I discovered something today ....

I know sometimes everyone goes through a light bulb moment in their life, it can't just be me. Especially when it has to do with yourself... it's like you know yourself, but there is a moment in time where your thoughts align with words that align with your core and create a beautiful moment of discovery.

THis morning when thinking of all the things in my life right now that I love in addition to all those things in my past that I loved and gave effort to.... and found the strand that linked all of it:
When I am involved in something, when I care about something whether I am involved directly in it or someone close to me is... I inadvertantly and unconciously go out of my way to help it succeed. Not in a selfish or egotistic way, not for my own pride, but because it comes natural when I care even in the least amount about something.
Some may take it is me being nosey, or just wanting to control things.... but as far as I know that's not the case.... its just I care and want it (whatever it may be) to succeed. I have never regretted one moment spent in trying to organize, help, or contribute to anything I have done thus far in my life. I absolutely loved stressing over Prom in high school and dealing with the drama so that when that day came, I saw how happy people were.... I loved putting together a surprise party for my parents and being secretive with people they love, so that when they walked in the room and saw all those people who have been in their lives for years and all they could do was smile... I love pitching ideas and helping other organizations come up with ideas to increase enthusiasm and membership among memebers.... and it even goes to personal things that aren't like big 'organized' events.....
I would and do love any opportunity I get to help out people in my life.... whether it be feeding them because I know their hungry, picking them up and taking them somewhere, giving them a place to stay, trying to help with money sitations, or even something as simple as handing them a glass of water when I see a need....

This is something that is second nature to me, yes I've known it all my life, but today it just hit me that I love this heart He gave me.... I love that no matter how hard I try I can't just sit back and let things happen around me, I have to be fully involved, I have to be helping/caring/loving/encouraging people around me.

I just pray that my heart is seen through every thing I do. I pray that people see my actions as my heart pouring out wanting to love and not Darby not wanting to be left out or something.

So today, I discovered my heart again...
:)

If only someone had told me that a month ago...

It really is interesting that it takes one simple sentence to change your outlook on something that completely encompassed your mind...

After a month or so of dating for the first time since Mr. Banks, I began to just freeze up and question things... which to some extent is good, but let me explain more thoroughly:

I had no doubt in my mind that whatever laid in store for me relationship wise, it would be different. Different from Mr. Banks, different from Mr. McCown, and different from any other time I was in relations with a male outside the boundaries of friendship. I knew I wanted to guard the special parts of me, to guard my heart so that no one would be able to take advantage of it, to not put all my eggs in one basket, to not settle but instead be the woman I am no matter what or who walks into and out of my life. So when Mr. Ely came along, I was nervous and very excited to be able to try this whole dating thing with a new 'clean' slate... or so I thought.

Quickly I realized the mission to be different took over the actual newness and clean slated-ness of dating Mr. Ely. My thoughts were not simply of what we were doing together, but more of what I was suppose to say so that I didn't get hurt and what each thing he said to me 'really' meant. I was worrying that he was going to be just like Mr. McCown and say all the right things just so he wouldn't have to be lonely right now... I was worried if I was being too guarded or not enough... If I was suppose to be sharing tihngs, or keeping them a mystery... where was the line? who has the instructions for this assembly?

So after a few bumps in the road from me being overly thoughtful about the whole thing, I broke down and called my dear aunt, aka the relationship/life advisor for Darby. After explaining to her for about a half hour on the phone my dilemma and how I didn't want it to be a repeat of anything in the past and blah blah blah... she quicky stopped me and asked me
" How long have you been dating this guy?"
I answered, "A month and a half"
"Well then just stop worrying about this stuff. There is no reason you need to worry about when and how and what you trust this guy with, just ENJOY DATING HIM"

It was like my eyes were opened, like all the smoke from the thoughts racing through my head suddenly had a flute to fly out of...

and on a deeper level,

I realized with that one sentence that she told me that I had become so afraid of getting hurt that I was not enjoying dating. In life you take risks, I for one am a preacher of risk taking; an advocate of chancing the pain to enjoy the joy. I had let what Mr. McCown did to me and Mr. Banks did to my heart get in the way of that. I had laid the bricks to my own road blocks and now see that they were not blocks at all, there were minor speed bumps, or even maybe just secret doors that just needed the right combination to unlock and lead me into something better.

