whompy whompy whompy

This weekend was a rough weekend.
I am emotional due to things going on in my life, I had an event to put on that pretty much flopped, and then ontop of that I had a few big hits to my bank account.

Sometimes I just wonder if things will ever go smoothly for a length of time longer than a week. I try to be positive despite circumstances, I try to harness the strength He gives me, but sometimes life just gets to me.

I think about things too much, I become personally involved in situations that are only set up to not have the best outcomes. I care despite the warning signs, I give everything I have to things that are important to me and even though it shouldn't matter much, it hurts when others could care less. In the midst of being caught up with my passions, I lose sight of the little things.

I'm at a stage in life where I am having to fight my urges to be jealous of some of my closest friends. I am confused and doubting in my self confidence. I don't want to be single anymore dangit! I want to have a relationship with someone, not just anyone, and not really looking for marriage. I want to know that I'm valuable and even though all my value is found in Christ, I am having a hard time feeling that due to the world around me. Singleness is great, for a while. Then it gets annoying and frustrating. I am such a relational person, I absolutely love to be in a situation where I get to share myself and value another. I have the best friends in the world, yes... but those friends and I don't hold hands, don't stay up for hours talking about things in life, don't just call for no reason, they don't hug me and not let go when I'm having a bad day. I want to be with someone, to ride in the passenger seat and let them steer, I would absolutely love a movie that I didn't have to pay for. This small and not so important void in my life is getting me down. The devil gets in my head and starts those stupid questions like "what am I doing wrong?" "is there something wrong with me that is repelling guys?" . . . that kinda thing. All while my best friend, beautiful as ever and practically glowing with joy, can't go out without having guys fall all over her, and not just in a physical sence but in a way that they WANT to be connected to her. It's beautiful to watch, but then at the same time, I'm going... well dang. haha
Do'nt get me wrong, don't hear that wrong. . . I am so happy for her, she of all people deserves to be sought after and pampered, she deserves every second of attention from guys that will treat her well.
just makes me wish she and I could share in that together in a way.
Please don't tell me I am a horrible person for that, it's just raw feelings. I am all about honesty right now in my life, so dadgumit, I'm just gonna tell you how I feel.

and yes. I am complaining.

This is the place I get to voice my complaints so I don't make anyone upset or so that people don't think I'm sitting here in self pity. This is my place to breath and be free of guards/walls/filters. I'm not going to apologize for saying exactly how I feel.

Wrap me up Lord.

Wrap me up in those loving arms I have walked away from over and over again.

Hold me.

Whisper in my ears that it will be okay.

Calm my anxiety and fears, for you have won this battle, my faith and life is secure in you.

Show me the beauty of the day.

Send me endless reminders of you love for me.

You say I'm 'irresitable, beautiful, and lovely'.... remind my heart.

Squeeze me while you carry me through this day.

There is peace and love in Your arms.

I just want to cry, let lose and empty my tears... Empty them into your hands.

Your shelter does not say that it will make everything okay, but simply that it will protect me from harm.

Remind me Jesus, love me now more than ever.

Hold me with such passion and strength that there will be no doubt left in my mind.

In my weakness remind me of the kingdom I have to gain in you.

Because after all, every night has it's dawn, every storm blows by, and each nightmare is only a dream.

if someone wants to encourage me, encourage me, if someone
wants to direct me, let them take my hand and lead, if someone wants me to
listen, let them speak to my heart