me until lately. . .

I am ashamed to say I find myself forgetting the omnipocent Love and Peace that I have within my soul.... moments go by that I remember and have peace, but then the darkness has a way of creeping over me, feeding me it's lies, and inticing me with it's salty tears. Those moments are empty and clasp a hold of my mind stronger than they should. They tell me of my faults, my failures, the 'what-if's' of my life, the ugliness I birthed in my life.... they tell me that when I listen... When my ears are tuned to hearing of those transgressions, the come in loud and clear like a trumpet resounding from two feet away, deafening my heart and numbing me.

Yet, there is hope for me. There is a way to create a static to that sound...
No matter what I do, that darkness, that coldness that is within me is wiped away when I think of my Savior's love. His gentle whisper sets my heart to life again. He whispers to me through song, through the love of those around me, through the sun shining on my face... His hope carries me, His love is my Rock and my deliverence during this time of trial.

(reminds me of Romans 7 and 8)

I have been through a lot in my life, just like most.... but you know, most people do not have the amazing family that I do. Without them, that darkness would be resounding more often than His peaceful whisper. Don't get me wrong, we haven't always had the best relationship... there have been times I can guarantee you they asked God for his peace through times of trouble with me, times where it was dark for all of us.... but as always, His will previaled. His will of guiding us to the past few weeks where they were pillars in my life to hold me up, to be part of Christ's sheltering cover from the storms that are rolling through.
Although I feel alone in this storm at times, my family is always there for me. They came to me in a time of struggles, in a time of need and held me close. They asked the hard questions out of love and trusted the answers.... My family has always taught me more from doing than from their words, they have given me the best examples of how to be a friend and how to love in times of hardship.


Going back to the fear of being alone thing......

It's only lately where I have ever begged not to be left alone. I hated every second of it. I have never been so vunerable. I sound like I am miserable and sulking.... that's not really the case. I just have my moments where the lies get the best of me, where the drama of life fills my mind and breaks my heart... when my heart breaks, it doesn't just crack with one solid crack and it's done, but it shatters... especially when love is lost or wounded. I love with passion, a trait I embrace and hate at times... this would be one of those times. It's very hard for me to turn my heart off to people, even when they have hurt me. It's very hard to turn off the volume on the mouths of liars when all I want to do is listen hoping that somewhere in them they'll realize I care and hate what is going on.... but sometimes things just don't really work the way I want them to. This God of mine sees the big picture and knows what these storms will produce in my future, I just have to trust Him.

So like Mr. Ely says:

"It's the bumps in the road and the hard times that make you stronger."

(PS: Mr. Ely and I's relationship can speak truth to that saying.... our hard times thus far has made us so much stronger and validated things that we feel to be true. He has held my hand through some of the hardest moments I've faced and been the man beside me when all is crumbling around me. He surprises me with his strength, wisdom, and genuine care for me and our relationship. Others may not recognize it, but it is nice to know I am in a mature relationship that can face things head on and walk away from it hand in hand. )

So here's to a week that I turn off the lies and on the Truth, with each step I will look towards Him and thank Him for the family and love I have in my life. Here's to the week of pressing onward and not looking back anymore....

No, dear brothers and sisters, I am still not all I should be, but I am
focusing all my energies on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking
forward to what lies ahead, I strain to reach the end of the race and receive
the prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us up to heaven
'Philippians 3:13-14

Week from H-E- double hockey sticks!

Well the past week was definately one of those weeks I would love to have an erase button for. But as we all know, there is no such thing.

So since there isn't that beautiful dreamt about 'erase' or backspace button for reality, we are always faced with dealing with hard times and things that you can't just erase. How people deal with those times are what shows the true character and heart of individuals. And honestly, I don't really know how well I dealt with this non-eraseable week.....

Things I have taken away from this week:

1. no matter how much we want to be done with the past, sometimes the past doesn't want to be done with us.... and that means even pasts that are not your own. Life has a funny way of coming around again sometimes, and usually when you are least prepared for it. But it is how you deal with the past is what defines you and the circumstance. It's easy to get angry about the past coming into the future, especially if it's not welcome... but you can't ignore it. It has to be dealt with and placed properly back into the past. Now you see, some people have a very difficult time doing that. Some people looooove to hold on to the past, not get over it, and expect others to realize that it isn't the past just yet for them.... and that's when things get tricky. Atleast that's when things got tricky for Mr. Ely and I. Details are besides the point--- the point is: the past reared it's ugly little head back into the spotlight only to cause a bit of discomfort, anxiety, and emotional strain.... but only for a moment... because I have realized that I have the choice to put it in the past or let it have the power over me and be part of the present.

