Just be One

 Usually when I get still to write I have some sort of idea behind the keystrokes, but tonight I do not. 

Tonight I just am feeling life.

Tonight I am in tune with no only my own feelings but feelings of those whom I love dearly. 

Tonight, I write because I have no other outlet, because I have exhausted the outlets I know and I am left with me and this keyboard. 

Tonight, I write because I am feeling in the midst of this journey. 

Tonight I write because I know I am not alone. 

Tonight I write because I know I am loved and seen just as I am. 

Tonight I write because there is something bigger in me to be expressed than just in a simple conversation. 

I wonder how many times I have ignored this sort of urge to write, how many times I just didn't have an idea of what I was going to say so I didn't say anything... but tonight I'm doing my best to stay true to a promise to a friend and write when I know my soul needs to... this is the most me I can be when I'm writing so here goes nothing...

In a world full of unknowns, this I know to be true: the unfailing love of my Savoir, My Creator, my Father knows no bounds. He is and has always been there right beside me when I had nothing other than my empty hands to display to Him and tear stained cheeks to look up at Him with. He alone is my constant. Through all the things I've endured, a lot to my own hand, but some not, He has never waivered. 

Just for instance: I always dread the 29th of July since 4 years ago I commenced to do what I could to not exist any longer... the day brings overwhelming emotions both good and bad, but is a day that I do not look forward to in any way. Alas, here we were, the night of the 28th, I'm trying to make lists of why the next day will be good and why I do not need to call in sick to be able to just sleep the day through and low and behold I saw on social media that my dearest Angel, Julie, was in my neck of the woods. In my sadness, I felt like I should still reach out letting her know I was not far from her and she responded so quickly  it almost took my breath away, she wanted to do coffee on the dreaded day... she had no clue, but she didn't care, she just wanted to see me. 

 So alas, the next day comes and I have something to look forward to, some Angel that God put in my life from a very early age (I'm talking pre-school age) was near by enough to touch my soul once again...  She had no idea, for in her world she was just meeting up with a girl she's prayed for since probably birth and a girl who she's known since pre-conception ... she didn't know the blessing she would be that day. 

We chatted over coffee, caught up in just good ole chit-chat. 

Then I told her. 

I had the strength to tell her. 

I told her how much I dreaded that day, that I wanted to just stay in bed and sleep it away. 

But she didn't bat an eye, she shed a tear with me and just said "I'm so thankful we are here". 

That about summed it up. 

We kept chatting about life and how she could pray for me in the things I was facing but I'm not entirely certain if she knows how special her presence and reaction was to me. . . she didn't flinch, she didn't gasp, she just felt it with me. 

That's what we need so much in this world, people willing to hold someone's hand and feel with them. 

She may never know the impact of what her kindness, her tears with me, or her prayers have meant to me, but I know for certain she understands the impact of what it means to feel and BE with someone in their struggle. 

I pray I am like she was one day to someone. 

I pray I can sit across the hotel lobby booth from someone and shed tears with them both in joy and sadness but mostly in love and just sit in it with someone. 

I pray that she has many jewels in her crown in heaven because it is not every day people, even myself, feel comfortable with a soul enough to another their rawness, but even more so to not have a reaction other than of love. 

Love is what we need so badly in this world. 

Someone to sit in the yuck and just hold our hands and say "I'm so grateful  you're here". 

I needed her that day, and God provided. 

I didn't sleep the day away, I actually had a pretty great day... and I know He put that Angel in my path to make sure it happened that way. 

Angels are among us. 

Just look around, just be one. 

Some things I am Learning

Lessons I'm learning:

• I am courageous.
• It's not conceded of me to think of myself as courageous. 
• It took a lot of courage and faith to make the steps I have in the last few months. 
• Courage and Faith go hand in hand. 
• Being courageous comes does not mean it comes with the responsibility of how others react to your choices. 
• Being courageous isn't always a welcomed trait to people around you. 
• I am His. 
• He has given me the courage to do lean in on faith and trust that He will provide. 
• He has provided. All my needs. 
• I am loved by my creator. 
• He chooses me over the sunsets He creates and calls me (us) His masterpiece. 
• He has held me and given me Peace that only the God of the Universe can give. 
• He is in control and I only need to surrender, surrender everything. 
• I am okay no matter how I feel.
• Feelings are convoluted. 
• Feelings are a distraction from the spiritual truth. 
• I can feel alone, I can feel defeated, I can feel gross... but the foundation I am standing on never changes.  
• My life is an ongoing journey, a journey in which someone else along the way may need me for and it all glorifies my King in the end if I let it, meaning if I'm vulnerable enough to share my story. 
• No matter my journey, God has put someone in my life at my lowest who asks the simple question of "How did you do it?" 
• There has not been a painful season that I haven't told the story about, the story of how God pulled me through...and that will not change today. 
•  My dog is a great companion. 
• Frank is an un-certified emotional support dog. 
• I am so grateful for this dog. 
• He's cute. 
• He's an extension of God's love to me. 
• I am never truly alone despite the devil trying to convince me that I am. 
• I have Frank the Dog. 
• I am literally on the phone most nights with someone at least once every day, someone who loves me, someone who knows me, and someone who wants  to hear my voice. 
• I have people that are grateful to hear my voice and look forward to hearing said voice. 
• I am a survivor. 
• I have not been defeated  by any one of the battles I have faced. 
• I am still here today. 
• This season of my life requires a lot of grace for myself and that is okay. 
• Having grace for myself is a learning experience and one full of vulnerability, it's not always pretty. 
• Being okay with having grace for myself to not do anything one day when I know I need to do things but have no strength to do anything, that's perfectly acceptable of someone who is experiencing healing. 
• Healing requires patience and grace with yourself. It's not overnight, it is a process *(yes Christy, I am trusting the process) 

I am learning with every day, every sunrise, every sunset, every phone call with those I love.... I am learning. 

Four Years - The Gift of the Other Side

 It's been four years since .... 

Four years... 

Who am I today after four years? How have I grown? What have I done with this gift? 

I don't know the answers to any of those questions, I just know I am here.  I am here. I am here. I am here. I work through the days, I stumble, I make mistakes, I sometimes make good choices... but I am here nonetheless. 

You want me to say I'm grateful, and most of the time I am, but every year around this time I cannot say fully what I am other than just here.  I haven't found the reason why He said "No, not yet", but I believe in one day finding out that answer.  Today, I am here. 

So many other people do not get this chance to simply say they are here and for that I am grateful. 

Today, this week, I am clouded with the grief of knowing how I felt in my same body four years ago... alone, weak, sad, abandoned, shipwrecked, and uncomfortable in my own skin. Isolated. Shameful. Alone. Unworthy. I could go on, but I believe you and I both get the point... it was pretty bleak. And it comes back to me during these days. I feel for the person I was during that time, like what I imagine it is to feel for a child who goes through these things... it hurts, but it doesn't quite hurt the same way. I feel those things in a diluted form because I have been given the gift of the other side. Does the other side give all the answers? Heck no! But the other side gives hope that I didn't have in those days. Today I get to feel those things with a glimmer of hope and peace knowing that there is a reason I am still here.  Days like today I have no earthly idea why in fact I am still here, but I know I am and there must be something to it. 

