Trying

In all honesty, I've never felt like this before. I'm so happy with parts of my life yet so frustrated with others.

I've never ever failed at something I've tried hard at. Some people may say I'm not trying hard enough, but when every time you look at something and fail, it's kinda hard to do all that someone else would that is doing better than me. May not make sense, but it does to me. I'm trying. I'm trying all while knowing that I'm going to fail it, not because I'm pessimistic, but because I'm being real with myself.
I mean I've failed college classes before, but never to a degree that will impede my plans and goals for my near future. That's alot of pressure, and that's just from me... don't add in all the pressure from the people funding it and the people who have gone before me and "loved that class, I did well in it".... it's hard!! Yes, I understand that it is one of the hardest classes to pass my senior year, but dear Jesus... failing means I fail not just the class but so much more.

Not only that, but to the people that are behind me they are going to believe that I have sucome to being okay with it, to not trying hard enough or whatever they may throw in my face unknowingly.

I just want to run away. Not an option, I'm very aware of that. But it's an honest feeling at the moment.... to run away from all the stress of this and just breath a little easier. . . I've always looked down at people who quit when they were so close, but now I completely understand why they would. I don't want to, but it's one of those wild fantasies you know won't ever happen but when you think about it a smile crosses your face.

I'm trying.
To all those out there who want to know: I'm trying. Trying as hard as an exhausted person can. My mind is busy with all the other parts of my life that I'm trying to make good... work, family,friends, ((( schooooool ))).

So, there. I'm trying. You may not agree with my stressed attitude or my shortness when you want to come tell me how to do everything... because I am trying to do this in a way that pleases not only my goals but yours for me.

I want to be the person that makes people proud, and at the moment I know that is further away than Pluto when you look at me...

I'm 21. No I'm not grown, but I'm learning to be able to be grown soon because I will be.... and during those first steps of being grown, I'd rather not have to know that I have no shoes to walk in and people looking towards me in disgust telling me they love me. I'm not a horrible person, I'm in love with a great guy whom I love very much, I'm at a great school, I am going to a great school... I'm just in a nice huge gully trying to drudge myself out and leave as little of myself there as possible.

So while I'm going through all of this, while I am trying so hard I can't feel myself half the time... I just want to know I am not going to (once again) lose all the things I love. The fear holds me at bay half the time because usually when things go wrong for me... they go WRONG quick and fingers point at me while I stand their with knives in every crevice of me and people nurse me to health just to let me have it when they think I'm doing better.

Maybe people mean well, I know they usually do... but what if every time you meant well it really didn't go well. Not saying it always works this way, but sometimes it does... and then I look like the bad person because I didn't take it 'well' and let words hurt me. . . I'm sensitive, yeah sure, I want everything to be happy and never have to shed another tear again.... but I cannot change the way I am. . .

I am who I am.
I am trying to be better, trying to not fail so badly....
I am looking towards the things that make me smile and praying they pull me through.

My God has promised he will never give me anything I cannot handle, but did he take this class? haha just kidding. I know He will pull me through, but right now I'm tired and just would like Him to go ahead and do his thing...