2. I am poopy. I failed miserably this past week at letting Christ have control ergo letting no so stable Darby have the riens and screw things up. Christ is the only one who can EVER take care of my emotions, my stress, my doubts.... and if I do not let Him have all of those, they take over, turning me into someone I don't like.

3. I am blessed to have people around me that love me and trust me.
Through this hellacious week I have discovered who trusts my word, who knows me better than I thought they did, and relationships that are stronger than I imagined. I have a mother and father that were there for me through all of the struggles this week brought, and kept calm despite the obvious knee jerk reaction of some events to quite possible freak out considerably. The relationship that I have with Mr. Ely is one that is very strong, that was tested by some vicious flames this week, and came out refined. Knowing someone like I know Mr. Ely and someone knowing me like he knows me is a very special thing.... there are parts of each other than no one else really understands, knows how to deal with, or even accepts that we do. We are both very stubborn, sometimes that's a bad thing... but we have discovered that no matter how much our stubbornness leads to small bumps in our road... our stubbornness to keep walking hand in hand on that road outweights all of it. I have also discovered some truths about my life and the people in it that is hard to swallow. My relationships are changing, and God is putting people in my life at certain moments to help me not only deal with the other relationships changing, but to help me become who He wants me to be. Old friends and new friends alike....
4. Sometimes you do stupid stuff to people you love, but when they love you back despite the stupid things...... it is the most amazing feeling in the world.
(( i think that speaks for itself ))

...love like crazy...

Change.
The one thing in life that is guaranteed: Change.
The one thing I don't really do well with when it comes to people I love....

Change.


All of this to say, as I have grown up a bit more over the past few years and been further from family than I was for eighteen years, I struggle sometimes with change....
There are times that I break down and cry because I miss people so much.
Life is never constant, people come in and out of peoples lives, people are called Home early and not according to my plan.... life pushes and pulls people together and apart. Looking back on life is the only way to remember some people because you'll never have future moments with them...
For instance:
I desperately miss my grandparents. Over the past year or so I have had an ache in me, a pain deep in my soul stemming from regret of not listening closer, of not realizing how quickly things were going to change and never be the same. I can't get Pawpaw back to ask him about my beloved Texas A&M University while he was here.... I can't be with Grammie in her kitchen ever again for her to teach me one more time how to make her special cakes and breakfast... I can't spend enough time with Memaw or Papaw because they are so far away and being on the phone with them is too hard because it reminds me of how much I just want to sit and be with them.
And yes, dear dad, I understand that's part of life and I have to get over it.... but you see, my heart is not understanding the things my mind knows about life.
But here's the good things that I remember and will never forget:

• All those times Grammie and Papaw and I would go fishing and we'd wake up super early to dig for worms then be out on the lake for most of the day. I will never be able to bait my hook and not remember Grammies hands or Papaw making fun of my baby fish I always seemed to catch on my first cast. I now have a deep respect for fishing, not because I like the sport, but because of all the memories that flood me when I have a pole in my hand and water ahead of me. I will carry those with me til the day I die, and pray that I get to share that same respect with my children and grandchildren to come.
  
• That Southern Baptist preachers have the best jokes and strongest voices. Although i was only six, the day that my grandfather baptised me will be very special to me. I don't remember many things from that day other than walking down in to the water and my Pawpaw grabbing my hand so gently yet so firmly so that it was forever etched in the palm of my hand along with my heart. There's alot about Jerry Dawson that I didn't get to know, alot that I wished I could say that I knew well, but I do know that he changed people by being in their life, me being one of them.
  
• My heartaches wern't the first and certainly won't be the last, and it's best if you listen to the women in your life because they know pretty well how it feels, especially if they have your same blood..... My beloved grandmother and mother have been two of my confidants and cheerleaders as I have made my way into the tough part of being a woman. They have showed me how to love, how to be friends, how to fight for what you believe in, and how most of all Jesus Christ is the only man that will never break my heart, even in the smallest ways. As I have gotten older, I realize how their advice has helped me and they usually are the first to know about any of my heartaches... spending time with just the three of us is some of my favorite times, even if we do fuss at each other.
  

There are times I wish I could go back and just record every little thing that people tell me so that I won't forget, times where I wish I could go back and just take a picture of one moment so it would never fade from my memory.... but I can't really do that. So my mission now, through the heartbreak of knowing the painful truths of life, is to live fully soaking up each little thing with every person in my life. To honor those I miss by carrying on the things I do remember about them in my daily life and to live my heart out so that those around me will never question how I feel about them or how much they mean to me.

So here goes nothing... living this life and loving like crazy........