Recently I was talking with a friend and told him the higher you get in life, in the good, in the vulnerability, in the grandness of life the deeper the pool is at the bottom of the cliff.... which isn't all bad... we must know the risk in the high to appreciate the depth. The depth isn't all bad, for it is where we do the most knowing... it isn't the high that we understand things but in the fall and the plunge where we realize the beauty of the scenery from above, and honestly, sometimes we appreciate the scenery below more too. 

All I know is that I am here, and for that, today .... right now, after a good talk with an old friend, I am grateful. It doesn't always feel that way. But in the midst of the plunge to the depths this week is certain to bring (along with the beautiful goodness in the depths), I am grateful. 

He told me NO four years ago. 

In four years I've seen my niece grow to celebrate her fourth birthday, I've seen the expansion of my family by one double dimpled goober, I've surprised my first niece for her birthday, I've moved to a new state that I am absolutely in love with, I've seen states I've never seen before, I've walked through a global pandemic and two career changes, I've hugged by parents and hugged strangers.... I've lived. I haven't figured it all out, but I have lived. 

He told me NO four years ago and gave me the gift of the other side, He never said it would be easy, but I know and I truly believe, it is for a reason.  Maybe one day I'll know the reason, but until then, I'll keep living in the gift of the other side. 

Excerpts from Encampment

No, I haven't been camping out in the woods for an extended period of time.  As absolutely wonderful as that would be in my mind, the title of this post is not about a good ole camping trip.  The idea of encampment came from the book You're Already Amazing by Holley Gerth.  In her book, she talks about where God is leading us and the different stages of the journey in reference to the Israelite's journey from Egypt to the Promised Land.  

You see, I had been in 'Egypt' for a while but in chains in Egypt with hope of something greater since about March of this year.  I struggled, I was whipped to the bone, I was broken.  

God lifted me and took me out of Egypt... into the desert for me to be with Him, to prepare me, to love on me, and to give me rest.  

And there in the desert, in the camp where I spent 60 days in the center of His hands, He prepared me for the journey ahead.  I learned many lessons in the time there, lessons I will be sharing for the remainder of my life... but before I begin going into those things, I figured I could share some excerpts from that time.  

" Ecclesiastes 3:11 says, God 'has made everything beautiful in its time. He also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.'  That verse speaks to what it's like to be in the mysterious middle -- of circumstances, of unmet expectations, of the journey from Egypt to Home.  When we're in the 'middle' of life, we can take comfort in knowing we're right in the center of God's hands too. 

If you feel 'encamped' in your life right now, it may be for any of the purposes we talked about above.  Whatever the reason, use this time to rest and receive the truth your heart needs for the journey.  You are loved. God has a purpose for you.  He is working out his plans for your life. 

And just when you least expect it, you'll be on your way so he can take you all the way to the Promised Land. "

From You're Already Amazing by Holley Gerth

August 10, 2018

Instructed to write a letter from God to ourselves in that very moment:

Darby,

I created you.  Do you hear me?  I am the same One ho paints the skies you look at in awe; I created you.  You are more beloved to me than the mountains and the skies, than the painted fields in the spring. I love you more and created you with more art and thought than those. 

You are my prized creation.  Out of it all-- you are loved by Me more.  

I did not create you to only witness those beautiful things around you, but to be the beautiful and passionate woman you are and to recognize it.  You have to let me have control.  Look how the skies have no control and the work I do there-- can you not trust me to do far more for you, my love?  Can you stop abusing my creation, you, and begin to let me love and heal you with complete abandon of control? 

I got this. 

I have you, I always have.  I love you.

- God 

 September 2, 2018

God is so good... 

My God is powerful, gentle, and wonderfully strong. 

He speaks with grand truth in quiet ways.  

He shows His hand by the mouths of broken women seeking a Power greater than themselves. 

He moves in my heart with the force of armies in the stillness of a song. 

He breaks down my walls with kindness and completeness, showing me more of Himself and more of my need for Him. 

He abounds in Grace and is jealous for my heart.  

A Mother's Love

I am not a mother so there are things that I will not understand until I have a child of my own, however, I have been  blessed to be the daughter of a mother who exhibits the kind of love for her children that I pray to feel when I have my own children. 

My Ma, as I like to call her, loves me to a fault--  if at all possible.  She has loved me through some very hard times and loved me through the times where the wind was at my back and I felt like I was soaring.  

Yesterday was Ma's birthday... she survived another year of loving a stubborn, driven, emotional, challenging, free spirited child.   She deserves to be celebrated more than just for one day.   I have not always been a huge fan of my Ma's love, in fact, there has been times where I didn't want to feel it and wanted to run from it--- but if there is one thing I know more than anything else in the world today it is that my Ma loves me ferociously and despite whatever foes I believe to have in myself.  

My Ma deserves a standing ovation for how hard she loves and the example she gives to not only myself, but to many others about the purity of a mother's love for her children. 

I am rarely at a loss for words when it comes to my writing... but I truly believe that words cannot express how much I appreciate the Lord giving me to her to be her daughter... but I am going to give it a try: 

Since I was a child, my mother and I were more often at odds than not... but I even when we were at odds as a small child I would wake her up and go jump on her while she was in bed.  She would let me sit on her knees that she had propped up and play the 'horsey' game.  I cherish those memories of those quiet mornings together because no matter what the day before held or the day ahead, we started our day in laughter.  

As I grew older, the wooden spoon was not my friend and I threatened more than once to run away-- but only after I had dinner. (trickster she was...) I was a fearless stubborn child that pushed all the limits I possibly could without knowing and sometimes even with the knowledge because, well what kind of strong willed child would I be if I didn't push all the limits?   With each step closer to the line, Ma would not only still tickle my back at night and sing me to sleep, she would remind me she loved me. 

And that she does.  

As the years went by I challenged her (and my father, but mainly her) in many different ways... I was not the daughter I am sure she had hoped for as I became less happy with shopping and more happy with being outdoors or with my dad.   I has my own sense of 'fashion' that was not exactly close to hers at all, but she still loved me enough to swallow her fashion senses and let me dress myself.   

We fought, oh we fought during my teenage years... we tore each other down and refused to surrender our stances.  And even during those hard days when I didn't really understand why I was such a problem, my mother still loved me.  She began to love me in different ways.  She started a prayer group for mothers so that she could be encouraged and so that strong women of faith could come together in their pains and pray for each other, but more importantly pray for children like myself.  She loved me so hard, I  am sure every time they met she cried for me as well as herself as we suffered so much from a lack of ability to get along well with each other.  

Years past, and Ma watched me struggle with friendships, relationships, and simply life... she was and still is always my first call when things feel like the end of the world.  

Looking back now I am able to clearly see how beautifully she has loved me. 

Ma has been my backbone when I didn't know I needed one.  She has cheered me on unselfishly and without question when I believed in what I was doing and the battles I was fighting due to my passions-- she has unselfishly relinquished cherished holidays for my sake so that I could have them around when I was working.  Ma has loved me when I pushed her away in ways that I could not imagine (part of the not having my own children thing I guess), worried nights on end about me, cried countless tears for me, and still put on a smile and tried to cook my favorite meals when I came home.  

Words do not do her justice- do not do her love justice.  