So now, I am just going to enjoy this, whatever it is. I am going to enjoy being called 'hun' and 'babydoll' and kissed goodnight when I do. I am going to share things when they come up, and just go with the flow. If that means I may just fall, I pray that either the landing won't be so rough this time around, or Mr. Ely's arms wont be too sore from working cattle. ;) Either way this time in my life is a lesson learning time, this is the time to not be afraid due to the past, but embrace what He brings into my life.

So that's what I am doing.
It's exciting!!

Now, just to figure out where this Mr. Ely came from and why he's takin a liking to me?

A New Decade, A New Year...

Let's just start out with the DECADE part.... what?!

It's been ten years since the turn of the millinium, you know the time where people thought the world was going to end....
Over the past ten years my world has expanded exponentially and compounded memories daily... some good, some not so much... but each minute of the past ten years has shaped me into the woman I am today. These past ten years have been the best and worst of my 20 years on this earth. I hope to see many more decades filled with friends, laughter, love, and all things wonderful... I also pray to be strong through the tough times, to remember what all those difficulties have taught me over, and to remember the silence of my broken heart so that I can cherish the mended pieces.
Ten years.... it makes me feel old. I can remember just like yesterday a moment in time in each of those years...

Mostly, I can remember this past year like it's a movie played inside my brain everytime I think of it.... scenes of heartache, stomach aches from laughing so hard, silence that spoke a thousand words.... pictures and sounds woven together like they are part of a delicately and specifially chosen for that time and place by a master of art.
When I think of 2009 the one word that sticks out in my head is Family. Blood and Soul... friend whom have become more than friends, they have etched their way into my family. If ever someone tried to tell me that family is only blood, I would have to strongly disagree due to the proof right before my eyes. I don't know why I have been so blessed to have the friends I have, but I am... I cannot explain the bond us girls have with each other for I do not know the bond of sisters apart from them.... I'm sure it's pretty close to what sisterhood would be. These girls put up with me at my worst and best, understand me even when I don't get myself, and appreciate my goofy tendencies. I know without a shadow of a doubt that I will never be alone through anything. Ever.

This past year each and every day has been full of life and joy, new adventures and new lessons....

Here's a few of my favorite memories of 2009 (in semi-chronological order)