They called them crazy when they started out
Said seventeen's too young to know what loves about
They've been together fifty-eight years now
That’s crazy

He brought home sixty-seven bucks a week
He bought a little 2 bedroom house on Maple Street
Where she blessed him with six more mouths to feed
Yea that’s crazy

Just ask him how he did it; he'll say pull up a seat
It'll only take a minute, to tell you everything
Be a best friend, tell the truth, and overuse I Love You
Go to work, do your best, don't outsmart your common since
Never let your prayin' knees get lazy
And love like crazy

They called him crazy when he quit his job
Said them home computers, boy they'll never take off
He sold his one man shop to Microsoft
They paid like crazy

Just ask him how he made it
He'll tell you faith and sweat
And the heart of a faithful woman,
Who never let him forget

Be a best friend, tell the truth, and overuse I Love You
Go to work, do your best, don't outsmart your common since
Never let your prayin knees get lazy
And love like crazy

Always treat your woman like a lady
Never get to old to call her baby
Never let your prayin knees get lazy
And love like crazy

They called him crazy when they started out
They've been together fifty-eight years now

Aint that crazy?

Lee Brice, Love like Crazy

Well, today I just wanna be thankful.

I want to be thankful for the people in my life, the sunshine outside, and the lessons I learn through scraping my knees.

I want to be thankful for the road ahead, for the road behind me.

I want to be thankful for all the blessings that went unnoticed, and all the blessings that rocked my world.

I want to be thankful for all the words from friends when I was down, and all those crazy things we do when we're up.

I want to be thankful for that amazing family I have that sends rays of sun into gloomy days and encourages me just when I need it.

I want to be thankful for the memories I have with those special people that I don't get to be with anymore and the joy that one day I will be standing next to them in my Father's House.

I want to be thankful for all those tears I've cried that watered the seeds that were planted and grew into the joys of today.

I want to be thankful for friends that I know I can count on even if I haven't seen them in years, and those whom I see every day.

I want to be thankful for the prayers that are prayed for me daily that I don't know about, and the fact that my Jesus hears them.

I want to be thankful for Mr. Ely and who he is in my life today, who he may be in my future, and the fact that he puts up with me and still wants to hold my hand and does everything he can to make me smile.

I want to be thankful for my job that is my haven and the fact that I know where my passion is.

I want to be thankful for music and the role it has in my soul, the way it soothes and excites me, the way it reaches into my heart, pulls out the lyrics and sings them back to me.

I want to be thankful for my struggles and my daily fight to surrender them to the One who conquers all.

I want to be thankful that I have a huge bruise on my rear because every time I sit down it reminds me of the laughter that followed the fall.

I want to be thankful that no matter what happens in my life, I am NEVER alone.

I want to be thankful that my heart, no matter how twisted and contorted it may be, it is the very life of me. No matter how much it brings me pain, it is the very thing that put me where I am today, this beautiful place full of connections with those I love.

I want to be thankful for distance, for it makes me more thankful for the closeness.

I want to be thankful for silence in my life so that I can hear the wind blow.

I want to be thankful that I do have over 1000 friends on facebook, not that I am close with all of them, but beacuse I know that there are those and many more that have been some part of my life.

I want to be thankful for you, people in my life, that I love dearly.

Sometimes it takes days that you wanna go and hide to make you appreciate that the sun won't go away. Today is one of those days. It's been a rough day, a rough week.... but throughout the jagged edges of the week and day, there have been points in my days that have made me realize that I am truly blessed, loved, and cared for. Those points had a funny way of showing up at times that I would have rearranged, but He knew what He was doing and that's why I'm not in control. The tears I've cried this week were never in vain, simply misunderstood by most. Those who surprised me when they came to the rescue could not ever understand the boost they gave me.

So needless to say, I am excited for tomorrow for it brings His mercies anew and because it is an automatic 'refresh' button for life. In the mean time, I will be thankful for what today was and what it has taught me. (( see above ))

High School Darby does not = Current Darby... yay!

Life changes, people change....

you learn more about yourself each day you're on this earth... you learn what you want from yourself, from friends; you learn what you don't want and what you can't compromise on; you learn what dreams can become reality and the what dreams you will keep dreaming about; you learn about family and love, the upsides and downsides of both; you'll learn about your heart, how it mends and flutters anew....

Today sitting here at my dearly beloved front desk of my dear hotel, I'm thinking back on all the things I've hoped for, all the ways I've changed throughout my life, the love lossed and gained, the bruises and blisters from walking down the path I've chosen and all the detours I've taken along the way. There are things that I cannot believe I dreamt of and things I never though I would want to dream about that I dream of today. Some things that I swore would be me forever and now are no part of me.

It's really interesting to do look back on my life from where I am standing today, to see my life and the road (ever winding as it may be) behind me. It's especially interesting to see where I've come from and who I am today. There is so much in my life that someone who knew me 6 years ago would be surprised about, so much about who I am that the Darby from high school wouldn't recognize. This is not to be said that I am not the same Darby in my core, but it is to say that life changes people, and I am one of those people that was changed for the better (especially considering circumstances).

