Oh! That's what those are for....

So you mean to tell me that you wear glasses to improve your vision?

Oh.
Okay.
So when things are blurry and out of focus... I'm suppose to use the tools that God has given me that are clearly defined for clarity and direction.... ohhhhh. Okay! I get it now. It's nice seeing clearer...

I had a few days of yukiness... still not great... I'm adjusting. Tuesday I woke up and forced myself to get out of bed and face the day... my mood wasn't great, but I was going. Then, as always, the Lord just reminded me of His faithfulness, goodness, and love for me. I am so very blessed. I have to brag a little... my dad is the best dad a daughter could ask for. Yes, I realize that every daughter is a bit bias, but I'm dead serious. God blessed me so much with a father that has a way with words. Sometimes his words are drawn out and lengthy, but meaningful none the less. I know I can always count on him, and my mother, to be there for me. It's weird, I never imagined wanting to be home or with my parents when I am upset... but this week was the opposite. I just wanted them to wrap me up in love, encourage me the way they do, and help me thought my confusion. So, in my selfishness, I was even more upset because I couldn't get home for a hug.... when I expressed that to my precious father... he simply said "dont' you feel me, I'm wrapping you up in my arms right now." I ofcourse couldn't help but cry and feel better all at the same time. It was great.
Just to know that people care, even when you feel like you have run off everyone that ever has is such a refreshing feeling. I know that this won't be the last time I will face those "demons" in my heart, but I know for sure that the lies I was hearing will not have as much power over me as they did this weekend.


It is so weird to be encouraged by my own words.
I write because it is a release, to see my thoughts organized and clear, to praise our Savior, and just to vent sometimes.... I never forsaw it being something that truely touched my heart in tough times.... But man it sure did.

:)

No matter what happens, I have hope in an eternal life with my Savior Jesus Christ. Life here on earth is nothing compared to eternity. The things I face today, the troubles my heart sees... He is there for me, He died for me... He loves me and has blessed me in so many ways that I do not deserve.... those troubles will NOT break me from His love or will in my life.

How refreshing!!

My focus was out for days....

Honesty. I have never wanted to talk to a therapist in my life. But today, I did. I wanted someone to just sit and listen, to not have to beat around the bush for a while so that I'm comfortable enough to break down and ask the tough questions about myself.... but to just cut to the chase. To sit down with someone and look them straight in the eye and tell them my thoughts.... my fears.... my concerns.... my questions.... and cry or scream a little.... then for them to be honest with me.... then I walk away. Hopefully better. But then I'm done. They don't keep asking me questions, they don't pity me, they don't leave me and there is no personal attachment.... This all might sound very unhealthy, but it's the honest truth in my heart today.
There was an issue that brought up other issues in my life this weekend and man oh man it's been eating away at me. I couldn't shut my mind up enough to sleep at all this weekend, then I was a zombie, a slave to my own torment, drowning in confusion brought on by my own tears and actions. Tough day. I was angry/frustrated/hurt/sad/agitated... just flat out lame. It was raining outside, which made it very easy just to stay in and cry along with the sky.
And so I did.
I sat.
I cried.
I slept, alot.
I prayed... constantly
I questioned.
I wondered.

But in the end. I breathed. In and Out. All day. that's all. Nothing productive, nothing destructive... just breathed. I existed. In the process of trying to figure out what the heck was going on with myself I wasted a day simply existing.

One more thing to be frustrated about.
Great.

You know, one day I'm gonna look back and all of this is going to make sense or I'm just gonna laugh at myself for thinking it was something that it wasn't. Or it is going to teach me something important.... whatever the case, one day I will look back at today and not still be in the same position. Until then... I just want to know some of the answers to my questions... or atleast know how to handle them.

Life is just an interesting journey. Some days are amazing, some are dark and painful. Some are a blur that never seem to come into focus.... Sometimes I just wish that the journey that led to today wouldn't be so darn confusing and that it could put together a map of the future.... but that's wishful thinking. In the end, I just wanna live a life that can praise Him and that even if I am battered and bruised, that I can look up to Him and tell him how I tried my hardest for Him.