In my years, in my ups and downs, I now can say without hesitation that my mother, Jamie Dawson Barksdale, has always loved me more than I deserve.  I can also say, with a little bit of hesitation because I am still who I am, that I am my mother's daughter in so many beautifully complex ways.  

I know my love, my emotions, and  my gift to feel so deeply is from her.  I know that my jealousy for those I love, my 'motherly spirit' that has won me the honored name of 'Ma' with some friends of mine is from her and her alone.   I boast in the love she has for me, despite the heartache that it may cause both of us.  

I am forever grateful for the unconditional love of my sweet mother-- because she could have easily given up on me, but she has chosen over and over again to keep at it knowing that one day I will be better for it.  

I know that I am not in a great place, I know that right now we likely have the same tear count for what I am going through-- and for that, I cannot thank the sweet Lord above more because I am never alone in my trails.  No matter how much I would like to think I am alone in it and facing these giants on my own-- she is standing in the shadows praying, loving, and fighting with me.  

I pray that I am able to love half the way she loves her children and I am so thankful she has never once given up on me. 

I love you, Jamie Lynn Dawson Barksdale.  

Thank you for being my mother and for all that means. 

Happy belated birthday. 

The love of Family and Friends

Oh how life continues to be one of those things I can never seem to figure out, and honestly, maybe that's the point?

I haven't written in over a year, more than that, to be honest.  Writing is and was always a way to get my thoughts together in such a way I could process different emotions, different issues, and different life experiences I was or had gone through.  Due to a series of very good and very difficult life experiences I have learned a lot about people, friendships, and even myself... most of which I can guarantee you I have yet to learn all I will in the long run.

I've never had such a series of highs and lows like the ones I have been through in the past year alone.  The highs were blissful, those in which dreams are made of; the lows were and are some of the darkest lows I have not only ever gone through but some of the darkest parts of life I pray I never see again.

But...

I am still here.

'Here' is an interesting word to describe my current state, but I am here nonetheless.

One thing I know more deeply than I have ever known is that there are certain people that have the ability to love you no matter what, and those that don't.

My family loves me deeper and more ferociously than I could have ever imagined and in such a way that no matter what the dark days tell me-- I am very loved in spite of my scars and mess of a human that I am today.  I do not deserve how much and how unconditional my family's love is for me, but I also would not be here without it.  Over the past few months I have not only had to tell them truths that hurt (which hurt me more than they will ever understand) but these dark times have allowed my family and I to grow closer due to my unapologetic honesty in this time and fun stories I was always scared to tell them about me in which held back the ability for my family to know the true me more.  

Another is that there are those friends that will stick with you, by your side, and fight with you even when you feel like you have nothing to offer a soul in this world... some lucky people, myself included, have a group of people that nothing but friendship keeps them around, and they don't run.  The saying about having a few true friends is better than 100 half way friends is a very valid and real saying.  My friends that have not once hesitated in loving me through this time are those that I would take bullets for because they have taken a few for me.   

Whether it be family or friends,  I am one truly loved individual and still wonder why at times...

Their love has held my head above water when my body and soul has gone weak and motionless.  Their love has showed me that there is a fight worth fighting for my future, even when I don't see or believe it for myself.  Their love has shown me parts of myself I forgot or lied to myself about its existence by my own sub-conscience to make me feel less worthy of an option of moving forward.

I know that I have already survived so much, but these last few months -- even this last year-- has been one for the books, one that tried to take me down for the count.  The lessons I learned from previous experiences have only given me more understanding about how real and hard these times are because those past things seem so minimal--- but as those that love me remind me of: "[I] always come out one top."

Currently, that's as good as it gets from the things I am learning in this process, but I am very thankful  to know the unconditional love of those that love me, because if that's all that I take away from my world crumbling around me--- it is sufficient for me.

 

 

TimeHop

It was a great day, the Saturday after Thanksgiving day... football, the preparation of eating way more than I should in a week, colored leaves falling in the wind in the backyard of my parents new house... what else could a person ask for....


I woke up, 8:03 the alarm sounded. I went through  my normal morning ritual checking social media to make sure I hadn't missed anything in the past 8-12 hours depending on my phone's cooperation. Then the last thing to check before pulling the plush covers from my body, TimeHop... (for those of you who do not know this bittersweet jem of an application on your phone, it's an app that pulls up your social media from years past and tells you what you did a year ago... what you updated your status as, what pictures you posted on the bookFace, what pictures you uploaded on InstaGram, what tweets you sent and so on...)  Well, as I opened the app, full of excitement for the day of family filled chaos and football enthusiasm, I never expected what I saw.


It reminded me that a year ago, yes, just 365 days ago I was stuck on an island on the south east side of Texas away from my beautiful family as they joined together and took a few pictures with a man; a man that was unlike most men, set apart in my books.  These few pictures changed the direction of my day in more ways than one. The pictures that the social media 'time machine' showed me were pictures of my sweet father, his brother, and my hero (better known as my Papaw).  My day went from a happy-go-lucky feel, to a very real, in your face, reality check of reminding myself of what it was all about.
__________________________________________________________________________________

Thanksgiving was always a great time in my childhood; seeing family for the first time all year, hearing lessons on how to make the best dressing and mashed potatoes,  tossing a football around while we wait to be told where to sit, eating more than we should in a year, listening to the grown-ups talk about things we didn't understand, helping wash the dishes, eating every pie we could and washing them down with cookies or another dessert, then yelling at the tube when the football team wasn't playing the way we wanted to in a food-drunk stupor. That was Thanksgiving for 18 years in my book....

Then I went to college and started working in the hotel industry which neither take a day off for any family tradition.  I learned that being together as a family, either side, was a special thing.  Especially after starting working in the hotel industry and going to school at a place that the sacred game was held on Thanksgiving day.  Looking back,  I learned how amazing it was that my parents were able to pull off two amazing and grand Thanksgiving holidays with two sides of the family without passing out from a Turkey and Dressing coma, and not only that, I learned that somewhere along the line both sides of the family drifted apart in their own family Thanksgivings and the tables grew smaller over the years.


So as I woke up as a 25 year old in my parents made "Darby Treehouse" in their new home, I was simply thankful to look forward to a day filled with family-- whichever side they may be from and how ever many they may be, I was thankful to celebrate the holiday with people whom I loved. 

Then I was hit in the face.

A year ago that day I was busy working on an island I knew I was destine to leave shortly for a company who I knew I was going no where with, only to be missing out on the last Thanksgiving meal with the man whom helped shape the very woman I am today... my Papaw. 

I haven't been able to express in English, or any other language really, how much the loss of my Papaw has greatly effected me until today, and I cannot guarantee it will make much sense today, but I shall try. 

A year ago my Papaw was ready to go home, only if his love went before him.  He didn't want to leave her, from they day they met, until the day God called him home, the only thing that kept him fighting was the love of his life, my Grammie.  And a year ago today, I was too busy to make a point to be with him.  This man, whom I miss every day, whom I wish I could have one more day with, the man whom I had wrapped around my infant finger sat with his two sons and ate at a Mexican restaurant for Thanksgiving because it he liked it and, well, why not?!  But I wasn't there. 