Great Blog You Must Read

"As I listened to the voice of this cowboy, this isolated cowboy who hadn’t had the slightest problem picking up the phone to say, “I miss you,” I shuddered at how long I’d allowed myself to go without it. And the effect it was having on every cell of my body made me realize just how fundamental a human need it really is. "

-http://thepioneerwoman.com/blog/category/black_heelstractor_wheels/the_night_i_met_marlboro_man/

Read it. All of it.


(( THANKS BROOKE!!))

"Hi. Can you be my cowboy and I'll be that goofy girl by your side? Ok. Thanks....."- Me

"I think I can do that honey."- Mr. Ely

Alright. So my heart is slowly but surely fluttering away.

After you read that pioneer woman's love story, you may get a glimpse of how I feel with this hunky cowboy suddenly walking into my life..... maybe I didn't have plans to go to Chicago [ Georgia Yes ], and maybe I wasn't from USC.... but I believe that if you've never dated a cowboy, and when one walks in your life like Mr. Ely has mine, and like her Marborlo Man did in her life..... then you'll understand.

I'm gonna shut up now before I get in trouble.

So sometimes in life you reach that point where you know what you want, what you can't deny that something is suppose to be in your life, when you realize that you're headed in the right direction and your future can't get here fast enough......

That point is somewhat frustrating if you're someone like me. That point is present and real in life, yet you have to wait on it for it to actually happen. I have faith in my God who promises good to me, who promises to be faithful to me.... and I hold tightly to that. Never in my life have I felt so assuredly that I was going the right way, that the steps that I feel that I am taking, and the steps He is carrying me in, are leading me to a place that I am suppose to be that is full of hope and joy. It's comforting, it's exciting, it's refreshing, and it's sweet....

Yet ....it is very annoying.

Yes I said it, I said something negative about this situation. Get over it. In the midst of being so happy about where I am headed and what I see to be true in my life.... I have never felt so impatient. Now, my parents may tell you a different story, but I never have had this sense of urgency with my life. I want those things to happen RIGHT NOW. Not that I am not completley enjoying and loving my life at the moment, but there are things that I just wish I didn't know now about the future. Does that make any sense? I'd rather be surprised and be eager about finding out than knowing I have to sit and wait.

I know for a fact that this sounds absurd. I know that I sound so selfish complaining about this. And to be honest I am. It's frustrating me to know that I am being so selfish. Some people search all their lives for their "dream job", for the ones they can confide in no matter what, for a sense of worth and purpose.... and here I am lucky to have found those things thus far in my life. Don't get my wrong, I'm not saying things may not change, because if I know one thing in life is that you don't really know anything about life and that it is ever changing. Nor am I saying that I am not lucky, because I am . I am so thankful to feel that I have found my purpose, to know that I have found friends that are my soul mates. I am blessed beyond belief and I am reminded daily of this.

Yet, I am sitting here selfish because I don't have that dream job that is so close within my reach, I am sitting here selfish because I don't have the house on the hill overlooking miles of country with a family around me, I don't have that degree in my hand and that beautiful ring made of gold on my right hand...... *(breath)* Yet I see all of it sooooo closely, I feel that pull from the bottom of my heart jerking everytime I think about it, I feel that deep desire so urgently that it makes me impatient. It makes me want it now....

Makes me want to skip right on to it, to not worry to much about the here and now....

yet, the here and now is all I have.

HI GOD THANKS FOR USING MY OWN WORDS

TO MAKE ME REALIZE HOW DUMB I WAS BEING! I love it when You do that....

((sometimes it just takes me seeing how dumb I am using my own words for me to shut up. I am so blessed. Today was a blessing. Knowing that if those desires I have are all I get to experience, I'll be happy. "everything under the sun is meaningless"- ecclesiastes))

To all the women that have lived and learned:

I want to know those things that great women in your life have taught you....

I want to know all those great lessons you've learned through the years about life, love, friendships, hardships, cooking, cleaning, crying, laughing....

This may sound random or quirky, but think about all those things you've learned in your life, all the things that your grandma use to tell you off hand that you hold so dearly to your heart now... all those beautiful revelations about life that you realized in the middle of heartache or at the happiest moment in your life.

I ask this of you not to solely to be selfish so I can take it in and learn from all you have to say, but to ask you to share those things... don't keep them to yourself, no matter how precious they are.

