The first step in faith is realizing someone else has a better plan.... And the second is just letting that plan happen.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Not worth the Truth
Ain't gonna be no more talking
These Words seem to be just wastin'
I'm just gonna keep on walkin 'til I see that mirror I'm suppose to be facin'.
The road that shapes me is painful and long.
But sometimes I can look in those eyes and know the eyes that are starin back at me are stong.
Strong, by the road that I've been walkin'
Strong, by the pain I've been enduring.
Those eyes look straight through to my heart and soul with all it's scaring.
But the road that I've been walking has made me strong.
The road I keep walking has valleys and it's streams.
But each breath I take seems clean.
It's a lonely road I walk at times.
Only wish I could see the end.
Each time I look up, I pray my heart to mend.
Strong, by the road I've been walkin'
Strong, by the pain I've been enduring.
Those eyes look straight through my heart and soul with all it's scaring.
But the road that I've been walking has made me STRONG.
What to do now?
You all say that I deserve better, you all say that this too shall past... the anger, the pain... you say to let go... it's just not that black and white. Maybe to you, looking on from the outside, but here in the middle of this storm, all colors are running together from the tears I cry and the wind that is my anger. I wish I could be as strong as you want me to be, to just be okay, to not want to run away anymore, but the painful truth is that I am not that strong. There are people and my God that are holding me up right now but there are times that I fight it because that means I'm weak....
I know I didn't deserve this, but it would be easier to know that I did so that I could make ME better....
This road I am on... it is ragged. It's already knocked the shoes off my feet, now it's blistering my skin. This road I am on seems to dead end signs all around it with no detour. This road I am on is the scariest place I have ever been.
Don't pity me.
Don't try to make me better.
Don't tell me my GPS screwed me up and lead me astray, and don't tell me there is someone out there that won't hurt me like this.... because at this point, there is no one that could handle my scars, my pain, and my hurt... nor would I ask anyone to do that.
Don't tell me it's going to be okay, just cry with me.
Don't avoid me for the truth you may hear me say.
Don't put him down, that doesn't help me... because I'm the one who loved him. I'm the one who has to look at my past and see the lies....
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
...enjoy...
So I have been encouraged to write again... to get back to it... to let my soul go and just write again. . .
To say that the past year was tough would be an understatement...
To say that I fell down a few times would just be thinking positive...
But, I'm still alive. 2011 greeted me in Paradise with my Mr. Ely and some friends. It was a great week that was more like a dream and escape than anything else. But all good things, especially vacations, come to an end.
I was welcomed back by 2011 with tough decisions welcomed with the excitement of new opportunities, hard conversations and plenty of tears, all combined with another feeling of loss. No my life is NOT a sob story, but it indeed is a bit difficult at the moment. I am blessed and have been blessed by some very unexpected surprises over the past few weeks....
The funny thing about life is that you can never, ever predict it... even when you think you know all of the variables are suppose to add up to one thing, usually... life has its own way of throwing in it's special little things to throw off the whole equation.
I never thought that I would experience the loss that I did in 2010. I felt like my whole world was dumped out and set on fire right in front of my eyes... but oh the beauty that can grow from ashes when given the right opportunity. I have learned, oh I have learned. I feel as though I know myself better than I ever had before, and honestly, I kinda like myself now. I have a strength in me that gives me the encouragement to face the things I am facing today. My faith has had moments of sheer confusion, and well, has lacked completely at times. My life is not all hunky dory now because I went through all of that, but my life is enriched by the things I learned from it all and will continue to learn from the years.
For now, I am facing the job of my dreams. Facing means more like it is right at my finger tips, I can almost taste the beauty of coffee every morning in an office.... but well, that is only in my dreams at the moment. I am not sure if that dream is going to happen. I desperately want it, but ya know, I want a lot in life. We shall see what happens, and whatever does, it will be for the best, it always is.
Friends, well I have a few. I love them all dearly... I love all of those that I have considered a friend over the past few years. Learning that things change and people come in and out of others lives is a difficult thing when you still love the people that walk away. . . Each person that has walked in and out of my life has not only taught me about life, but she has taught me about myself as well.
I think I could write and write til I fall asleep on this thing, but I feel as though I am mumbling... last night I wrote a friend of mine and told him who I thought I was... the sweet contradiction called my heart... Maybe one day I can share it with the world, but I am still learning about it... about life and the funny little things it throws around. . . Until then, I will most likely write in the fun spurts that I always have..... Enjoy....
To say that the past year was tough would be an understatement...
To say that I fell down a few times would just be thinking positive...
But, I'm still alive. 2011 greeted me in Paradise with my Mr. Ely and some friends. It was a great week that was more like a dream and escape than anything else. But all good things, especially vacations, come to an end.
I was welcomed back by 2011 with tough decisions welcomed with the excitement of new opportunities, hard conversations and plenty of tears, all combined with another feeling of loss. No my life is NOT a sob story, but it indeed is a bit difficult at the moment. I am blessed and have been blessed by some very unexpected surprises over the past few weeks....
The funny thing about life is that you can never, ever predict it... even when you think you know all of the variables are suppose to add up to one thing, usually... life has its own way of throwing in it's special little things to throw off the whole equation.
I never thought that I would experience the loss that I did in 2010. I felt like my whole world was dumped out and set on fire right in front of my eyes... but oh the beauty that can grow from ashes when given the right opportunity. I have learned, oh I have learned. I feel as though I know myself better than I ever had before, and honestly, I kinda like myself now. I have a strength in me that gives me the encouragement to face the things I am facing today. My faith has had moments of sheer confusion, and well, has lacked completely at times. My life is not all hunky dory now because I went through all of that, but my life is enriched by the things I learned from it all and will continue to learn from the years.
For now, I am facing the job of my dreams. Facing means more like it is right at my finger tips, I can almost taste the beauty of coffee every morning in an office.... but well, that is only in my dreams at the moment. I am not sure if that dream is going to happen. I desperately want it, but ya know, I want a lot in life. We shall see what happens, and whatever does, it will be for the best, it always is.
Friends, well I have a few. I love them all dearly... I love all of those that I have considered a friend over the past few years. Learning that things change and people come in and out of others lives is a difficult thing when you still love the people that walk away. . . Each person that has walked in and out of my life has not only taught me about life, but she has taught me about myself as well.
I think I could write and write til I fall asleep on this thing, but I feel as though I am mumbling... last night I wrote a friend of mine and told him who I thought I was... the sweet contradiction called my heart... Maybe one day I can share it with the world, but I am still learning about it... about life and the funny little things it throws around. . . Until then, I will most likely write in the fun spurts that I always have..... Enjoy....
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