It's the Bumps that make you stronger

The fear of being alone never really struck me until lately. . .

I am ashamed to say I find myself forgetting the omnipocent Love and Peace that I have within my soul.... moments go by that I remember and have peace, but then the darkness has a way of creeping over me, feeding me it's lies, and inticing me with it's salty tears. Those moments are empty and clasp a hold of my mind stronger than they should. They tell me of my faults, my failures, the 'what-if's' of my life, the ugliness I birthed in my life.... they tell me that when I listen... When my ears are tuned to hearing of those transgressions, the come in loud and clear like a trumpet resounding from two feet away, deafening my heart and numbing me.

Yet, there is hope for me. There is a way to create a static to that sound...
No matter what I do, that darkness, that coldness that is within me is wiped away when I think of my Savior's love. His gentle whisper sets my heart to life again. He whispers to me through song, through the love of those around me, through the sun shining on my face... His hope carries me, His love is my Rock and my deliverence during this time of trial.

(reminds me of Romans 7 and 8)

I have been through a lot in my life, just like most.... but you know, most people do not have the amazing family that I do. Without them, that darkness would be resounding more often than His peaceful whisper. Don't get me wrong, we haven't always had the best relationship... there have been times I can guarantee you they asked God for his peace through times of trouble with me, times where it was dark for all of us.... but as always, His will previaled. His will of guiding us to the past few weeks where they were pillars in my life to hold me up, to be part of Christ's sheltering cover from the storms that are rolling through.
Although I feel alone in this storm at times, my family is always there for me. They came to me in a time of struggles, in a time of need and held me close. They asked the hard questions out of love and trusted the answers.... My family has always taught me more from doing than from their words, they have given me the best examples of how to be a friend and how to love in times of hardship.


Going back to the fear of being alone thing......

It's only lately where I have ever begged not to be left alone. I hated every second of it. I have never been so vunerable. I sound like I am miserable and sulking.... that's not really the case. I just have my moments where the lies get the best of me, where the drama of life fills my mind and breaks my heart... when my heart breaks, it doesn't just crack with one solid crack and it's done, but it shatters... especially when love is lost or wounded. I love with passion, a trait I embrace and hate at times... this would be one of those times. It's very hard for me to turn my heart off to people, even when they have hurt me. It's very hard to turn off the volume on the mouths of liars when all I want to do is listen hoping that somewhere in them they'll realize I care and hate what is going on.... but sometimes things just don't really work the way I want them to. This God of mine sees the big picture and knows what these storms will produce in my future, I just have to trust Him.

So like Mr. Ely says:

"It's the bumps in the road and the hard times that make you stronger."

(PS: Mr. Ely and I's relationship can speak truth to that saying.... our hard times thus far has made us so much stronger and validated things that we feel to be true. He has held my hand through some of the hardest moments I've faced and been the man beside me when all is crumbling around me. He surprises me with his strength, wisdom, and genuine care for me and our relationship. Others may not recognize it, but it is nice to know I am in a mature relationship that can face things head on and walk away from it hand in hand. )

So here's to a week that I turn off the lies and on the Truth, with each step I will look towards Him and thank Him for the family and love I have in my life. Here's to the week of pressing onward and not looking back anymore....

No, dear brothers and sisters, I am still not all I should be, but I am
focusing all my energies on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking
forward to what lies ahead, I strain to reach the end of the race and receive
the prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us up to heaven
'Philippians 3:13-14

Week from H-E- double hockey sticks!

Well the past week was definately one of those weeks I would love to have an erase button for. But as we all know, there is no such thing.

So since there isn't that beautiful dreamt about 'erase' or backspace button for reality, we are always faced with dealing with hard times and things that you can't just erase. How people deal with those times are what shows the true character and heart of individuals. And honestly, I don't really know how well I dealt with this non-eraseable week.....

Things I have taken away from this week:

1. no matter how much we want to be done with the past, sometimes the past doesn't want to be done with us.... and that means even pasts that are not your own. Life has a funny way of coming around again sometimes, and usually when you are least prepared for it. But it is how you deal with the past is what defines you and the circumstance. It's easy to get angry about the past coming into the future, especially if it's not welcome... but you can't ignore it. It has to be dealt with and placed properly back into the past. Now you see, some people have a very difficult time doing that. Some people looooove to hold on to the past, not get over it, and expect others to realize that it isn't the past just yet for them.... and that's when things get tricky. Atleast that's when things got tricky for Mr. Ely and I. Details are besides the point--- the point is: the past reared it's ugly little head back into the spotlight only to cause a bit of discomfort, anxiety, and emotional strain.... but only for a moment... because I have realized that I have the choice to put it in the past or let it have the power over me and be part of the present.