I ask this of you because I recently found a box of my Grammie's recipes. Now, this may not seem like a big deal, but when you think that some of those recipes were lost forever, when you think that you may never taste the richness of her Real Mayonnaise Chocolate Cake or the kick of her special Picante Sauce..... when you think all of that is gone because Grammie isn't Grammie anymore... that box of recipes mean more than words can express. When i found this box and discovered what was in it, I broke down. I sobbed my eyes out.
I cried because I just wanted one more day in the kitchen with her, one more day of her sitting and telling me stories of things she use to do, one more day of us digging for worms to go fishing with.... just one more day to listen. I want that one day because all the days I had with her I was too young to realize the harsh reality that those days wouldn't last forever. I can never go back and retrieve those life lessons that she tried to tell me when I wasn't listening like I would listen now.


I not only ask you to share with me because I have realized the fleeting flash that is this life, but because I know you've lived through things I am going through, have been through, or will face before Jesus wants me Home. I want to hear your stories of how it felt to fall in love, when you realized you may just be dating the guy you will be with forever, how it felt to make your best friends and the ways you dealt with simply being a woman with other women, how you made those tough decisions in life, how you felt when your best friend moved away........ tips on how to keep a relationship going strong, any hints on figuring out how to stay organized and out of debt.....

So I ask you, women, to share things with me that are special to you, things that others taught you or you learned yourself. I ask you because I want to live a life that is full and abundant, that comes from having open ears to those people in my life right now.
I hate knowing that people like Debbie Adcock and Amanda Miller can no longer write me notes of encouragement, or that I can't cook breakfast with my Grammie anymore... but I am so blessed that I have people like you that I can still learn from and cherish.

((( So in the comment box, tell me your secret to life.... or if you don't feel comfortable doing that... write me an email : darbybarksdale@yahoo.com ))))

Nothing is ever out of question...

Have you ever had a moment in your life that you really had no clue how to react to it due to the mass chaos of thoughts/feelings/and emotions were rushing through your body?
Have you ever been presented with an opportunity that you never really thought would happen because that meant your dreams were actually coming true?
Have you ever been at a point in your life that you are staring at the door into your future but you were so stunned that it opened (kinda like a sliding door when you get too close) you don't realize it's really open for you to walk through?

Well.... if you have experienced any of those... welcome to my life in the past two days.
And add on top of that being completely overwhelmed by how much you are loved, cared for, cherished, and how much you mean to people....
These feelings are some of the most amazing and scary feelings I have ever experienced and I am experiencing them all at one time. Like a massive tital wave rushing over my body, but not one that damages, instead it's a tital wave of goodness. (if that is possible)

Now for the story, I'm sure you're just on your toes huh!?

So Monday, after a night of not sleeping at all and a full day of craziness during work, my manager and general manager called me into their office and sat me down. I was 100 percent positive they were about to fire me for some reason because of how serious they were being, but then my AGM told me I wasn't in trouble. Which, when you think something's wrong, and someone deny's the thoughts in your head, it sends me into more of a panic because I had ABSOLUTELY no clue what was going on.
So after a few awkward moments of silence, and grins... they told me that I had been referred to take the Assistant General Manager position that was coming up at one of our other properties in town.

I was completely blown away.

Then they kept going, saying that the owner of our whole company and one of the people at corporate that had quite a bit of pull had referred me....

FREAK OUT MOMENT!!

I was speechless.

Couldn't do anything but sit there and say "well..."

My thoughts were racing...

My heart was pounding, I don't know from excitement or fear... but it was pounding right out of my chest like the bass drum in a marching band!

So after gaining some composure, we sat for a minute and talked about what it would mean to me, what options I had, and where we went from there...

((If you aren't aware, I absolutely love the place I work. I opened this place, I love it. It's my baby... but at the same time, I have no upward movement here. I love the people I work for and with more than anything, but I also know my dream and what I want as a career----- to be in the hospitality industry and hopefully run a hotel.))

Quick recap:

I am a twenty year old Junior Human Resouuce and Development Major that was just offered to have an Assistant General Managment position within one of the best companies I've ever heard of, and the absolute best I have ever worked for.

And so.... I freak out.

I called my dad first.

Told him what was going on... and talked through some simple logistics of it.... and heard him say over and over again "Darby I'm just proud of you."

To hear my father tell me he is proud of

me is one of the most special things

he could ever say to me.

Then I called my best friend.... she was super excited for me. I was crying because I was so stunned still and couldn't believe that people think I can do something like this and want me to... She encouraged me and reminded me why I call her my best friend.

A best friend is one who knows what's

going on in your head without saying a word...

and she sure does. She knew what to say and how to say it.

She knew my fears and my excitement, she also knew my doubts.

love her.

Then I called my mother. She was super excited. Asked me what my hesitation was, which I honestly didn't know how to explain it at the moment....and told me that she wasn't surprised at all... and that maybe one day I'd believe in myself how others believed in me...

Mom knows best right?

So true.

