I don't know what to put here

..... I know writing is my release, but I have no idea what to put here. My mind is racing constantly with words and ideas but no complete thoughts.... Thoughts scare me. Why? Because thoughts are what means I'm thinking and thinking right now is dangerous.

"Darby just let go"
"Let it go"
"Lay it down Darby"

That's all I'm hearing from every corner of my life....
Letting go has always been a battle for me. This one thing has been so damaging and destructive that the sheer thought of it sends my heart racing and my mind running.
I desperately want to let it go, lay it down.... it's the process from WANTING to, to actually DOING it. This means I have no control, that I can't predict the outcome, I can't see what's coming. I can't prepare myself.... I'm scared. I have faith that He will control it, that He will take care of it and me... that I don't have to be scared because it's safe with Him. My head knows that. My head knows everything about that. It knows that I should be letting Him take control of everything, but the catch is my heart doesn't know that. My heart cannot completely wrap its head around it because everytime I've let go... maybe not to Him, but to others.... it has been thrown back to me with more force than I held onto it with. I completely understand that humans let me down and deserve nothing from me but me... we are all human, we make mistakes, no one is perfect....
I get it.
So then why is this so hard? Why is it so hard to let Him have it? The one Person who CAN handle me, handle all of my hangups and insecurities.... Him.
Tonight when I was sitting and talking to a friend I just let loose. . . wondering if He could just give me a glimpse to make this easier. I want to give it up, I want to let Him have it.... but I'm scared. " Lord you ask me to give it up, you ask me to trust you... my trust has been broken too much... I've trusted you before and you've proved trustworthy but then the lies of this world broke in and broke me away from You... I just want to know what is going to happen in the end, maybe not all of it, but just to know what I am suppose to do right now in this moment so I can know I'm doing the thing that won't hurt so bad in the end." Maybe its not a fear of letting go, its a fear of being hurt again. I hate hurt, i hate pain.... I can deal with my consequences to my own actions that I'm not afraid of, it's the consequences of other actions that I am weakened to.
I've been running from Him because I'm scared. Running because I'm scared.
I have a friend that keeps asking me why I'm so scared, why I'm so afraid, why I'm so guarded.... I have no answer for him other than 'why not?' or 'my past has pushed me to this, to this person I never wanted to be'. I don't want to be scared, I want to run free.... but these thoughts and these insecurities keep me back, keep me pinned up.
Yet at the same time, I've felt free. I've felt freedom in those questions being asked. I have never asked myself those questions, no one has ever asked me questions like i've been asked lately. I have loved it while hating it at the same time.
Can you tell I'm a bit confused!?
I am searching. I'm being broken (which is what I've been begging for).
Pray for me.
Pray for direction, for hope, for the run back to the right way doesn't keep fading into the distance. To be free again, to run through the valleys and the hills with my head held high letting the wind blow through my hair, pass through my fingers, and whistle in my ears. Pray for the let go.

Dont be concerned, just be in prayer. I'm already being confronted enough, all I need is Him right now. Thankfully He has put an amazing accountability partner in my life as well as a group of friends who love me more than I deserve. Be thankful and praise Him for our God is a jealous God, He IS the One who can handle all of me, that can swoop in and break through my walls and barriers and set me free again.