Over a month and still no dress pants....

Wake up at 6:00 am.

Get out of bed. 

Put shorts and shirt on. 

Brush teeth. 

Pull back hair and put hat on. 

Put shoes on. 

Walk out the door. 

And arrive at the best job ever.... baking, cooking, and running a coffee shop. 

Wait.

Yes. You read that right... a coffee shop.

It's been over a month, and still no dress clothes, rarely any make up, and rarely a real bra.... and it's heavenly.  For months I knew what I needed to do in order to be successful at school, but I hesitated just long enough to trust God in the right moment to provide me with the biggest blessing in my life right now: a positive work environment without stress and full of encouragement.

I had always been one to be afraid of change, to take it with a grain of salt (and maybe some tequila)... change gave me the heebee-geebee's. Rarely anything good came out of it without lots of scars to show for it... so when I knew there had to be a change in my life, especially work wise,  I couldn't muster up the guts to do anything about it for the longest time.  Then, a week before school started, this door opened up and within 2 days,  I had accomplished making a positive change in my life without any battle scars to prove it.  Just that alone--- the fact that I took the leap and landed safely would have been enough, and will always be a reminder of how change isn't always bad or painful... but the good Lord and his blessings don't stop there my friends.

Within the first 6 weeks of school I have experienced making an A in a class I had failed miserably before, teaching others and watching them succeed, having peers look to ME for answers, realizing that all my work experiences pay off in school because I know what the teacher is telling my peers to 'look forward to' because I have already experienced it, and lastly, not worried one moment about my job while I'm at school.... It's just amazing.

I guess I could say the best thing, aside from the surprise that change has a positive side, would be seeing the faces of my friends when I told them I quit, then the same people coming to me a few weeks ago and telling me how much happier I am...

It's true.  I am truly more happy than I have ever been in my life. I finally feel like all the wheels are turning the the right direction and working together, instead of a constant struggle just to move SOMEWHERE.  I have a great job that words cannot explain how thankful I am for every day, I have a great school I get the opportunity to be back at and have a second chance with, I have an amazing boyfriend (Clint) who... well if you could see my smile right now you'd know there are no words,  I have an amazing supportive family who I believe finally see the old Darby coming back to life... and most of all, I have a great Hope that gives me peace and lets me look forward to the many more great things to come in life.

Holes: Well or Vacuum

It has occurred to me often lately that I have been not only blessed by my scars, but taught new lessons by them.

A dear friend of mine when speaking of a recent break-up said "it just feels like there is a hole in me where he was...". It broke my heart to hear her say that because I knew that pain all to familiar. It is a pain that I had no quick bandaid for, no quick solution that would ease her pain... Really, I had nothing that would ease her pain. The only thing I had to tell her was what I had learned through my heartaches, and that was not going to help her pain,in fact, it would probably stab the shards of her broken heart a little deeper... But what I had to tell her was the truth, something I wish more people had told me...
I'm just a horrible friend, huh? I was sitting there willing to hurt my friend more simply to try to let her know a lesson I learned from months of heartache... Not out of selfish ambition, but because I was praying she would hear it one day down the road, when the tears were dry, and she could clearly understand what I was saying.

The fact is, and the truth I told my friend, is that the hole a relationship leaves behind is never one that can or will be filled again... It will always be there. What we have to understand and try to avoid when we try to fill that void, we lose the preciousness that the relationship once was, and we also cause ourselves so much more pain because nothing will ever replace it. Things may come along that make that hole so small it is but a mere pore on the skin, irrelevant and minuscule. But never will something replace that hole.

