No Monsters

When faced with frustrating situations, we all have a few options of how to handle it... especially when it comes to making a choice that will greatly impact most every part of your life.

Lately, I have been experiencing a few frustrations within myself, my workplace, and people around me.  Being a redhead, it's very easy for me to get overly emotional at the time of frustration and have a fit, only to calm down later and realize the situation is not so bad.

Today was a little bit of that.

I have a huge decision to make soon, one that I know will be something I do not regret, one that will expand opportunities for my future, and one that will ultimately shape the outcome of my career.  I have always been one that once I set my mind to do something, I go after it like a freight train and get it done, nothing stops me.  I am one determined individual when I set my mind to things, and this is one thing I have set my mind to... but like many choices in life, deciding one thing comes with about twenty more side decisions that you don't always see at first.

When facing a issue today, I wanted to be the kind of person who just threw it all up in the air and ran towards my goal without thinking about anything but what I wanted to do... althought this seemed nice, the other side of my brain was screaming with fear and questions.

I have so many people telling me how "strong" I am, how "determined" I am, how "fearless" I am... well in that moment, I was a scared little girl who could barely move from her office chair in fear of making the wrong choice.  I couldn't explain why I was so scared, I couldn't explain why I wasn't being that "determined  and fearless" woman people know me as other than I was afraid.

Fear is one of the biggest obstacles I face in life.

No, not fear of spiders or of the dark... but fear of failing, making the wrong choice, and letting others down.

During this decision in my life to set forth and complete my goal, there are times I am in fear of it not working out, money not stretching thin enough, not getting the GPA I want, not getting that dream job when I graduate that everyone says is waiting for me to get that degree...

Fear freezes me when otherwise I would be at a dead sprint ahead.

In the midst of this 'episode' this morning, I called two men in my life that I trust- that know me- and that have experienced a life a little longer than I have... and wouldn't you  know, they both told me the same thing...
1) Quit being afraid, that isn't who you are 
   
2) You deserve better than what you have right now, so you need to make the choice to get better. And you never have failed at anything you have set out to do, so just do it. Don't sit there and pout- DO SOMETHING.


3) The world is not full of people like you, it's unfair, unloving, dishonest, and cruel... you have to stop taking it personal when people are people and act like they are in middle school. 


4) You have one year. Then you have the world, so be you... be determined, be strong, and get it done. 


When the first person told me all these things, I got upset because they weren't understanding my frustration... then the second person told me the same thing and I began to realize that these people around me love me, want to see me succeed, and believe in me... why don't I? 


So here I am, about to take the leap... determined, proud, excited, nervous... but I will not fear anymore. Not only because I have a God that has me in the palm of His hands, but I have those around me that believe in me sometimes more than I believe in myself, so I know I can do this.  


I am thankful for the fear because it has taught me to be strong. It's like when a kid finally gets the nerves to look under their bed when they think there is a monster... the scariest moment in their life, only to find there is no monster... 


So for now, there are no monsters. I looked, I had others look with me and confirmed the truth : there is nothing to be afraid of. 

That Child...

So, we all know that every family has that "strong willed one", the one that marches to their own drum from time to time, the one that the parents pray a little harder for, and the one that always makes them wonder how windy of a day was it when they came into this world...

I am without a doubt "that" child. Yes , there are parts of me that are undeniably straight from the blood line... Then there are parts that make even my parents wonder where it came from and if maybe I was switched at birth.

I know I'm not the perfect child, I know I come with warning signs (if my red head wasn't enough), I know I have made my questions wonder what they did so bad in their life to get punished with such a strong willed child.

And as any black sheep of the family would tell you, the herd only makes them stand out a little more when they do succeed. I know my family is there, even if it means they are there to shake their head at me and offer me a strong word of advise. And there are times in every stubborn child's life that they do their best to make things right, to make their family proud... And even then sometimes they don't succeed in all the ways someone may have prayed for, but maybe their coat isn't a black as before... Maybe it's just a shade of gray.

The thing is, I know I haven't always been a poster child. I know the life I live and choose for myself isn't always one that my mom wants to boast about at moms prayer group every month... But I pray that there are some things that they can see I try to do not only for my personal being, but to make them proud that even though I don't learn the easy way or take the smoother path... I am doing my best to show them that I am not 100% wrong.

As of today, I am more myself than I have ever truly felt. I am honest with those around me, even if it's not something they want to hear. I have learned I cannot live for others praises but for my own path I feel led to walk to take me where promises are sure to come through. I have been through some ugly things, 99% of them being of consequence to my own stubborn choices, but I am thankful for each and every thing I survived. Some people may think that if I was to go back and have a chance to take the "easier" route that there wouldn't be a second thought... But I'm not so sure if that's the case. I am who I am today, the mix of scars and freckles because of each moment I have lived. I have a passion to pursue things that I once didn't because I know what it's like to have a gift taken away. I love with every ounce of me, not to try to get the loves I had lost back, but to never miss a happy moment for I know what its like when they are gone. I make choices and I don't regret them because I know what it's like to be unsure and miss opportunities. I have a faith that is grounded on a personal relationship with the God who created this earth not for the sake of looking pretty in church, but because I know how empty life is without that relationship.

