Friends

My life is at such a beautiful place. I have finally allowed my trials and past troubles be used for the better by giving God control and letting him mold me to who I am today. These days I would have to search for things to bring me down, whereas two months ago I had to desperately search for a hint of something that would truly bring me joy.

I have some of the greatest people in my life I could ever ask for. I have never once felt so blessed with genuine care from the hearts of others, some I know and have known for years, and some that I am just getting to know. And it all seems so strange to me. . . I once thought I had great friendships, and I did for the time being, but nothing like the true friendships I have now in my life. The other day I was thinking about all of this and realized the key difference in my relationships today... after being hurt since grade school by friends that would betray me, I had developed an association between friendship and pain, and as the years progressed I had begun to believe and tell myself that the friends were destine to leave eventually so I had to do everything I could not to lose them. That version of friendship is doomed to fail, and that it did. Over and over again my heart was shattered by people walking all over me or out on me, when that was the one thing I had feared. After the things I went through last year, the last straws of my heart holding my picture of me together, I had a few major life 'light bulb' moments. (the cool thing with 'life light bulb moments' is they happen naturally and by reaction, then months later you see the light bulb that has been lighting your path all along) Realizing that I could never control if people come in and out of my life, their purpose in my life, and their reaction to my care towards them, I discovered freedom in just being me. Freedom in loving people that are here with me just like I loved the ones before, but I have no fear that they will leave one day or I will do something wrong. I have smiles and laughter and thankfulness for the great blessing of each day I get to be friends with these people, each memory I get to hold dear to me for years, and each lesson they teach me through their friendship.

During this life we have the choice to be so afraid things will end or just be glad they are happening. Its a cliche saying, I know, but it is oh so true. I am thankful, so very thankful, for the beautiful friendships I have and being able to fully be a friend to each of them by not wearing the chains I did before.

My greatest joy has always been watching those I love smile from something I had a part in.... and I have never imagined how great my greatest joy could truly feel when it is so constant. Yesterday, I was able to be a part in an engagement between two beautiful friends of mine, these people are the people I have known the longest here in Bryan/College Station, and have been in love for years. I love them so much, and because I do I wanted to try to make it the best day for the both of them, and I think it was a day they will both remember forever. I almost cried when they thanked me, not from pride in myself, but because they were so happy. Half the time I do not want a thank you, because when I do things, it's a natural thing for me and my 'thank you' is seeing them happy... but when they do thank me, it's something I hold on to very close to my heart. I am just simply blessed to be able to have the opportunity to be around people whom love each other so much, and then to be graced with the honor to help make the day more special. It was a beautiful thing, the room was filled with so much love and laughter it was almost overwhelming.

So, as of today, even though this girl is far from perfect, far from being a mom or wife, and far from being all I've dreamt of being... I am working towards all of it hand in hand with the blessings from above called my friends.