Wake me from my disenchanting paper dreams
Shake me from my drunken deadly sleep
Take me to my healing sweet Virginia please
They've broken my reflection
And I am in need

Take apart the smiles they've stapled to my face
Make them take the needles out of me
Help me stitch these stinging cuts where I still bleed
They've broken my reflection
And I am in need

Soak me in the sunshine
Rinse me in the rain
The smell of hate surrounds me
And I want to love again
Wrap me in the feathers lost from angel's wings
They've broken my reflection
And I am in need

Seconds leave my life just like the wind leaves me
Minutes fall like dead November leaves
If I have betrayed you Lord with my conceit
I'm begging your forgiveness
Cause I am in need

Soak me in the sunshine
Rinse me in the rain
The smell of hate surrounds me
And I want to love again
Wrap me in the feathers lost from angel's wings
They've broken my reflection
And I am in need
-Wade Bowen
Broken Reflection

I cannot express my heart any better than this song does right now.

"I am in need"

I cry out for rest in my heart, I cry out for peace to come with my restless heart... I know He hears my cries, I know He is there. He has blessed me greatly with so many things, yet.... yet here I am... in need.

"wrap me in the feathers lost from angels wings."

It seems as though I keep searching for this peace, getting it at times in the most amazing ways, then BAM here comes something out from a blindspot and I'm back on my knees. More and more I feel alone in my struggle to find peace... I know that I'm not alone in life, but in these struggles, in these frustrations, in these land mines that are hidden and safe for everyone else to walk over... I feel alone. I feel like the past months of betrayal and hurt have all but wrecked my insides and left me shattered, scrambled, and torn apart. I feel like my stress and illness is not something that I can fix, that I can deal with even... so it worries me more. What am I doing wrong in life to have such restlessness and confusion?
Why can't I atleast do right for one person in my life? Much less myself?

I'm tired of trying to 'vent' these things out.... I am simply IN NEED right now. I feel like David in the cave.... in a dark cold place crying out for his Savior to hear his cries. And our Savior just listens, whispers the promises of the future being good and to find satisfaction in that while we are still cold and in need. Those around me are here to listen to all of my internal strifes....yet after all, what could they do? I love each angel in my life, but none of them can reach in and really know what war is being raged inside of me. Plus, everyone that ever mattered to me somehow I did something to make them run from me, so... wouldn't a friend with internal strife send anyone running? Probably. After all, those people that were there for years before all of this and knew me before the wars began walked away without hesitation or even looking back.

I am in need to be better for those around me, to be able to love them in their needs without thinking of myself for one second... without worrying if I will taint them or hurt them or worse yet, bring them down and to be able to love them fully, wholly and purely...

I so desperately want to know I haven't brought all of this on myself because every betrayal I look back on someone has laid blame on me at some point or another, every pain I have faced has been told to me to be my own doings... and in that how do I find rest?


I have come to the conclusion that internal confusion and restlessness is the worst feeling in the world. It tops heartache because it incorporates it in it's daily wounds. The heartache of lost friendship seldom forgets to knock on my soul each day. The pain of betrayal and trust that was broken has seeped deep into parts of my soul that were once pure, once whole... parts I thought were bound and anchored. Fears of not being adequate in parts of my life that I so desperately love haunt me each moment I walk into the door of a place that was once my joy. Knowledge and proof of letting my parents down torture me daily, words said of their thoughts of my attitude towards them contradict the genuine gratitude and thankfulness I have for them. Each day I wake up with hopes that Strength will come and fight away these demons so that my wounds may heal... some days parts of me get rest from the fights, some days my bandages aren't ripped to shreds by more attacks... and then some days even sleep does not carry rest. Words of encouragement come my way and instead of me taking them for face value, I am reminded of other encouragement, other words that were empty and question the depth of authenticity in peoples words.... then I am outraged at myself for not just being able to let someone lift me up. It's a never ending circle of frustrations towards my conflicting spirit and mind....