"I may be a fool when this is all said and done,
but if I am the fool that has you by my side.... I'll be willing to be a fool til the end"
Over the past few months my life has been no where close to smooth sailing. It has been a few months of the worst moments of my life and some of the absolute sweetest soul refreshing moments I've ever experienced. Life has showed me it's cards, it's dealt me a few really rough rounds, but I am still in the game. I haven't lost all my chips.
Mr. Ely and I have had a few, or really one, major issue. I never thought someone could ever hurt me so much because I never had loved anyone so much. Through our short 6 month relationship before we broke up, it was lots of ups and downs. Doubts from people in my life flared up and put doubts in my head.... and then, those doubts were fleshed out right in front of my face. I am still to this day haunted at times of the picture of Mr. Ely kissing the head of someone that wasn't me.
Over the month that we were not together I had a chance to clear my mind, to get my thoughts together. I wanted nothing to do with Mr. Ely, yet I didn't wish him ill or pain or anything of the sort. I wanted him to just be happy since he, for what I thought, was not enough with me for some reason. I never once voiced my deep aches to see him, to love him, to be with him again.... When we finally faced each other, I didn't want him to see anything but the pain he had brought into my heart... I wanted him to see the agony and pain while also seeing that all I ever wanted was to be able to have him by my side and the he alone had ruined that for us. May sound bitter, may sound quite harsh.... but that's what I wanted and felt like he deserved (other than a swift kick in his juegos.... ).
When he walked in my house.... my heart just rose to my throat. All of the feelings that I wanted to show were scrambled with the feelings of wanting his arms around me and tell me that it was all just one bad nightmare. Mr. Ely had arms that wrapped me up and kept me safe from the world........ safe from everything but him. That day, after watching the strength from him seep right out onto the ground in every tear he cried, after telling him how much he ruined my hopes and dreams with him in my life... after kissing his face and telling him how he ruined the beauty of a kiss....
but if I am the fool that has you by my side.... I'll be willing to be a fool til the end"
Over the past few months my life has been no where close to smooth sailing. It has been a few months of the worst moments of my life and some of the absolute sweetest soul refreshing moments I've ever experienced. Life has showed me it's cards, it's dealt me a few really rough rounds, but I am still in the game. I haven't lost all my chips.
Mr. Ely and I have had a few, or really one, major issue. I never thought someone could ever hurt me so much because I never had loved anyone so much. Through our short 6 month relationship before we broke up, it was lots of ups and downs. Doubts from people in my life flared up and put doubts in my head.... and then, those doubts were fleshed out right in front of my face. I am still to this day haunted at times of the picture of Mr. Ely kissing the head of someone that wasn't me.
Over the month that we were not together I had a chance to clear my mind, to get my thoughts together. I wanted nothing to do with Mr. Ely, yet I didn't wish him ill or pain or anything of the sort. I wanted him to just be happy since he, for what I thought, was not enough with me for some reason. I never once voiced my deep aches to see him, to love him, to be with him again.... When we finally faced each other, I didn't want him to see anything but the pain he had brought into my heart... I wanted him to see the agony and pain while also seeing that all I ever wanted was to be able to have him by my side and the he alone had ruined that for us. May sound bitter, may sound quite harsh.... but that's what I wanted and felt like he deserved (other than a swift kick in his juegos.... ).
When he walked in my house.... my heart just rose to my throat. All of the feelings that I wanted to show were scrambled with the feelings of wanting his arms around me and tell me that it was all just one bad nightmare. Mr. Ely had arms that wrapped me up and kept me safe from the world........ safe from everything but him. That day, after watching the strength from him seep right out onto the ground in every tear he cried, after telling him how much he ruined my hopes and dreams with him in my life... after kissing his face and telling him how he ruined the beauty of a kiss....
He just held me, and I held him.
Then he left, I told him goodbye because my head wanted him to walk out that door and never come back, but my heart screamed silently of the love he and I had.
Once emotions calmed down, or should I say the strength to hold them in rose.... we spoke again. Mr. Ely came to me with ways he wanted to be better, with things he had done wrong, with apologies for not only that one night but for other times that he had hurt me.... he came to me with the love that we had shared and put it right under my nose, not to entice me into a trap, but to show me his heart, raw and uncut. He had, over the month of being apart, decided what he knew he wanted.