You can spend a lifetime regretting not calling, not being there, or not saying things.... and I am experiencing that today.  But I also know that he is laughing at me every time I ask myself why I didn't call that time I wanted to say hi to him... you know why? Because he knew I loved him more than anything, and I knew he loved me... so to him, (I hope) it was okay.  But to me, this lesson that came with seeing his face on the morning I was looking forward to seeing family was the lesson of making sure I do not regret saying the things I want to and spending my time more wisely. 

My Papaw is one of my Heros.  He was a man that taught me more than these hands can type, loved like no one I know (other than his son, and I'm pretty sure he got that from his momma and daddy)... my Papaw went home in February.  A few short months after the first Christmas I had off in years and spent with him (which I will cherish until I see him again), but years after I had not called when I felt like saying hi because I was ' too busy' or ' too scared I'd cry because I couldn't go visit like he would ask me to'....

All of that to say, I pray to my sweet Savior that I am reminded every day like I was reminded on this year to never, ever believe that I will have time later to spend time sitting next to someone I love and just enjoying their company.  Papaw wasn't the best entertainer, honestly, sometimes he bored me with his theory and his subject preference, but what I wouldn't give to be bored by his talking one more time.   I pray that from this year forward I am never too busy to be bored by the voice of those I love and embrace every moment I have while they are here with us.  Sadly, heaven doesn't have visiting hours, so I can't ever have those moments with my beloved Papaw until I am Home with him, but I know as I write this he is laughing at the idea that I miss him because he has way too many stories to tell on me.  

Each day is a blessing, each memory we have with those we love is something to be thankful for whether it be Thanksgiving or not. After all, we never know what a year will hold-- or won't. 

My Identity Crisis

The lessons I am learning right now seem to be very centered around God wanting to make sure that I am aware of His Grace, His plan, and His power. 

(not much different than any other time in my life, but... I digress)

In December of last year I moved to Austin after completing my degree (finally! WHOOP) and started a whole new, scary, independent chapter in my life.  The last chapter was not a fun one, and to turn the page on it was one of most freeing and most scary pages I had ever turned because it was the beginning to a chapter focused on nothing other than Darby herself.  No other main character, just myself and a Big God.

It started off great, like any new chapter.  Everything new, everything exciting.  The last chapter was sealed as far away as I could get it in order to focus my energy on the new one.  But as life works, and the newness fades and the challenge then becomes finding the plot to this part of my life: the meaning.   As I worked longer and harder than I ever had before in my life to advance my career I had dreamt of and worked for since I was a young college student, I was challenged with the Lord asking me to look inside myself.  This is something some may find very easy to do, but not for me.  For looking in myself and at myself meant looking at the pain of the past, seeing it's scars, and probably the scariest of it all; looking inward at myself meant I could not focus on my work to distract me any more. 

As I am discovering, I was relieved from that job and career path for many reasons-- many positive reasons-- including my Jealous God's love for my soul and longing for me to see Him in all that had happened, was happening, and will happen.   When I had nothing else, He desperately wanted to get my attention and show me many things that He had been trying to tell me but  my focus, my desires, my ideas of what I wanted and thought I should have were all getting in the way.  
....Granted, I wish this process could have been a bit easier, but I am a stubborn individual whom has a history of only truly learning and hearing in the most painful of circumstances....

I allowed myself one day of being bitter and angry about losing my job, and that was a very dark day.  But after that, I started asking God what He wanted now...
   "Why did You let me go for so long, struggling for this career that was going no where?"
   "What do I do now, my passion was hotels?"
   "What is wrong with my passion?"
   "What do You want me to do?"
   "Where did I go wrong, I thought You lead me here"
   "Am I a failure?"

I truly had no idea who I was at my core.

Over and over again I questioned... and over and over again He just said "I've got you" , "Trust Me".  Quietly in my broken heart He would whisper to me, constantly He told me "trust me" in the stillness and when I was screaming for an answer. I would hear Him, but I wouldn't understand it because all I could see was fear.

I spent so much time trying to figure out the answers, even while I was asking Him for an answer, by looking at all the things I had failed at in my eyes and trying to blame myself---- I was not listening.

Then He started to grab my attention by blessing me in scary moments, over and over again. 

And I started slowly hearing him say "Trust Me, for I AM", my heart started hearing Him, but not just hearing, LISTENING.

Now, I don't say this to say there was a never another moment that I was afraid, faithless, or doubtful.... but in those moments it was easier to pull my head out of my butt and remember what I had heard in my heart to be TRUE.

I went to church with my parents on my birthday weekend, broken and full of fear in my heart for my future but on the outside telling everyone what they wanted to hear in that situation "I have faith it will be okay".  And man, did the Jealous God of my heart show up that day.  He stopped whispering and shouted to me His promise that my identity was not found in my job status but in Christ alone. 

The identity of being a 'hotelier'  a 'manager' was something I had focused so much on, much like I had attempted to be identified by being a 'girlfriend' for so long.  That identity had become so much a part of me I had let it cover up the etching of "His Child" on my soul and pretty much tried to stick a tacky name tag over it to make myself feel better with so many different names written on it that it was too full to write anything else on. 

That Sunday morning, He ripped that piece of sticky, torn up, name tag I and the world had created for myself straight off of my heart and revealed (once again) the identity I had clung onto so dearly---- HIS.  Child of the King.


As I sat and listened to Derwin Gray preach about being adopted by a Heavenly Father sitting next to my earthly father, they both were nudging me... "Listen Darby, Listen how loved, beautiful, cherished and special you are." 
Something I had not believed of myself in a while, especially not after losing my job.
And something I so desperately needed to hear.

So as I write today, I write with a heart no longer afraid of what life has in store.  I come authentically saying that I believe Him when He promises a life of hope, and I pray I never again place a sticky name tag over His name again. 

I am broken in a beautiful mess right now as I am allowing God to put things back in place in my heart and ultimately in my life. For in this chapter, in all of my chapters and all of them to come--- I am His. I long for His will in my life because there is no other way I want to go.  I am done trying to 'talk Him into' thinking this was the way, but instead, I am so ready to let him lead me with each step (currently baby steps, hopefully growing in faith as I walk).

"You have calmed greater waters

Higher Mountains have come down"

2013: 365 Days of LIFE

One year is comprised of 12 months, 52 weeks, and 365 days... but there is so much more than days that make a year. 

2013 was 365 days of life for me; the life lived not simply because I was here on this earth breathing and going through the motions of my body maintaining efforts to stay physically alive, but the life lived that completely changes a person.

Each year I feel like the year before was one of "those" years in my life where I consistently found the wrong way to the destination I was seeking, or found 'all the bumps in the road' that I could.  And I don't deny that each year I pretty much have, but I do know for certain that this past 365 days completely encompassed every up, down, and in-between I think a human being possibly could within themselves and during the course of one year I have not only just found the bumps, valleys, mountain tops, and some bumpy creek beds; but I embraced myself at the end of it.

When I hear the word 'life', I think of running through hay fields, driving down dirt roads windows down with my favorite music blaring and singing along at the top of my lungs, dancing until I'm drenched in sweat and out of breath but still not leaving the dance floor, laughing with friends so hard the moment is literally etched in my memory... those happy life moments where all is good in the world.  But the reality of it is that life has many different scenes, and yet even when life shows up as being the exact opposite of the life I imagine when I think about it... it is still indeed my LIFE, and a very vital part of the masterpiece the Creator sees in me.