• Randy Rogers, Cody Canada, Wade Bowen... acoustic with my best friend and brother down in Houston at the House of Blues
• Spring Retreat with Hospitality and meeting all of those amazing people in my Huddle... Nick Pearce, Joey Dunn, Caitlin Saunders, Taylor Tullos, Jennifer McCoy, Wilson, Renee, Bridget... and soooo many more
• Girls wine night at my house that ended up with a dance off with me and Shannon
• New York City with my best friend, Jessica Walker.... Salsa Dancing and lottery for Wicked... poor hairs and personal assistants... Aspen Lounges and Bobby Flay cheesecake...
• Big Event 2009, Papa George making jokes about going hunting with Dick Cheney, and Joey being blown away that I was only 19 (at the time)
• Cupcake Crew... round 2 with the BSM
• Basketball games with Mike Fox... scary faces!!!
• Obannons. Period.
• Meeting Brittany Hrncir at Sweet Eugenes for the first time and then the next day picking her up after she locked her keys in her car and offering marshmellows to make her better.... we fell in love that day ;)
• Hanging out at Rachel Alldredge's house all the time, watching Private Practice and giggling alot... getting to know Bridget more...
• Spring Formal with Hospitality... all the crazy pictures
• Going out to NG/Obannons with Britt and Brynn.... being UNACCEPTABLE and not caring much
• Butt Fahking
• BBQs that were blessed with grass (in the yard!) and friends
• Yoga/Working out at the REC.... Rachel Yingst being so fierce and amazing
• Summer "love" and learning about shady people... Pong at Robertos... talking Cailtin into giving Robert another chance...
• Forth of July!!! Lake Bryan!! Bridget's date with the bathtub/toilet...
• My birthday weekend...... soooo much going on, laughing/crying... being treated like royalty by my dearest Bill, my (non blood) families meeting each other... a looooong emotional drive home.... "it's okay, we're happier in our lives than you are" ... all we heard was footsteps in a fast pace, then saw Jessica splash in the lake with all her clothes on...
• Moving into my apartment and out of the duplex of drama.... YAY FOR MIKE FOX AND GARRETT!!!
• River Trip #1... just the girls getting away and being free... "If you contaminate my beer.... I will probably still drink it!" - Britt ... sitting out by the 'fire' and just laughing... knowing we are beautiful and strong women no matter what was going on... Jumping on the beds, giggling, meeting cute Aggie guys that were there for a funeral....
• Realizing our lives should be a TV show due to the fact we always have observers where ever we are
• Falling in LOVE with Texas Country, stalking Josh Abbott.... seeing more shows than I have in my whole life and loving every second of it
• Going out with my boots on, dancing like crazy with out boots on, planking with my boots on.... and breakfast at the Kettle with my boots on (CANDY is so fierce)
• THE HANGOVER!!! Seeing it 2 times in theater, having amazing beverages the second time... realizing that it is our movie (minus the roofies aka floories and vegas....) ... the creation of The Wolfpack... RAWR!!!! and officially deciding on 2010 plans for a Vegas invasion
• Ziegfest... although all the memories aren't just great, it was still a day o fun and a night o mehiem....
• AGGIE FOOTBALL. Bus Pictures. Overall pictures/stares/comments... Mike Fox excitment... midnight yells that were unsuccessful but we were more than prepared.... Mason dragging Jess across campus... getting towed... Bowl games that were more of a fun adventurous road trip than anything...
• 42 at the Chicken... "how the heck are we still single?!"
• Shenannigans.
• Concerts that introduced us to more than music... cowboys and t-sips... I think I got the best deal.... ;) sometimes you just gotta take a chance... ' life's a dance you learn as you go... sometimes you lead sometimes you follow. don't worry about what you don't know, life's a dance you learn as you go"
• realizing that things change, but for once in my life that won't stop the love I share with the friends I have.... trust is a funny thing... friendships aren't always smooth, but the ones I have will always be there no matter if the road is rocky or level... finding out that it's gonna be really odd if the wolfpack has to disperse... it's hard not spending Christmas together...
• AGR boys and the wolfpack... almost like peanut butter and jelly...
• Watching my Papaw love my Grammie despite her breaking his heart every day.... knowing that I want and deserve to be loved like that. Cherishing my memories with all those in my life because life is not certain.... being thankful that eternity is spent in His precesence with those Angels who've already gone home...
• long talks at Terazzos... seems like that place is just dubbed the 'serious conversation, let's all cry' location

And then..... New Years.

It was something special to be surrounded by my friends when 2009 left us... we all had bitterness towards 09... but yet we all had fond memories of one of the craziest years we've ever had. It was a year of extremes. So standing in the crowd in Dallas with my best friends when the clock hit 12:00 AM... it was like all those memories flashed in my mind, put a smile on my face, then I looked around and realized... that was just the beginning... 2009, no matter how much we hated some of the things that happened, we all recognized that it brought the beginning of life long friendships, life long bonds that won't ever fade... and then, we looked 2010 right in the face and all said "BRING IT".

2010 could not have started in a better way. Granted yes, 2010 could have put $10,000 dollars in my account and that would have been lovely..... but it didn't, it did more than that... it showed me there is a tomorrow, that the grandness I felt in that moment was only the beginning... That I live a life that is still at work for a greater purpose, that no matter how much I have failed or come short in the past year, I have hope of this year being better. I have strength from the falls I have taken.... and I know my true source of joy... His security and promises to me.