I had a choice:
or....
Once emotions calmed down, or should I say the strength to hold them in rose.... we spoke again. Mr. Ely came to me with ways he wanted to be better, with things he had done wrong, with apologies for not only that one night but for other times that he had hurt me.... he came to me with the love that we had shared and put it right under my nose, not to entice me into a trap, but to show me his heart, raw and uncut. He had, over the month of being apart, decided what he knew he wanted.
I had a choice:
Follow my heart and the love I wanted to suppress and would most likely spend the rest of my life suppressing....
or....
... move forward without him and always look back wondering what if.....
The past month has been the a month of two people re-learning each other, two hearts quenching a thirst that they believed once was gone.
It has been very scary for my heart and I believe it will probably be scary for a while, doubt and a hundred different emotions I never thought existed has bubbled up inside me. But the difference is, the Mr. Ely now is one that has patience with those feelings... the Mr. Ely I know today, something has changed in him... His heart is tender, I feel like when he looks at me, I can now see his soul. A soul that he once had told me was cold and empty, but a soul now that has hope.
The people that have been around me through this know that I did not want this to go back to anything like it was, that I thought about this, prayed about it, watered my pillows with enough tears I'm almost positive I just needed to add a little detergent and they'd be squeaky clean....
Forgiveness is not one of my best fortes, but I look at how my God forgives me when I kiss another... how could I not forgive and give another chance? Mr. Ely doesn't deserve me to so much as look his way, but I don't for one moment deserve the breath I have in my lungs either. Forgiveness when you love someone is something that you do not for the other person only, but for yourself as well. (or atleast that's what I am finding out) Forgiving Mr. Ely set some of me free, I finally realized the chains I wrapped around my heart because I had not fully understood forgiveness.
So, for those of you that think I'm a fool.... okay. I understand. Completely. And if I end up at the end of this broken and shattered by Mr. Ely again... then, well, I am a fool. But, buuuut.... If I end up hand in hand with Mr. Ely sharing the love I know he and I both feel for each other and living a life that we both want so desperately to have, I'll gladly say that I am a fool for forgiving, but a fool that cannot doubt the power of love.
Read Redeeming Love.
The power of love....
The power of forgiveness....
The struggles of both....
The last line in that book is a 'prayer' that will define my life and hopefully one day my marriage:
The past month has been the a month of two people re-learning each other, two hearts quenching a thirst that they believed once was gone.
It has been very scary for my heart and I believe it will probably be scary for a while, doubt and a hundred different emotions I never thought existed has bubbled up inside me. But the difference is, the Mr. Ely now is one that has patience with those feelings... the Mr. Ely I know today, something has changed in him... His heart is tender, I feel like when he looks at me, I can now see his soul. A soul that he once had told me was cold and empty, but a soul now that has hope.
The people that have been around me through this know that I did not want this to go back to anything like it was, that I thought about this, prayed about it, watered my pillows with enough tears I'm almost positive I just needed to add a little detergent and they'd be squeaky clean....
Forgiveness is not one of my best fortes, but I look at how my God forgives me when I kiss another... how could I not forgive and give another chance? Mr. Ely doesn't deserve me to so much as look his way, but I don't for one moment deserve the breath I have in my lungs either. Forgiveness when you love someone is something that you do not for the other person only, but for yourself as well. (or atleast that's what I am finding out) Forgiving Mr. Ely set some of me free, I finally realized the chains I wrapped around my heart because I had not fully understood forgiveness.
So, for those of you that think I'm a fool.... okay. I understand. Completely. And if I end up at the end of this broken and shattered by Mr. Ely again... then, well, I am a fool. But, buuuut.... If I end up hand in hand with Mr. Ely sharing the love I know he and I both feel for each other and living a life that we both want so desperately to have, I'll gladly say that I am a fool for forgiving, but a fool that cannot doubt the power of love.
Read Redeeming Love.
The power of love....
The power of forgiveness....
The struggles of both....
The last line in that book is a 'prayer' that will define my life and hopefully one day my marriage:
"Love the Lord your God, and love one another. Love one another as He loves. Love with strength and purpose and passion and no matter what comes against you. Don't weaken. Stand agaisnt the darkness, and love. Thats the way back into Eden. That's the way back to life. "
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