Isaiah 30:21

"If you wander off the road to the right or the left, you will hear His voice behind you saying, 'Here is the road. Follow it." --Isaiah 30:21

The Past:

So Friday I spent most of my day trying to understand why this year had been so crappy.
I was crying on the shoulder of one of my friends telling them how horrible this year had been, how they didn't understand, how my frustrations were valid, how they were insulting me when saying "everyone runs into walls sometimes"... I had run into a freaking dam, not a wall.
I cried and cried, as I have done plenty of times, about how much this year has been an epic failure and how everything I had believed in for the past two years was all for not; how I couldn't shake this rut that I am in because I keep thinking about all the things I want and love are gone.
I will be honest, I am struggling. I have been for a while. There are things in my life that I do not understand. I do not understand at all why I lost the job that I was more passionate about than anything in this world, I do not understand how I could have loved one person so much and them betray me in the worst of ways, I do not understand how I could have lost any more friends than I did last year but I did, I do not understand how I cannot force myself to be happy in the job I have because it simply isn't my old job. I do not understand how when I finally put myself out there again on the line for a chance at something more than a friendship I get shot down and find out there is another person (story of my life). I do not understand how my family can blame me for everything and make me the person responsible for the loss of a relationship with my beloved brother whom I've needed so badly lately. I do not understand how people say they try to encourage me when they tell me how horrible of a person I have been. I do not understand why all of this has happened at once and how I do not have the strength to overcome it anymore.

I was telling my friend that I just want to go away and start new somewhere where no one knows me, no one knows my story, and where I can start fresh. They said "you can't just run away from everything".... well why the hell not? And I wouldn't consider it running away, I would consider it starting new. Everything in this town has a way of finding a weak spot and having a little sting of pain. This town was my dream, was all I wanted, it had everything to offer my life: love, Aggies, cows and tractors, my job and all the people I hosted, a new house, friendships... everything.

All of this to say, a week ago today, I called one of my sisters and confessed to her my burning agony, my burning guilt, my burning frustrations that were burning my soul to ashes. I told her the way I have reacted to these struggles absolutely aggravate me and that I feel like a horrible daughter of the King because I have constantly sought out temporary fixes and shelter from the storm in my heart. And I have. I have ran away from the Lord so much lately because of my sheer frustration of not understanding why the things had happened the way they have. It still frustrates me. (as you can tell) But I told her that I needed help with accountbaliity to not stay 'strong' but to stay faithful to the fact that my God has it under control. My mind knows these things when I am struggling due to the fact I was raised in an amazing Christian home that taught me from the day I was born about our God's strength, power, and infinite love. It's just hard for my heart to understand that when I feel so darn yucky.

What I am trying to say is that I am still struggling with my purpose right now. I am praying constantly about what HE wants from me now that He has stripped me raw. I'm not saying the Lord maliciously did these things to me nor likes that my heart is so broken, I am saying my God has a reason in everything that happens in my life and there is something He wants me to know from all of this and a road he is making straight for me, I just have to follow Him to find it.

From this moment on:
So yes, those of you that love me, the past couple of months has been a broken reflection of what was going on in my heart. I may have disappointed you, but for goodness sake, understand how much I disappoint myself and that I know I disappoint all of you around me when I am broken so hearing it just stabs my heart that much more. All my life my family has struggled when I say that I don't want to hear how much they don't like who I am, not saying I do not want to hear their feelings, but that I already feel that and know how much I have hurt them, how much I have let them down and how much they don't like who I am... I know that by a simple look, much less hearing it from their mouth and it killing me more.

I am not who you may want me to be. I may not have chosen the things you wanted me to. I may not like the right things you want me to like. I may be a free spirit deviating from the family traditions. My faith may be a little different than yours formed in the pews of the church. But I am who I am. I am still and will always be a child of God. My faith is rooted out of the mistakes I have made and the raw-ness of all of the lessons learned. I still love my family, I still want my family to embrace me, I still love my Jesus and know that He holds me- even though sometimes I forget it, run from it, or don't understand it...


These struggles over this year will mold me and teach me things. I celebrate the days that go by without a tear shed. It's the small things in life!

So, on a positive tone, this holiday season, although it will come with its struggles, I want to make the best of it. I want to learn to find something to be thankful for each day so that I can hold on to it and thank my Jesus for the blessings I have NOW. I want to get through it and have a great foundation to build all the greatness of 2012 on. I am determined to not let the negative things of this year bring my future down because the future is what I have! The present moment is a gift and I want to use it to explore the way God wants me to go and experience the opportunities I can so that I can be on the right track.

No more asking why all that crap happened, I am only going to allow myself to think of those things and pray for peace within the circumstances. It's done with. All the crap of 2011 is over, there is not a thing you or I can do about them. I can't get my job back, I can't change Mr. Ely into the person I thought he was, I can't bring back friendships that walked away, I cannot undo the memories... It is all done.
So here's to looking forward and knowing GOD IS IN CONTROL, that He wouldn't have given me anything I couldn't handle, and that the feeling I felt when I was working my dream job, the love I felt before... all of that was just a taste of what the real thing He is sending my way one day.

So. There. I may be in a slump a little longer, I may have hard days come and go, but it won't define me anymore.
(or atleast I'd like to ask you to pray for me that it won't have that power over me anymore)