This year has already found me in new places.... two days into it and I'm scared to death and happier than I've ever been in a relationship... I have the best friends a girl could ask for... a family that loves me even if they don't agree with some of my choices.... a dog that's the goofiest thing in the world but loves me unconditionally.... and only 363 more days to enjoy it and all the new adventures of 2010!!!

So I am beginning to learn a few tough things about myself, and realize that all I have seen others struggle with, deserve, and enjoy also are for me.

Let's just go with first things first:

Lately my girls and I have just been showered with a mix of blessings and curses. We have been through the extremes: one of us being broken hearted and one starting in on something new and refreshing. After sitting on the sidelines for a while, getting frustrated that there was no game to play or that others were in my spot, I realized that the game is not what it's about, thatI needed to sit there as long as it took me to realize that it's the lessons learned, the memories made, and the positive impact the game leaves on you that's what it's about and what it makes it worth it.

Meaning.... each girl out there, yes EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US deserve these things:

1. to be pursued completely and honestly

I feel as if I am a broken record player when I say this, plus I feel like this saying

has been told to every girl over and over again so we begin to not believe in the truth of this statement. But it really is true. I honestly didn't really believe in it, I thought that if I was going to get a guy, then I'd have to make sure he knew I wanted him and in order for me to know exactly what was going on I would put everything out there before I knew anything from him. But ya know, that's no good. I (as most girls I know) want a man, a guy who sees what he wants and goes after it... whether that be a deer in the field or yours truely. It shows character, it shows desire, it shows respect... when a woman is pursued there is no question that there is interest, ergo no doubt in a womans mind that she is worth it.

And then the cherry on top... honestly pursued. there is a difference in today's world from the guys who just pursue girls because they are good at it and know they can get their way, and the guys who seek girls they are genuinely attracked to and want more than just a fling with. Honesty is something that hinges everything. If you don't have honesty within the pursuit, it leads to a dead end.

2. to be treated like a woman of worth

There is a big difference in todays world in being a woman who is respected and held at a position of worth and those women whom are just there being women. Each and every girl/woman in this world deserves to be treated like she's a precious, rare, unique beauty... because we ARE! My Creator did not create me equal to man, but in addition to, as someting beautiful and desired to finish his creation. Don't you think guys should see that? I mean I am aware that Eve sorta messed things up, but that's beside the point here... she was created to complete Adam... soemthing rare and not identical to him, but something to compliment him. It's kinda like the best wine to go with the best steak... the wine makes the meat savory, puts the meat on a different level....

well, girls, we are the wine and those boys are the meat.... each beautiful on their own, each unique, each not free... but together they are complimentary and right.

Every girl needs to feel as though they are worth something wonderful when she is in the prescence of a man, especially one whom has feelings for her.

3. for a guy to see a woman, a girl, and a lover... something tender and fierce all at once and respect it

Every girl is a complex composition written by the most poetic author known. She is no something to be defined, nor can she be limited to one single analogy. No, a woman is a masterpiece, each strand of her heart and personality woven by her life's lessons, heartbreaks, fears, accomplishments, and loves. Each strand different but all her own unique brand.

Each and every woman out there can admit to having moments of feeling like she can take over the world, and simultaneously being clingy and wanting to just be loved. I know that I have moments when I turn into a child and act like a baby... while also making serious decisions and taking care of the day to day grind called life. We as women can be strickly independent while desperately desiring to depend on something and someone to hold our hand.

I need someone to put up with me when I am at my worst and my best. Each and every girl deserves a guy that can look her in the eye when she is fighting mad with the same kind of respect that he gives her when he is holding her while watching a movie. I can't stand it when I hear about some guy treating a girl bad when she is having a bad day, or not being able to just care about her when she's down and out. I've experienced that, and as most things, just thought it was normal... but guess what... ITS NOT!!

