Free To Be Me

You know those moments when you wish there was a tape recorder in your head? Whenyou wish you could record every thought going through your head so that you don't miss anything when you are trying to talk it out?
... well.... that's the point I'm at.

Last night I should have written because now I am jumbled and can barely form a sentence that makes sense. There are no subcategories to break my thoughts down into, they all bleed together in some form or fashion. Where's the lines?! I like the lines in the coloring books... i mean you always have the option of following them, but they are there as little dividers for all the different colors....

I can say that I just got back from NYC...
I cannot express how or why I love that city so much, but I do. I got a quick fix for my cravings to be there.... way too short, but great. I got to go with a dear dear friend of mine and will never forget the memories we made just standing in line for tickets or drinking coffee at a random coffee shop...
It's so interesting to see how different things are and how different people are. And then to realize that we are in the same country as what we left behind.... seems like the two places should be on different planets.

I feel like I have been under attack... that the Devil has just been after me and some of my friends. I feel that I have fallen under his lies too.... The song "Free to be Me" by Sarah Baraleias ((( no clue how to spell her last name ! ))) is my theme song for life, except right now I feel as though I am focusing on my dents in my fenders and the tears in my jeans rather than letting the beauty of knowing I am in my Fathers hands sink deep into my every pore.
God has humbled me in many ways over the past few weeks. I have realized that people are people... I am not here to be their referee nor their coach. I am simply here to play the game and pray that I have good teammates on the court with me. I am aiming to live a life that glorifies Him in all I do, but I am simply human and just because someone around me isn't at the point in their life that I am doesn't mean that they are less than me or that I have a "one-up" on them. I knew that in my head but it wasn't sinking into my heart.
I desperately care for everyone around me... it isn't easy, it doesn't come natural, and I don't like it because it just complicates my own feeling half the time. Because due to the ironic fact that I am human I sometimes just wanna be angry at people that hurt me. Sometimes I just want to let people know how much it hurt and I want them to know how hard it is for me to deal with a circumstance that I am in with them... and sometimes I just wanna throw up my hands and say "I JUST DON'T CARE ANYMORE"... but you see even none of those things would make anything better in any circumstance. And I am finding that some circumstances cannot be fixed be me, I just have to wait it out and go with the flow trying not to cause anymore friction against the current.
All of this to say I believe that it is also okay to stand for what you believe and stand up for it. So unfortunatly there is no mathematical problem for life, there is no a+b= c or anything close to that... sadly. I really wish there was, even if the a and b were lost somewhere and had their own equations to them... it would still be a simple solution... but instead life if one of those things that there are lots of different ways to get to the same destination (( not talking eternally here )) and lots of different ways to get lost ... and you are never really guaranteed that you will end up in a certain location.

Okay I really need feedback/venting on a few things... so here goes my attempt at "subcategorizing" my mixmaster of thoughts:
(( keep in mind these are raw feelings/thoughts and by raw I mean tomorrow I might be a bit more rational about them ))

- Honestly... I am really not a fan of this single thing much right now. I really want someone to talk to the way I could talk to this guy I dated for a while. . . . --- I am trying not to say his name because maybe then you'll get the idea that I am over him but still have memories with him... and maybe then my brain/heart can get that memo too --- I was spoiled. I had someone there for a year that would listen, that I could bring dilemmas to, desicions that I needed "help" with, ideas I needed to talk to someone else about, feelings that that person understood without me having to try to describle. . . and now.... I am simply longing to have that converastion. God has brought lots of people in my life that I can talk to and that I connect to but none the way I connected with him. And I pray so much, I write my prayers for a more intimate feeling, but sometimes my hand can't write fast enough and sometimes there are just no words to explain things. And then when I pray, I don't get that hug, that sqeeze of my hand, or that look that says " I understand what you are trying to say and I'm here"... I simply get this feeling inside like I was heard and He knows but then .... silence. I once was a lover of that silence.... but now it gets annoying. I want a hug!!! I want a hand sqeeze!! I want a response in ways I hear!

And I am flippin tired of things reminding me of this person. I am tired of the memories flooding me. They are so sweet, but with a really bitter aftertaste becaues they are simply memories and to be very honest, I am scared that's all they will ever be and that they won't be replaced. I need replacing to happen because those memories are so beautiful. Why did it have to be so beautiful? You know, I mean why couldn't that relationship have just been alright and the memories so-so. Lets be honest, that would make things sooo much easier. haha I love when I get to the point where I just absolutely have to laugh because if I don't I might just find myself curled up bawling over something that will not ever change.

I really do want to know if this feeling will ever change. Will this fade? Or am I always going to know how much I loved and felt loved by this one individual? I just want to know if it is normal or not but I don't know how to properly describe how I feel without making it sound like I am still not over this person... meh.


Onward and forward....

This summer.
That sentance annoys me.
It is incomplete.
Grr.
Its a way that the Lord is showing me that He is in control completely and that I actualy get to act out the faith in Him by trusting completely that He will show me the way.
So that's what I am doing.
Following Him step by Step.
Psalms 16:9
Psalms 37:29


People/Drama:

I just am not a fan. Its exhausting. I really would love to sit down with people and just let things be out in the open and try to be mature about things. I understand that I may not be completely mature all the time about things and that I may add to drama at times, but let's just be honest.... I hate it. I hate all of it. I am a fan of honesty. I do my best to hold my side of that deal up.... but that's the only thing I can control. Period. I can control myself, and deal with myself... but it'd just be easy to have a blanket of dealing with everything or to know everything that is going on... like not what people "say" is going on but what really is. Just be real. Don't be dumb. Be honest. Don't be gossipy. If you are going to follow the Lord, do so, if not, he'll literally "spit you out".... pick a side. I pray that I do these things, and if I do'nt that someone will confront me on those issues. I'm not a fan of the confrontation, but who is. I am a fan of learning and moving forward.
Am I one of five people I know that feel the same way? Or are we the "odd ones out" and the way that others act is the "acceptable way"?
Just wondering.


Life....
It just all boils down to He is in complete Control. Period. The end. He is all that matters. He is the truth, His word is the truth and the judge. I will answer to Him and I will be convicted by the Spirit. My life is not about making money or doing what I want, but about glorifying Him in my decisions and following what He wants for me. His way is not comfortable or accepted as normal, but it IS rewarding.
THAT is the only thing that brings me peace. In the middle of it all, I know that He is constant, real and everlasting. :)