These are not tears of Defeat

So I just don't understand.
I need to just get away from everything and let myself be still with the Lord. I am incredibly frustrated by situations in my life that are out of my control. I want to fix them, i want to make things better. For one situation I feel helpless, like I've done all I can. The other, I have no idea. I know it is completely out of my hands but why does it still anger me so? Why do i still cry? Why am I still confused? Why do i now regret things? I never ever wanted to regret anything in life, and now, I regret the thing that I thought was the best thing that the Lord had ever put in my life. I regret letting someone in, giving them everything and trusting they wouldn't do what they've done. And on top of that, now, the situation is a nightmare. I never wanted it to be like this, if we had to be apart, why did it have to end in me boiling with anger at the thought of him? I am thankful that I got to see truth in all the lies, but not happy about being so angry and bitter towards another human... towards a brother in Christ. This is not how it is suppose to be!! At All!!!

And God has really burdened me with the thought that maybe I was like this at one point in my life towards someone else. . . and it just kills me. I would NEVER EVER wish this sort of pain, confusion, anger, and disappointment on ANYONE.... and to think that I might have CAUSED it for someone else. Oh wow. That just stinks. How do i make ammends for that? And will Daniel ever see this the way I am?
There are alot of questions, alot of things that I wish were not how they were right now... but I cannot change them. All i can do is realize that He is in control. Not me, not ever me, but Him. And he knows what is going on. He calms my anger and fears, he knows what it feels like to be lied to and hurt.... and He is there constantly. Those times I feel lonely, just want a hug or a smile, or a gentle touch.... He is there. Maybe not physically, but my heart feels it. One day He is going to give me something better than this, someone who can hug me better than Daniel ever did, someone that can stroke my face and warm my soul.... I trust that the Lord will bring that to me when the time is right, so until then, the tears I cry are not out of defeat they are out of a heart crying to the Lord to be all I need.

((this is so hard))