Some I can blame on myself.
Some I cannot.
Some things happen for reasons that I won't know for years, some of the scars that my heart will bear are not for me but for others to learn from...
All of this I know but all of this knowledge does not take the pain away.
The only thing that helps as a pain relief is to be encompassed in His loving arms.... and sometimes the occasional sobbing... but that's the woman in me.
It was not until Friday that I fell completely and totally at His feet and gave up. I told Him I absolutely could not do it any longer. I couldn't wrap my heart around the pain and confusion, nor could I hold my head up to face the next blow. I was in desperate need of my Savior, correction, I am constantly in need of my Savior. It was then when a rush of peace came over me. Now, that doesn't mean that I didn't cry after that moment, that doesn't mean that I haven't prayed prayers of anguish asking him why.... it simply means I know right now and from that moment that Darby could not do this. No matter how much my family loves me or the friends left standing by my side held my hand.... nothing but His strength could get me through and bandage my gushing wounds.
These past few weeks have been probably some of the hardest times I have ever faced. My friends have stuck knives in my back, my heart has been shattered, and my body has been weak. But now that I have given up wanting to fix it all, wanting to make sense of it all.... I have a light of Hope shining through this dark night in my life. This valley although it is painful and gloomy, my God is still in control. My faith, althought a bit shaken, stands on His Truth that no matter what He puts me through, He will be there and He will lead me through it. I may not can see the end of the tunnel, or the rise in elevation, but by-gollee it's there. Not only is it there, but His plan for my life is for good and hope. I believe that with all of my heart. The next steps may be a bit weak, but it's only His strength that will pull me through.
He has ways of showing me these things in a very matter of fact way... In the midst of this storm, He called out to me and gave me assurance that He was watching every step....
Friday afternoon on my way to work, I had called my dear father and just told him I was having a really rough day, that things were tough. Being the amazing encourager he is, dad just said, "Darby, it's gonne be a good day. Starting now. You just have to declare it." (( insert Darby crying for the 1230498 time that day ))
So after hanging up the phone and composing myself, I just told the world (in my car) that I was gonna have a good night. It was gonna be good. And I walked myself into work and started on that 'good' night.
Nevertheless, God knew that I was really about to have a great night.
I had a meeting with my managers to be told that they were offering me a Front Desk Manager position.
(WHOOOOOOOOOOOOP)
Withot hesitation I took the position and walked out of the office, only to stop in the middle of the room and just stare. God knew. GOD KNEW! Not only that, His timing was impecable, His love was so evident, and His handprint was all over that moment. I didn't know really how to react other than just to stare til my friend/boss asked me if I wanted a hug... 'uhm yeah I guess that'd be a good thing'...
All of this to say, My God Loves. He is gonna take care of me. My heart will one day once again be whole in His hands. He is nursing my wounds, and those scars that will form will show of His glory and tell of His truth in life.
People are human, friends come and go, love burns and smolders like coals.... but He is constant.
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