Over the past 365 days I have truly found who I am deep down inside of me, the raw-when nothing else is left but me in this room-me.  I found that there is a thing called joy that is not synonymous with happiness and could be found even in the most gut wrenching, heart aching, angry at God moments because joy is rooted in something so much bigger than that moment. I also embraced joy and happiness together many of times in the presence of friends or family, and sometimes just alone in those moments where everything made sense in the hurricane of my life. 

The difference in the life of 2013 and any other year is who I am at day 365.
 More so, who I am at day 8577 on my journey.

The woman I am today is a woman I would not have become if I did not experience all the life that I did this year, and a woman who can look you in the eyes and finally say I am proud of who I am.

Just for fun, let's look back on the past month, four weeks, 31 days of life--
In the past four weeks alone, I have:

• Said goodbye to a relationship and man I invested in greatly to choose myself over love
• Packed up all of my belongings and sent them back home with my sweet parents
• Quit a job that drained me in every way and taught me the ways not to run a business
• Obtained a job at my dream company in a new city
• Completed all of my requirements to graduate from college
• Turned my Aggie Ring to face the world 
• Saw a diploma with my name on it from Texas A&M University after 6.5 long years and then showed my family
• With my car loaded with clothes and things to live off of in a hotel, drove to Austin and started my new job

Just those 31 days are still quite a bit to process, much less the whole year because it pretty much was like that the whole year: no simple version of life was being played but instead it decided to make a beautiful harmonizing effect with numerous versions of life coming together as one to create a version of life just for me. The complexity and sometimes uncomprehending nature of life makes it that much more bitter sweet when you finally take a moment to see how you as a person grew and learned from it. Sure, I have a lot more of life to see, but I hope that I do not see such an collaboration of life packed into 365 days again.

Because today I stand before you proud to say I made it.... I MADE IT! 
I made it through a year of finding out what I wanted in life and what it may take to get there, Who was going to show me where to go, owning where I have been, standing up for myself to protect the precious promises He has for me, and  I made it through because He wasn't ready for me to give up...I MADE IT!

To get back to the point, this past year it is hard for me to remember specific dates or times but I remember all the life I lived within them.  The life that I pray I never have to see again, and the life that makes it all worth it... all of the memories, the moments, the tears and the laughter, I am thankful for that life I lived because if it were not for each of those moments individually I would not be who I am collectively today.  I pray that throughout the course of this next year I remember to embrace each moment a little tighter so that in 365 days from now I am twice as strong, wise, and blessed as I am today (just maybe without all the scars from turning the wrong way a few times ;) ).

Here's to a New Year.

 A New Beginning. 

But most importantly, here's to us all MAKING IT through the last 365 days of LIFE.

Bob: the Pancreas that Could

As some of you know, I have a chronic condition that seems to be very tricky. My pancreas, Bob, decided years ago, maybe even at birth, that he would be a 'thorn in my side'... and quite literally at that. I have struggled since my diagnosis when I was 19; struggled with how to live my life without feeling diseased, struggled how to deal with the pain and side effects of such a condition, struggled with communicating to my loved ones about my body, struggled with paying for the hospital visits and medication... ect.

This week I have been dealing with a doozie of an attack.  After a few days, lots of pain, and being able to time my rushes to the bathroom after any attempt to eat food,  I decided to go ahead and head to the hospital to see if they could give me some relief.

(( let me just take a second and explain to you why this was decision was delayed as well as heavily avoided.  For the past year or so, each time I had gone to the hospital or any medical facility in hopes for some relief, I rarely received such things due to the fact that my pancreatic enzyme levels were always normal by the time I made it in to the hospital, which is the indicator of an acute pancreatic attack. And therefore when I come in and explain to them I am having all the symptoms of an attack, yet the tests say otherwise, doctors do their duty and say that I am not having an attack and send me along... which I understand, in their shoes. But in mine, it has become quite frustrating and the main reason why I even hesitate to go in at all. Also, most of the times I have gone to the hospital in the past year or so, I have done so alone, or with a friend out of duty or pity, which sometimes makes it feel even worse... and when I am in pain, sick to my stomach, and my body is weak, it's no fun to be alone on top of that... Plus, hospitals are not the most comforting places in the world..))

So after a very tearful decision to let the love of my life and best friend take care of  me the best he knew how by taking me to people who have better tools to help heal me than he does, we were finally on the way to the hospital.

We went through the normal procedures, got a room, and started getting things going. When the phlebotomist came to take my blood, I went into my normal routine of closing my eyes, squeezing my thigh with my other hand, and taking a few deep breaths... then a hand grabbed mine...  I wasn't alone. For the first time in a while, I was truly not alone in facing one of the hardest struggles I have had over the years. And not only was I not physically alone, I could tell I was not alone in my fight anymore emotionally. Clint was right there with me body, heart, and mind.  It was beautiful.

As the time progressed, the drugs ran through my veins, and we waited for the doctor to come back to tell us what was going on, I didn't feel the way I normally did... I was in pain, yes, I was uncomfortable from the medicine, yes, I was tired emotionally and physically, yes, but I felt like there was hope this time around.  And hope there was!

The doctor came back in, told me forthright that my pancreatic levels were fine. Almost immediately my heart sank and I felt the tears and anger rising up... Clint had my hand and squeezed back just as hard. I expected the doctor to just go through the normal speech of  telling me he didn't know why I was having abdominal pains and that he would give me some medicine to help ease the pain and calm my stomach... yet instead, the doctor just paused and used the magical word "BUT" ...

He went on to let me know they discovered I had an infection and that they were giving me some antibiotics to help treat it... so he was glad I came in because it was pretty bad.
I finally spoke up and asked the doctor straight up, with as much frustration as the morphine would let me express, why would I have so much pain and the exact symptoms of a pancreatic attack when everything was fine....

The doctor was so gentle with his explaination, an explaination that seemed to just put everything right in my mind.... He told me that my pancreas was probably so damaged that it acted sorta like 'arthritis of the gut'. He went on to say that I probably had experienced a pancreatic episode earlier in the week, and then my pancreas just continued to be flared up because of the infection.

It all finally made sense to me, and after a few days of thought, I can honestly say that I have no more anger towards my body.

The way I see it--- it's a beautiful thing.

In my weakness, my sickness, and my pain--- I was not alone at all.  Clint had been right there from the first moment I felt bad and has not left my side.... not in the same way other friends have been, but in the way that I truly believed he was in the fight with me. I never have experienced that before and it is probably the most comforting thing, outside of wishing he never had to, I have felt during my struggle with my health.  I realized for once that I was not the only one that was hurting; maybe I was the only one feeling the physical side of it, but he, my family, and some close friends, hurt with me when I hurt... they are frustrated as I am when we don't have a solution to fix me, and they are tired of me not being at 100% with me because they don't like it as much as I don't like it.

It's a blessing within this curse of mine.

It's a blessing that Bob not only has his own issues, but when my body is fighting against something, Bob feels it too-- it's messed up when you really think about it, yet it's kinda endearing.  Although my pancreas is damaged without having to deal with anything else, it still feels the pain and struggle of other parts of my body.