Then I called my boyfriend... still freaking out about it all... he calmed my nerves. He puts things in perspective a lot because in his mind, things are simple. There is no need to be freaking out about your dreams and goals coming true, there is only reason to be happy and press on.

Mr. Ely just calms my restlessness in a mysterious way....

In the midst of all of this, I still had school... so I went to school. And in the midst of my professor talking about the marketing system and so on.... I finally caught my breath.

On my way home, after talking to my brother as well and a few other important people in my life.... I smiled. I had just been offered an amazing opportunity. And not only that, there were so many people in my life that were supporting my excitement, my concerns, and my goals. I was being showered with prayers from my prayer warriors already and I had already felt His presence in this time of my life.

No matter what happens, no matter the outcome of this... I have really discovered how much people believe in me. I am so blessed and so lucky to have people around me that, no matter how surprised I was by being offered something like this, they weren't. They believe in me. They see my goals and don't doubt me being able to obtain them.

I am so blessed.

And then ontop of all of this, God is showering love on me. I haven't been as happy as I am in this moment in a very long time. My girls are my world, every day I am reminded of how special they are to me because it's weird going 2 hours without being in contact with them. My relationship with Mr. Ely is one of surprises and smiles. Every time I am with him, I can't help but smile and just be happy he's in my life no matter how much he picks on me because in the end he always smiles back and calls me 'cutie'. I get to talk to my mom daily, she's become a texter which makes it a bit easier to communicate. It's great. I love it. We actualy talked on the phone the other night for like 30 minutes and didn't once get upset at one another. It was so great. It's neat to see how things change as you grow up.

So, as usual, I shall keep you updated... whoever YOU are....

And as for now, I want that job. I want to take my goal and make it mine. I'm ready to face it. So after I speak with Hunter and Cathie (owner and manager), I will know more of what they want from me and if I can do it.

Who knows what may happen!

Never ever believe that something is out of reach at any point in life, because you never know how much God stretches His arm out to pull it closer within your reach.

I discovered something today ....

I know sometimes everyone goes through a light bulb moment in their life, it can't just be me. Especially when it has to do with yourself... it's like you know yourself, but there is a moment in time where your thoughts align with words that align with your core and create a beautiful moment of discovery.

THis morning when thinking of all the things in my life right now that I love in addition to all those things in my past that I loved and gave effort to.... and found the strand that linked all of it:
When I am involved in something, when I care about something whether I am involved directly in it or someone close to me is... I inadvertantly and unconciously go out of my way to help it succeed. Not in a selfish or egotistic way, not for my own pride, but because it comes natural when I care even in the least amount about something.
Some may take it is me being nosey, or just wanting to control things.... but as far as I know that's not the case.... its just I care and want it (whatever it may be) to succeed. I have never regretted one moment spent in trying to organize, help, or contribute to anything I have done thus far in my life. I absolutely loved stressing over Prom in high school and dealing with the drama so that when that day came, I saw how happy people were.... I loved putting together a surprise party for my parents and being secretive with people they love, so that when they walked in the room and saw all those people who have been in their lives for years and all they could do was smile... I love pitching ideas and helping other organizations come up with ideas to increase enthusiasm and membership among memebers.... and it even goes to personal things that aren't like big 'organized' events.....
I would and do love any opportunity I get to help out people in my life.... whether it be feeding them because I know their hungry, picking them up and taking them somewhere, giving them a place to stay, trying to help with money sitations, or even something as simple as handing them a glass of water when I see a need....

This is something that is second nature to me, yes I've known it all my life, but today it just hit me that I love this heart He gave me.... I love that no matter how hard I try I can't just sit back and let things happen around me, I have to be fully involved, I have to be helping/caring/loving/encouraging people around me.

I just pray that my heart is seen through every thing I do. I pray that people see my actions as my heart pouring out wanting to love and not Darby not wanting to be left out or something.

So today, I discovered my heart again...
:)

If only someone had told me that a month ago...

It really is interesting that it takes one simple sentence to change your outlook on something that completely encompassed your mind...

After a month or so of dating for the first time since Mr. Banks, I began to just freeze up and question things... which to some extent is good, but let me explain more thoroughly:

I had no doubt in my mind that whatever laid in store for me relationship wise, it would be different. Different from Mr. Banks, different from Mr. McCown, and different from any other time I was in relations with a male outside the boundaries of friendship. I knew I wanted to guard the special parts of me, to guard my heart so that no one would be able to take advantage of it, to not put all my eggs in one basket, to not settle but instead be the woman I am no matter what or who walks into and out of my life. So when Mr. Ely came along, I was nervous and very excited to be able to try this whole dating thing with a new 'clean' slate... or so I thought.

