(( VENT SESSION ))

At the moment I am completely and totally frustrated.
Earlier I was telling a friend about being frustrated about how leadership was not being played out in a way that I felt leadership was suppose to be handled.... and then was completely and totally caught off guard by his comments. Not only did his comments catch me off guard, but less than a month ago, my brother had said some of the exact same things. Things that I feel like are completely opposite of how I intentionally try to be...

"i'm gonna be bluntly honest, because while sometimes it sucks to hear things, it helps in the end.... so yeah... you can smile more. i know you smile when you see me, or go give a huddle member a hug. but ng and waiting for things to happen your face doesn't put off the happy vibe. it has nothing to do with whether you are actually happy, but peoples perception of you. so smile. it never will put you in a bad mood to smile. also,.. and this may be the more harsh part... you need to try not to get offended. hospitality is an organization with a lot of people who reallly enjoy partying and reallllly enjoy doing crazy stuff. (using bad language is something they do too) but what i'm saying is even if somebody is upsetting you, you may just need to put on a happy face and act like things arent' that bad. i know that isn't you. i know that isn't what you do. i know you try to live your life on your outside but, a look here, or a whisper there... it is all about how people perceive you. not about what you DO, but what people think your intentions are.in the end all that matters is between you and God. so i'm not going to ask you to do anything that would contradict that, or put you in conflict. If you can't find a medium, then be who you are."

All of this was said in honesty and with a pure heart. I know it. And I want to believe all the things Dawson said to me where of the same intentions... but neither one of these people know how hard I try, how much I think about my actions, my words, my life.... this wouldn't be so frustrating if i didn't think about it so much, if I didn't desire to refect something bigger than me in my daily action..... but here I am. Failing. Failing. Failing.

Part of me feels like I am being attacked. That the devil is taunting me. Yet the other side of the coin is that if people see me like that, how can they see Christ? How can that glorify God?

(Breath)

I am just frustrated. The core of me is in a knot. I want to cry, yell, punch something, go run, or just be held. Yeah. Be held. ha. joke. That's another frustrating thing. I cannot seem to get memories to leave me alone. they all seem so real, sometimes I can feel them.... sometimes I can literally taste or smell the memories.... It has almost been a year, isn't this suppose to be gone by now? I hate it. HATE HATE it.

What is wrong with me?

Lord, hold me. Better yet, please give me your peace. I am struggling. I am waiting for something I deserve but while I am waiting, I am being tested.... I need your strength. I need to know this is of you. Show me yourself in this Lord. SHOW ME. You are Great, You are all things Good and Just, You are Righteous and Holy... and I am YOURS..... so Lord Jesus... show me yourself in this. I love you and just want to be whole in you and to be able to stand firm on knowing that I am not a failure in your eyes ,but your beloved...