2. I am poopy. I failed miserably this past week at letting Christ have control ergo letting no so stable Darby have the riens and screw things up. Christ is the only one who can EVER take care of my emotions, my stress, my doubts.... and if I do not let Him have all of those, they take over, turning me into someone I don't like.

3. I am blessed to have people around me that love me and trust me.
Through this hellacious week I have discovered who trusts my word, who knows me better than I thought they did, and relationships that are stronger than I imagined. I have a mother and father that were there for me through all of the struggles this week brought, and kept calm despite the obvious knee jerk reaction of some events to quite possible freak out considerably. The relationship that I have with Mr. Ely is one that is very strong, that was tested by some vicious flames this week, and came out refined. Knowing someone like I know Mr. Ely and someone knowing me like he knows me is a very special thing.... there are parts of each other than no one else really understands, knows how to deal with, or even accepts that we do. We are both very stubborn, sometimes that's a bad thing... but we have discovered that no matter how much our stubbornness leads to small bumps in our road... our stubbornness to keep walking hand in hand on that road outweights all of it. I have also discovered some truths about my life and the people in it that is hard to swallow. My relationships are changing, and God is putting people in my life at certain moments to help me not only deal with the other relationships changing, but to help me become who He wants me to be. Old friends and new friends alike....
4. Sometimes you do stupid stuff to people you love, but when they love you back despite the stupid things...... it is the most amazing feeling in the world.
(( i think that speaks for itself ))

...love like crazy...

Change.
The one thing in life that is guaranteed: Change.
The one thing I don't really do well with when it comes to people I love....

Change.


All of this to say, as I have grown up a bit more over the past few years and been further from family than I was for eighteen years, I struggle sometimes with change....
There are times that I break down and cry because I miss people so much.
Life is never constant, people come in and out of peoples lives, people are called Home early and not according to my plan.... life pushes and pulls people together and apart. Looking back on life is the only way to remember some people because you'll never have future moments with them...
For instance:
I desperately miss my grandparents. Over the past year or so I have had an ache in me, a pain deep in my soul stemming from regret of not listening closer, of not realizing how quickly things were going to change and never be the same. I can't get Pawpaw back to ask him about my beloved Texas A&M University while he was here.... I can't be with Grammie in her kitchen ever again for her to teach me one more time how to make her special cakes and breakfast... I can't spend enough time with Memaw or Papaw because they are so far away and being on the phone with them is too hard because it reminds me of how much I just want to sit and be with them.
And yes, dear dad, I understand that's part of life and I have to get over it.... but you see, my heart is not understanding the things my mind knows about life.
But here's the good things that I remember and will never forget:

• All those times Grammie and Papaw and I would go fishing and we'd wake up super early to dig for worms then be out on the lake for most of the day. I will never be able to bait my hook and not remember Grammies hands or Papaw making fun of my baby fish I always seemed to catch on my first cast. I now have a deep respect for fishing, not because I like the sport, but because of all the memories that flood me when I have a pole in my hand and water ahead of me. I will carry those with me til the day I die, and pray that I get to share that same respect with my children and grandchildren to come.
  
• That Southern Baptist preachers have the best jokes and strongest voices. Although i was only six, the day that my grandfather baptised me will be very special to me. I don't remember many things from that day other than walking down in to the water and my Pawpaw grabbing my hand so gently yet so firmly so that it was forever etched in the palm of my hand along with my heart. There's alot about Jerry Dawson that I didn't get to know, alot that I wished I could say that I knew well, but I do know that he changed people by being in their life, me being one of them.
  
• My heartaches wern't the first and certainly won't be the last, and it's best if you listen to the women in your life because they know pretty well how it feels, especially if they have your same blood..... My beloved grandmother and mother have been two of my confidants and cheerleaders as I have made my way into the tough part of being a woman. They have showed me how to love, how to be friends, how to fight for what you believe in, and how most of all Jesus Christ is the only man that will never break my heart, even in the smallest ways. As I have gotten older, I realize how their advice has helped me and they usually are the first to know about any of my heartaches... spending time with just the three of us is some of my favorite times, even if we do fuss at each other.
  

There are times I wish I could go back and just record every little thing that people tell me so that I won't forget, times where I wish I could go back and just take a picture of one moment so it would never fade from my memory.... but I can't really do that. So my mission now, through the heartbreak of knowing the painful truths of life, is to live fully soaking up each little thing with every person in my life. To honor those I miss by carrying on the things I do remember about them in my daily life and to live my heart out so that those around me will never question how I feel about them or how much they mean to me.

So here goes nothing... living this life and loving like crazy........

