"I wish I could see through your eyes so I would know what you like to see. I wish I knew your wishes, so I could give you everything you want. I wish I dreamed the same dreams you do, and together we could make them come true. I wish I knew what makes you happy, so I could make you the happiest person in the whole world. And lastly, I wish I were a cell in your blood, so I would be sure I was somewhere in your heart."

"definition of forgiveness: the perfume of a flower leaves on the shoe that crushes it"
 

Maybe December

Maybe in December by Lost Immigrants

Maybe in December I’ll stop loving you

But for now I believe that what I feel is true

Maybe in the next life the love we shared will grow

I can’t seem to shake you, your mem’ry won’t let go

And tonight I’ll be searching for a way to lose my mind

I’ll leave it sitting here alone, drink it all behind

And I’ll take these dreams and promises and drown them with this wine

‘Cause tonight I’ll be searching for a way to lose my mind

Maybe I’ll forget you when your loving lips

Whisper “I love you” as you give him another kiss

Maybe these longing lines are heart strings pulled too tight

And maybe in December I can end this fight

Maybe it was written in the stars above

Before we ever thought we knew the only way to love

Maybe this spring will thaw your heart down to the end

But I hope and pray December will never come again.

I need you now more than ever Lord to wrap me up and lead me.
I need you now more than ever to whisper your Love to my heart.
I need you now more than ever to not be timid but bold in your guidance.
I need you Jesus now more than ever to be my Love and my All.

I love you with all I have to give Lord, take my life and make it wholly Yours.

Be clean in my wounds...

No matter how much it hurts, no matter how much I don’t like it… I had to.

 

I had to take my selfishness out of the equation and think of others when it came to my heart and theirs.  I chose to be apart from something that brought me joy in lieu of hurting someone else because the joy that I was brought also brought fears and doubts. 

 

Maybe I am being stupid, but I really don’t think I am.  I had to (for once) be smart about how I was handling my heart.  I was and am blessed to have the opportunity to get to know one of the most amazing men I have ever known in my life, to have God teach me things about myself through him, and to experience the things I did…

 

Who knows what will happen, but for now, I just know that I was at a point in my life I couldn’t let my heart blind me and hurt people in my life, or could I be just complacent with being with someone that I couldn’t be completely there for mind, body, and soul. 

 

Matters of the heart are never easy, especially when you know what you are doing is right for everyone involved but it still doesn’t feel comfortable. It’s like you know  you have to clean a wound, and the best way to do it is with alcohol or peroxide… both aren’t comfortable in any sense of the word… but both are worth it to be cleaned in your wounds. . .

Sometime things are just hard

I think there I have said the following phrase repetitively on this thing, but it's true:
Life has a funny way of being life. It's twists and turns are so unexpected the worlds fasted updating GPS could never keep up.

Lately I have been blessed beyond measures while being more stressed and confused than ever in my life. There is NO "easy button" in life, ever. There are days that give me the 'refresh' that gets me through the next few days without just a complete shut down, but there are others that push me so far to the edge i can't see my feet.

"and we will soar on wings like eagles" - His Promise

Well, I know His promises are true, but why does my life feel so extremely up and down so much? Why does my heart get torn as much as it does?

Sometimes I just feel like I want to be like everyone else in life and take the easy road.... to just be completely irresponsible, to be completely selfish and not really care about the other people in my life... but the easy road leads me no where.
So I suffer, I struggle, I cry, I celebrate my minor victories, I nurse my wounds. . . and I get up and move on.

But will it always be this hard? Will I always feel a struggle between the easy and the "worth it"? I don't know if there is an answer to that, but I do know that the day I get to see my Savior's face, He will let me know. I just fear that my stubbornness to keep pushing doesn't go against Him.

So: I am stubborn, I am independent, and 90% of the time I don't know the direction other than the way I am going so if you ask me... I will just say, "if you want to know where I am going you just have to watch where I go, because that's the only way I know where to go."

So, here goes another night of trying to breath enough to nurse my wounds and prepare for another day.