((I have so much to write about concerning areas of my life... so much to get out, but as you might can tell, today is just not the day to try and decompartmentalize it all. ))

(( VENT SESSION ))

At the moment I am completely and totally frustrated.
Earlier I was telling a friend about being frustrated about how leadership was not being played out in a way that I felt leadership was suppose to be handled.... and then was completely and totally caught off guard by his comments. Not only did his comments catch me off guard, but less than a month ago, my brother had said some of the exact same things. Things that I feel like are completely opposite of how I intentionally try to be...

"i'm gonna be bluntly honest, because while sometimes it sucks to hear things, it helps in the end.... so yeah... you can smile more. i know you smile when you see me, or go give a huddle member a hug. but ng and waiting for things to happen your face doesn't put off the happy vibe. it has nothing to do with whether you are actually happy, but peoples perception of you. so smile. it never will put you in a bad mood to smile. also,.. and this may be the more harsh part... you need to try not to get offended. hospitality is an organization with a lot of people who reallly enjoy partying and reallllly enjoy doing crazy stuff. (using bad language is something they do too) but what i'm saying is even if somebody is upsetting you, you may just need to put on a happy face and act like things arent' that bad. i know that isn't you. i know that isn't what you do. i know you try to live your life on your outside but, a look here, or a whisper there... it is all about how people perceive you. not about what you DO, but what people think your intentions are.in the end all that matters is between you and God. so i'm not going to ask you to do anything that would contradict that, or put you in conflict. If you can't find a medium, then be who you are."

All of this was said in honesty and with a pure heart. I know it. And I want to believe all the things Dawson said to me where of the same intentions... but neither one of these people know how hard I try, how much I think about my actions, my words, my life.... this wouldn't be so frustrating if i didn't think about it so much, if I didn't desire to refect something bigger than me in my daily action..... but here I am. Failing. Failing. Failing.

Part of me feels like I am being attacked. That the devil is taunting me. Yet the other side of the coin is that if people see me like that, how can they see Christ? How can that glorify God?

(Breath)

I am just frustrated. The core of me is in a knot. I want to cry, yell, punch something, go run, or just be held. Yeah. Be held. ha. joke. That's another frustrating thing. I cannot seem to get memories to leave me alone. they all seem so real, sometimes I can feel them.... sometimes I can literally taste or smell the memories.... It has almost been a year, isn't this suppose to be gone by now? I hate it. HATE HATE it.

What is wrong with me?

Lord, hold me. Better yet, please give me your peace. I am struggling. I am waiting for something I deserve but while I am waiting, I am being tested.... I need your strength. I need to know this is of you. Show me yourself in this Lord. SHOW ME. You are Great, You are all things Good and Just, You are Righteous and Holy... and I am YOURS..... so Lord Jesus... show me yourself in this. I love you and just want to be whole in you and to be able to stand firm on knowing that I am not a failure in your eyes ,but your beloved...

Unstoppable, Unshakeable, Unchangeable.