They called them crazy when they started out
Said seventeen's too young to know what loves about
They've been together fifty-eight years now
That’s crazy

He brought home sixty-seven bucks a week
He bought a little 2 bedroom house on Maple Street
Where she blessed him with six more mouths to feed
Yea that’s crazy

Just ask him how he did it; he'll say pull up a seat
It'll only take a minute, to tell you everything
Be a best friend, tell the truth, and overuse I Love You
Go to work, do your best, don't outsmart your common since
Never let your prayin' knees get lazy
And love like crazy

They called him crazy when he quit his job
Said them home computers, boy they'll never take off
He sold his one man shop to Microsoft
They paid like crazy

Just ask him how he made it
He'll tell you faith and sweat
And the heart of a faithful woman,
Who never let him forget

Be a best friend, tell the truth, and overuse I Love You
Go to work, do your best, don't outsmart your common since
Never let your prayin knees get lazy
And love like crazy

Always treat your woman like a lady
Never get to old to call her baby
Never let your prayin knees get lazy
And love like crazy

They called him crazy when they started out
They've been together fifty-eight years now

Aint that crazy?

Lee Brice, Love like Crazy

Well, today I just wanna be thankful.

I want to be thankful for the people in my life, the sunshine outside, and the lessons I learn through scraping my knees.

I want to be thankful for the road ahead, for the road behind me.

I want to be thankful for all the blessings that went unnoticed, and all the blessings that rocked my world.

I want to be thankful for all the words from friends when I was down, and all those crazy things we do when we're up.

I want to be thankful for that amazing family I have that sends rays of sun into gloomy days and encourages me just when I need it.

I want to be thankful for the memories I have with those special people that I don't get to be with anymore and the joy that one day I will be standing next to them in my Father's House.

I want to be thankful for all those tears I've cried that watered the seeds that were planted and grew into the joys of today.

I want to be thankful for friends that I know I can count on even if I haven't seen them in years, and those whom I see every day.

I want to be thankful for the prayers that are prayed for me daily that I don't know about, and the fact that my Jesus hears them.

I want to be thankful for Mr. Ely and who he is in my life today, who he may be in my future, and the fact that he puts up with me and still wants to hold my hand and does everything he can to make me smile.

I want to be thankful for my job that is my haven and the fact that I know where my passion is.

I want to be thankful for music and the role it has in my soul, the way it soothes and excites me, the way it reaches into my heart, pulls out the lyrics and sings them back to me.

I want to be thankful for my struggles and my daily fight to surrender them to the One who conquers all.

I want to be thankful that I have a huge bruise on my rear because every time I sit down it reminds me of the laughter that followed the fall.

I want to be thankful that no matter what happens in my life, I am NEVER alone.

I want to be thankful that my heart, no matter how twisted and contorted it may be, it is the very life of me. No matter how much it brings me pain, it is the very thing that put me where I am today, this beautiful place full of connections with those I love.

I want to be thankful for distance, for it makes me more thankful for the closeness.

I want to be thankful for silence in my life so that I can hear the wind blow.

I want to be thankful that I do have over 1000 friends on facebook, not that I am close with all of them, but beacuse I know that there are those and many more that have been some part of my life.

I want to be thankful for you, people in my life, that I love dearly.

Sometimes it takes days that you wanna go and hide to make you appreciate that the sun won't go away. Today is one of those days. It's been a rough day, a rough week.... but throughout the jagged edges of the week and day, there have been points in my days that have made me realize that I am truly blessed, loved, and cared for. Those points had a funny way of showing up at times that I would have rearranged, but He knew what He was doing and that's why I'm not in control. The tears I've cried this week were never in vain, simply misunderstood by most. Those who surprised me when they came to the rescue could not ever understand the boost they gave me.

So needless to say, I am excited for tomorrow for it brings His mercies anew and because it is an automatic 'refresh' button for life. In the mean time, I will be thankful for what today was and what it has taught me. (( see above ))

High School Darby does not = Current Darby... yay!

Life changes, people change....

you learn more about yourself each day you're on this earth... you learn what you want from yourself, from friends; you learn what you don't want and what you can't compromise on; you learn what dreams can become reality and the what dreams you will keep dreaming about; you learn about family and love, the upsides and downsides of both; you'll learn about your heart, how it mends and flutters anew....

Today sitting here at my dearly beloved front desk of my dear hotel, I'm thinking back on all the things I've hoped for, all the ways I've changed throughout my life, the love lossed and gained, the bruises and blisters from walking down the path I've chosen and all the detours I've taken along the way. There are things that I cannot believe I dreamt of and things I never though I would want to dream about that I dream of today. Some things that I swore would be me forever and now are no part of me.

It's really interesting to do look back on my life from where I am standing today, to see my life and the road (ever winding as it may be) behind me. It's especially interesting to see where I've come from and who I am today. There is so much in my life that someone who knew me 6 years ago would be surprised about, so much about who I am that the Darby from high school wouldn't recognize. This is not to be said that I am not the same Darby in my core, but it is to say that life changes people, and I am one of those people that was changed for the better (especially considering circumstances).