The body is a mysterious thing, one I will never understand and am completely okay with that. But I do feel comforted in knowing the reason why I have hurt all the times when my 'levels are fine'.  And most of all, I feel comforted and confident that I will never face it alone, and that none of my pain is carried by myself fully, but partly by my partner in life and best friend...

Despite the increased medical bills and missed work... I am very thankful that this little episode happened and the doctor that treated me was there to help make a little more sense of my crazy world.

Over a month and still no dress pants....

Wake up at 6:00 am.

Get out of bed. 

Put shorts and shirt on. 

Brush teeth. 

Pull back hair and put hat on. 

Put shoes on. 

Walk out the door. 

And arrive at the best job ever.... baking, cooking, and running a coffee shop. 

Wait.

Yes. You read that right... a coffee shop.

It's been over a month, and still no dress clothes, rarely any make up, and rarely a real bra.... and it's heavenly.  For months I knew what I needed to do in order to be successful at school, but I hesitated just long enough to trust God in the right moment to provide me with the biggest blessing in my life right now: a positive work environment without stress and full of encouragement.

I had always been one to be afraid of change, to take it with a grain of salt (and maybe some tequila)... change gave me the heebee-geebee's. Rarely anything good came out of it without lots of scars to show for it... so when I knew there had to be a change in my life, especially work wise,  I couldn't muster up the guts to do anything about it for the longest time.  Then, a week before school started, this door opened up and within 2 days,  I had accomplished making a positive change in my life without any battle scars to prove it.  Just that alone--- the fact that I took the leap and landed safely would have been enough, and will always be a reminder of how change isn't always bad or painful... but the good Lord and his blessings don't stop there my friends.

Within the first 6 weeks of school I have experienced making an A in a class I had failed miserably before, teaching others and watching them succeed, having peers look to ME for answers, realizing that all my work experiences pay off in school because I know what the teacher is telling my peers to 'look forward to' because I have already experienced it, and lastly, not worried one moment about my job while I'm at school.... It's just amazing.

I guess I could say the best thing, aside from the surprise that change has a positive side, would be seeing the faces of my friends when I told them I quit, then the same people coming to me a few weeks ago and telling me how much happier I am...

It's true.  I am truly more happy than I have ever been in my life. I finally feel like all the wheels are turning the the right direction and working together, instead of a constant struggle just to move SOMEWHERE.  I have a great job that words cannot explain how thankful I am for every day, I have a great school I get the opportunity to be back at and have a second chance with, I have an amazing boyfriend (Clint) who... well if you could see my smile right now you'd know there are no words,  I have an amazing supportive family who I believe finally see the old Darby coming back to life... and most of all, I have a great Hope that gives me peace and lets me look forward to the many more great things to come in life.

Holes: Well or Vacuum

It has occurred to me often lately that I have been not only blessed by my scars, but taught new lessons by them.

A dear friend of mine when speaking of a recent break-up said "it just feels like there is a hole in me where he was...". It broke my heart to hear her say that because I knew that pain all to familiar. It is a pain that I had no quick bandaid for, no quick solution that would ease her pain... Really, I had nothing that would ease her pain. The only thing I had to tell her was what I had learned through my heartaches, and that was not going to help her pain,in fact, it would probably stab the shards of her broken heart a little deeper... But what I had to tell her was the truth, something I wish more people had told me...
I'm just a horrible friend, huh? I was sitting there willing to hurt my friend more simply to try to let her know a lesson I learned from months of heartache... Not out of selfish ambition, but because I was praying she would hear it one day down the road, when the tears were dry, and she could clearly understand what I was saying.

The fact is, and the truth I told my friend, is that the hole a relationship leaves behind is never one that can or will be filled again... It will always be there. What we have to understand and try to avoid when we try to fill that void, we lose the preciousness that the relationship once was, and we also cause ourselves so much more pain because nothing will ever replace it. Things may come along that make that hole so small it is but a mere pore on the skin, irrelevant and minuscule. But never will something replace that hole.

This isn't something that is too comforting when all you see and feel is a gaping hole in your heart that person left you with, but eventually it is a beautiful lesson to understand about ourselves.
So many times we search for things to replace old relationship, we search for means to cover the hole only to have the flood gates roll through in the first storm. In my journey, I have learned that I must live with the holes for they stand for lessons to be learned, beautiful parts of me that came from them.
Every single relationship leaves a mark on us, some are but dents in our canvas, others, when they leave, initiate a grief and pain from the hemmoraging loss of love it makes us feel like the hole is our whole--- but it is not!
For me, my soul is in the hands of a gracious God who loves me and fills me... But in those moments where the absence of the relationship have overwhelmed me, I felt just as scared and alone as my dear friend did recently.
I never thought I would look from the point of view I do today and be thankful for the hole I see in me from lost love. I have grown to be bigger than that hole and have learned about who I am from all those days I spent questioning the vacancy. Eventually my friend will understand what I said, and she too will be able to see that nothing will replace that love she had, but something may come along that will enlarge your heart so much that it will make the hole seem not so scary, and more like a well of memories she can pull from instead of an empty vacuum.

I'm so thankful that I have grown in love, on my own, and with the help of some special people. I, now, today, can look at my whole heart and be thankful for the vacancies for they gave room for growth and showed my heart what strength it had.

No Monsters

When faced with frustrating situations, we all have a few options of how to handle it... especially when it comes to making a choice that will greatly impact most every part of your life.

Lately, I have been experiencing a few frustrations within myself, my workplace, and people around me.  Being a redhead, it's very easy for me to get overly emotional at the time of frustration and have a fit, only to calm down later and realize the situation is not so bad.

Today was a little bit of that.

I have a huge decision to make soon, one that I know will be something I do not regret, one that will expand opportunities for my future, and one that will ultimately shape the outcome of my career.  I have always been one that once I set my mind to do something, I go after it like a freight train and get it done, nothing stops me.  I am one determined individual when I set my mind to things, and this is one thing I have set my mind to... but like many choices in life, deciding one thing comes with about twenty more side decisions that you don't always see at first.

When facing a issue today, I wanted to be the kind of person who just threw it all up in the air and ran towards my goal without thinking about anything but what I wanted to do... althought this seemed nice, the other side of my brain was screaming with fear and questions.

I have so many people telling me how "strong" I am, how "determined" I am, how "fearless" I am... well in that moment, I was a scared little girl who could barely move from her office chair in fear of making the wrong choice.  I couldn't explain why I was so scared, I couldn't explain why I wasn't being that "determined  and fearless" woman people know me as other than I was afraid.

Fear is one of the biggest obstacles I face in life.

No, not fear of spiders or of the dark... but fear of failing, making the wrong choice, and letting others down.

During this decision in my life to set forth and complete my goal, there are times I am in fear of it not working out, money not stretching thin enough, not getting the GPA I want, not getting that dream job when I graduate that everyone says is waiting for me to get that degree...

Fear freezes me when otherwise I would be at a dead sprint ahead.

In the midst of this 'episode' this morning, I called two men in my life that I trust- that know me- and that have experienced a life a little longer than I have... and wouldn't you  know, they both told me the same thing...
1) Quit being afraid, that isn't who you are 
   
2) You deserve better than what you have right now, so you need to make the choice to get better. And you never have failed at anything you have set out to do, so just do it. Don't sit there and pout- DO SOMETHING.