Why is it that God, the creator of the universe, loves me so intimately? Sometimes I find myself not wanting to call Him God because it seems so distant and my God is NOT distant. He is so close to me, I crave His presence, I crave His direction, I long to hear others say His name. He is not just God to me, He is everything. Sounds cliche and like every worship song has that verse in it, but it is true. I think that the words "He is everything" is simply a way to voice something that is completely incomprehensible and too big for words, so by saying that He is everything it encompasses all that we are trying to say... but He is more than my everything... I just wish I could put into words how I feel about my Jesus, my Savior, my love.
I just want to fall in love with Him over and over again. To seek His power, His guidence, His hand to hold, His light to lead, His grace to cover me, and His truth to set me free is all I want. I would be perfectly fine just having time with me and Jesus all day every day because he ceases to amaze me and know me better than myself when I just sit and listen. He is so amazing.
But you see, this relationship and love I have for Him is not something I want to keep to myself. I am having difficulties with this area. I simply want to love on people and be set apart, be different, shine for Him. But sadly, I am human. I fail . Miserably I fail. I feel as though I have been completely unfaithful to my heart and my God. I absolutely hate that. I need help. I am praying for discipleship that is deep, Godly, and loving. He has provided friends that I had prayed earnestly for, and I know He will provide in this. I just am anxious, and impatient because I am really really needing and wanting help and guidence. I feel as though I was so lucky and blessed in High School by this amazing group of adults that loved me, discipled me, gave me living examples of living Godly lives, and blessed me beyond belief... and now here I am desperately wanting that back and not really finding a resource to tap into for elder guidence and direction. I am not saying that direction and guidence from my peers is bad or less important, but I just really feel the need to have some good role models in my life that have a personal investment in me.

Please pray for me. Pray that I would be a decon of light that is not fading or pointing in the wrong direction. Pray that my godly life will speak louder than any of my words and that I would just be quiet and let that happnen. Pray that I have patience about this single thing going on, and pray that whoever God is preparing for my husband ( if he IS preparing someone for that ) that He is growing closer and closer to our Savior. Pray that God would direct me clearly and I would know what i am doing this summer. Pray for discipleship and someone to invest in my life in a Godly way.
thank you so very much.

Free To Be Me

You know those moments when you wish there was a tape recorder in your head? Whenyou wish you could record every thought going through your head so that you don't miss anything when you are trying to talk it out?
... well.... that's the point I'm at.

Last night I should have written because now I am jumbled and can barely form a sentence that makes sense. There are no subcategories to break my thoughts down into, they all bleed together in some form or fashion. Where's the lines?! I like the lines in the coloring books... i mean you always have the option of following them, but they are there as little dividers for all the different colors....

I can say that I just got back from NYC...
I cannot express how or why I love that city so much, but I do. I got a quick fix for my cravings to be there.... way too short, but great. I got to go with a dear dear friend of mine and will never forget the memories we made just standing in line for tickets or drinking coffee at a random coffee shop...
It's so interesting to see how different things are and how different people are. And then to realize that we are in the same country as what we left behind.... seems like the two places should be on different planets.

I feel like I have been under attack... that the Devil has just been after me and some of my friends. I feel that I have fallen under his lies too.... The song "Free to be Me" by Sarah Baraleias ((( no clue how to spell her last name ! ))) is my theme song for life, except right now I feel as though I am focusing on my dents in my fenders and the tears in my jeans rather than letting the beauty of knowing I am in my Fathers hands sink deep into my every pore.
God has humbled me in many ways over the past few weeks. I have realized that people are people... I am not here to be their referee nor their coach. I am simply here to play the game and pray that I have good teammates on the court with me. I am aiming to live a life that glorifies Him in all I do, but I am simply human and just because someone around me isn't at the point in their life that I am doesn't mean that they are less than me or that I have a "one-up" on them. I knew that in my head but it wasn't sinking into my heart.
I desperately care for everyone around me... it isn't easy, it doesn't come natural, and I don't like it because it just complicates my own feeling half the time. Because due to the ironic fact that I am human I sometimes just wanna be angry at people that hurt me. Sometimes I just want to let people know how much it hurt and I want them to know how hard it is for me to deal with a circumstance that I am in with them... and sometimes I just wanna throw up my hands and say "I JUST DON'T CARE ANYMORE"... but you see even none of those things would make anything better in any circumstance. And I am finding that some circumstances cannot be fixed be me, I just have to wait it out and go with the flow trying not to cause anymore friction against the current.
All of this to say I believe that it is also okay to stand for what you believe and stand up for it. So unfortunatly there is no mathematical problem for life, there is no a+b= c or anything close to that... sadly. I really wish there was, even if the a and b were lost somewhere and had their own equations to them... it would still be a simple solution... but instead life if one of those things that there are lots of different ways to get to the same destination (( not talking eternally here )) and lots of different ways to get lost ... and you are never really guaranteed that you will end up in a certain location.