I am not saying that a guys shouldn't stand up for what is right, or not be a man in any situation, but girls are complex, we don't have maps, we don't have indexes, we are just us... the good, the bad, and the ugly. Everyone on this earth, man or woman, deserves someone that can put up with them.

One of the truest things I've ever heard lately " if he can't stand you being you 24/7, then he's not him".

So true. So true.

4. to be herself and still be admired

Like point number 3, every woman has the right to be herself completely and not feel bad about it. Everyone needs to be able to be authentic in who they are without fear of someone not liking them or wanting to be around them anymore. It is truely sad that this world has come to be a world that just wants everyone to be a cookie cutter, everyone to be the same, that doesn't embrace people whom stay true to themselves despite adversity, instead try to sway people to all acting the same when facing different sitations with different hearts and passions.

We are all unique.

Each and every soul on this planet has a unique life, a unique heart that is soley theirs. No two people are the same in beliefs, personality, and character... And no one, absolutely no one, should ever be discouraged from being true to themselves.

All of us can recall a time where they were true to themselves and there was a negative reaction from someone else. I can name plenty of times where I ended up feeling bad that I was honest or that I was just being me around people. That feeling is not one I want to embrace, I'd rather embrace the feeling of someone laughing at me then grabbing me and holding me close telling me never to change, or a circle of friends just saying "that's Darby for ya"....

Every girl has her quirks, and those quirks are what make her special.

So, no matter who you are, don't let anyone make you feel bad for being you.

(don't think I am not speaking to my own situations)

Be you.

People who love you and embrace you are the people you need and want, and those other people who don't can kiss it.

Through the trials and excitement of the past month or so, I have discovered those points, as well as others... I have found that guys aren't always going to be like the last one, and that sometimes, no matter how much you want something to work, it doesn't. Life is not mapped out, there is no manual or index for my life so I can protect myself from the next thing coming. It is simply just life, a life full of twists and turns, heartaches and joy... but one thing remains constant... the truth I have in my God and the promises I have in Him that show me what and who I deserve to be.

With that being said...

Trust.

Yuk.

I hate that word.

I have, just as of lately, figured out that I have some very deep seeded trust issues that are growing some buds in my life right now. I never really thought I had issues with trust.... I thought very wrong. After different issues in my past, after having my heart broken and being mistreated.... I find it very difficult to just let myself be happy. I am always second guessing people, even those closest to me that have never hurt me in any way. It truly sucks. I have found coming into a new relationship that my past heartaches puts up road blocks and completely shuts me off from being natural and myself around this person. This ofcourse makes me very upset, because I hate being fake with people. Even worse, the guy noticed.

This goes further than just guys, or friends... it even comes down with my trust in the Lord. I recently have found myself fighting internally about trusting Him and what He is doing with my life. He has done nothing but provided for me, loved me, forgiven me, and sheltered me... yet, I get scared trusting Him because the times I trusted Him most, were the times I was in the most pain. Those times taught me so much, but still hurt me to think about... I trusted Him to protect me from the pains I faced, but instead it seemed as though they were amplified.

And then when I think about times where I have fully trusted people, I don't honestly think I can tell you more than 2 instances where that trust has not been broken. Yes, I do realize that everyone is human and things can't always be perfect. Yes, I do realize that times happen and trusts get broken because things aren't always perfect. Yet I do understand that this life is far from a fairy tale..... but you see... my heart doesn't get that all the time. My heart still finds it hard to wrap around people lying to me, much less knowinly breaking my trust and heart with one sentance. My heart still believes that people mean what they say, my heart still sees the best in people despite all the warning signs they put up about the curses they hold. But then when the light shines in, I see all the writing all the wall that was covered up so neatly by the pictures of all the lies I was being told. And it's then when my heart gets crushed, when I doubt what I've done.