This isn't something that is too comforting when all you see and feel is a gaping hole in your heart that person left you with, but eventually it is a beautiful lesson to understand about ourselves.
So many times we search for things to replace old relationship, we search for means to cover the hole only to have the flood gates roll through in the first storm. In my journey, I have learned that I must live with the holes for they stand for lessons to be learned, beautiful parts of me that came from them.
Every single relationship leaves a mark on us, some are but dents in our canvas, others, when they leave, initiate a grief and pain from the hemmoraging loss of love it makes us feel like the hole is our whole--- but it is not!
For me, my soul is in the hands of a gracious God who loves me and fills me... But in those moments where the absence of the relationship have overwhelmed me, I felt just as scared and alone as my dear friend did recently.
I never thought I would look from the point of view I do today and be thankful for the hole I see in me from lost love. I have grown to be bigger than that hole and have learned about who I am from all those days I spent questioning the vacancy. Eventually my friend will understand what I said, and she too will be able to see that nothing will replace that love she had, but something may come along that will enlarge your heart so much that it will make the hole seem not so scary, and more like a well of memories she can pull from instead of an empty vacuum.

I'm so thankful that I have grown in love, on my own, and with the help of some special people. I, now, today, can look at my whole heart and be thankful for the vacancies for they gave room for growth and showed my heart what strength it had.

No Monsters

When faced with frustrating situations, we all have a few options of how to handle it... especially when it comes to making a choice that will greatly impact most every part of your life.

Lately, I have been experiencing a few frustrations within myself, my workplace, and people around me.  Being a redhead, it's very easy for me to get overly emotional at the time of frustration and have a fit, only to calm down later and realize the situation is not so bad.

Today was a little bit of that.

I have a huge decision to make soon, one that I know will be something I do not regret, one that will expand opportunities for my future, and one that will ultimately shape the outcome of my career.  I have always been one that once I set my mind to do something, I go after it like a freight train and get it done, nothing stops me.  I am one determined individual when I set my mind to things, and this is one thing I have set my mind to... but like many choices in life, deciding one thing comes with about twenty more side decisions that you don't always see at first.

When facing a issue today, I wanted to be the kind of person who just threw it all up in the air and ran towards my goal without thinking about anything but what I wanted to do... althought this seemed nice, the other side of my brain was screaming with fear and questions.

I have so many people telling me how "strong" I am, how "determined" I am, how "fearless" I am... well in that moment, I was a scared little girl who could barely move from her office chair in fear of making the wrong choice.  I couldn't explain why I was so scared, I couldn't explain why I wasn't being that "determined  and fearless" woman people know me as other than I was afraid.

Fear is one of the biggest obstacles I face in life.

No, not fear of spiders or of the dark... but fear of failing, making the wrong choice, and letting others down.

During this decision in my life to set forth and complete my goal, there are times I am in fear of it not working out, money not stretching thin enough, not getting the GPA I want, not getting that dream job when I graduate that everyone says is waiting for me to get that degree...

Fear freezes me when otherwise I would be at a dead sprint ahead.

In the midst of this 'episode' this morning, I called two men in my life that I trust- that know me- and that have experienced a life a little longer than I have... and wouldn't you  know, they both told me the same thing...
1) Quit being afraid, that isn't who you are 
   
2) You deserve better than what you have right now, so you need to make the choice to get better. And you never have failed at anything you have set out to do, so just do it. Don't sit there and pout- DO SOMETHING.


3) The world is not full of people like you, it's unfair, unloving, dishonest, and cruel... you have to stop taking it personal when people are people and act like they are in middle school. 


4) You have one year. Then you have the world, so be you... be determined, be strong, and get it done. 


When the first person told me all these things, I got upset because they weren't understanding my frustration... then the second person told me the same thing and I began to realize that these people around me love me, want to see me succeed, and believe in me... why don't I? 


So here I am, about to take the leap... determined, proud, excited, nervous... but I will not fear anymore. Not only because I have a God that has me in the palm of His hands, but I have those around me that believe in me sometimes more than I believe in myself, so I know I can do this.  


I am thankful for the fear because it has taught me to be strong. It's like when a kid finally gets the nerves to look under their bed when they think there is a monster... the scariest moment in their life, only to find there is no monster... 


So for now, there are no monsters. I looked, I had others look with me and confirmed the truth : there is nothing to be afraid of. 

That Child...

So, we all know that every family has that "strong willed one", the one that marches to their own drum from time to time, the one that the parents pray a little harder for, and the one that always makes them wonder how windy of a day was it when they came into this world...

