Running

I'm just running.
I love running--- physically. It is such a rewarding experience; to push yourself to go as hard as you can, to feel your body fight, to see the distance you travel, to feel the burn.....

But what about the emotional marathon?

The run that you have no clue where you are going, the familiar burn that comes in your heart instead of your muscles... The freedom of running but the pain of the unknown. Running.

I once had a close friend tell me that I'm just a horse pinned up with the gate open letting me' have the choice to run, but I stayed where it was safe and familiar: in the pen.
I feel like I found the wide open gate and haven't stopped sprinting away for a month or so. . .
But now, I am slowing down. I'm not knowing where i am. My body, my heart burns from the sprint into the unknown. I ache from the adventure and long for the comfort of knowing where i am.
But I keep running for fear of when I stop, I really will have no idea. Sure there has been beautiful scenery along the way, but it all flew by me because I'm running so fast.

Maybe it is my broken heart or broken spirit pushing me to keep running, maybe I'll find a new "pen" for my soul. I don't know, I just know I can't keep running like this for much longer. I mean, there has to be a fence or a wall somewhere!

A note I found....

I found this note today when I was going through my desk at work...

Love Me

.... In all you do

.... in all you are

... even in anger

... and in laughter

Love me.

Don't hurt me anymore with excuses and those perfectly arranged words...

Love me.

Love me with your whole being.

Love me with respect for me and our relationship.

Love me and stand up for me.

Love me without your pride.

Raw.

Un-edited. Un-rehearsed.

Love me.

Love all of me.

... my good and my bad.

... my happy, my sad.

...my tenderness and roughness

.... my family and my friends

... my body AND my soul.

Love me.

Don't we all plead to be loved like this...

... and even as we plead, Jesus stands there softly whispering

"I do, I always have, and I always will. Just love me"

I'm still a dreamer...

"The Redeemer"

by Sanctus Real

Sometimes I just want to start over, 'cause everything looks like a wreck
And I need the courage to carry on, 'cause I can't see what's ahead
And there are places I've wished I could be, battles I've wanted to win
Dreams that have slipped through my hands
I may never get back again

But I'm still a dreamer, a believer
Oh, I've lost my faith in so many things, but I still believe in You
'Cause You can make anything new

Sometimes I just wish we could say all the things that are easy to hear
Ignore the injustice we see and explain every unanswered prayer
But I'd rather speak honestly and wear a tattered heart on my sleeve
'Cause in the middle of my broken dreams, redemption is here

And I'm still a dreamer, a believer
Oh, I've lost my faith in so many things, but I still believe in You
'Cause You are the answer, the redeemer
Oh, I've given up on too many things, but I'm not giving up on You
'Cause You can make anything new

I don't have every answer in life
But I'm trusting You one day at a time
'Cause You can make a weak heart stay alive forever
this is where Heaven and Earth collide
I lift my hands and give my life
This is how my weary heart stays alive

Oh, I'm still a dreamer (This is where heaven and earth collide)
(I lift my hands and give my life)
Still a believer (This is how my weary heart stays alive)
Oh, You are the answer (Oh, this is where Heaven and Earth collide)
(I lift my voice and give my life)
The redeemer (This is how my weary heart stays alive, oh)

'Cause You can make anything new
Yeah, You can make anything new

Symptoms and side effects

I sit here and ask God why, like He did something wrong.
I sit here and cry. I sit here and wonder what my life will be like going on knowing I gave my heart to something that took it for granted then let it back in only to do it again with vengeance.
I am not weak.... But I am broken. I saw a quote today that gave me peace : a heartache just means love was there.
It is so true. My heart just aches, worse than before. It's no longer angry or bitter, but just in pain. . . Pain from love.

Yes. I smile. Yes I get through my days. Yes, I don't weep when someone asks me' how I am.... Because I am strong enough to understand I didn't deserve this, but it is the cards that were dealt to me when i trusted someone to love me back with all the passion that they could muster.

I sit and ask God why, not because I think He did this to me, or that it's His fault.... I ask him why someone can love another so much only to be brought to this place...

Tough love, right. Loving someone from a distance, watching them 'pay' for their actions..... It's harder than you may think. It may be the hardest kind of love to give. Why? Well what I am finding out is when you love the tough love way, all they can do is blame you... All they are is angry with you. It makes no sense because all I am doing is loving him enough to say 'enough'. Though I remember times in my life where people tough loved me and I resented them... It took a few years, quite a few scars, and plenty of tears to understand how great of a love tough love is.

So maybe I ask God why, maybe I cry over the pain I face while standing back... I guess I didn't think it would be so hard because I still was loving, but then his anger towards me came and the tough love set in to be the hardest thing I've ever done. So, this pain ... This heartache is just a symptom of love and a side effect of tough love. I can do this for I still will love no matter what, but this chapter of love is new territory.
I don't expect him to be thankful tomorrow, next week, or next year. I don't expect him ever to understand. But I trust my God to know my pain, to know my desires, and for him to see love as God loves one day in a way that shakes him to his core..... And that one day God will bring me the love I long for in a partner and to show me His love is enough and His love NEVER fails.

A prayer you can borrow:
"rising of the sun burn away my sorrow. Chase away the night, pull me' to tomorrow. Fill in every part of my heart that is hollow..."

Tough Love

Love is not weakness.

Forgiveness is strength.

Loving someone does not mean that you have the duty to let them treat you wrong, in love forgiveness is essential but that doesn't mean you just let someone that you love do what they'd like and leave you in the dirt half the time.

What I am trying to say is that I am learning what love is about. It's been a constant thing since I was about 13, but lessons lately have been very poignant lessons that hold more truth than any of the lessons I have learned before.

I know that love is probably the strongest force in the world, I also know that love is what drives my getting up and laying down. My love for what God has given me, the love for Him to get up and see what he has to offer that day.... and throughout the day the way I step are towards the things I love. One way or another, love is the force that drives me.

I believe in love to be the only thing I want to define me. On my stone (if I have a stone) I want it to ready Darby [Barksdale] July 11, 1989--- XXX "She Loved". That's it. And honestly, I feel that you may be able to say that about me now.... I may have not loved what you agreed with, I may have not loved in the way you want me to love, but I loved and I do love, every day.

With that being said, love has lead me to some really rough decisions, experiences, and heartaches. When I love someone it isn't just a love that I turn off.... and up until now, it was a love that would overcome and suppress any negativity involved in anything else. I loved someone, ergo, his hurtful ways and such were just issues I had to love harder, and forgive. But you see, my love was not big enough to change him. My love couldn't just keep forgiving him with the thought he would change, because he never knew any different. I wasn't helping that cause either. By sitting back and just letting him hurt me, and by forgiving him for every shard that went through my heart, he never knew the pain I was in and he never knew that change was the only way to mend all of it. . .

So. I have come to a conclusion today about love: I can love. I love good. I can forgive better than most. But I can not love something that won't take me and my love to heart and cherish it. I have to love in the way parents have to love sometimes: with showing consequences of actions. There are a few ways that parents do this, one is to walk your child through their actions, to talk it out, to hold their hand and work through the why's and why not's of the consequence.... or there is the tough love, the "you did this, you have to figure it out on your own" way. All my life I have chosen to lead people through the consequences of their hurting me in a way that I just wanted to love them through it.... but as most parents find out (I guess), you can't always love people through things. You have to trust the good Lord to lead, and love, and have mercy, and change people's ways.

So there. New chapter in Darby's infinite book of love.... Tough Love.