I am ashamed to say I find myself forgetting the omnipocent Love and Peace that I have within my soul.... moments go by that I remember and have peace, but then the darkness has a way of creeping over me, feeding me it's lies, and inticing me with it's salty tears. Those moments are empty and clasp a hold of my mind stronger than they should. They tell me of my faults, my failures, the 'what-if's' of my life, the ugliness I birthed in my life.... they tell me that when I listen... When my ears are tuned to hearing of those transgressions, the come in loud and clear like a trumpet resounding from two feet away, deafening my heart and numbing me.
Yet, there is hope for me. There is a way to create a static to that sound...
No matter what I do, that darkness, that coldness that is within me is wiped away when I think of my Savior's love. His gentle whisper sets my heart to life again. He whispers to me through song, through the love of those around me, through the sun shining on my face... His hope carries me, His love is my Rock and my deliverence during this time of trial.
(reminds me of Romans 7 and 8)
I have been through a lot in my life, just like most.... but you know, most people do not have the amazing family that I do. Without them, that darkness would be resounding more often than His peaceful whisper. Don't get me wrong, we haven't always had the best relationship... there have been times I can guarantee you they asked God for his peace through times of trouble with me, times where it was dark for all of us.... but as always, His will previaled. His will of guiding us to the past few weeks where they were pillars in my life to hold me up, to be part of Christ's sheltering cover from the storms that are rolling through.
Although I feel alone in this storm at times, my family is always there for me. They came to me in a time of struggles, in a time of need and held me close. They asked the hard questions out of love and trusted the answers.... My family has always taught me more from doing than from their words, they have given me the best examples of how to be a friend and how to love in times of hardship.
Going back to the fear of being alone thing......
It's only lately where I have ever begged not to be left alone. I hated every second of it. I have never been so vunerable. I sound like I am miserable and sulking.... that's not really the case. I just have my moments where the lies get the best of me, where the drama of life fills my mind and breaks my heart... when my heart breaks, it doesn't just crack with one solid crack and it's done, but it shatters... especially when love is lost or wounded. I love with passion, a trait I embrace and hate at times... this would be one of those times. It's very hard for me to turn my heart off to people, even when they have hurt me. It's very hard to turn off the volume on the mouths of liars when all I want to do is listen hoping that somewhere in them they'll realize I care and hate what is going on.... but sometimes things just don't really work the way I want them to. This God of mine sees the big picture and knows what these storms will produce in my future, I just have to trust Him.
So like Mr. Ely says:
"It's the bumps in the road and the hard times that make you stronger."
(PS: Mr. Ely and I's relationship can speak truth to that saying.... our hard times thus far has made us so much stronger and validated things that we feel to be true. He has held my hand through some of the hardest moments I've faced and been the man beside me when all is crumbling around me. He surprises me with his strength, wisdom, and genuine care for me and our relationship. Others may not recognize it, but it is nice to know I am in a mature relationship that can face things head on and walk away from it hand in hand. )
So here's to a week that I turn off the lies and on the Truth, with each step I will look towards Him and thank Him for the family and love I have in my life. Here's to the week of pressing onward and not looking back anymore....
No, dear brothers and sisters, I am still not all I should be, but I am
focusing all my energies on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking
forward to what lies ahead, I strain to reach the end of the race and receive
the prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us up to heaven
'Philippians 3:13-14
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