3) The world is not full of people like you, it's unfair, unloving, dishonest, and cruel... you have to stop taking it personal when people are people and act like they are in middle school. 


4) You have one year. Then you have the world, so be you... be determined, be strong, and get it done. 


When the first person told me all these things, I got upset because they weren't understanding my frustration... then the second person told me the same thing and I began to realize that these people around me love me, want to see me succeed, and believe in me... why don't I? 


So here I am, about to take the leap... determined, proud, excited, nervous... but I will not fear anymore. Not only because I have a God that has me in the palm of His hands, but I have those around me that believe in me sometimes more than I believe in myself, so I know I can do this.  


I am thankful for the fear because it has taught me to be strong. It's like when a kid finally gets the nerves to look under their bed when they think there is a monster... the scariest moment in their life, only to find there is no monster... 


So for now, there are no monsters. I looked, I had others look with me and confirmed the truth : there is nothing to be afraid of. 

That Child...

So, we all know that every family has that "strong willed one", the one that marches to their own drum from time to time, the one that the parents pray a little harder for, and the one that always makes them wonder how windy of a day was it when they came into this world...

I am without a doubt "that" child. Yes , there are parts of me that are undeniably straight from the blood line... Then there are parts that make even my parents wonder where it came from and if maybe I was switched at birth.

I know I'm not the perfect child, I know I come with warning signs (if my red head wasn't enough), I know I have made my questions wonder what they did so bad in their life to get punished with such a strong willed child.

And as any black sheep of the family would tell you, the herd only makes them stand out a little more when they do succeed. I know my family is there, even if it means they are there to shake their head at me and offer me a strong word of advise. And there are times in every stubborn child's life that they do their best to make things right, to make their family proud... And even then sometimes they don't succeed in all the ways someone may have prayed for, but maybe their coat isn't a black as before... Maybe it's just a shade of gray.

The thing is, I know I haven't always been a poster child. I know the life I live and choose for myself isn't always one that my mom wants to boast about at moms prayer group every month... But I pray that there are some things that they can see I try to do not only for my personal being, but to make them proud that even though I don't learn the easy way or take the smoother path... I am doing my best to show them that I am not 100% wrong.

As of today, I am more myself than I have ever truly felt. I am honest with those around me, even if it's not something they want to hear. I have learned I cannot live for others praises but for my own path I feel led to walk to take me where promises are sure to come through. I have been through some ugly things, 99% of them being of consequence to my own stubborn choices, but I am thankful for each and every thing I survived. Some people may think that if I was to go back and have a chance to take the "easier" route that there wouldn't be a second thought... But I'm not so sure if that's the case. I am who I am today, the mix of scars and freckles because of each moment I have lived. I have a passion to pursue things that I once didn't because I know what it's like to have a gift taken away. I love with every ounce of me, not to try to get the loves I had lost back, but to never miss a happy moment for I know what its like when they are gone. I make choices and I don't regret them because I know what it's like to be unsure and miss opportunities. I have a faith that is grounded on a personal relationship with the God who created this earth not for the sake of looking pretty in church, but because I know how empty life is without that relationship.

See, the strong willed child in everyone's life is in fact strong willed, but not just for making their families life miserable, but for also being strong willed to overcome all they did and prove that their stubbornness isn't all bad.

Click the "Play Button" to play a song that I feel describes me in this situation: Windy Day by Jamie Richards
Windy Day

Lean on Me

So you ask me why all of my friends call me and lay out all their troubles on me?
You ask why do they always run to me when there is a problem?
You ask why I carry their burden with them when it has nothing to do with me....

Well, I know I don't have to.  I sometimes really don't want to... but I know that they wouldn't call if they didn't need someone to talk to, someone to just listen, or someone to make them smile.  And the cool thing is, that 99% of the time, that person finds a happy place again and 99% of the time I get to see them when they do and rejoice in their victory like no one else because I saw them in the war.

I guess the thing is, I want to be there for people... when they are at their lowest and on the top of their mountains.  Not because I get any trophy from the deal, but because I get to love them and share the joy of their success. Being there and listening to someone is the easy part, it's the part of staying by their side and lifting them up that is hard.  But who  better of a person than I, someone who has been up and down many a times and  can say "look at me now".   I know the pain of heart ache, I feel it when they hurt.  I know the pain of loneliness, I know the pain of failure, I know the feelings associated with fear.... and I know the only thing that will help any of that is knowing you are not alone-- not only can I be there and love on them, but I can give them hope that we have a God that loves us and knows what we need... that even in this time of anger and pain, He is at work preparing something bigger and better than we ever imagined.

Lately, I've gotten quite a bit of phone calls. I have shed a few tears for my friends.  I carry burdens with them to help lighten their load.
Not one of those things do I regret, do I question within myself, nor do I wonder if it was worth it.

My heart is open, my heart is big, and my heart is eager to love when someone is in need.

I'm blessed for the phone calls. I consider myself blessed to carry these loads along side those I love, because I know in the end, they will achieve great things, love wildly, and dance with passion... they just needed a little help to get there.

After all, one of my favorite songs in the world "Lean on Me", isn't just some goofy friendship song... if you take it and put the words into action in your life, you will reap so many blessings by simply putting a friend first every once in a while, being there for someone, and loving your angels that surround you.

Moments

Think about a time in your life, a moment really, that completely altered your life....

... The moment you realize the truth and reality of Jesus
... The first time you talk to your grandparents and truly hear them
... The first time you hear your parents say they are proud of you and it sinks in
... Your first love
... The first concert you see
... Meeting your favorite artist and feeling like a kid
... The first time your heart breaks because of a friend
... The moment when you are surrounded by friends and almost cry because the rush of love surrounds you like a flood and you realize every moment that led to this one was worth it
... The moment you tell someone you love them after weeks of holding it in
... Having someone tell you what you should do and actually listening

Our lives are made up of those kinda moments. We dont always realize that they alter the path you walk on, but when you do those moments stay in a special place in your heart.

Lately I've had an abundance of these moments and just want to soak it all in. I want to make sure I never forget the way I felt in each of those moments so that I do not stray from directions those moments have pushed me.
I am so blessed in my life right now.
I never knew things could have such a mix of good and bad while still being so overwhelmingly beautiful.

I guess I just want to remind all of us that we have moments we should never forget, good and bad, and we should never forget the way we felt in that moment so that we not only can be thankful for it each day, but so we continue to grow from it.

Close call

Ever have a moment where it feels exactly like one of the worst moments in your life, so you prepare for all of hell to break loose, the fit to hit the shan, and the good feeling pretty much goes down the drain and away forever?

Yeah. 

Those moments suck. 

But there are always two ways to turn, surprisingly, it doesn't always have to end up in disaster. 

The lesson here in life is the fact that sometimes you will run into times that feel like the 'way it use to be', but just because that feeling happens does not mean that the end outcome is going to be like the past.  People are different and no matter how much we as humans class everyone to be the same deep down, some people surprise you. 