I am without a doubt "that" child. Yes , there are parts of me that are undeniably straight from the blood line... Then there are parts that make even my parents wonder where it came from and if maybe I was switched at birth.

I know I'm not the perfect child, I know I come with warning signs (if my red head wasn't enough), I know I have made my questions wonder what they did so bad in their life to get punished with such a strong willed child.

And as any black sheep of the family would tell you, the herd only makes them stand out a little more when they do succeed. I know my family is there, even if it means they are there to shake their head at me and offer me a strong word of advise. And there are times in every stubborn child's life that they do their best to make things right, to make their family proud... And even then sometimes they don't succeed in all the ways someone may have prayed for, but maybe their coat isn't a black as before... Maybe it's just a shade of gray.

The thing is, I know I haven't always been a poster child. I know the life I live and choose for myself isn't always one that my mom wants to boast about at moms prayer group every month... But I pray that there are some things that they can see I try to do not only for my personal being, but to make them proud that even though I don't learn the easy way or take the smoother path... I am doing my best to show them that I am not 100% wrong.

As of today, I am more myself than I have ever truly felt. I am honest with those around me, even if it's not something they want to hear. I have learned I cannot live for others praises but for my own path I feel led to walk to take me where promises are sure to come through. I have been through some ugly things, 99% of them being of consequence to my own stubborn choices, but I am thankful for each and every thing I survived. Some people may think that if I was to go back and have a chance to take the "easier" route that there wouldn't be a second thought... But I'm not so sure if that's the case. I am who I am today, the mix of scars and freckles because of each moment I have lived. I have a passion to pursue things that I once didn't because I know what it's like to have a gift taken away. I love with every ounce of me, not to try to get the loves I had lost back, but to never miss a happy moment for I know what its like when they are gone. I make choices and I don't regret them because I know what it's like to be unsure and miss opportunities. I have a faith that is grounded on a personal relationship with the God who created this earth not for the sake of looking pretty in church, but because I know how empty life is without that relationship.

See, the strong willed child in everyone's life is in fact strong willed, but not just for making their families life miserable, but for also being strong willed to overcome all they did and prove that their stubbornness isn't all bad.

Click the "Play Button" to play a song that I feel describes me in this situation: Windy Day by Jamie Richards
Windy Day

Lean on Me

So you ask me why all of my friends call me and lay out all their troubles on me?
You ask why do they always run to me when there is a problem?
You ask why I carry their burden with them when it has nothing to do with me....

Well, I know I don't have to.  I sometimes really don't want to... but I know that they wouldn't call if they didn't need someone to talk to, someone to just listen, or someone to make them smile.  And the cool thing is, that 99% of the time, that person finds a happy place again and 99% of the time I get to see them when they do and rejoice in their victory like no one else because I saw them in the war.

I guess the thing is, I want to be there for people... when they are at their lowest and on the top of their mountains.  Not because I get any trophy from the deal, but because I get to love them and share the joy of their success. Being there and listening to someone is the easy part, it's the part of staying by their side and lifting them up that is hard.  But who  better of a person than I, someone who has been up and down many a times and  can say "look at me now".   I know the pain of heart ache, I feel it when they hurt.  I know the pain of loneliness, I know the pain of failure, I know the feelings associated with fear.... and I know the only thing that will help any of that is knowing you are not alone-- not only can I be there and love on them, but I can give them hope that we have a God that loves us and knows what we need... that even in this time of anger and pain, He is at work preparing something bigger and better than we ever imagined.

Lately, I've gotten quite a bit of phone calls. I have shed a few tears for my friends.  I carry burdens with them to help lighten their load.
Not one of those things do I regret, do I question within myself, nor do I wonder if it was worth it.

My heart is open, my heart is big, and my heart is eager to love when someone is in need.

I'm blessed for the phone calls. I consider myself blessed to carry these loads along side those I love, because I know in the end, they will achieve great things, love wildly, and dance with passion... they just needed a little help to get there.

After all, one of my favorite songs in the world "Lean on Me", isn't just some goofy friendship song... if you take it and put the words into action in your life, you will reap so many blessings by simply putting a friend first every once in a while, being there for someone, and loving your angels that surround you.