Quickly I realized the mission to be different took over the actual newness and clean slated-ness of dating Mr. Ely. My thoughts were not simply of what we were doing together, but more of what I was suppose to say so that I didn't get hurt and what each thing he said to me 'really' meant. I was worrying that he was going to be just like Mr. McCown and say all the right things just so he wouldn't have to be lonely right now... I was worried if I was being too guarded or not enough... If I was suppose to be sharing tihngs, or keeping them a mystery... where was the line? who has the instructions for this assembly?

So after a few bumps in the road from me being overly thoughtful about the whole thing, I broke down and called my dear aunt, aka the relationship/life advisor for Darby. After explaining to her for about a half hour on the phone my dilemma and how I didn't want it to be a repeat of anything in the past and blah blah blah... she quicky stopped me and asked me
" How long have you been dating this guy?"
I answered, "A month and a half"
"Well then just stop worrying about this stuff. There is no reason you need to worry about when and how and what you trust this guy with, just ENJOY DATING HIM"

It was like my eyes were opened, like all the smoke from the thoughts racing through my head suddenly had a flute to fly out of...

and on a deeper level,

I realized with that one sentence that she told me that I had become so afraid of getting hurt that I was not enjoying dating. In life you take risks, I for one am a preacher of risk taking; an advocate of chancing the pain to enjoy the joy. I had let what Mr. McCown did to me and Mr. Banks did to my heart get in the way of that. I had laid the bricks to my own road blocks and now see that they were not blocks at all, there were minor speed bumps, or even maybe just secret doors that just needed the right combination to unlock and lead me into something better.

So now, I am just going to enjoy this, whatever it is. I am going to enjoy being called 'hun' and 'babydoll' and kissed goodnight when I do. I am going to share things when they come up, and just go with the flow. If that means I may just fall, I pray that either the landing won't be so rough this time around, or Mr. Ely's arms wont be too sore from working cattle. ;) Either way this time in my life is a lesson learning time, this is the time to not be afraid due to the past, but embrace what He brings into my life.

So that's what I am doing.
It's exciting!!

Now, just to figure out where this Mr. Ely came from and why he's takin a liking to me?

A New Decade, A New Year...

Let's just start out with the DECADE part.... what?!

It's been ten years since the turn of the millinium, you know the time where people thought the world was going to end....
Over the past ten years my world has expanded exponentially and compounded memories daily... some good, some not so much... but each minute of the past ten years has shaped me into the woman I am today. These past ten years have been the best and worst of my 20 years on this earth. I hope to see many more decades filled with friends, laughter, love, and all things wonderful... I also pray to be strong through the tough times, to remember what all those difficulties have taught me over, and to remember the silence of my broken heart so that I can cherish the mended pieces.
Ten years.... it makes me feel old. I can remember just like yesterday a moment in time in each of those years...

Mostly, I can remember this past year like it's a movie played inside my brain everytime I think of it.... scenes of heartache, stomach aches from laughing so hard, silence that spoke a thousand words.... pictures and sounds woven together like they are part of a delicately and specifially chosen for that time and place by a master of art.
When I think of 2009 the one word that sticks out in my head is Family. Blood and Soul... friend whom have become more than friends, they have etched their way into my family. If ever someone tried to tell me that family is only blood, I would have to strongly disagree due to the proof right before my eyes. I don't know why I have been so blessed to have the friends I have, but I am... I cannot explain the bond us girls have with each other for I do not know the bond of sisters apart from them.... I'm sure it's pretty close to what sisterhood would be. These girls put up with me at my worst and best, understand me even when I don't get myself, and appreciate my goofy tendencies. I know without a shadow of a doubt that I will never be alone through anything. Ever.

This past year each and every day has been full of life and joy, new adventures and new lessons....

Here's a few of my favorite memories of 2009 (in semi-chronological order)