So you see, I have found a dilemma. I have found that despite how much I may try, trust is going to take effort, that people are only human, and that life isn't a fairy tale...
With that being said, life is a beautiful thing full of ups and downs, broken bridges and construction areas, new lessons and old memories....

So here's to knowing I deserve the best and looking at things in honest light...
here's to just letting things flow and learning to trust
Here's to all that have done me wrong and made me strong
Here's to all that have yet to come and all that poured kerosene on the bridge and handed me the torch
Here's to the new sunrise every morning, and the sunset that is never changing
Here's to all I've learned and will learn,
But most of all, here's to those in my life that have proven me wrong and stayed by my side.

whompy whompy whompy

This weekend was a rough weekend.
I am emotional due to things going on in my life, I had an event to put on that pretty much flopped, and then ontop of that I had a few big hits to my bank account.

Sometimes I just wonder if things will ever go smoothly for a length of time longer than a week. I try to be positive despite circumstances, I try to harness the strength He gives me, but sometimes life just gets to me.

I think about things too much, I become personally involved in situations that are only set up to not have the best outcomes. I care despite the warning signs, I give everything I have to things that are important to me and even though it shouldn't matter much, it hurts when others could care less. In the midst of being caught up with my passions, I lose sight of the little things.

I'm at a stage in life where I am having to fight my urges to be jealous of some of my closest friends. I am confused and doubting in my self confidence. I don't want to be single anymore dangit! I want to have a relationship with someone, not just anyone, and not really looking for marriage. I want to know that I'm valuable and even though all my value is found in Christ, I am having a hard time feeling that due to the world around me. Singleness is great, for a while. Then it gets annoying and frustrating. I am such a relational person, I absolutely love to be in a situation where I get to share myself and value another. I have the best friends in the world, yes... but those friends and I don't hold hands, don't stay up for hours talking about things in life, don't just call for no reason, they don't hug me and not let go when I'm having a bad day. I want to be with someone, to ride in the passenger seat and let them steer, I would absolutely love a movie that I didn't have to pay for. This small and not so important void in my life is getting me down. The devil gets in my head and starts those stupid questions like "what am I doing wrong?" "is there something wrong with me that is repelling guys?" . . . that kinda thing. All while my best friend, beautiful as ever and practically glowing with joy, can't go out without having guys fall all over her, and not just in a physical sence but in a way that they WANT to be connected to her. It's beautiful to watch, but then at the same time, I'm going... well dang. haha
Do'nt get me wrong, don't hear that wrong. . . I am so happy for her, she of all people deserves to be sought after and pampered, she deserves every second of attention from guys that will treat her well.
just makes me wish she and I could share in that together in a way.
Please don't tell me I am a horrible person for that, it's just raw feelings. I am all about honesty right now in my life, so dadgumit, I'm just gonna tell you how I feel.

and yes. I am complaining.

This is the place I get to voice my complaints so I don't make anyone upset or so that people don't think I'm sitting here in self pity. This is my place to breath and be free of guards/walls/filters. I'm not going to apologize for saying exactly how I feel.

Wrap me up Lord.

Wrap me up in those loving arms I have walked away from over and over again.

Hold me.

Whisper in my ears that it will be okay.

Calm my anxiety and fears, for you have won this battle, my faith and life is secure in you.

Show me the beauty of the day.

Send me endless reminders of you love for me.

You say I'm 'irresitable, beautiful, and lovely'.... remind my heart.

Squeeze me while you carry me through this day.

There is peace and love in Your arms.

I just want to cry, let lose and empty my tears... Empty them into your hands.

Your shelter does not say that it will make everything okay, but simply that it will protect me from harm.

Remind me Jesus, love me now more than ever.

Hold me with such passion and strength that there will be no doubt left in my mind.

In my weakness remind me of the kingdom I have to gain in you.

Because after all, every night has it's dawn, every storm blows by, and each nightmare is only a dream.

if someone wants to encourage me, encourage me, if someone
wants to direct me, let them take my hand and lead, if someone wants me to
listen, let them speak to my heart