I've been surprised a lot by people, a certain person in particular. Then something happened and I put that person right back in the pit of 'all the rest of them'... and then something better happened... they proved that despite being a human and genetically in the "pit of all the rest of them"... and he had redeeming qualities that allowed me to be able to trust that goodness that I had been encompassed in by his presence in my life. 

Not only did a relationship grow deeper, but my belief in the goodness in people was, for once, not shoved into the ground and spat on. 

The past does have a tendency to repeat itself if you never change the pattern you walk in.. then the past still can creep up on you, but you have the courage to make a change somewhere along the way in you... sometimes the past can rise up to teach you a lesson about yourself and help the future blossom.  

BAM

You ever have someone say something to you that it felt like they were slapping you in the face? Not in a insulting way, but in a way that should have been done long before that moment to get your thinking straight. The kind of slap in the face that mostly feels like the cold splash of water on your face when your body is trying to sleep but you need to get up and get moving; uncomfortable yet necessary.

You ever get that slap from someone you are trying to tell your "problems" to someone that you feel like you have the right to tell because you've been through a lot and have dealt with a lot, then they look at you and tell you things they are dealing with... SLAP.  Bing. Bang. Boom. They make you feel like a queen in their third world country that you just pranced in complaining about the weather when they are there drenched in sweat with a smile on their face and wanting to serve you.... SLAP.

So how does that slap become refreshing?
Everyone needs a wake up call in the midst of self pity. 

"Much worse things have happened to much better people"

All of this to say, I am thankful for the slaps in the face I got last night from a guy who no matter his dispositions he has faced and is facing has made me smile every single day I have been around him... There are people that come into our lives and bless us in ways that we never had on our radar.

I have a group of those blessings all around me constantly.  I am blessed beyond belief. I have the strength to face tomorrow's battles because all that happened yesterday is done and there isn't a thing I can do about it.  I am blessed by each individual in my life, whether they are a stranger I get my lunch from, or the friends I have that will last a lifetime. . . they each have a reason for being put there at a particular moment. 

Some issues I have faced lately have taken me pretty low, but the coolest thing in the world is whenever I got over myself to look up... they were all there with smiles and hands reaching out to help me up.
 I literally felt like an avalanche of love and friendship has come over me to crush all the scars and welps from my past, from my mistakes, and from my stupidity. Not to mention the encouragment they give me every day by simply giving me reasons to laugh and smile.

I have been blessed.  I have been pretty happy in the last few months... but right now, happy doesn't cover it.  The raging SLAP in the face I needed woke me up to the rush of true joy I have and was burying under my frustrations and self pity. 

So to those of you who are in my life, thank you.  I love you so much.   I love you for being by my side when I was an idiot, I love you for being by my side when I was celebrating victories from not being stupid.  I love you for making me smile, whether it be every day, or the moments I get to see you, or for when you don't even know it when I think of you...  I love you for making me laugh, because laughing is my favorite and cures everything.  I love you for sitting next to me when I was upset, and I love for slapping me when I needed to get off my ass and get moving.  I love you for loving me in each of your special ways that you love me.   I love you, and where ever you may be today, tomorrow, or in 10 years, I will always love you.  You are a beautiful part of my life, big or small, it's all the same.  You make up this smile on my face.



So from this point forward, the little things will eclipse the stupid things my brain is telling me are big and problematic.  It's the little things that make this life beauitful, the things you don't expect...

The Make Up of an Life of Adventures

I've realized that I am a very interesting person.

Yes, I said it.

Interesting as in if I had put paint on my shoes from the day I was born and looked on the map where I have been, it would be the most crazy jig-jag path you've ever scene.

This whole thing comes from the other day when I was home, Ma had bought me this new cute spring dress that I can wear with my new boots. So on Sunday, I wore the dress with my beautiful Old Gringo boots and fit the part of a true Dixie Queen. That dress and those boots fit perfect with who I am today...

So at lunch Ma asks the grand ole question...

"Darby, if I would have told you five years ago that you would be sitting at lunch in cowboy boots and a dress you would have laughed in my face, wouldn't you?"

I laughed it off and said that I wouldn't have laughed, that I've always had this country girl in me... because truthfully I have, but she was probably right.

Five years ago I was a very different person, yeah I still went to the rodeo's at home, yes I still listened to some country now and then... I mean I grew up in East Texas... but I was not who I am now.

Who I am now is some crazy red headed girl who poses as a grown up sometimes, who has been through hell a few times but made it through. I am in love with anything that stands for Texas and country, except tu. Who I am is not defined by the bad choices I've made, or even the good ones, it's the lessons I learned through them that make up the Darby I know today.

It makes me laugh to think of all the parts of me that make up my whole being. There are days where I can pull of the young professional without a hitch, have people think I'm 6 years older than I am, shake hands with people that make more than I do in one hour, dress up to go to socials with the professionals, drink wine with my pinky out and love every second... but then the moment I get home, I put my boots on my feet, put on my torn up and worn in jeans with my tshirt, blast my newest favorite hidden music treasure and make a mean meal. I live in two worlds seamlessly at times. Sometimes, I get to work at 8 am go through my day, answer the phones, walk around in my high heels then when leaving time comes I put my jeans and boots on, walk out the door and right into the venue of the night for one of my favorite times on earth: live music and dancing.

Thinking about all of this just brings the biggest smile to my face. I love it. I would have never imagined I would be who I am today, so diverse yet so simple when you get down to the roots. After all, aren't we always pretty simple at our roots, its our flowers and limbs that give us the ability to reach so far into different worlds.

People sometimes bore me that are so stuck in their own ways that they have been in for years, listening to the same song, eating the same foods, driving the same way home... where is the adventure in that?

After a few years here at this beautiful place and a year of being a bit boring myself, I had an experience that has altered my life: an adventure.

I decided to let myself always try something new, to let go of my 'how to' book and just go with things.

Part of this started on a drive to my hometown... I just decided to take the backroads, get lost a little, find a new way home... and it was beautiful. I saw parts of this place (now my home) that I fell in love with... I started just listening to different music, new artists, some good some bad. I made up a rule for myself about food: always try something new, and if I had tried a food before and not liked it, every year I had to try it again to see if maybe I could enjoy it.

Then I had mentioned to a friend that I was not much of a beer drinker... he gasped, then gave me a big grin and said that he was going to help me enjoy beer. I tried desperately to explain to him that even the smell of it made me gag because when I was younger my brother and I would pick up the aluminum cans around town, well one place served beer in a can... just imagine that sitting in a trash can for a week or so= NASTY!! Well, he gave me a method to try beer so that I would enjoy it.... and as most of you know, it worked.

You never really know what you can like if you give it a chance, you never know who you will become if you don't try to just live to the fullest and experience all life can give you. . . The person I am today, the people I love in my life, the things I love in life, even the things that I loved and loss, the crappy experiences, the painful tears... they all came through adventures I decided to go on one day and now make up my everything that makes me who I am.

So, Ma, you're right, five years ago I would have never guessed I would have been sitting at lunch with you in boots and a dress, but I would never would have guessed I would have ever be where I am and so happy with who I am today. I am full of a whole bunch of different things that add up to who I am... I am who I am. In the words of a dear friend

" if Darby was a painting, she would be a Jackson Pollock. Majestic colors, amazing motion, no two inches the same and all in all awesome."