• Randy Rogers, Cody Canada, Wade Bowen... acoustic with my best friend and brother down in Houston at the House of Blues
• Spring Retreat with Hospitality and meeting all of those amazing people in my Huddle... Nick Pearce, Joey Dunn, Caitlin Saunders, Taylor Tullos, Jennifer McCoy, Wilson, Renee, Bridget... and soooo many more
• Girls wine night at my house that ended up with a dance off with me and Shannon
• New York City with my best friend, Jessica Walker.... Salsa Dancing and lottery for Wicked... poor hairs and personal assistants... Aspen Lounges and Bobby Flay cheesecake...
• Big Event 2009, Papa George making jokes about going hunting with Dick Cheney, and Joey being blown away that I was only 19 (at the time)
• Cupcake Crew... round 2 with the BSM
• Basketball games with Mike Fox... scary faces!!!
• Obannons. Period.
• Meeting Brittany Hrncir at Sweet Eugenes for the first time and then the next day picking her up after she locked her keys in her car and offering marshmellows to make her better.... we fell in love that day ;)
• Hanging out at Rachel Alldredge's house all the time, watching Private Practice and giggling alot... getting to know Bridget more...
• Spring Formal with Hospitality... all the crazy pictures
• Going out to NG/Obannons with Britt and Brynn.... being UNACCEPTABLE and not caring much
• Butt Fahking
• BBQs that were blessed with grass (in the yard!) and friends
• Yoga/Working out at the REC.... Rachel Yingst being so fierce and amazing
• Summer "love" and learning about shady people... Pong at Robertos... talking Cailtin into giving Robert another chance...
• Forth of July!!! Lake Bryan!! Bridget's date with the bathtub/toilet...
• My birthday weekend...... soooo much going on, laughing/crying... being treated like royalty by my dearest Bill, my (non blood) families meeting each other... a looooong emotional drive home.... "it's okay, we're happier in our lives than you are" ... all we heard was footsteps in a fast pace, then saw Jessica splash in the lake with all her clothes on...
• Moving into my apartment and out of the duplex of drama.... YAY FOR MIKE FOX AND GARRETT!!!
• River Trip #1... just the girls getting away and being free... "If you contaminate my beer.... I will probably still drink it!" - Britt ... sitting out by the 'fire' and just laughing... knowing we are beautiful and strong women no matter what was going on... Jumping on the beds, giggling, meeting cute Aggie guys that were there for a funeral....
• Realizing our lives should be a TV show due to the fact we always have observers where ever we are
• Falling in LOVE with Texas Country, stalking Josh Abbott.... seeing more shows than I have in my whole life and loving every second of it
• Going out with my boots on, dancing like crazy with out boots on, planking with my boots on.... and breakfast at the Kettle with my boots on (CANDY is so fierce)
• THE HANGOVER!!! Seeing it 2 times in theater, having amazing beverages the second time... realizing that it is our movie (minus the roofies aka floories and vegas....) ... the creation of The Wolfpack... RAWR!!!! and officially deciding on 2010 plans for a Vegas invasion
• Ziegfest... although all the memories aren't just great, it was still a day o fun and a night o mehiem....
• AGGIE FOOTBALL. Bus Pictures. Overall pictures/stares/comments... Mike Fox excitment... midnight yells that were unsuccessful but we were more than prepared.... Mason dragging Jess across campus... getting towed... Bowl games that were more of a fun adventurous road trip than anything...
• 42 at the Chicken... "how the heck are we still single?!"
• Shenannigans.
• Concerts that introduced us to more than music... cowboys and t-sips... I think I got the best deal.... ;) sometimes you just gotta take a chance... ' life's a dance you learn as you go... sometimes you lead sometimes you follow. don't worry about what you don't know, life's a dance you learn as you go"
• realizing that things change, but for once in my life that won't stop the love I share with the friends I have.... trust is a funny thing... friendships aren't always smooth, but the ones I have will always be there no matter if the road is rocky or level... finding out that it's gonna be really odd if the wolfpack has to disperse... it's hard not spending Christmas together...
• AGR boys and the wolfpack... almost like peanut butter and jelly...
• Watching my Papaw love my Grammie despite her breaking his heart every day.... knowing that I want and deserve to be loved like that. Cherishing my memories with all those in my life because life is not certain.... being thankful that eternity is spent in His precesence with those Angels who've already gone home...
• long talks at Terazzos... seems like that place is just dubbed the 'serious conversation, let's all cry' location

And then..... New Years.

It was something special to be surrounded by my friends when 2009 left us... we all had bitterness towards 09... but yet we all had fond memories of one of the craziest years we've ever had. It was a year of extremes. So standing in the crowd in Dallas with my best friends when the clock hit 12:00 AM... it was like all those memories flashed in my mind, put a smile on my face, then I looked around and realized... that was just the beginning... 2009, no matter how much we hated some of the things that happened, we all recognized that it brought the beginning of life long friendships, life long bonds that won't ever fade... and then, we looked 2010 right in the face and all said "BRING IT".

2010 could not have started in a better way. Granted yes, 2010 could have put $10,000 dollars in my account and that would have been lovely..... but it didn't, it did more than that... it showed me there is a tomorrow, that the grandness I felt in that moment was only the beginning... That I live a life that is still at work for a greater purpose, that no matter how much I have failed or come short in the past year, I have hope of this year being better. I have strength from the falls I have taken.... and I know my true source of joy... His security and promises to me.

This year has already found me in new places.... two days into it and I'm scared to death and happier than I've ever been in a relationship... I have the best friends a girl could ask for... a family that loves me even if they don't agree with some of my choices.... a dog that's the goofiest thing in the world but loves me unconditionally.... and only 363 more days to enjoy it and all the new adventures of 2010!!!