See, the strong willed child in everyone's life is in fact strong willed, but not just for making their families life miserable, but for also being strong willed to overcome all they did and prove that their stubbornness isn't all bad.

Click the "Play Button" to play a song that I feel describes me in this situation: Windy Day by Jamie Richards
Windy Day

Lean on Me

So you ask me why all of my friends call me and lay out all their troubles on me?
You ask why do they always run to me when there is a problem?
You ask why I carry their burden with them when it has nothing to do with me....

Well, I know I don't have to.  I sometimes really don't want to... but I know that they wouldn't call if they didn't need someone to talk to, someone to just listen, or someone to make them smile.  And the cool thing is, that 99% of the time, that person finds a happy place again and 99% of the time I get to see them when they do and rejoice in their victory like no one else because I saw them in the war.

I guess the thing is, I want to be there for people... when they are at their lowest and on the top of their mountains.  Not because I get any trophy from the deal, but because I get to love them and share the joy of their success. Being there and listening to someone is the easy part, it's the part of staying by their side and lifting them up that is hard.  But who  better of a person than I, someone who has been up and down many a times and  can say "look at me now".   I know the pain of heart ache, I feel it when they hurt.  I know the pain of loneliness, I know the pain of failure, I know the feelings associated with fear.... and I know the only thing that will help any of that is knowing you are not alone-- not only can I be there and love on them, but I can give them hope that we have a God that loves us and knows what we need... that even in this time of anger and pain, He is at work preparing something bigger and better than we ever imagined.

Lately, I've gotten quite a bit of phone calls. I have shed a few tears for my friends.  I carry burdens with them to help lighten their load.
Not one of those things do I regret, do I question within myself, nor do I wonder if it was worth it.

My heart is open, my heart is big, and my heart is eager to love when someone is in need.

I'm blessed for the phone calls. I consider myself blessed to carry these loads along side those I love, because I know in the end, they will achieve great things, love wildly, and dance with passion... they just needed a little help to get there.

After all, one of my favorite songs in the world "Lean on Me", isn't just some goofy friendship song... if you take it and put the words into action in your life, you will reap so many blessings by simply putting a friend first every once in a while, being there for someone, and loving your angels that surround you.

Moments

Think about a time in your life, a moment really, that completely altered your life....

... The moment you realize the truth and reality of Jesus
... The first time you talk to your grandparents and truly hear them
... The first time you hear your parents say they are proud of you and it sinks in
... Your first love
... The first concert you see
... Meeting your favorite artist and feeling like a kid
... The first time your heart breaks because of a friend
... The moment when you are surrounded by friends and almost cry because the rush of love surrounds you like a flood and you realize every moment that led to this one was worth it
... The moment you tell someone you love them after weeks of holding it in
... Having someone tell you what you should do and actually listening

Our lives are made up of those kinda moments. We dont always realize that they alter the path you walk on, but when you do those moments stay in a special place in your heart.

Lately I've had an abundance of these moments and just want to soak it all in. I want to make sure I never forget the way I felt in each of those moments so that I do not stray from directions those moments have pushed me.
I am so blessed in my life right now.
I never knew things could have such a mix of good and bad while still being so overwhelmingly beautiful.

I guess I just want to remind all of us that we have moments we should never forget, good and bad, and we should never forget the way we felt in that moment so that we not only can be thankful for it each day, but so we continue to grow from it.

Close call

Ever have a moment where it feels exactly like one of the worst moments in your life, so you prepare for all of hell to break loose, the fit to hit the shan, and the good feeling pretty much goes down the drain and away forever?

Yeah. 

Those moments suck. 

But there are always two ways to turn, surprisingly, it doesn't always have to end up in disaster. 

The lesson here in life is the fact that sometimes you will run into times that feel like the 'way it use to be', but just because that feeling happens does not mean that the end outcome is going to be like the past.  People are different and no matter how much we as humans class everyone to be the same deep down, some people surprise you. 

I've been surprised a lot by people, a certain person in particular. Then something happened and I put that person right back in the pit of 'all the rest of them'... and then something better happened... they proved that despite being a human and genetically in the "pit of all the rest of them"... and he had redeeming qualities that allowed me to be able to trust that goodness that I had been encompassed in by his presence in my life. 

Not only did a relationship grow deeper, but my belief in the goodness in people was, for once, not shoved into the ground and spat on. 

The past does have a tendency to repeat itself if you never change the pattern you walk in.. then the past still can creep up on you, but you have the courage to make a change somewhere along the way in you... sometimes the past can rise up to teach you a lesson about yourself and help the future blossom.