My focus was out for days....

Honesty. I have never wanted to talk to a therapist in my life. But today, I did. I wanted someone to just sit and listen, to not have to beat around the bush for a while so that I'm comfortable enough to break down and ask the tough questions about myself.... but to just cut to the chase. To sit down with someone and look them straight in the eye and tell them my thoughts.... my fears.... my concerns.... my questions.... and cry or scream a little.... then for them to be honest with me.... then I walk away. Hopefully better. But then I'm done. They don't keep asking me questions, they don't pity me, they don't leave me and there is no personal attachment.... This all might sound very unhealthy, but it's the honest truth in my heart today.
There was an issue that brought up other issues in my life this weekend and man oh man it's been eating away at me. I couldn't shut my mind up enough to sleep at all this weekend, then I was a zombie, a slave to my own torment, drowning in confusion brought on by my own tears and actions. Tough day. I was angry/frustrated/hurt/sad/agitated... just flat out lame. It was raining outside, which made it very easy just to stay in and cry along with the sky.
And so I did.
I sat.
I cried.
I slept, alot.
I prayed... constantly
I questioned.
I wondered.

But in the end. I breathed. In and Out. All day. that's all. Nothing productive, nothing destructive... just breathed. I existed. In the process of trying to figure out what the heck was going on with myself I wasted a day simply existing.

One more thing to be frustrated about.
Great.

You know, one day I'm gonna look back and all of this is going to make sense or I'm just gonna laugh at myself for thinking it was something that it wasn't. Or it is going to teach me something important.... whatever the case, one day I will look back at today and not still be in the same position. Until then... I just want to know some of the answers to my questions... or atleast know how to handle them.

Life is just an interesting journey. Some days are amazing, some are dark and painful. Some are a blur that never seem to come into focus.... Sometimes I just wish that the journey that led to today wouldn't be so darn confusing and that it could put together a map of the future.... but that's wishful thinking. In the end, I just wanna live a life that can praise Him and that even if I am battered and bruised, that I can look up to Him and tell him how I tried my hardest for Him.



((I have so much to write about concerning areas of my life... so much to get out, but as you might can tell, today is just not the day to try and decompartmentalize it all. ))