Okay I really need feedback/venting on a few things... so here goes my attempt at "subcategorizing" my mixmaster of thoughts:
(( keep in mind these are raw feelings/thoughts and by raw I mean tomorrow I might be a bit more rational about them ))

- Honestly... I am really not a fan of this single thing much right now. I really want someone to talk to the way I could talk to this guy I dated for a while. . . . --- I am trying not to say his name because maybe then you'll get the idea that I am over him but still have memories with him... and maybe then my brain/heart can get that memo too --- I was spoiled. I had someone there for a year that would listen, that I could bring dilemmas to, desicions that I needed "help" with, ideas I needed to talk to someone else about, feelings that that person understood without me having to try to describle. . . and now.... I am simply longing to have that converastion. God has brought lots of people in my life that I can talk to and that I connect to but none the way I connected with him. And I pray so much, I write my prayers for a more intimate feeling, but sometimes my hand can't write fast enough and sometimes there are just no words to explain things. And then when I pray, I don't get that hug, that sqeeze of my hand, or that look that says " I understand what you are trying to say and I'm here"... I simply get this feeling inside like I was heard and He knows but then .... silence. I once was a lover of that silence.... but now it gets annoying. I want a hug!!! I want a hand sqeeze!! I want a response in ways I hear!

And I am flippin tired of things reminding me of this person. I am tired of the memories flooding me. They are so sweet, but with a really bitter aftertaste becaues they are simply memories and to be very honest, I am scared that's all they will ever be and that they won't be replaced. I need replacing to happen because those memories are so beautiful. Why did it have to be so beautiful? You know, I mean why couldn't that relationship have just been alright and the memories so-so. Lets be honest, that would make things sooo much easier. haha I love when I get to the point where I just absolutely have to laugh because if I don't I might just find myself curled up bawling over something that will not ever change.

I really do want to know if this feeling will ever change. Will this fade? Or am I always going to know how much I loved and felt loved by this one individual? I just want to know if it is normal or not but I don't know how to properly describe how I feel without making it sound like I am still not over this person... meh.


Onward and forward....

This summer.
That sentance annoys me.
It is incomplete.
Grr.
Its a way that the Lord is showing me that He is in control completely and that I actualy get to act out the faith in Him by trusting completely that He will show me the way.
So that's what I am doing.
Following Him step by Step.
Psalms 16:9
Psalms 37:29


People/Drama:

I just am not a fan. Its exhausting. I really would love to sit down with people and just let things be out in the open and try to be mature about things. I understand that I may not be completely mature all the time about things and that I may add to drama at times, but let's just be honest.... I hate it. I hate all of it. I am a fan of honesty. I do my best to hold my side of that deal up.... but that's the only thing I can control. Period. I can control myself, and deal with myself... but it'd just be easy to have a blanket of dealing with everything or to know everything that is going on... like not what people "say" is going on but what really is. Just be real. Don't be dumb. Be honest. Don't be gossipy. If you are going to follow the Lord, do so, if not, he'll literally "spit you out".... pick a side. I pray that I do these things, and if I do'nt that someone will confront me on those issues. I'm not a fan of the confrontation, but who is. I am a fan of learning and moving forward.
Am I one of five people I know that feel the same way? Or are we the "odd ones out" and the way that others act is the "acceptable way"?
Just wondering.


Life....
It just all boils down to He is in complete Control. Period. The end. He is all that matters. He is the truth, His word is the truth and the judge. I will answer to Him and I will be convicted by the Spirit. My life is not about making money or doing what I want, but about glorifying Him in my decisions and following what He wants for me. His way is not comfortable or accepted as normal, but it IS rewarding.
THAT is the only thing that brings me peace. In the middle of it all, I know that He is constant, real and everlasting. :)